my amends are not enough!!!!

[8janine6]

I have 18 years in recovery. I have issues with my now 35 year old daughter whom I adopted when I married her adoptive dad 30 years ago.

When I was active I failed her in all sorts of ways despite trying to get help for me from psychologists, for her from psychiatry, family therapy etc. I suspected alcohol abuse at age 13 and over but psychiatry was useless in gleaning that out. We ended up in a sick cycle of her provoking me to anger and me beating her in return. When I tried to break this cycle her psychiatrist gave me Xanax but I had a long history of "better living through prescriptions". She started to hit me back. It seemed in retrospect now she was craving attention of any kind even negative. This has left a mark on her and I clearly understand this and feel emotionally devastated by the damage I caused. I came into recovery when we put her into a long term rehab which treats the family. She ran away to relatives after one year and they got custody(she chose this).

I have made amends to her twice over the phone. It seemed like things were mending although we seldom saw each other. She sought my help in finding her birth family and I did help.

Lately, and I do not understand why, she is sending me scathing e-mails describing in detail incidents when I lost control. I understand she needs to get this out somehow(she does not believe she has an alcohol problem) but I still wonder. I wrote yet another amends by e-mail but my sponsor says what I did was enough. If I keep going on like this I will need professional help.

To my e-mail amends came an irate answer that after18 years of sobriety I still cannot figure out why I did what I did. It seems she wants to punish me. I do not believe e-mail is the correct venue to handle this constructively. I am temporarily blocking her e-mail to preserve my sanity. She can always call if she really wants to talk.

Can anyone relate?

janine

[51anna]

Well, it just seems that your daughter still has major issues over your behaviour towards her years ago. It's great that you have made amends and that is all you can do. But, obviously she has not been above to forgive you or to move on. She still feels the need to communicate with you and express her feelings. Since you have blocked her email that should end the problem for you. Obviously it won't help your daughter who clearly still needs to deal with her anger. Does she know that she can call you and you will talk to her? If not, maybe you should let her know that. She may be crying out for help and would appreciate some guidance.

I wish you well.

Anna

[angelgirl]

Oh we can go on sick forever and ever, if we continue to blame, and refuse to get past our past.. I too blamed my father, and ome on my mom, for a long time, for my drug abuse. I now realize it's foolish, and it's best left in the past, although I do struggle with it.. But I think I often struggle with it, because my father was a very, very mean man, although be could also swtch and be nice, it wasn't very often. But now, he still tends to constantly put me down, and yet be nice more often that he was when I was younger. It confuses me, I try to please him, and that leaves me angry, and then more comes to the surface for me, so it would seem that I haven't forgiven him, and I don't think I have yet. Although I am working on that. I know I am talking in circles here, and don't mean to, but what I am saying is, the resentments tend to really "come out" when he is treating me badly now. I also believe that the majority of the time, he doesn't even realize that he's hurting me.
Now I am certainly not saying that you treat her badly, and don't know it.. I am only sharing my experience. Since I have struggled with the same issues.
Maybe you could go to a family therapist with her?? Showing her you do care, and want her to get beyond the past. Maybe you have already done this, don't know only trying to help.
My mom died before she ever stopped abusing drugs at 46, and although my love for her is deep, I am learning a bit that all I went thru as a child, with her drug abuse, her her many, many psyc. ward stays, and treatment stays, and how I loved her SO much, hurt me so much when I was growing up. We can never resolve any of that, but I can resolve it on my end, and I am trying to do that through therapyy. It took me a very long, long time, before I could admit that my mom hurt me, it was indirect her, she didn't mean to hurt me, and I knwo she didn't want to hurt me, and sometimes that seems to make it harder to understand.... It should make it easier, but it doesn't.
My husband is adopted.. I believe his adoption has caused him deep scars of which he refuses to get help for.. He has terrible abandonment issues, the why didn't she love me enough to keep me feelings. He has trouble letting go of anything, and won't get help. He even told me if I dirorced him, well, he would never allow it, no matter what he had to do to prevent it, that didn't mean he was going to get help though, it was more a case of, if I can't have you, then no one will, and he hol;ds on very tight.. I believe it comes from his feelings of losing so much...
I am now a mom, and have carried over some of the same issues, and that helps nme understand more that my parents just did the best job they could do, but until I had kids, I did not understand that, and even after I had my kids for alot of years, it has only come to light through my own drug abuse.
I am sorry I rambled here. I hope something I said makes sense..
Becky

