Hi, new here and needing help - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

brattygal27 · 03-13-2002, 08:40 PM

Hi. I'm an alcoholic. I'm crazy inside and I haven't had a drink in a while. I've been dry since new years. I just started going to meetings again, and my sponsor is in bad shape. I called her and she had gone out on the weekend. This woman had 10+ years. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say much. I just hung up and sat there kind of shocked. I then picked up my big book and started reading it. I have been reading and praying a lot for the past week.
I have found out during this week that I am pretty much a lousy person. I've let alcohol run my life for me. I just filed bankruptcy, I am getting divorced, I let my husband have the children, and now I'm pregnant. What is wrong with me? I've found out that I am not who I want to be, that's for sure. I have a very good job, and I am giving my husband child support. I love my children very much, and miss them dearly. He lets me see them as often as I like. I'm sure this will all change when he finds out about this baby. This baby isn't his. My story is very long,and it all centers around addiction. When I met my husband it was alcohol. Shortly after that it became gambling, then from there it went to drinking again. It has been up and down like that all of our relationship. I did have a period of sobriety for a while, and then came the internet. I started to have online affairs. I even went so far as to meet one of these men. My husband found out and that is when it went down hill. When I got caught, I decided we needed to separate. I just up and told him one day that we needed space, when in fact it was I who needed space. He tried so hard to help me through all those years, and I couldn't give him a thought. I justified my leaving the children with him, and moved out. I forced his hand, and he filed for custody and a divorce. I had met another man online during this time, and now am pregnant. This other man lives in another country. I'm alone and pregnant, and totally messed up.
I took a look at my life, and decided that I can't live this way anymore. I cannot continue on this way. It is time to face life and deal with it. Just because I have a job, just because I have a car, just because I have a roof over my head...this can all be taken away from me as well. I always used to think I could just make it, I could just do what I had to do. It just doesn't work that way anymore. I didn't see my life as this before I fed into my addictions. This is not what I had planned for my life. This is not a life at all. This is existing and taking up space. I hate what I have done to my family, to those I care about. I need to grow up and get on with life, before my addictions take what little of a life I have left.
I know that I have a long journey ahead of me. I'm not new to this program. I've been involved on and off for nearly half of my life. I've been living this way for a long time. I want to change. I can't make up for what has already happened, but maybe I can stop what is happening right now from continuing. I need help, and I need help desperately.
I'm sorry for this being so long, I just really needed to get it out. I feel very alone, and know that I put myself here. I know that there is a better life out there. There has to be. I've had a taste of what AA can do for me, now with some work and accountability on my part, I might actually learn to live.
Thx for being here.
e

smoke gets in my eyes · 03-14-2002, 05:46 AM

Hi Brattygal...
You are not a rotten person. You are a normal person who has done some rotten things. The simple fact that your conscience is bothering you shows that you have one.
I am an anon, not an addict, so I will leave the how-tos to someone else. I just wanted you to know that we hear you. It must be startling and disappointing to find your sponser in a lapse. Don't let it effect your hope. What you did that you don't like can be something you USED to do.

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke

annewayman · 03-14-2002, 06:08 AM

first... huge hugs to you! And congratulations on not only not drinking since new years but starting to see yourself honestly... I know that doesn't feel like progress but it is, truly.

It also sounds like your taking some steps that have to be done... filing bankruptcy isn't easy either... so give yourself a star for dealing with that.

And take a deep breath or two...

I'm so sorry your sponsor got drunk... what a shock... so part of what's next is finding a new one... someone who has actually worked the steps and who the program is working for...

Plus meetings, meetings, meetings.

One of the hardest things in the world for me has been to get off my own back and to build my self-worth... it really started when a gal asked my very early on if I was willing to become worthy... I was and it sounds like you are too.

Re your kids... patience with yourself and the process... hard to do I know, but you're on the right track.

With meetings and focused work on the Steps your on your way.

Post here often, we've got some great wimmen!

Anne

------------------
<A HREF="http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com
http://soberrecovery.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com
http://soberrecovery.com</A>

brattygal27 · 03-14-2002, 05:06 PM

Hi there

Thank you for your replies. I'm grateful for any bit of help that I can get. I have done some more stuff today. I have spoken with another woman, who I'd thought of asking to help me before. I work with her, so I will have someone for me at least to start my day off. She is a living breathing angel. She has actually been there for me already, though she doesn't know it yet. I've drawn off of her reminders of the Serenity prayer on more than one occasion. She also has this knack of knowing when there is something wrong. I think she knew I was an alcoholic as well, before I even told her. *sigh* My HP is evidently working in those around me.
I'm feeling all right today. I've been too busy today to do much thinking. It was all very good stuff too, so I'm not beating myself up about not actually doing something today. Another problem with me. Ick. I seem to have a lot of those quirks coming to light.
Well, I think I'll have a nice hot cup of tea, and read my BB for a while. I did my meeting today during my lunch hour. I watch the girls do their gymnastics on Thurs. evenings, so I knew I had to go at that time. I'm pretty proud of myself today. Another feeling I haven't had in a long while.
So all in all, it was a very good day. I didn't step on anyones toes, and I looked after some of my needs as well. I'm grateful to be alive and well today. Not very long ago I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide.
Thank you ladies for being here!

annewayman · 03-16-2002, 06:33 AM

Sounds like a good day... good for you!

