feelings

[kareen]

I am feeling so many feelings right now that its even hard for me to identify them. I am pretty sure i know what is the main problem in my life but to recognize it means i have to do something about it and i am not ready to do anything about it. The problem is my boyfriend, well i didnt mean it like that cuz i am the problem too. You see he lives with me and we have only been together for 4.5 months...big mistake but he had nowhere to go but an hour and a half away so i let him move in. He pays more than his share so he is not living off me but i think the feelings come from how he is which i have to accept or do something about it. I feel like he is more of a roomate than anything. He doesnt love me...he says love is something that takes time,which i agree with but it hurts that he doesnt. he is not affectionate like i feel i need in a boyfriend and we fight a lot and i feel like he always puts it on me. Like my insecurity's are the problem and he says its about control and that i am not used to guys like him. We fight about everything...how much time we spend together,how often we have sex(he actually told me the other day,"how about every other day?"). Do you know how that made me feel? i am just venting.
Ok the part that sucks is all this sh** is not good and i feel crappy and i am not happy but i am being one of those "stupid girls". I packed his stuff one time cuz he was gone for 3 days and then when he came back i punked out...i asked him to stay and he told me something like "maybe i do have feelings but i have issues with love" to keep me there and i fell for it. The second time he slept on the couch for 2 days and i was a wreck, i went to meetings 24-7, i hung with my support group and i stayed away. But guess what? I took him back. This time he said"well in order for this to work we both have to give 100% And there are things both of us have to do and stuff we have to stop doing". Well i punked out again.
I thought that i had came a long way with my issues and self-esteem. But i cant imagine being without him. I think i love him but love is built on 3 things:passion,trust and commitment. And love is returned. I felt so strong this last time and asked him to leave and told him i would give him his money back if he would leave(he payed ahead 1 month).And he wouldnt leave so my brother was gonna come talk to him, not to fight but to tell him he had to go and i gave in. I feel like a big piece of s***. I am not happy yet i dont want him to go. I have a good support group and a lot of friends that were there for me those times i felt like getting high so its not that i have nobody. My friends beg me to go out with them. I guess i just needed to vent and type it out to see it. I want feedback but i dont feel ready to let him go. I am not willing, you could say at this point. I know i am used to suffering and pain like addicts are but this is ridiculous. I pray about it. i talk about it. I try to put up a wall so i dont get more hurt but i just hate these feelings. Work is good,everything else is good in life. But my self-esteem sucks. I am staying in a relationship when i deserve better. I know i do but still i stay.Thank you all for listening to me and reading this long post of me babbling. Feedback is needed. I dont know what you can say, but when i am willing i will do something. Or when the pain gets bad enough i will change the situation.goodnight.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hello Kareen!
Oh, oh. I think you're turning into an anon. Is there a CodA group in your area? However much you believe you love this man, living together arrangements are torture for both parties if they don't want the same things. The fact that you said several times that you're not ready to let him go makes me think that YOU think that's the best idea. Why not see what you can do about finding those meetings? It's risky not to resolve that conflict within.

Love,
Smoke

[kareen]

Thank you for replying. I dont think that its best if we stay together at all though. Let me put it this way...when we are together i get hurt a lot and i am not happy so its a little pain constantly. But if we break up and he leaves its a huge rush of crappy feeling all at once but i know it will end.So its either a little constant pain that goes on forever or a rush of crappy feelings and pain all at once. I should just end it because it will get better eventually but i dont because when i tryed the last 2 times i couldnt believe the pain that i felt. I have yet to feel that crappy in recovery yet. It hurt so bad. So i am just scared as hell to go thru that pain. But thank you for your suggestion.