so what should I do?

[myles1]

Hi Everyone,

I left my boyfriend the 1st week of September because he was treating me really badly. Since th elast couple of months we've been trying to reconcile. I started therapy last week and am going to stick to it until the 3 month period is done. She told me in the meantime just take in things he says which I don't like and store them in my memory. So I am. One thing he said yesterday about going to see my family at Christmas was "We are not married and they are your family if you want to go and see them at Christmas go". Not too nice I didn't think. Kind of a funny attitude to have if you are reconciling.

So in my book "Women who love too much" it talks about trying fix things to meet our needs. So my question is should II bother talking to him about it or just store it up in my memory list of stuff I don't like to help me make a decision about the relationship?

Thanks

Ngaire

[myles1]

I think the comment he made about the christmas thing is more of his controlling abuse actually. dON'T know what anyone else thinks?

Ngaire

[sieglindek]

Girl, I know how you feel, I really do. I think what your therapist said to do would be best though. It sounds to me like he pushes your buttons, and if you give yourself some time to think about it, he doesn't get to have as much power to do that. Besides, it's not like responding is going to make him be nicer. Think about it, what he said wasn't mean. it was just callous. You wanted to hear something different and he probably knows it but he said what he said anyway. You can't make him do anything. I say store it in your memory and decide whether he is just being insensitive or if he is trying to get to you.

Sieglinde

[myles1]

HI,

It's both insensitivity and wanting to retaliate for me leaving it's called punitive.

Ngaire

[bikerprincess]

I had that same big word going on in my relationship with my ex (we have a beautiful six year old daughter) but it became just that ...a patronizing word to keep my hopes up. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS......judge by actions....it makes things more clearer. Good Luck

[Mazie]

Sheesh! If I broke up with someone in September, I'd worry about why I'm even discussing the end of December. Sorry, but if you called that shot, why are you asking an opinion about XMas, and what else could/should he say? If your breakup is to manuever a diferent behavior, then shame on you. If it was to enable you to move on... then move on.

[myles1]

Actually Mazie,

I t was an ultimatum given by me which I unfortunately didn't stick to for him to get counselling and take his meds.

Explain why shame on me fo rpulling myself out because I was going crazy?

Ngaire

[myles1]

Sorry but he's also agreed to a reconciliation Mazie so he should maybe put a little effort in on his end of things.

Ngaire

It's called showing some interest in what is going on.

[sieglindek]

Ngaire,
I know you said you have a therapist but you apparently don't have enough faith in them if you are still in need of opinions on this. If I was your therapist I think I would say this...

If you are going crazy with this person and then the person is back in your life on conditions of being on meds and counseling, you are setting yourself up for a lot of emotional rollercoasters. I am not judging your decisions, I am just asking you to think about what you are signing up for. Conditions like that don't set up calm relationships. If you want to set boundaries, set personal boundaries. Some examples would be "call before you come over", "You don't get to say things during fights and then say you don't mean it later", "trust is paramount to me and lieing to me is unacceptable", etc... Otherwise your boyfriend will be set up so that if he doesn't take his meds or do his counselling somehow he is proving he doesn't love you. That isn't going to help anyone.

One girls opinion.

[myles1]

Hi,

That seems like a good way to look at it especially about him being set up. That's totally new thought for me to look at.

Ngaire

[Cajun girl]

I wonder if you "expected" him to respond differently? I know in my relationship I find myself having some expectations then get disappointed and resentful (forcing outcomes) when they don't pan out.

If you are beginning to reconcile with this man, take it slow. First things first. Visiting with your family over X-mas in the big picture of things is probably minor. I know that it is the principle, but take it easy. Both of you can't change overnight. If you are both giving equally to the reconciliation, compromises will happen. Go and visit with your family and build memories for YOURSELF. Time will tell if he is equally invested in having a relationship. If he is not giving, BACK OFF.

Ease up, find some joy in today in what YOU find pleasurable and find some peace. Decisions don't have to be made today.

[myles1]

I guess we started reconciling in October. So can I have feedback on slow?

Thanks
Ngaire

[liveweyerd]

One day at a time and time will tell. The days will accumulate and either add up to deterioration or a firm foundation.
I, myself, am not comfortable committing when I am confused, scared, or in doubt.
ACTIONS tell the truth, words are sometimes just wishes.
Someone here says nothing changes if nothing changes and that is my experience of my situation like this.
It is easy to react to everything when it matters alot to you, but that also leaves you powerless. Like living on shifting sands, you never know where you stand, or when the bottom might fall out.