retalitory, controlling behaviour

[myles1]

Hi Everyone,

Has anyone ever experienced this in your spouses when you decided to break the cycle to get well............retalitory, controlling behaviour?

It's hard right now because if I ask a question about anything....I can't get an answer it could be what do you want to do this weekend, what about Christmas, anything. To me it's like a control thing, he's going to control things no matter what, I left and he's upset about it still, he was telling me this morning how much it screwed up his head and he needs time and it's going to take time to get over it and he's in tears at the same time which I understand perfectly but it's all the other crap.

I'm trying to learn to trust MY gut and go with my feelings and my feelings tell me he's playing control tactics because I left.

Any feedback would be welcome from you guys.

I told him this is why I asked him to go to counselling with me to sort out the problems between us.

Ngaire

[Ann]

He can only control you if YOU allow it. If you have something specific you would like to do, say so. If he offers no suggestions, leave it at that. Do something for yourself that YOU want to do.

He is saying his head is screwed up and he needs time. So give him time. That doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold. Just don't expect something from someone who has nothing to give.

Communicate clearly, and do not play games or buy into his games. Ask a question, and if you get no answer, accept that and move on.

You can plan for yourself and work your recovery. You do not have to participate in his games or bad behaviour. And let him work his own program.

This sounds harsher than I intend, and it's definitely not a skillet whack LOL, but sometimes we just have to step back and live our lives without them. It takes practice, but it is healthy.

[myles1]

Hi,

Not harsh at all, it all makes sense and it's all what I know. I just like to get feed back from others and listen to their experience strength and hope. What I'm focussing on is getting the info I need from him for myself to be safe so I can make appropriate decisions for me. I am getting better at not getting diverted away from topic which he likes to do and not buying into his games and manipulations. I'm CONSCIOUSLY working on it. Itry to be as honest and direct as possible with him.

Thanks for the reply.

Ngaire

[JT]

Honest and direct is great...that is the way I try to be. But keep in mind that you cannot control anothers response to your honesty. It sounds like he is not responding the way you hope he would.

If your gut says it is control then chances are that is what it is...blow it off and continue on. It will fall into place one way or the other.

Hugs,
JT

[Paulie]

I think my gut is usually right, and yours probably is too! Follow it and listen to it.

We allow people to treat us a certain way, I am truly learning that lately. Don't allow yourself to be mistreated or controlled, i know that is easier said than done, but we all have to try.

[myles1]

Hi Everyone,

The last 2 replies have been about listening to your gut and I've been thinking all evening that I have to learn to trust my gut and listen to it and it is probably telling me what I need to know.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family I was trained to ignore my gut but now it's time to change that. I think my gut is and will tell me alot. I have to start having trust in my feelings and perceptions of things.

Ngaire

P.S And you right that I can be honest but have no control over anothers responses, but at least I know I've done the right thing on my part.

[zoomer]

Ha, I have to laugh! My husband said before we got married that he is not giving up his "life" when we get married and he preceded to tell me the dates when he will go to a golf turnoment, bowling etc... Well, heck he had something planed for at least one week out of a month. I respected it, but then we had kids. I did't have much, but I gave it all up and he preceded to tell me "I told you in the begging." I said just because you told me and were honest, does not mean I have to like it or except it! I could go on and on, but he went the opposet way and never does anything that is not work related or past related with his same old drunk friends. He is not a bad sort, just really into himself although he acts like a marter. Now, the hard part is just because you are sober does not mean you are right and just because you are sober does not mean everything he does is wrong. If you hurt him and he feels hurt, then he feels hurt that is on him and what he wants to do with it is up to him. It's taken me a long time to learn that "a bible thumper is a bible thumper no matter what book they use". It's your program, your life and you can't force it on any one. This just give you power to see and trust your gut what is right for you and where YOU WANT TO GO!
Zoomer