It gets better

[UrbanFool]

It gets better. I got dropped from group tonight. It was STRONGLY suggested that perhaps I need a different kind of program although he REALLY thinks I should go to another inpatient program and frankly, I’d rather stab scissors in my throat.

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I was referred to the county drug & alcohol control... perhaps they can do more for me. (I’ll have 45 days sober tomorrow.) Counselor may not be thrilled, but my sponsor is.

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The last month I’ve been so sick that if I made three entire days at work it was a miracle. The pattern was pretty much that I was so drained by Wed afternoon that I went home and that was it for the week, sometimes I made it back by Friday after sleeping for two days. Bronchitis thing.

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Maybe it’s just me, but if I can’t get out of bed and go to work, I’m not going to be getting up to go to a meeting or group. I missed two group days, both on Thursdays, but made up my homework... the Triggers/Tools being one of them. I gave them to my counselor tonight, telling him I hoped maybe they’d help someone anyway. Also gave him a copy of the page Millie posted, and the fourth step worksheets I’d found earlier. He tried to give them back to me and I told him (again) that I just hoped they’d help someone else. I had my own copies. I’d figure a person would want every tool. He can round-file them if he’s of a mind to do so.

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I’ve had a bladder infection for nearly three weeks and can’t bring myself to make a doctor’s appointment because of all the time I’ve taken off. I’m pretty secure in my job now, but am still being watched VERY closely and have to be careful. My boss is very, very satisfied with my progress and performance, but I’m sure many of you know what it’s like to work in an office full of catty women. I’m now the primary source of gossip and it does NOT feel good. (can we say “trigger”?) I have more weird stuff on that but will save it.

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Anyway, I think I talked my mom into going to her first AA meeting tomorrow night. I got a “Call me tomorrow and we’ll talk about it.” I have a message in to my sponsor to make sure tomorrow night would be a good meeting for mom’s first. It’s an “Eleventh Step” meeting. So I’m not sure it’s a great first meeting and want to be sure. If anything, it’s small... like eight people, so at least she wouldn’t be freaked out by seventy women in one room like I was at my first Monday night meeting.

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I guess at least now that I’m dropped from group, I can go to my Tues and Thurs meetings which WERE my favorites until Saturday morning. The more I think about it, the more I like the lawyer thing if I can find someone to help. If I can get the ankle bracelet and don’t have to do work duty (which I could only do on Saturdays), I can still do that meeting.

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My brain is so full right now.

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Tomorrow’s “Meditation for Women who do too Much”: Today my life is enough just the way it is, and it is mine.

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<o:p>Kelly</o:p>

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<o:p>disclaimer: I haven't spell checked this thing. I'm still shell shocked and freaked out beyond belief.</o:p>

[Phinneas]

((((Kelly))) At 45 days of sobriety (congrats!), you've got emotions bubbling up all over the place. Add to that the stress of work, legal consequences and uncertainties, not feeling well, meetings, step work and the nity gritty of real life and... well, my dear, let's just say that you've got more than enough on your plate right now. Saying this too shall pass (and it will) doesn't help that feeling of being overwhelmed right now.

Hang on, Kelly. You are doing great. It may not feel like it, but honest - you are. Take a deep breath and just keep walking one tiny step at a time in the right direction. Do the next indicated thing - even when it's take a hot bath or eat some soup or go to bed a little early. You will get through this period of craziness, one hour and one day at a time.

You are strong and beautiful in your sobriety. Sending you extra support and hugs right now. Keep venting, posting and reaching out for support.

Hugs,

phinny

[UrbanFool]

Phinny, thanks.

I have to say. I stared at him and wondered why in the world someone would go through a gazillion 30 day programs. I did one, have my binder and I'm good. I can't imagine doing another.

I'm so freaked by being dropped. I always bring extra info for anyone who might need anything. I feel like the only person who is there for myself rather than SENT there by court.

Scissors are looking better all the time, honestly. I'm really fealing like I can't win.

Kel

[UrbanFool]

Feeling. That was great spelling. Just got out of a hot bath and am pondering WHY you have to lather your hair twice. Today's ponder.

Today's meditation: Owning ourselves is probably the richest gold mine any of us will ever possess.

K.

[Rowan]

Hi Kelly
I know it's dark where you are right now. I identified so strongly with your post, and with your overwhelming feelings. I don't have anything earth-shattering to say, only that YOU ARE WORTH IT and that recovery CAN and WILL get better. There is NOTHING that a drink or drug will make better. Same goes for the scissors. Permanent solution for a temporary problem. Treasure your 45 days of sobriety, guard them with your life; they are precious, as are you. I will say a prayer for you tonight.
Rowan xo

[ASH]

45 days sober, that is a great accomplishment and a great gift to yourself. Also sounds like you chose a good sponsor. I mention these two things because I myself get into trouble by not focusing on anything positive and you do have some good things going on here.
I hope you feel better physically soon!
PS A third thing, you obviously a hard worker, I am too lazy to lather my hair twice, once and maybe the rinse and good to go

[hopealwayz]

(((Kelly))) Sending extra big hugs your way tonight. You are strong and are doing great in your recovery. Even during the dark times, remember that the light shall shine again. Keep the faith and keep on doing what you are doing. It will get better and everything will fall into place as long as you stay sober.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Love,
Cheryl

[KelKel]

Big Hugs to you and congratulations on 45 days.
I will keep my fingers crossed that your Mom decides to go to her first meeting.
Try not to think too much about the group...