[liveweyerd]

I have very strong feeling about this. YOU have made amends, that puts it in the past. It is up to the other person what they are going to do with and about it. You CAN do something to help change this cycle! You can show recovery by showing your boundaries that you will not accept abuse. Which is what these mean emails and blaming are. Time to say I have done all I can, you may not speak to me in a disrespectful manner etc etc etc, say it once and back it up with action. Actions speak louder than words. You were right to block the emails.
Either play nice and rational or not at all.
JMO

live

[splendra]

I agree with liveweryerd the best amends you can make would be to show her abuse is not aceptable.

[Cap3]

Hi,Step9.Made "direct".......amends to such people whenever possible,except when to do so would injure them or others.
Good judgement,a careful sence of timing,courage and prudence-these are the qualities we shall need when we take step 9.
Most of us begin making certain certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join AA.
After we begin our recovery we usually want to sit with some of the family and readily admit the damage we have done by our drinking.Almost always we want to go further and admit other defects that have made us hard to live with.At this ..first..sitting, it is necessay only that we make a general admission of our defects.It may be unwise at this stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes.Good jugement.While we must be sure to remember ..that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expence of others.You can go over step 9,more with your sponsor,if you feel you need to.
You say,that you cannot figure out why you did what you did.Take your time.look into the root and causes.This IS important for your own recovery.Anger?Self-will run riot?I don't know.But you will,eventually as your searching into these root and causes.If im not understanding the why i do the things that i do,i will continue doing them at some point again.This is my experience with step 9.
However,if both you and your sponsor feel that you have made the amends to the best that you can,then move forward.Hard to do with folks trying to keep you into the sickness.But someone has to break the cycle,of sickness,or it goes on,and on,and on.Let go and let God.Your daughter is 35,an adult.There is recovery programs for her also.All she has to do is reach out.Its all in her ball court to get the help that she needs,Like you and i have.Praying for her.I cannot change the past.Holding hammers over my head for something that i can never change,is trying to keep me in ,pain,of,the past,and trying to make me a victim,of my past.My past today,is a tool that i use to help others.I no longer wish to shut the doors on it.ive done all that i can to make amends,to others.I don't behave ,or treat,others as ive done in my past.Its over,one day at a,time,through the grace of God.Ive changed.
As your living in recovery more,you will eventually,come to the point too,that your past is a tool to help out others.Keep the faith.
My prayers to you and your family.
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!!!!

[Andygirl]

Sounds like she needs to grow up.

Maybe you should try some al-anon meetings?

[8janine6]

Ladies:
Thanks for you feedback. It helped me sort things out and I will follow the suggestions.
J

[8janine6]

I reread these posts.

I still suffer from deep remorse and followed the suggestion to do a 4th step on this particular issue-which I did last night. I shared it with two people and it really helped. I came to the realization that I have not forgiven myself. That is probably the reason why I am so sensitive to my daughter dredging up the past to torture me. No more e-mails to me-after I offered to visit a therapist with her to work on our issues. I would fly to her city to do this. She has sent e-mails to my husband - thankfully he does not respond and has always supported my recovery.

I have started to ask my Higher Power to help me forgive myself. I know nothing else would work.

Thanks for listening.

[Justme57]

Just to share how I am coping with a similar issue. Though I am only 2 years sober, I have made ammends to my son for the damage I did to him trough my drinking ( 37 years of it) , and he too has not accepted it . he has moved, changed his phone and e-mail addy, and i no longer see my 2 grandbabies.

Although this hurts my heart, it is not as bad this year as the last 2, I have handed it to my HP, and that has helped a lot.

I heard at a meeting once, and it made a HUGE impression on me, that if we do the footwork, and the next right thing, HP will do the rest .

This has given me a measure of acceptance, and a peace in my heart, that when the time is right, things will change ( or not).I have to let it go, on a daily basis.

Hope this helps
HUGX
Lee

[Paulie]

if we do the footwork, and the next right thing, HP will do the rest .

YEP that is true!!!!!!!!!!!!