relationship addiction

[myles1]

Hi,

I was wondering if you guys deal with relationship addiction issues here?

Thanks

Myles1

[Paulie]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

We can talk about anything that you want to. I think addiction is addiction, you can be addicted to drugs, food, alcohal, people, etc. there are so many addictions. But like I said, you can talk about whatever you want.

This is a great place for fellowship and support!!!

Keep posting and tell us more about yourself.

[myles1]

Hi Pauline,

I'm a 40 year old woman and have been in recovery from Alcohol and Drugs for almost 5 years now. I've recently become aware that I have a serious addiction to relationships NOT SEX, relationships. They seem to work much the same way for me as drugs and alcohol did and I certainly act much the same way it's the the same cycle as drinking and drugging.

So anyway I've been trying to find a support group on the internet which deals with relationship addiction.

So if there are any others here who may have this problem I'd certainly appreciate some feedback.

Thanks

Myles1

[Babyjul]

In response to Myles1:

Go to the website for Sex and Love addiction. It explains all the characteristics of Sex addiction,Love addiction, or both.


http://www.slaafws.org/pamphlets/withdrawal.html
This address deals specifically with the issue of withdraal", but you can find the rest from there. Good Luck !


Babyjul

[Babyjul]

To Myles1:



E-mail me at Babyjulietj@aol.com. Let me know how you are doing with the issue. I am 33, and have used "relationships" as a drug too. But it can be JUST AS DEADLY. I have now a police record for becoming violent with my hubby ( in self defense). It all began in the name of " I feel lonely, and think I deserve to be with someone" ( even if they didn't treat me well).


We are now getting divorced, and my daughter is 14 months old. It's really sad.

I just could not be alone ( single).

P.S.- Thank God for the Anonymous programs
Babyjul

[myles1]

Alright, Thanks.

Ngaire

[shelleybellie29]

Hi Myles,
Welcome to the forum. There is a good bunch of women here. As for your post I agree with Pauline addiction is addiction. We can be addicted to anything and everything. For me I used relationships as a drug when i got clean. Relationships take you out of yourself. You dont really have to look at yourself or your real issues in a relationship because we usually put that person and there feelings before ours and after the relationship is over we are still stuck with ourselves and the same problems with some added with the heart ache, loss, and lonliness we feel when we end a relationship. i use to jump from relationship to relationship to try asnd mask my insecurities, fear, and lonliness. Eventually you hit a breaking point and it could be disasterous. I think first people need to find out why we feel the need to jump from man to man. Are we feeling inadequate alone? Why do i need a man to validate my existence. Get ok with being alone and get to know yourself first before you share yourself with someone else.

[Peacefulpie]

well now I want to say Welcome to the forum Myles!

You will find awsome people here...

Now my views on relationships and addiction.... OH BOY!
Please dont get me started!! hehehehe

no I am just messing around.
Like Pauline has said addiction is addiction no matter the form it comes in.

Once again WELCOME!

[myles1]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the replies. In my active days I did jump from relationship to relationship. A.A drummed that out of me, I've only had 2 relationships in the last 41/2 years. I'm still in the second one and it's not the healthiest, psychological abuse going on. My problem: Why doi I always end up with these type of men and my cycle of addiction to them. It's pretty insane and scary I must say. I've just substituted one addiction for another. On one hand things are crashing down but on another hand I feel and see a door opening now.

Honesty

OPenmindedness

Willingness

Ngaire

[myles1]

Hi Babyjul,

Are there any of those relationship addiction meetings on-line at that web-site you sent me?

Thanks

Ngaire

P.S To everyone my real naME IS nGAIRE, mYLES1 IS MY LOG-IN NAME TO PLACES.

[myles1]

I guess what's happened is a light has gone on my head and a door is opening and it feels like that relationships don't have to be this insane that there is a saner and different way to do things.

The relationship thing has dogged my tracks for years and screwed up my life because it's been such a horrible driving addiction along with drugs and alcohol. I don't know I've bben feeling differently the last 3 days, lighter and happier.

I've read this book called Men who hate women and the women wgho love them and now I'm reading Women who love too much. The therapist told me today to keep on reading them she uses those as part of her material. So funny that I'm onto those books. Today was my first therapy session. But Higher Power works in mysterious ways.

Ngaire

[lampsnclaypots]

Hi,

I think I am in an addicted relationship. I have been involved with a married man in a long distance relationship and I am trying to get out of it. I think I use it as a crutch and I can so easily go into denial about it. I want to learn to be alone for a while and eventually be able to have a healthy, mature love relationship. Any advice would help. Thank you,
Annacate

[GettingFree]

Hi lampsnclaypots,

Love addiction is much more common than openly talked about. I've been there. Many of us become addicted and dependent on relationships to try and fill huge unmet needs created by early emotional pain or trauma.

Our sense of self-worth becomes defined by being in a relationship and by the attention and love -- or hoped-for attention and love -- from another.

And we can be so fearful of being alone, and our sense of self and self-esteem so fragile, that we can go from one relationship to another or stay involved for years in what are clearly destructive, unreliable, chaotic relationships that consistently fail to meet our needs -- even though we keep hoping they will, often believing 'if only' happened, we'd be happy. And we often mistake love for a mixture of many other things.

The path to free ourselves from this addiction takes courage and honesty. Just like breaking any addiction. But it can also be incredibly liberating and exilarating, leading to a much greater sense of confidence and sense of self. It's about going back and cleaning up the hurts from the past (learning where our low sense of self and neediness first came from), facing our fears head on, and learning to love ourselves from the inside -- rather than looking to another to do it for us. It's about learning to feel strong on our own, and see ourselves as worthwhile individuals worthy of love from those who can give back as much as we give. And with that, you can develop the skills to have what you described, a healthy mature love relationship.

It sounds like you know this relationship you're in is not a healthy one. As difficult as it is, if you are serious about becoming free from this, and from repeating the pattern in the future, the only way is to break it off completely, cold turkey. No more interaction. No more phone calls. No more email. At the same time, you'll need support, like with any recovery process. It's not easy, but you can do it -- and you'll be so much happier. If you choose to follow a recovery program, you'll look back in 6 months with completely different eyes.

Coming here to SR is great. You might consider attending CoDA meetings (CoDependents Anonymous) which operate in most major cities. In any CoDA group, you'll find lots of people who have been dependent on relatonships and are trying to break addictions to people. For me, individual therapy was essential to my process.

If you're interested in reading, here are a few titles you can check out:

Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer;

Facing Love Addiction : Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody;

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

all the best and keep posting,
gf

[lightseeker]

Hi -

I have found some good on-line information regarding sex and love addiction. This one group has an on-line forum group that I take in digest form. It's been really helpful to receive their downloads, insights, and wisdom. The web address is:

To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SLAAsupport/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
SLAAsupport-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

The books that have already been recommended are really good ones. Also, anything by Patrick Carnes is excellent. I am convinced that many of us have sex/love addiction as our primary addiction. Until that is truly addressed we will likely continue to relapse. My partner and I both wrestle with this issue....I've used sex to get the intimacy that I crave and he has used intimacy to get the sex that he wants. From my experience, it is tough tough tough to work on this addiction. It is doable though - we've made up our bottom lines in our relationship and that helps us to build trust.

Great discussion!