Relationships - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

mezing1 · 09-30-2005, 06:25 PM

I have been in a relationship for almost nine years now. Most of the time it has been an unhealthy relationship - using and drinking together, physical abuse, and lots of emotional abuse on both of our parts. I have been clean today for 34 days and have really been struggling over the decision of continuing this relationship or not for all of that time and for quite a while before that. Even though I can see lots of unhealthy things, I also am in love with Sam and know what is really in his heart even though he hides it a lot. I started out praying for God to take away my feelings for him. That didn't happen. Then I started praying for God to make the decision plain to me. That didn't happen either. Being with Sam forever the way things have been is not what I want, but not being with him forever is not what I want either. So for a while now, I have been praying that God work in Sam's life and lead him to the path of recovery and keep me on it no matter what my guy does. This evening I went to a meeting and on my way home I got a phone call letting me know that Sam is going to treatment. I realize that is not a magic cure and he has a long road ahead of him, just like I do. But for me this just reinforced my belief in the power of prayer and turning my will and my life over to my higher power who I call God. The cool thing to me is that right now I feel like I will be okay whether we end up staying together or not as long as I continue to work my program. I have heard people say at meetings many times that if you just keep coming around to meetings and work the steps, you will be amazed. I am beyond amazed at the changes I am seeing in myself and in my life. I am totally blown away!

nocoke · 09-30-2005, 08:47 PM

Congratulations on your clean time. I understand how you are feeling because I am going through the same thing. My b.f and I moved to get away from the life we were living. It seems lately I am the only one staying clean. We stopped drugging and recently I choose to stop drinking aswell. At times I want to leave my b.f so badly because I don't think that things will ever change but I always end up staying. Guess I don't want to miss him and I worry alot about what would happen to him if I do leave. I wonder would he go right down hill.
Like you I love my b.f very much and I've decided the only thing I can do is pray that god will help him find the strength to live a healthly life. Now I have to focus on my own recovery. I hope that he wants this as badly as I do and I will pray for your Sam aswell.
Hang in there and remember your not alone.

mezing1 · 10-01-2005, 03:52 AM

Thanks so much!! I will pray for you and your situation as well.

cleanmachine · 10-03-2005, 05:52 AM

I too have been in a relationship wherein he continues and use and I want to continue in my recovery. I am trying to believe that I am a lucky one because over the last few months he has been cheating on me with another woman out of state. Of course at first I felt like an idiot because I had no idea, that turned to anger and now hurt. But at least in my recovery, I believe I have to strength to realize that it might be a blessing in disguise. He was never all that supportive of anything I did and now that I surround myself with people who listen to me and care, I beleive he never listened or really ever cared about me. He was and still is self absorbed and it's all about him. I was the giver, giver giver and he just took and took and took. I pray today that I don't become weak and look back, that I don't give in when he calls (cause he will) and that the fellowship of AA, my higher power and my family, will pull me through the roughest times. Have a great week everyone.

nocoke · 10-05-2005, 07:13 AM

I hear you Cleanmachine,
I am always the one who gives in this relationship. I have been so focused on trying to make him happy that I forgot about myself. Well not anymore, I am sick of feeling like a doormat. It's time to do some work on myself. Screw him if he can't be happy, thats his problem. I almost wish he would find someone else because than it would make it easier for me to end this relationship.
I am sorry you are hurting now. Atleast your one step closer to having the kind of life you want. One day you will find someone who is concerned of your needs, you deserve that.

cleanmachine · 10-05-2005, 12:53 PM

Thanks for the encouraging words NOCOKE. It is a hurtful time for me, but each day I am finding a liitle more strength. My meetings and those who do care are helping me one day at a time.

mezing1 · 10-08-2005, 10:39 PM

I can relate totally to being the one who is always giving. I got another letter a couple of days ago from Sam - he is in jail in another county. Even though I told him I am not going to send him any money and to please stop asking me, he asked me again!!! I'm mad at myself for writing him back but at least I did not send him money and told him again to please quit asking me. In his letter he asked me if I will still be his wife one day and said he has to have an answer right now! I told him if he needs an answer today, then it is no because I am not willing to make a commitment like that to someone who is making a bunch of jail-house promises AGAIN!! and that my recovery has to come first this time. It was scary to put my foot down, even on paper, but it sure felt good! I hadn't written to him for a couple of weeks. The only thing I had done is send him an AA Big Book written in large type because I know his eyes aren't the greatest. So the other thing he asked for in his letter is a pair of reading glasses because he says his eyes are burning. I'm torn about sending them. If he really is trying to read the big book and needs the glasses to read it, then I think I should send them. But I don't know if that is really the case or if it is just a way for him to see if he can get me to give in again. Any suggestions?

