Recovering Herion Addict

[emily:Ian]

I am 36 years old and have beeen shooting herion for 8 years. I am 7 months clean. I have gone to meetings and just felt like I didn't fit in. It just seemed as if everyone was talking about every one else. I did not feel at home or have anyone come up to me the newcomer and introduce themselves like I thought it was like. I am somewhat untrusting of people and the women in the rooms didn't make me feel comfortable at all. I don't know. Maybe its me probably. Well I know I need someone to talk to, I need some support so I turned to the computer hoping to reach out and get some support. I have a two year old son and am pregnent with my second. I am married 20 years to my husband who also used like me, though he finds the rooms of AA to be supportive where I didn't. We have been clean the same amount of time. I am depressed alot. Probably because I don't share my feelings with anyone else, and somewhat missing my drug. I have had thoughts of using, but I know the outcome. I've been in this a while. It wasn't untill I was homless that I finally hit rock bottom. My husband and I both, we got our own place now since July, and our son is with us. Thankfully my mother-in -law took care of him when I couldn't. I been to prison and in and out of jail numerous times over the years, but when I became homless and had to go to a shelter is when I hit bottom. Though I won't lie I have thoughts of using and being pregnant won't stop me. I used during my first pregnency by the Grace of God my son was fine, born fine everything no withdrawl ect. Though I know what I felt during my first pregnency of using and the risk I put my child but it isn't a complete fix to keep me from using. I just take it day by day other days are better than others of course. Life has gotten better. I guess I'm just a completly crazy to even entertain the thought but I can't help it. So this is why I am here typing. I don't want to go back there but I know I need support. So I guess you can say I am reaching out here. Thanks for listning.

[51anna]

Hi Em,

Welcome and I'm glad you found us.

When I found SR it was truly a gift. I'm not an AA person and I really felt the need to talk to people who understood exactly what addiction is all about. There is lots of support and encouragement here.

I hope you keep posting.

[angelgirl]

I just take it day by day other days are better than others of course. Life has gotten better. I guess I'm just a completly crazy to even entertain the thought but I can't help it. So this is why I am here typing. I don't want to go back there but I know I need support. So I guess you can say I am reaching out here.

Hi emily,
Nice to meet you..
My name is Becky, and I am about 6 1/2 months clean. My DOC is opiates, only pain killers, oxycontin, oxycodone, hydrocodone,, and so on.. Doesn't matter what it is, it's all the same to me,, all a bunch of suffering in a pill, or needle, or bottle, however you want to look at it.

I highlighted some sentences of yours. Some really cool sentences. You are craving? Yet, you are here, seeking help.. Instead of out there, seekin H. Also clean for 7 months,, CONGRATS,, it's so tough. Somedays are easier than others, wow, I looked up, that's what you said, yep it's true, so we really enjoy the good days, find peace those days, be very grateful those days, and on the other days, I pray alot, don't know how you feel about that, but it helps me, it really does, but SR also helps me ALOT, and I also attend Celebrate Recovery, a christian based 12 step group,,, I love the group also, but for right now we just meet 1 night a week, soon it will be 2. There are people I can call, just like in NA/AA, it;s up to me to pick up the phone though, and I'm not always so good at that, which hurts me. But I use SR alot, when things are really bad. I have found some really great friendshps here, and one in particular is very strong.. I have posted some real strange things, even some real bratty rants here, but I feel it's better for me to type it out here, than it is to hold it inside myself.. Getting all the crap out of my head. I have attended NA and also AA, I love them because they really do help peopel if they work the program, really work the program, I just felt I " fit " better in Celebrate Recovery, that's for me, many others do find much help in the other programs, I say whatever helps you. I also attend a dual diagnosis group, for my anxiety, depression, and Bi-polar disorder, along with my drug addiction.. The group is wonderful, I love that also , really helps me. It wwas hard at first, my drug and alcohol couselor is the head of it, and she kept prodding me to go, finally I did, and I haven't stopped yet. It was hard to talk at first, but over time, I got more comfortable, and have shared more all the time.

