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|10-15-2005, 10:12 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Not crazy, just a lil unwell
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Out of my mind, please leave a message
Been gone for awhile
In case anyone's interested. I've thought of you all during my time away. I just thought I'd check in and let you all know that my pot smoking, porn loving, verbally abusive husband moved out today, assisted by myself. I'm done, and he knows it. I feel like I'm walking around in a fog, just hanging by a thread. Never in a million years did I think I'd have the strength, the balls, or the ability to do it. I'm not even sure if a month from now I'm going to fall flat on my face seeing how I'm not able to work still, being on disability and limited income, but you know? You've got to know when it's going to kill you.
I'll leave the dirty details out. Suffice to say, I'm getting help by the Domestic Violence Intervention and Response Team, Child Protective Services, and from the beloved Goddess who has managed to hear my plea for peace and protection.
You know, just as of 2 months ago, I'd wish upon the first evening star every night that my AH would just die in his shed (aka drug and porn room). It wasn't until last night when he was sobbing and sobbing as he held the kids for the last time "officially living there" and moved quite a bit of stuff out, I realized my wish was answered in a way that didn't become clear until I was meditating late last night. He is dying. A slow, painful, blame everyone else, emotional death...only this time, no one is buying his song and dance, whereas before they did. We all know the outcome. Death, insanity, or recovery. He's holding out hope for a reconciliation. The Domestic Violence Team is advising me to be very careful in how I respond seeing how hell would have to freeze over before I'd reconcile for a third and last time, but we don't want to incite him to a rage right now as he is leaving fairly peaceably since the police and social workers came.
I am bone, bone tired, I've cried til I'm dry for various reasons, but you know, my kids are doing ok. Sadly, they don't even notice Daddy is gone, because he sure wasn't around them much to begin with. Always outside in the shed. I've realized in the last week and a half, I've done a pretty damn good job raising my 2 oldest girls right, because the wisdom that is flying out of their mouths, particularly the 8 year old, is absolutely astounding. The professionals that have been working with us have nothing but praise for me, and let me tell ya, it's music to my ears after years of hearing what a crappy wife I've been. My 2 year old son hasn't asked once where Daddy is. I think he'll be ok too.
It's my first night alone tonight. Wouldn't you know? A storm is brewing, and it's beginning to rain. I know this is my Higher Power's way of telling me it will all be ok. I feel the most alive in storms. There is sadness, anger, fear at being flat broke, grieving for a 20 year relationship etc. There will be a ton of legalities to sift through, locks to change, window locks to be bought, and so on. But more than that, it's a freakin miracle I stayed my course and now the kids and I are as safe as can be expected & can begin our healing.
Thanks for letting me share.
Recovery date: 5/15/83
|10-16-2005, 10:21 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jul 2005
What a wind ride for you! Sorry to hear about it, but I also feel rejoicing for you as well. We can't live in constant turmoil and in a few days you'll be enjoying the peacefulness that will cover your family. I, too, just moved out of a similar situation (10 years) and the first few weeks are hard. Emotional and mentally draining, but it's now at about six weeks and I'm feeling much better about it. I was the one who moved, so there was plenty to keep me busy and sometimes a new home really kicks starts the healing process. My advise is get as much rest as possible and start a project around the house that you and your kids have wanted, but never could get. Try to enjoy the peace today and if you find yourself looking back on the past too often, well, I give myself a short time (15 minutes or so) to do exactly that and then I get back in the present. It will get easier. My kids (not his, tho') are so very happy about it. They are already blossoming.
If you want something different... you've got to do something different!
|10-16-2005, 11:06 AM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Blog Entries: 1
As I read your post, I could feel my spirit jumping up and down and shouting "Ya Hoo!!, Good for you!!"
It's been a long hard struggle for you, and I am so proud of you for making this healthy decision.
You know that we are all here to love and support you through this. You and your kids will be fine. I'm sure the agencies will help you get some sort of financial assistance.
You are a strong and beautiful woman, inside and out, never forget that.
I came into this program to save my a**
and found out it was attached to my soul. --
|10-20-2005, 09:53 AM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Blog Entries: 5
It's hard at first. But I remember that after a horrible prolonged painful divorce from my husband of about 17 years, as I got moving ahead, one day it hit me how much of a burden I had been carrying and how much lighter I was. It was a great white light moment....that told worlds of truth.
Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters
|10-22-2005, 02:20 PM||#12 (permalink)|
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
You are a very strong women! It can only get better from here!! You did the right thing as a mother for your kids, as well as for YOU!!
There's no way around the pain, you just have to walk through it...
|10-22-2005, 02:38 PM||#13 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
I know this had to be one of the most difficult things you've ever had to do and I'm so glad that you found the courage to do it. Your children will admire you for having the courage to realize that you are worthy of so much more then you were recieving. I'm sending big hugs because despite our differences I still care, have always cared and knew when the time was right you'd find the strength to go through with this.
Your going to be okay. *hugs*
|10-23-2005, 10:29 AM||#14 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: home sweet home
Hi and welcome back to your friends. I know this is a truely difficult time for you, but you have always had such great inspiring words to the rest of us, now you too can feel the weight off of your shoulders, and the peace in your heart from the agony of turmoil that followed each day. YOu are moving forward, and doesn;t it feel so good to NOT be stuck? It is so empowering to know that you have made a decision for a better quality of life not only for you , but for your children.
Stay strong, and remain with us here.....you will get what you need, just ask the higher power.,,,it will find you gifts you never imagined.
Missed you here!
Good things are about to happen.........
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