missing my mother

[j'ade d'arcy]

I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

There is something that is troubling me lately, and I really need some advice or just understanding about what I am feeling.

My mother is an addict/alcoholic. She has been missing for almost three years now. She moved to the other side of the country over ten years ago and became transient. Our relationship is very damaged from both her addiction and my own. It has been very difficult since I was in my teens, but we always tried our best to at least feel love for each other. Even though we often disliked each other, there was always love.

When she turned up missing, I did my best in the condition that I was in to try to locate her. Unfortunatly, I was in the throes of the worst years of my addiction, hitting bottom after bottom and now I worry that I did not do all that I could to find her. Now that I have some sober time, I'm wanting to try again to find her. On one hand, I need to know if she is still alive, if she is ok? On the other hand, I worry about finding her and starting our toxic relationship all over again. I guess I am struggling with whether or not my sobriety is strong enough to start this kind of emotional discovery.

I did report her as missing with the police in her city when she first went missing three years ago. I was very intoxicated when I spoke to the missing persons dept. and looking back, I don't think they took me very seriously. I've never heard back from them, and I'm ashamed to admit that the one time I called them back to ask questions I was very drunk.

I'm going to have to do some soul searching on this one. I try to hold out hope that she was able to find some help for her problems, but in my heart, I'm sad to feel that I don't think she did. Even with our past and our terrible history with each other, I would just like to hear her voice again.

I guess I'm feeling terribly confused, I don't know how to mourn her, I don't even know where she is.

[stormyautumn]

Hugs to you and prayers. If you feel you want to find her and know she is ok you can just do that without having to get back into a relationship with her. I know about having to know the unknown, it will eat you up. As for your regrets, I've been told that there is no should have, would have, could have. Let's focus on today, and if you need some help I had done some work for a friend of mine helping him locate his mother in california.

[CarolD]

Yes Jade....I do so relate.
I have a son who has been missing for over 10 years.
He will be 49 this week.

I refused to allow him in my life when he was active...
and he was always using.
He is an addict/ alcoholic...who 'rides the rails'

I have moved and he has no way to find me.
His brother and I have searched using on line resourses.

So far....nothing.

I think of him as now clean and sober living in his favorite state...Texas.

Jade I have been sober for 16 years.
Active addicts are still too toxic for me.

I pray for Ross and turn the results over to God.

I hope you find peace with your situation. Blessings...

[Fire_Wind_Rain]

Blessings to you. Can you go back to the original place you put the first missing persons report in and talk to someone there? Pray for guidance, & remember the Serenity prayer. Sometimes we just have to accept things no matter how painful they are, and that is a bitter pill to swallow when we have no control.

[2stop]

Bless your heart...I can relate. My mother is not an addict or alcoholic...but suffers from severe mental illness and during my teen years she would disappear and not let anyone know where she was....she was very paranoid and thought I would hurt her. I always felt responsible for her, physical safety, mental well being.....it was so difficult to grieve her also...as a young girl she was a doting mother, bu7t she relied on me heavily for reassurance and depended on me knowing how awful my father was and how bitter she was about it....her disappearances were so hard to deal with. I would cry til I felt I would literally break into two.

Our relationship has been very rocky these past few years especially..she ran me over with her car during a paranoid spell..and to this day denies it, although my two children witnessed it..I still suffer from the injuries....forgiving her and grieving for the mother I wish I could have had, and for the mother I knew before her sickness took her away is diffcult.
I am getting along with her now, and she seems almost normal...the too good to be true part...she usually takes off or hibernates, won't let anyone know anything about her for spells of time. I just take it day by day.
Take care of you first.......hugs coming your way. Keep posting and reaching out. The pain seems unbearable, the grief seems odd being as they are alive......time doesn't necessarily fix anything, but we learn how to move forward, not stay stuck in the grief and pain of it all.

(((((((((Warmest hugs Coming to you)))))))))))

[j'ade d'arcy]

Thanks for your responses.

I read through my original post this morning, and thought about it all day. I really think that this is not the time for me to be doing this. I've felt out of sorts ever since I wrote that post and I just think that at this point in my recovery, this is too painful for me to deal with. I'm going to discuss this with my counsellor on wednesday.

I'm going to do alot of soul searching about this.

For those that also have loved ones that are missing, I send you my thoughts as well. This is a terrible thing to have to deal with, and being sober dosen't necessarily make it any easier.

If my counsellor agrees, I am going to make one more attempt with the police in the city that she was last in. I don't know if I'm ready at this point to do anything further, but when I am ready would it be ok if I asked you Stormyautumn how your friend went about searching for their mother?

Thank you again for listening to me everyone!! This site means alot to me.

[abtchonamission]

(((((((j'ade))))))

I have no words, just my prayers for you and your mother.