09-30-2005, 06:25 PM	#1 (permalink)
mezing1 Searching for balance Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Wausau, WI Posts: 17	Relationships I have been in a relationship for almost nine years now. Most of the time it has been an unhealthy relationship - using and drinking together, physical abuse, and lots of emotional abuse on both of our parts. I have been clean today for 34 days and have really been struggling over the decision of continuing this relationship or not for all of that time and for quite a while before that. Even though I can see lots of unhealthy things, I also am in love with Sam and know what is really in his heart even though he hides it a lot. I started out praying for God to take away my feelings for him. That didn't happen. Then I started praying for God to make the decision plain to me. That didn't happen either. Being with Sam forever the way things have been is not what I want, but not being with him forever is not what I want either. So for a while now, I have been praying that God work in Sam's life and lead him to the path of recovery and keep me on it no matter what my guy does. This evening I went to a meeting and on my way home I got a phone call letting me know that Sam is going to treatment. I realize that is not a magic cure and he has a long road ahead of him, just like I do. But for me this just reinforced my belief in the power of prayer and turning my will and my life over to my higher power who I call God. The cool thing to me is that right now I feel like I will be okay whether we end up staying together or not as long as I continue to work my program. I have heard people say at meetings many times that if you just keep coming around to meetings and work the steps, you will be amazed. I am beyond amazed at the changes I am seeing in myself and in my life. I am totally blown away!

10-03-2005, 05:52 AM	#4 (permalink)
cleanmachine New Beginnings Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Detroit, Michigan Posts: 16	I too have been in a relationship wherein he continues and use and I want to continue in my recovery. I am trying to believe that I am a lucky one because over the last few months he has been cheating on me with another woman out of state. Of course at first I felt like an idiot because I had no idea, that turned to anger and now hurt. But at least in my recovery, I believe I have to strength to realize that it might be a blessing in disguise. He was never all that supportive of anything I did and now that I surround myself with people who listen to me and care, I beleive he never listened or really ever cared about me. He was and still is self absorbed and it's all about him. I was the giver, giver giver and he just took and took and took. I pray today that I don't become weak and look back, that I don't give in when he calls (cause he will) and that the fellowship of AA, my higher power and my family, will pull me through the roughest times. Have a great week everyone. __________________ Once you pick it up, your past becomes your future.

10-05-2005, 12:53 PM	#6 (permalink)
cleanmachine New Beginnings Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Detroit, Michigan Posts: 16	Thanks for the encouraging words NOCOKE. It is a hurtful time for me, but each day I am finding a liitle more strength. My meetings and those who do care are helping me one day at a time. __________________ Once you pick it up, your past becomes your future.

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09-30-2005, 08:47 PM	#2 (permalink)
nocoke Tammy Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 24	Congratulations on your clean time. I understand how you are feeling because I am going through the same thing. My b.f and I moved to get away from the life we were living. It seems lately I am the only one staying clean. We stopped drugging and recently I choose to stop drinking aswell. At times I want to leave my b.f so badly because I don't think that things will ever change but I always end up staying. Guess I don't want to miss him and I worry alot about what would happen to him if I do leave. I wonder would he go right down hill. Like you I love my b.f very much and I've decided the only thing I can do is pray that god will help him find the strength to live a healthly life. Now I have to focus on my own recovery. I hope that he wants this as badly as I do and I will pray for your Sam aswell. Hang in there and remember your not alone.

10-01-2005, 03:52 AM	#3 (permalink)
mezing1 Searching for balance Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Wausau, WI Posts: 17	Thanks so much!! I will pray for you and your situation as well.

10-05-2005, 07:13 AM	#5 (permalink)
nocoke Tammy Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 24	I hear you Cleanmachine, I am always the one who gives in this relationship. I have been so focused on trying to make him happy that I forgot about myself. Well not anymore, I am sick of feeling like a doormat. It's time to do some work on myself. Screw him if he can't be happy, thats his problem. I almost wish he would find someone else because than it would make it easier for me to end this relationship. I am sorry you are hurting now. Atleast your one step closer to having the kind of life you want. One day you will find someone who is concerned of your needs, you deserve that.

10-08-2005, 10:39 PM	#7 (permalink)
mezing1 Searching for balance Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Wausau, WI Posts: 17	I can relate totally to being the one who is always giving. I got another letter a couple of days ago from Sam - he is in jail in another county. Even though I told him I am not going to send him any money and to please stop asking me, he asked me again!!! I'm mad at myself for writing him back but at least I did not send him money and told him again to please quit asking me. In his letter he asked me if I will still be his wife one day and said he has to have an answer right now! I told him if he needs an answer today, then it is no because I am not willing to make a commitment like that to someone who is making a bunch of jail-house promises AGAIN!! and that my recovery has to come first this time. It was scary to put my foot down, even on paper, but it sure felt good! I hadn't written to him for a couple of weeks. The only thing I had done is send him an AA Big Book written in large type because I know his eyes aren't the greatest. So the other thing he asked for in his letter is a pair of reading glasses because he says his eyes are burning. I'm torn about sending them. If he really is trying to read the big book and needs the glasses to read it, then I think I should send them. But I don't know if that is really the case or if it is just a way for him to see if he can get me to give in again. Any suggestions?

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