Thinking about babies..

[shestruggles]

Hi ladies...

I guess I'm looking for a little feedback, or maybe just to type out my thoughts so I can see how insane they are.

I'm 31 and married a wonderful man last year. As some know, I'm also a recovering addict, 6 months off dope and starting to taper off suboxone.

Anyhow, my husband and I have been talking about having kids. Scary stuff. I don't know a thing about babies, I've only touched 1 baby my whole life. Never thought I was the mommy type, until I got married and started having urges to have a family.

Of course, we always end up saying - well, we have to wait until we have enough money, and we have to wait until we buy a home, and all my immigration crap gets settled (not sure if I can remain in the states, I'll find out in 2007 - don't ask!), we have to wait until there is an aappropiate time in our careers, and of course, we have to wait until I get some serious recovery time under my belt.

So, every month, I'm careful not to get knocked up. But, can I ask - is there ever a perfect time to have a baby? Seems to me people are having babies all the time, regardless of whether they rent a house or own, regardless of whether they have a college fund set up for the baby or not, etc.

I'm afraid if we wait for this 'perfect time', maybe I'll find out I can't have kids or something.

I know the most important thing on the list is my recovery. Having babies is stressful and can lead to serious depression, especially those whop are pre-disposed to it (hello - thats me!). I know I can figure out how to care for a baby and I know we can can make it work financally. I guess it boils down to me.

I'm going to be unemployed in a few months (my work permit will expire), and hope to be free and clear of the sub. Sooooooo, I'm thinking maybe......

I know it's a HUGE thing, but maybe I need that. I will alwyas be a recovering addict - it's not like I can put off having kids until that goes away, b/c it's never going to....

Arg, I know it's a personal decision, but any thoughts, my lovelies?

[spork]

shestruggles - you are correct, there is never a perfect time to have babies.

BUT - some times are better than others. You're only 31, you've only been married for a year, and you have only been clean for 6 months. My advice is to wait a while longer.

You can't imagine how much having a baby will change/disrupt your life. Once you are pregnant, you won't be free to be your real self again for a looooong time.

I had a baby at 18, when I was a substance abuser. I continued to be an alcoholic/addict for the next 15 years of my daughter's life. There are unresolved issues between us -16 years into my sobriety. Granted, I don't have a rosy view of pregnancy or motherhood - I was a single parent, messed up, in dire poverty - but we need to hear the non-rosy points of view, too.

Waiting another year or two to settle into your recovery, and your marriage would be my best advice - for what it's worth.

[Evanna]

Originally Posted by spork

shestruggles - you are correct, there is never a perfect time to have babies.

BUT - some times are better than others. You're only 31, you've only been married for a year, and you have only been clean for 6 months. My advice is to wait a while longer.

Wise words i think.

[HPierce]

my sponsor told me no major changes in your life until after a year of soberity from whatever it is your recovering from. you go through many different feelings during that first year. and another thing... i dont believe there is ever a perfect time to have a baby... get married... or whatever. something will aways put if off... money, time, not ready, anything! so my advice would be to wait until a year and then if you still want to have a baby dont wait for anything.

[51anna]

Well, as the others have said, there is no perfect time to have a baby. I think the question you need to ask yourself is "Do I have the strength to give SO much of myself to a baby, but still remain firm with my commitment to myself?" Waiting awhile wouldn't be a bad idea, but only you know what is the right thing to do.

[4health]

I think it would be wise to wait a while. Just a little longer. A year of sobriety would be a good lenght of time first.

A point I'd like to make. You said you'd had depression before. You should bring that up with the doctor. Before you're pregnant or in the first weeks. Talk about medications should you get PPD and if you're Breastfeeding, that is something to seriously consider.

I didn't have ppd until I quit nursing and this was due to hormone levels. That was great becasue I didn't need the medication until I quit nursing!!

The rest? Well, that will all fall into place on its own time. Buying houses and such isn't a prerequisite to having a good family. It might make it easier though

We lived with my in laws when I found out I was pg with my first dd. We were both unemployed even. Of course, we were only 20 then...

[Kellye C]

I have to agree with everything posted. There is NO good time to get pregnant but some are better than others.

Your marriage is young, you are still getting to know each other really. A baby will change your marriage, good or bad but it will change it and for a very long time.

Your sobriety is even younger. I'm sure you're still working on issues from that. Becoming pregnant is liable to take the focus off of that.

I agree with waiting a while, working on you, getting to know your hubby even better and enjoying life sober. 31 is not too old to start nor is 32, 33, 34 you get my drift.

Hope this helps!
Kellye

[WENDY92021]

I agree with everyone saying you should wait. I always new I wanted to be a mom. I got married 2 years ago at the age of 35. I had 11 years and my husband had 4. My baby is now 6 months old. Like I said, I have ALWAYS known that I was supposed to be a MOM. I waited until I had the husband, the house, the money saved in the bank account. Even with all of that, and don't get me wrong, my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me, however, it is really hard! It is hard to put aside what you want, to do what is best for your baby. I am always aware (I also have a 7 yr. step daughter whom I care for also) that my children will learn more from what they see me do, than what I tell them. I am also aware that there is the possility that my Step Daughter (her mom is a practicing addict) and my daughter may be more likley to be addicts also, so I want them the grow up with the tools that i didn't have. I guess what I am trying to tell you is that before you even consider having a baby, make sure that it is really what you want. I have much more respect for my friends that have acknowledged that they just don't want kids, than the ones who had them just because they thought they were supposed to. It takes a lot of sacrifice and you really need to be sure you will be able to give that much of yourself to someone that didn't ask to be born. On the upside, nothing else that I have ever done in my life is as satisfying and full of joy and just playing with my daughter. Congrats on 6 months!

[shestruggles]

Thanks all.

I must admit my biggest fear is passing on my depression and anxiety, which seems to have all my family predisbposed to substance addiction. Good thing my husband is an all around well adjusted man. Only hope if/when we have a child, they inherit more of his brain chemistry than mine!

Of course KNOWING about my conditions might allow me to raise a child with as special insight into the symptoms and problems associated with 'comprimised' mental health.

Looks like most of you mirrored my own thoughts. Maybe wait a while until I am sure both hubs and I are able to handle the committment that will literally change out lives forever. I feel that's much more important than the perfect 'financial time' to have kids!

Thanks for your insight!

Love;SS