To me, anything is better than going back to where i have been. You are experiencing some hard times,? Do you have any support? Any counseling, or anything at all? I also see a therapist. I am getting alot of hlp, I have been through sooo many hospital detoxes, and treatment centers, that I have learned through it all that, I NEED as much help as I can get, I myself, have learned I need to reach out and grab ahold of any sober thing that I can, and I have attended many groups and such, cousleors those kinds of things. Have alot of huge medical bills, but I knwo that I would not be alive if I hadn''t.

I just love what I have highlighted about that you said.. These are strong words in my opinion, written by someone who, to me sounds liek she is really ready to NEVER go back to that life, even if it seems to lure you.. You can do this, you are doing this.

As far as being pregnant and using, I know you understand that because your first baby did not suffer from your using at birth, the nest very well could.
Also I have 4 kids. They all suffer immensely from our chosing to use drugs. They are either neglected, or abused or shipped off to live somewhere else. I don't want that for my kids anymore, they have really been through enough.. I have really truly hurt them. I pray that they will not grow up, and have the same probelms I have..

I pray you stick around here and post as much as you can, staying clean isn't easy, but you can do it. Many have, and many more will. I just don't want to die like that and leave that legacy for my kids...
Please post all your feelings, at least here, no one knows you, you can spit out all of your feelings the way i spit out mine. It's the words that you spit out, that seem to be the most important ones to get out of you..

We'll be here, check out the other forums also..
Love, Becky

[Evanna]

Hello Emily and A Huge Welcome to You,

Thanks for your post. You story could be mine...honestly we could be interchangeable people. I was also long term heroin/crack addict and went all the usual places that takes us as women including the streets and iv using whilst pregnant. My husband and i also used together for years and cleaned up at same time. I was very depressed for the longest time when i put down the drugs. Like you i chose to clean up in relative isolation. I was simply too depressed to deal with people. I dont know if i made it harder by my isolation or not. Probably but i is just the way is was for me. Finding this forum helped though.

It is very hard cleaning up. Cleaning up with children is difficult to cope with and cleaning up when pregnant is just damned scary. Your courage is inspirational. Hang in there Emily you are doing this. It wont stay this hard i promise.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

[shestruggles]

Welcome, dear.

You will find tons of support here, from women who have BEEN THERE. Jeep posting, just get it all out, we are here, reading and thinking of you. We don't gossip about each other, and understand the terrible thoughts that sometimes run thru our addict brains.
That being said, you've done some amazing things in the last months. You literally turned your life around. I understand the depression and the using thoughts, oh boy, so I ever....BUT you have play it all the way through. Think about how using, even just once, could cause you to lose everything you've so hard for.

Please keep posting, pull up a seat and know you've got friends and alies here. You've probably already helped someone with your post ~ someone who is struggling to find the courage to reach out for help and tell thier story... that'swhat we're all about. Helping ourselves and helping each other.

I look forward to getting to know you!

Much Love:SS

[FaeryQueen]

Welcome Emily

Have you worked the steps with a sponsor?

[northbelle]

Hi Emily,
Wow reading your post was like reading a bit of my own life!! I am a recovering heroin addict also..been to jail..homeless..shelters...lost my child to the state..got him back through staying clean..had a husband I used with..got clean together..Just alot of similarities and I really do understand what you are going through..I too gained SOOO much back through getting clean but STAYING that way is the hard part for me..I began relapsing after two years on methadone but I have picked myself up before..well you know how much we have to loose!! Boy I really went through that feeling of not fitting in too..I kept going to meetings and leaving feeling like nobody liked me...telling myself I didn't fit in..that is was just a soap opera and nobody really cared about anyone else....I kept searching and I did find a meeting where I began to make some real connections..although sometimes I still think the same things..I try not to judge it all too much..I am so critical of people and places..much like I am with MYSELF..sometimes I would tell myself THIS..when I went to a meeting..maybe it is not all about me and maybe the reason I am here is for someone else..I started being the one to reach out to others who looked uncomfortable and lost..especially other mothers with small kids...sometimes it is so hard for us to try to go to a meeting with little ones and just having someone come talk to us makes a world of difference...Just looking at the whole meeting thing differently helped so much..I try to reach out to other women because believe me they feel just the same way..waiting for someone to reach out to them...maybe you could reach out YOUR hand??? I had two years clean and sober from heroin,finally got my kid back, my own place, did jail time..basically it was a miracle..but I ended up feeling so depressed it all just didn't seem to matter anymore..I started "chipping" here and there but now I am back on the recovery road..isn't it scarey to think that after going through what we have worked SO hard for we could even consider using again??? I know it does me but I did it anyway!! That is the power of the disease..Heroin is a tough thing to overcome ..I know it all is but I can just so relate to your feelings right now....I will be praying for yu and your babies!! What you have accomplished is a miracle too hun...I hope to hear back from you and you can ALWAYS PM me..love in recov northbelle