------------------
<A HREF="http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com
http://soberrecovery.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com
http://soberrecovery.com</A>

Sick In The City · 03-17-2002, 10:40 AM

Brattygal,
Welcome to the recovery forum and I applaud your courage in posting part of your story here.
I was also a woman who could not handle the closeness that marriage implied and my husband had tried to help me through so many things but I was blind to it at the time.
After a while, I let the emptiness I felt inside of me take over and I went from abusing alcohol to abusing other drugs. I left my husband and my children for a man with whom I could use comfortably whenever I wished. Realizing how horrid my actions were at that time makes me realize how large my addiction was and how far I have come in my recovery.
One of my children lives with me; the other two are moving back to this area with their father in August.
I see that you have alot of stuff to deal with in front of you. AA will help you to do that. There is alot of wreckage in your past. AA will help you find the tools within yourself to clean that up. You have hit your bottom. AA will help you stop digging.
I was a woman who ran full speed ahead away from my life and my life choices. The twelve steps and the dear, dear friends I have made in the fellowship have taught me to run full speed ahead into my life! This can happen for you too.
I have left alot of wreckage behind me but I am cleaning it up now. I have a wonderful support group now. When I stopped lying to myself and everyone around me, a whole world of opportunity opened up before me. I had to walk through some really painful and fear-filled stuff to get to this point but I am here. And six months ago, I never would have imagined coming this far.
Again, I welcome you to the boards. My prayers are with you that you will find a sponsor. My prayers are also with you that you will soon come to realize how wonderfully worthy you are! Get to a meeting. Try 90 in 90 and see where that takes you. You've got nothing to lose.

brattygal27 · 03-17-2002, 06:47 PM

Hi again.

I am smiling today because I had a wonderful day once more. I was very productive. LOL. I shouldn't laugh because I really worked by butt off. I have been living well, not very well. I had my ex-husband and my two girls over tonight. I actually made dinner! We had a good time. I love watching my dolls playing and they are growing up well, despite me. Thank goodness I married such a wonderful man. He didn't deserve what I did in the relationship. He tried so hard, but hindsight is 20/20. I am very sorry for what I've done to him. I know he won't be going to alanon now, even though he did try it a few times close to the end. I just hope that he does meet someone worthy of who he is, because he doesn't deserve to go through this again. He is really a truly wonderful man, and I'm happy that he has the children right now. I'm at a point in my life where I have decided to accept my responsibility for what I have done. I don't have to like it, but I have to learn from it. Imagine that? All the years I have been around the program and I've been pointing the finger all of the time. I've never accepted that it was me who was doing this. I understand that I was living in my disease. It had its hold on me totally. I let it. It was easier to do that than to look at me. Today I'm looking at me, I don't really like what I see...but it's ok. I have a choice now, I can repeat it all over again, and take all the pain back. Or I can feel it, and get help with dealing with it. I get my help from talking with others in recovery. I get my help from asking for it, and talking about my life today. I might have a good day, but I share that as well. I cannot forget what I am today, and I cannot forget where I was not too long ago.
I am praying hard right now, because there are huge things going on in my life right now. Stuff I'd rather not deal with, but I have no choice but to deal with it. I ask for guidance on a daily basis. I slow things down and I pray. It is working, and the help is slowly coming to me now. All I ever had to do was ask for the help, and I would have gotten it. Funny how it took such drastic measures for me to finally figure this out.
With that said, I'm happy to be alive and well today. I'm happy to know that I have help available to me, if I just ask for it.
Thank you ladies for being here!
e

annewayman · 03-20-2002, 05:52 AM

love hearing about good days... you may want to start some sort of a journal so you can see how much progress your making--you know, so you give yourself proper credit

------------------
<A HREF="http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com
http://soberrecovery.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com
http://soberrecovery.com</A>

