try in cope without drugs

[kham]

I've been clean for 9 days now. That feels good.
My problem is dealing with my husband. We've had alot of problems for our whole marriage. We've gone to counseling numerous times never getting down to dealing with any of the real issues.
I am just so frustrated with him. We fight all of the time and when we finnally have a big blow out then we both just back off from talking with each other furthering the possibility of ever dealing with the things that hurt. It seems that the only time he can get in touch with his feelings is when he's angry and then it's not even what's at hand but every other bs thing that's happened all week.
I know men deal with feelings different than women. That they have a harder time expressing their feeling, hurt and dissappointments. I just figure that at our age 46 & 45 we'd be past all the inability to communicate. This is when we are supposed to be enjoying life and each other.
I dont really expect an answer I am just so frustrated with trying to figure him out. The fights we have are so rediculous half the time I can't even remember what they are about, when were finished.
I just needed to vent. I am determined not to let our fighting force me out the door again. But I know our fighting isnt going to get resolved any time soon either.
He doesnt think that fighting has anything to do with me relapsing.
help...
thanks for listening
K-ham

[Gypsygirlmom]

Hi Kham,
Congradulations on being clean for 9 days! That's fantastic!
I'm a Anon, my husbands doc is marijuana. I wanted to post to you because I can relate to what you are saying about the communication problem. We had (and are still working on it) the same problems. We'd have the big blow out, usually when he had built up enough anger for who knows how long. Then he would express it. Then we wouldn't talk for days, until someone, usually me, broke down. I can't even remember most of the battles we've ever had. And they would start off with one thing, and the next thing you know he (well, we both probably were) pulling stuff out of the "grab bag" ( a special bag where you store all your resentments & anger for future use!) to the point where I didn't even know what we were originally fighting about. This went on for years. I don't think we ever really solved anything, just blew up, until the next blow up, usuallly about the same thing, even tho I said a million time, we need a solution to the problem so it stops coming up. Originally when we went for counceling, the councelor told us that he needed to get clean first, then go to counceling separately, then he would consider marriage counceling. We both had to start to work on getting to the bottom of our 'own' issues. Now that he is going to AA & I am going to Alanon, it has really started to help with this problem for us. In the last 8 months we've only had a few blow ups, and we're able to handle them by saying "Time out" and then later would come back & discuss the problem. It really helps to take that time out, get emotions under control first. Or I will say, I can't talk about this right now. So I guess what we're doing is starting to learn to respect each others feelings. I know I was always waiting on eggshells for the next battle to begin. It helped us to start growing & changing on our own, then we could start working on us. Are you going to NA or AA? Are you seeing a councelor at all? Maybe just focusing on yourself, and your own recovery will start you down the right path. You and your sobriety should be #1 in your book, then eventually the rest will follow. You need to take care of yourself, don't worry about figuring him out. He's going to do whatever he's going to do no matter how much you worry or try and figure it out. Try not to put yourself thru that. And you can only change yourself & how you react. You can do this without the drugs! You've already got 9 days in! Just one day at a time! OK? Do it for YOU! Your worth it!

I'm sorry if I wasn't much help, but I know how you feel about the fighting, and trying to figure out what planet the men actually come from!

My thoughts & prayers are with you!

[kham]

Gypsygirlmom.
Thanks so much for your words of understanding and comfort.
With God's direction and the wonderful people I am meeting in church, NA, and on this site, we might just make it.
I know my sobriety is #1 right now, but that's hard when you are all tied up in knots from fighting.
We just got back from Bible study, and wow, my husband came up and said some things to me that blew me away. I know he's trying and it's not been easy with my drug use.
I just told him to give this site a try and see if he gets the same warm and loving response that I have gotten.
I think he would enjoy posting and reading and finding people that understand what he's feeling.
I thank all of you so much for being there for everyone when they need it.
I am in awe of the people that come on to this site and the time taken out to respond to someone in need.
Thanks so much
K-ham
Coping much better for now

[Peacefulpie]

When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." PP 67.


And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol pg.84

[myles1]

Hi,

I have to say I agree with everything Gypsygirlmom said. Try not to put yourself through trying to figure him out and focus on you!

Ngaire

[Heavy Heart]

Hi Kham,

It's so hard to deal with anything in the beginning of sobriety, let alone marital problems. I never thought I'de be saying this but thank-god I lost everything to my addiction because I don't think I could have handled work, the boyfriend at the time, paying rent etc. It's hard enough just to concentrate on your recovery and really that's probably all I would try to focus on. The rest will work itself out.

Alcoholic/addicts and their spouses go through the addiction together and the recovery together. Sometimes the recovery for the spouse is difficult because everything changes. I am actually going through the exact same thing right now but I am waering the spouse's hat. It's hard, we fight all the time too and that's an understatement. It will get better, it's hard on both of you right now.

[JT]

I learned something very important in recovery and that is that it takes two to fight. If I don't participate there is no fight.

When I stopped playing my role and reacting to the situation it was hard and we didn't talk much but in time it got better. Today we rarely fight...and I still walk away. Whatever tension that was flaring up gets solved in time.

Hugs,
JT

[kham]

Thanks for all the encouragement.
Relationships are hard anyway, and then going through the changes involved in cleaning up adds to the pile of issues.
And there are alot of issues.
My husband and I decided to sit down once a week and discuss one old issue and the past week. We've also agreed not to let it turn into a mud slinging contest.
We are trying to be more understanding of each other.
We have alot of changes to make.
I appreciate everyones input.
Thanks so much
K-ham

[Paulie]

K-ham -

There isn't much more I can add to the great things that have already been said. I want to welcome you to SR, this is a great place for support and friendship. Congrats on your sobriety.

Remember when you are talking with your husband, that the old stuff doesn't matter...what matters is today! I am with someone today that I used with for years, we are both sober, but sometimes my head wants an explanation for something that happened in the past, but I can't go there. What I have to think about is today, not yesterday and not tomorrow. You said you were going to talk each week about one old issue, so I just wanted to toss my 4 cents in there and tell you that if it is not relevant to today, it doesn't matter, really.

God Bless and keep posting.
I need you as much as you need me.