[MROBI]

We Have Alot In Common. I'm A 40 Year Old Male New To Recovry (16 Days No Substances), I Dont Feel Aa Meetings Are For Me Either. It's About What Works For You! I Could Go Back To My Disease Any Second. I'm About Done With Withdrawal, And Know Thats Not The Right Path, I Dont Want To Start Down That Road Again. I'm Trying To Embrace The Pain.
You Have Some Good Clean Time In, Sounds Like You Are At The Post Acute Withdrawal Stage(that Can Last 6 Months To 2 Years). This Can Be The Hardest Time To Make It Through So I've Read. Dont Blow It.
Everyday It Helps Me To Write Down On Paper (my Son And Wife Deserve To Have A Father And Husband That Is Not A Junky).
Please Before You Ever Use Again Post On Here And We Can Give Mutual Support. We Can Live Clean. A Healthy Diet And Regular Exersize Program Really Helps People In Recovery. Release The Endorphins It Feels Good And Can Get You Through Rough Patches.

I Look Foward To Cooresponding With You.


" I Know Right Now You Cant Tell, I'm A Little Unwell, But Stick Around And Pretty Soon Your Gonna See, A Different Side Of Me". Hold On.

[MROBI]

Sorry I Didnt Catch That Is For Women Only. Wont Happen Again.

[DSodaNow]

Emily- Recovery is a road of lots of bumps. It does get better. Keep posting and remember you are doing the right thing right now.

[cookconfay]

Hi there.....My name is Connie, I'm an addict, heroin was my drug of choice....I'm 47 now and will have 11 years clean on Saturday. I attend AA meetings, I have a sponsor, I work the steps. I've been in & out of jail, been homeless, my oldest daughter went to live with her dad cuz of my disease, I have hepatitis C, I've been in & out of the hospitals, I've been to treatment 7 times. I used to attend NA meetings but here in my area, they're just a bunch of nazis and can't understand the reason they exist is because of AA in the first place. Oh well....nuff about that.

I would try some more meetings if I were you. YOU can talk to people and reach out, uncomfortable yes, but.....how important is it that you save your a$$? I mean are you willing to do whatever it takes?

Ask God or your HP to remove your thoughts, compulsions and obsessions to use or drink. Read, write and pray some more......stay on here and vent/chat whatever. Whatever you do, don't pick up & use, don't drink. It will get different and if you're like me, different is better! Way to go on the 7 months. I first went to a meeting back in 1986 or 1987, first trip to treatment 1989.....I've had a month here 6 months there, 1 year here and 1 1/2 yrs there, 3 yrs & 4 1/2 months one time and relapsed in 1997 for 3 months. It gets really bad really quick......today through a process of following some suggestions.....I have 4013 days clean & sober that is 10 yrs and 11 months and 28 days. Easy no, not some times, better oh HELL YES!!!!

[kj3880]

Welcome!!!
It's normal to have cravings.
I have to pray sometimes to ask for the desire to use to be removed from me.
That always seems to help, it's just that I have to remember to do it.
KJ

[kj3880]

And honestly, I love NA meetings. Best thing about recovery. I couldn't do it alone.
KJ