03-13-2002, 08:40 PM	#1 (permalink)
brattygal27 Paused Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: regina, sask. canada Posts: 10	Hi, new here and needing help Hi. I'm an alcoholic. I'm crazy inside and I haven't had a drink in a while. I've been dry since new years. I just started going to meetings again, and my sponsor is in bad shape. I called her and she had gone out on the weekend. This woman had 10+ years. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say much. I just hung up and sat there kind of shocked. I then picked up my big book and started reading it. I have been reading and praying a lot for the past week. I have found out during this week that I am pretty much a lousy person. I've let alcohol run my life for me. I just filed bankruptcy, I am getting divorced, I let my husband have the children, and now I'm pregnant. What is wrong with me? I've found out that I am not who I want to be, that's for sure. I have a very good job, and I am giving my husband child support. I love my children very much, and miss them dearly. He lets me see them as often as I like. I'm sure this will all change when he finds out about this baby. This baby isn't his. My story is very long,and it all centers around addiction. When I met my husband it was alcohol. Shortly after that it became gambling, then from there it went to drinking again. It has been up and down like that all of our relationship. I did have a period of sobriety for a while, and then came the internet. I started to have online affairs. I even went so far as to meet one of these men. My husband found out and that is when it went down hill. When I got caught, I decided we needed to separate. I just up and told him one day that we needed space, when in fact it was I who needed space. He tried so hard to help me through all those years, and I couldn't give him a thought. I justified my leaving the children with him, and moved out. I forced his hand, and he filed for custody and a divorce. I had met another man online during this time, and now am pregnant. This other man lives in another country. I'm alone and pregnant, and totally messed up. I took a look at my life, and decided that I can't live this way anymore. I cannot continue on this way. It is time to face life and deal with it. Just because I have a job, just because I have a car, just because I have a roof over my head...this can all be taken away from me as well. I always used to think I could just make it, I could just do what I had to do. It just doesn't work that way anymore. I didn't see my life as this before I fed into my addictions. This is not what I had planned for my life. This is not a life at all. This is existing and taking up space. I hate what I have done to my family, to those I care about. I need to grow up and get on with life, before my addictions take what little of a life I have left. I know that I have a long journey ahead of me. I'm not new to this program. I've been involved on and off for nearly half of my life. I've been living this way for a long time. I want to change. I can't make up for what has already happened, but maybe I can stop what is happening right now from continuing. I need help, and I need help desperately. I'm sorry for this being so long, I just really needed to get it out. I feel very alone, and know that I put myself here. I know that there is a better life out there. There has to be. I've had a taste of what AA can do for me, now with some work and accountability on my part, I might actually learn to live. Thx for being here. e

03-14-2002, 05:46 AM	#2 (permalink)
smoke gets in my eyes 1000 Post Club Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: That's what I'd like to know. Posts: 2,432	Hi Brattygal... You are not a rotten person. You are a normal person who has done some rotten things. The simple fact that your conscience is bothering you shows that you have one. I am an anon, not an addict, so I will leave the how-tos to someone else. I just wanted you to know that we hear you. It must be startling and disappointing to find your sponser in a lapse. Don't let it effect your hope. What you did that you don't like can be something you USED to do. Keep posting! Hugs, Smoke __________________ It is better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life. 21st century proverb

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03-14-2002, 06:08 AM	#3 (permalink)
annewayman Paused Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: San Diego Posts: 17	first... huge hugs to you! And congratulations on not only not drinking since new years but starting to see yourself honestly... I know that doesn't feel like progress but it is, truly. It also sounds like your taking some steps that have to be done... filing bankruptcy isn't easy either... so give yourself a star for dealing with that. And take a deep breath or two... I'm so sorry your sponsor got drunk... what a shock... so part of what's next is finding a new one... someone who has actually worked the steps and who the program is working for... Plus meetings, meetings, meetings. One of the hardest things in the world for me has been to get off my own back and to build my self-worth... it really started when a gal asked my very early on if I was willing to become worthy... I was and it sounds like you are too. Re your kids... patience with yourself and the process... hard to do I know, but you're on the right track. With meetings and focused work on the Steps your on your way. Post here often, we've got some great wimmen! Anne ------------------ <A HREF="http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com http://soberrecovery.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com http://soberrecovery.com</A>

03-14-2002, 05:06 PM	#4 (permalink)
brattygal27 Paused Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: regina, sask. canada Posts: 10	Hi there Thank you for your replies. I'm grateful for any bit of help that I can get. I have done some more stuff today. I have spoken with another woman, who I'd thought of asking to help me before. I work with her, so I will have someone for me at least to start my day off. She is a living breathing angel. She has actually been there for me already, though she doesn't know it yet. I've drawn off of her reminders of the Serenity prayer on more than one occasion. She also has this knack of knowing when there is something wrong. I think she knew I was an alcoholic as well, before I even told her. sigh My HP is evidently working in those around me. I'm feeling all right today. I've been too busy today to do much thinking. It was all very good stuff too, so I'm not beating myself up about not actually doing something today. Another problem with me. Ick. I seem to have a lot of those quirks coming to light. Well, I think I'll have a nice hot cup of tea, and read my BB for a while. I did my meeting today during my lunch hour. I watch the girls do their gymnastics on Thurs. evenings, so I knew I had to go at that time. I'm pretty proud of myself today. Another feeling I haven't had in a long while. So all in all, it was a very good day. I didn't step on anyones toes, and I looked after some of my needs as well. I'm grateful to be alive and well today. Not very long ago I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide. Thank you ladies for being here!

