What would you do?

[namommy]

Tonite, my 16 year old daughter's boyfriend (who is 18) got beat up by his step-father and kicked out of the house. He was going to sleep in the woods somewhere tonite, and my daughter asked if he can stay here for tonite, and figure out someplace to go tomorrow. Of course, I said yes. I couldn't let this kid sleep outside tonite. My husband agreed.

So, the rules and arrangements we made are this: My daughter sleeps in my room with me, he sleeps in my daughters room, and my husband is going to sleep on the couch. (he usually does this anyway since my 7 year old has been in our bed for what seems like forever).

He has to work in the morning, so we will get him up at 6:00 am and he has a ride to work. After work, we are planning on sitting down and helping him find a place to stay.

Do I let him stay here until arrangements can be made as long as he is putting out the effort? What would you do?

[stormyautumn]

It really is up to you although I have had two similar experiences letting friends stay with me till they got on their feet and once I opened that door it was almost impossible to get them to leave. I would say when you sit down and talk to him give him a dea line as to how long he can stay an no matter if he has a place or not he has to leave on "whatever date".

[51anna]

Hi Namommy,

Hmmm, I'm not sure.

When my daughter was 16 she had a platonic guy friend who was kicked out of his house by his dad. He was a good kid. I spoke to his father who was rigid and obnoxious - so we let him stay with us till he got himself together. He didn't make any effort to look for a job so after a week I packed his suitcase and put him out. I felt absolutely terrible and he ended up sleeping on our sundeck. That made me feel worse. I would say definitely specify your plans with your daughter's boyfriend tonight and let him know what you expect.

[namommy]

We talked to him about the arrangements for tonite, and that we would talk more tomorrow. He's pretty upset, yet trying to be the tough guy and not show it. His mom is not all there. I'm not sure, but I get the impression she is either an alcoholic or an addict. Home isn't too good. He's also pretty beat up. He had a glass bowl smashed over his head, he has a black eye, and a cut on his neck. When it first happened, I was still at work, but my husband was home. His first instinct was to come here, even though he knew my daughter wasn't home, he told my husband what happened, and asked if he could use the bathroom to clean up. Then he went to my daughters friends house where she was. I feel bad for the kid.

Hopefully, this will all work out. somehow.

[wolflet]

i've been on the other side as both people (friend & friend in need) & my advice as such is to agree with the previous (set VERY specific boundries time wise)

also you need to discuss food, curfew, friends over, general household rules, & if he has a job suggest he pitch in either with $$$ or give him some chores to do around the house. He needs to be able to give back & you need to not end up feeling taken advantage of.

it can be a beautiful thing to help people, esp. young people & even more so if he got beat, but be on your toes.....when i was young (& even now! LOMA!) i needed to know the rules & the consiquences if those rules were broken........also, is his being beaten at home an ongoing thing? if so you might be able to suggest him getting some help to deal with the emotional scars (tho even just once will leave it's mark) this young man needs some help dealing with his emotions & the sooner he gets it the better chance he stands. if his back ground is violence may i suggest a talk with your daughter, he may be one that learns from example or one that vows to never be his father, it can go either way.

will there be any issue with his family that he is at your house & not trying to come home ( i know he got kicked out, but people who beat their kids are not sane)

good luck whatever you decide!.you are kind to even consider it.

[stormyautumn]

Were the police involved? I know he is 18 but it is not right for the step father to beat him like that.

[UrbanFool]

I've been on both ends as well, and was very grateful for the help when I got it. But I got on my feet as quickly as possible. Hopefully this kid will be the same way.

I'd definitely send him packing if he shows no initiative.

[Phinneas]

I admire your strength and compassion, namommy. Once again you're doing the next right thing.

Prayers to all who suffer, from this disease, it's effect or just plain life.

--phinny

[abtchonamission]

(((((namommy)))))

You'll know what will be right...I know you will.

My son, the oldest, turned 18 in December. The May before, his girlfriend's mom took him in (he's in MA still, wants to finish high school there.) She did it because he wanted to run away from the emotional abuse I was unaware of with his father, where he was living.

That woman, Laura, personifies an angel to me...she reached out to my son when he needed SOMEONE at that exact moment.

Whether you let that kid stay with you just tonight, or longer...you are another on my list of real life angels.

[namommy]

I suggested that he call his mother last night, just to let her know that he was in a safe place. I know I would want someone to do that if my kid were staying with them under any circumstances. He wouldn't call. He said his mom told him she never wants to see or talk to him again, and he said he thinks she really means forever. You can see on his face that this hurt him.

He's really upset and embarassed that he has to stay here. This morning he wouldn't come down and eat anything for breakfast before he went to work. So, I packed him a lunch without asking him and made him take it.

I know he can't stay here on a long term basis, that just wouldn't work. I will allow him to stay for a few days, and that will give us the weekend to work on finding him someplace to stay that is safe. I know a few people in recovery who rent rooms, and maybe someone has one open that he can stay in for now.

I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for all the responses and suggestions. Alot of good things for me to think about incorporating into our talk this afternoon.

[splendra]

((((NAM))))

It sounds like you have a plan.

You did not say why he got kicked out. My H is not authorized to lay a hand on my son however, I believe my son can take care of himself. What kind of mother would allow her H to beat her son?

[namommy]

He was arguing with his mother (like all teenagers do) and the step father smashed a glass bowl over his head during the arguement. He started fighting with the step father and it escalated from there.

What kind of mom? A co-dependant, active alcoholic/addict mom. This disease sux.

[51anna]

I'm glad he has you to help him.

[namommy]

His brother just pounded on my door with an attitude. Telling me I may not want him around my daughter and where is he. I don't need this crap. I need to make sure some boundaries are also set with the brother coming here to harrass him. I'm also having a really bad morning, but I'm gonna start another thread about that.