Starting all over again

[JessicaA.]

I haven't posted lately because I screwed up. I used again. On my 11th day. I can't believe I did that. Two 4-oz bottles of hycotuss and one bottle of percecet (40). I'm so miserable. I realized almost right off the bat that I had made a terrible mistake and stopped. Yesterday was hell. I had anxiety so bad for obvious reasons and because I was keeping this a secret. Only me and God knew. I had to tell someone, but was so afraid of the disappointment I would recieve.
So, yesterday I went with my mom to the mall. I told her then. She was disappointed, but supportive. She relapsed many times and told me I have to get up and not let the guilt get me down or I might end up using again.
I also found out my sister is pregnant again. That kind of hurts. I have 4 beautiful children, but because of my addiction I had a hysterectomy for the pain pills and can never have children again. I love my children and loved having them even though I was always miserable when I was pregnant. I don't think it would bother me as much if I hadn't had the surgery, but I did and it's nobody's fault but my own and I want to find joy in her pregnancy, her giving me another neice or nephew. I'm just lost. Yesterday I totally felt out of place. Like I didn't belong on this earth. What is the plan for me? I don't know. I wish I had a clue. I wish I had more faith in God than I do. I wish like hell that I hadn't relapsed and I pray I never will again. Right now, I just hate myself.
I hate this disease!!!! I want to stay sober and I want to be happy and it just doesn't seem right now like the two go together.
I need help. Can't be hospitalized, nobody to care for my children. Can't keep running to my mom, she's having a hard time right now as it is. My husband doesn't understand and I'm trying to grin and bare it for my children, but feel I am failing miserably.

Thanks for listening,

Jessica

[Paulie]

Jessica -

You are not failing at all, you slipped, that is all. you mother is a smart woman...she said...stop feeling guilty or you will relapse again.

have you been to any meetings? I understand that you cannot go to a hospital or rehab because you have 4 children to care for. Okay, but meetings, you can do that. If your children are small take them with you, there are meetings who allow kids, I go to them all the time. You have to do something for YOU!!

We all need support and help, that is why we come to SR. And this site and you and everyone on it are a part of my recovery. Notice I say 'a part of' I say that because I also do face to face meetings. I have been blessed to be clean and sober for a little more than 7 years now. I don't say that to brag, believe me i KNOW i could use today. I tell you that to show you hope. And to tell you how I mananged to get 7 years sober, to share my experience, strenght and hope with you. Meetings, the 12 steps, a sponsor. I recently got off my butt and got a new one and am working the steps yet again! I want to stay sober and I know you do to...so take the steps to stay sober. Meetings and working the steps will strengthen your faith in God and will help you to understand that HE does have a plan and that we have to be patient becasue HE will reveal it to us when HE thinks we are ready.
Please think about what i am saying.
keep posting my friend.

[zoomer]

:okay: Jess, I kind of have a dfferent view, but I dont believe you have to start all over again! When a baby first learns to walk, they do not think just because they fell down that they have to start all over again. They get right back up and try again. If a baby thought they failed everytime they fell, they would lose hope and be discouraged. It's a struggle to learn a different way to live. Don't beat yourself up OK. It's not the end of the world. Never stop posting no matter what! From a medical stand point of course you are down because alcohal is a depressent, it makes you depressed. Yournot going to die because your here writing. As far as thebab thing goes. I cried when I got my tubes tied (itwas my choice) because I could not have any more beautiful babies. I hate being elprego, but love my babies. Once a doctor who I went t with my fist born use to deal with the nuns. He told me that nns cry when they go through menopose because the gift God gave them to produse was gone. Eventhough they made a choice never to have kids, when the choice is taken away you miss what could have been or what you could do. Smile I do try and understand and so does others.
Zoomer

[liveweyerd]

Can't change what happened yesterday or the day before, serenity beats guilt.

It's a new day.

Takes time for new ways to feel familiar.

hugs,
tena

[badkitty]

...that I would like to say is that I know we all feel for you on your guilt and disappointment in yourself, but today is a new day and so is the next and the next. When I first made my post 5 days ago, I felt so lost and guilty and miserable, but everyone's positive attittudes and support really are keeping my sprits up. Keep posting. I know it is helping me. Maybe i only have 5 days, but these 5 days mean so much to me. And as far as you wish you had more faith in god than you do, I personally think (if you dont mind me saying so) that first you need to have more faith in yourself. I think beleiving in yourself is foremost. God will manifest his ways thru you, but you need to beleive in YOU most of all !!! Look for your answers within your heart.

[Peacefulpie]

((((((Jess)))))))

I am on my way back to the hospital..... so will give you my thoughts later... I did however want to take the time to send you a hug.

[Jane]

Dearest friend, I can relate to everything going on in your life. As I sit here, I too am depressed and very angry with myself because I have relapsed several times. But reading your message made me realize how important it is not to dwell on our mistakes. They're history now. We can't move forward and concentrate on our original goals if all our energy is going towards guilt. You know you have a problem so start again. My mother does not understand either but you can't control her feelings. This is about you! Put yourself FIRST. AA meetings are very very helpful and only one hour of your day which could save your life. You may also want to check out a recovery program on an outpatient basis. Most insurance companies cover these services. I look forward to hearing how you are doing. Make this your number one priority. God bless you.

[Peacefulpie]

Boy I wonder alot at times what it is about us that makes us believe in a fantasy called control....
Who was it that said we must at all times hide from who we really are...
are we God? or are we spiritual creatures who learn and grow through our lifes experiences? If we are God than it is ok to beat our selves up for making a mistake. Yet if we are spiritual creatures living in the light of our Higher Power then it is ok to gain more experience as long as we learn and grow from them.
It has been my experience that when I play God and think I can controll what is going on with other people and things it is then when I become the most lost...unbalanced. and it is then I am the most vulnerable to this disease. For me I fight those times with meditation,LOTS of meetings, service work and working with others.


perhaps if you got involved in a 12 step program found a commitment and got out of yourself for a little while your depression and lost feelings will lift?

[awordy1]

Jessica--Hey there I had been wondering how you are doin! Sounds Like you are doing just great! 11 days is nothing to dismiss. That's some hard work. I hate "the bump in the road" moment cuz ya think everyone can tell and they are placing bets about if you'll make it. What a bunch of negative guilt and blah blah who cares? I am not a good AA follower because giving it all up to your choice of a HP doesn't wash in my head.

For instance, ya know when you wrote the post about your kid's birthday and you activley participated in producing a party?...
Your smile was all over that. I could feel it. That energy is the gift you get from your beleif in a HP, your shaman, monk, whatever. That energy is what you tap into-inside yourself. For some folks maybe the HP can unlock it. For others they find their own key But it is inside of you. The more you look for it the more it will be there. TRUST it.

I guess I fall more in tune with the SMART recovery.org folks They aren't perfect either but just a diff philosophy.

If I knew your address I would send you this great book "Inner Wisdom/Meditations for the heart and soul" Louise L Hay
amazon.com
Keep beleiving in you---Awordy1

[Serene85]

I've been sober 30 days and I understand how you feel. It's very hard when your under pressure or if you have depression to stay clean. My couseler at Cumberland Heights told me whenever I get a craving to look at a picture of my 6 year old brother and think about how it affects him when I use. Maybe it would help you to look at the beutiful children you have when you get a craving. No matter what people tell you, you can get and stay sober!! GOOD LUCK! Everyone is here for you!