I've posted about this before, but.....

[namommy]

Some things are so deep rooted in us, that we need to address them again and again.

I have been acting out on my defect of being a hard a$$ alot lately. One thing I notice about myself when I am acting out on any defect is I start with sarcastic humor that has sexual undertones.

My mind has been beyond filthy lately and I just spurt out the sarcastic comments before I've even thought about them.

I haven't been very loving and caring lately, I have been brutal to people for the most part. So, I am trying to avoid too much confrontation for the time being. It's tough.

I just can't help but wonder why the sexual undertones when I am acting out?

I'd really like to act out on the sexual undertones.

[51anna]

Well, I think that being aware of your behaviour is a really good start. Sometimes we don't even see that we are acting a particular way, so you are half way there. It sounds like you're feeling angry and expressing sarcasm and being 'brutal'. I wonder if the sexual undertones have to do with power issues? I usually feel angry if I think I'm losing my power or giving it away.

Anyways, I think the soul-searching is always a good exercise!

Love, Anna

[In memory of miracle]

(( Laurie ))

I know that you have been really stressed and in physical pain. Could acting out sexually be a form of escape? A substitute for getting high?

[namommy]

I haven't been able to act out on it to find out. My son has been having 'night terrors' again and has been sleeping with me. My husband has been on the couch.

Anna,
I am going through some control issues and power struggles right now. That may be possible.

AARRRGGGHHHH... I hate this 'hole in the gut' feeling.

[In memory of miracle]

Oops! I wasn't sure exactly what you meant by "acting out". Forgive me if I insulted you.I been pretty stressed out myself lately.When I get stressed,I look for escape,ie: shopping, eating,ect..ect...ect...! I know that" hole in the gut" feeling.Your not alone,Laurie.

[bikewench]

Hey Laurie...

Sexual undertones.. acting out... potty mouth... brusque behavior
I can relate to all...

I mean.. I like sex anyway... but...
It's when I start thinking about finding someone new to enjoy it with me that alerts me to the fact that I'm running from shyte in my head...

For myself... this is old behavior... from a time when I felt like I had some control in my life... (lolol.. as if).. and when I didn't give a f*ck..

Not a big stretch to want to go back there when I get bored with being good.. or.. shyte is piling up inspite of my best efforts at making things right...

But.. like you say... some of this stuff is rooted pretty deep...


Personally... today... I think a healthy sexuality is very healthy.. ;o).. if it can be kept in the right zone..

Now.. being a hard ass is another issue... ;o)

[splendra]

Are you peri-menopausal? I think the wanting to act out maybe hormonal.

You could be ovulating like crazy which can be a symptom of peri-menopause.It is a time that multiple births happen even when they don't run in families.

[CarolD]

Time to get your son in his room and your husband in yours.

Might improve your negative outlook.

Just the opinion of an old sexy broad.

[bikerprincess]

Thats what I was thinking Carol!!

[michski]

I wouldn't read too much into the sexual undertones stuff... I grew up in a joking family and my Dad was always throwing in some kind of inappopriate trying to be funny comment.. It's a habit I still have myself... using sexual content inappropriately.

My sponsor absolutely hates it that I use the F word when I'm excited and or angry. It's a bad habit I'm still trying to f*&king deal with but so far have not had a lot of f^$king success!

[bikewench]

It's a bad habit I'm still trying to f*&king deal with but so far have not had a lot of f^$king success!

....lol....

kindred swearer..

[namommy]

Thanks Ladies,
I can identify with everything that you all said here.

I agree that having a healthy sex life is absolutely normal. It's when the 'fetish' and 'strange' sex starts popping into my mind that I worry. When I am obsessively thinking about it. I really need to get my son back in his own bed.

I've got one of the worst mouths I've ever heard. I don't type it here as much as I say it when I am talking.

I had someone from he meetings approach me once and in a very pompous toned (I couldn't stand this guy) say: "Laurie,... Profanity does not equal recovery"

I replied: "F*** you!" and walked away.

Oh God, I'm making myself nuts.

Sorry, I need to say this. I went on "Ask the experts" and I posted my problem. I don't think he got it anywhere near right. What he posted does not describe me or the problem I posted about.

I also read a reply to another post that I disagreed with his answer. I'm like sitting very judgemental about the 'experts' now.

[bikewench]

I'm like sitting very judgemental about the 'experts' now.

Yeah...
I decided long time ago to be my own expert...

As to your reply to Mr. Pompous.... I'd of done the same thing...
I've had people share in meetings how they deplore the blue language that sometimes gets spouted... and I do try to be judicious about when I unleash my sewer mouth... but.. sometimes the only way to express myself is to let fly...

As to the weird and kinky thoughts...
as a sex addict.. that is how I mood alter...
I love the state of horniness..
I love men....


sigh..

Well.. as long as we don't act on it.. eh.. ;o)

[Evanna]

Pah, experts! I am not too sure on experts. There are very few people that i allow entry into my life because i cant stand people getting it all wrong. I am not very forgiving like that. I am very controlling and in all honesty rather picky. Hence the people that i allow in are carefully chosen and rarely irritate my sensibilities.

But you know something Laurie the very aspect of yourself that you describe as a character defect is probably one of the things that makes other women look to you as a role model. I know that you sponsor a lot. Those sponsees chose you for a reason. You have something they want and i promise you that's not based solely on clean time. I dont see you as a hard-ass because it is obvious to me that you care about a lot of people very much. What i see when i read your posts is a confident, take-charge and feisty lady. That is something i aspire to in my own recovery. Undoubtably when the way we relate is interfering with our important relationships then we need to be looking at that as you are now. But dont throw the baby out with the bath water.

As for the fetishism and sex stuff.....i go through phases when i seek out all sorts of weird stuff on the internet. The stuff of my fantasies is pretty heavy duty. I am not sure what that is about but i suspect it is both somehow rooted in my past history and a means of escaping more day-to-day stresses and dissatisfactions. I can also be quite verbally crude sometimes. My hubby is a little prudish so i feel like i am the one with too much damned testoterone.

[namommy]

You are all such awesome women. Thank you.

I just told hubby I would only be a second. (yeah right) I'll have to come back on and post more later.