03-16-2002, 06:33 AM	#5 (permalink)
annewayman Paused Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: San Diego Posts: 17	Sounds like a good day... good for you! ------------------ <A HREF="http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com http://soberrecovery.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com http://soberrecovery.com</A>

03-17-2002, 10:40 AM	#6 (permalink)
Sick In The City Forum Leader Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Vacaville Posts: 95	Brattygal, Welcome to the recovery forum and I applaud your courage in posting part of your story here. I was also a woman who could not handle the closeness that marriage implied and my husband had tried to help me through so many things but I was blind to it at the time. After a while, I let the emptiness I felt inside of me take over and I went from abusing alcohol to abusing other drugs. I left my husband and my children for a man with whom I could use comfortably whenever I wished. Realizing how horrid my actions were at that time makes me realize how large my addiction was and how far I have come in my recovery. One of my children lives with me; the other two are moving back to this area with their father in August. I see that you have alot of stuff to deal with in front of you. AA will help you to do that. There is alot of wreckage in your past. AA will help you find the tools within yourself to clean that up. You have hit your bottom. AA will help you stop digging. I was a woman who ran full speed ahead away from my life and my life choices. The twelve steps and the dear, dear friends I have made in the fellowship have taught me to run full speed ahead into my life! This can happen for you too. I have left alot of wreckage behind me but I am cleaning it up now. I have a wonderful support group now. When I stopped lying to myself and everyone around me, a whole world of opportunity opened up before me. I had to walk through some really painful and fear-filled stuff to get to this point but I am here. And six months ago, I never would have imagined coming this far. Again, I welcome you to the boards. My prayers are with you that you will find a sponsor. My prayers are also with you that you will soon come to realize how wonderfully worthy you are! Get to a meeting. Try 90 in 90 and see where that takes you. You've got nothing to lose.

03-17-2002, 06:47 PM	#7 (permalink)
brattygal27 Paused Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: regina, sask. canada Posts: 10	Hi again. I am smiling today because I had a wonderful day once more. I was very productive. LOL. I shouldn't laugh because I really worked by butt off. I have been living well, not very well. I had my ex-husband and my two girls over tonight. I actually made dinner! We had a good time. I love watching my dolls playing and they are growing up well, despite me. Thank goodness I married such a wonderful man. He didn't deserve what I did in the relationship. He tried so hard, but hindsight is 20/20. I am very sorry for what I've done to him. I know he won't be going to alanon now, even though he did try it a few times close to the end. I just hope that he does meet someone worthy of who he is, because he doesn't deserve to go through this again. He is really a truly wonderful man, and I'm happy that he has the children right now. I'm at a point in my life where I have decided to accept my responsibility for what I have done. I don't have to like it, but I have to learn from it. Imagine that? All the years I have been around the program and I've been pointing the finger all of the time. I've never accepted that it was me who was doing this. I understand that I was living in my disease. It had its hold on me totally. I let it. It was easier to do that than to look at me. Today I'm looking at me, I don't really like what I see...but it's ok. I have a choice now, I can repeat it all over again, and take all the pain back. Or I can feel it, and get help with dealing with it. I get my help from talking with others in recovery. I get my help from asking for it, and talking about my life today. I might have a good day, but I share that as well. I cannot forget what I am today, and I cannot forget where I was not too long ago. I am praying hard right now, because there are huge things going on in my life right now. Stuff I'd rather not deal with, but I have no choice but to deal with it. I ask for guidance on a daily basis. I slow things down and I pray. It is working, and the help is slowly coming to me now. All I ever had to do was ask for the help, and I would have gotten it. Funny how it took such drastic measures for me to finally figure this out. With that said, I'm happy to be alive and well today. I'm happy to know that I have help available to me, if I just ask for it. Thank you ladies for being here! e

03-20-2002, 05:52 AM	#8 (permalink)
annewayman Paused Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: San Diego Posts: 17	love hearing about good days... you may want to start some sort of a journal so you can see how much progress your making--you know, so you give yourself proper credit ------------------ <A HREF="http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com http://soberrecovery.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com http://soberrecovery.com</A>

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