Family Issues!

[51anna]

My son is getting married in early Sept and has invited his Grandpa and his wife (hubby's Dad and step-mom) to come. They have refused and my son is hurt and I am hurt and angry and trying to get over it.

Granted they would have to travel by air, but money isn't an issue and they have a long list of excuses as to why they won't come. Of course it boils down to this - Step-mom is insecure and jealous of our side of the family and has exerted great influence over Grandpa, who is quite weak. So, what she says, goes.

I keep trying to accept this and pray for them and realize they are missing out on something special. This is the first grandchild to get married. However, it doesn't stick and I have to keep going through this because my anger and hurt keep returning.

Also, we have to visit them in July and see them in person. I decided long ago while getting sober that I would no longer spend any time with people who were negative and toxic to me. I had done that all my life and had to put an end to it. But, in this case I feel like I HAVE to see hubby's Dad. I like him, he's just annoyingly, sadly weak. But, I don't want to let my anger about this issue color my feelings towards him permanently. But, I don't think I can stand to be in the same room with step-mom. This is only one in a string of problems we've had with her. And, unfortunately they come as a pair, all the time. I've brought it up with hubby and all he wants to do is 'make nice' and get through it. I don't want to make nice. Wow, I'm sounding like a selfish brat, aren't I!!

Does anyone have any brilliant ideas as to what I should do?

[Paulie]

Brillant ideas....ummm, no. But keep praying for her. You are right Gramps is the one losing here and that is sad. But, we teach people how to treat us. He has taught his wife how to treat him and there is nothing you can do about that.

I cannot stand my MIL's BF, he is an acitve alcohalic and addict (but she says since it is prescribed it is okay). I love her, she is the poster woman for codpendency. When we are with them at there house I stay in the opposite room as him. When it is a holiday, I sit at the opposit end of the table. he doesn't speak english, so it is easier and being a man it is easier. Her being the woman of the house must make it harder for you.

I don't know Anna, keep praying and asking your HP to take care of this for you.

Don't let her steal your joy, she isn't worth it. Stay focused on your son and the wedding and the beautiful memories you will all be making.

If you get the chance during the visit maybe explain to gramps how much his not coming to the wedding hurts your son. But, do it for you, without any expectations of him changing his mind.

Ohh a wedding...you know I love those

[51anna]

Thanks Paulie! You make me smile!

Actually two weddings - son in September and daughter next June!!! Ask me anything about photographers, invitations, dresses - I'm up on all the latest. Just don't ask me for money!!!

Love, Anna

[Paulie]

LOL - I just got married last August remember? I am up on all that too, I love it. I would love to be a wedding consultant!!!!

HOW FUN - 2 weddings. That is what you need to focus on, the joy of those 2 weddings.

I want to hear details....flowers, indoor/outdoor...colors. I just love this stuff.

Share details!!!!!!

[51anna]

Eleven years ago son was 17, acting a bit weirder than usual, and told me he was going to Danny's house to a party, gave me the address and ph no and was off. Turned out Danny was Dani and the rest is history. He proposed to her on the 10th anniversary of their meeting. They are getting married outside in a beautiful park, overlooking a river, at sunset. It is going to be SO beautiful. I truly love her and also my daughter's fiancee, and I am so blessed to have both my children find someone they really love. For once, I am embracing all the joy I feel about both these weddings, not hiding in the dark, afraid it will all fall apart. I am out there dancing in the light and loving every minute.

Love, Anna

[Paulie]

WOW, that is aweome. I am a sap for a love story like that.

And what a gift that you sober to share this with your children!!!

[namommy]

Anna,

Congrats on 2 weddings. They sound like they are going to be great.

As far as the wife of grandpa, pray for her. No words of wisdom, or clever tricks to share, just pray. You can't change either one of them.

I do like Paulie's idea of talking to him alone when you go to visit. Just tell him how hurt your son is over this. It may not make a difference, but at least you get a chance to get your feelings out.

Wish both of you kids and their fiances the best for me.

(I have a wedding coming up next July, if my daughter stops argueing with him long enough to make the plans).lol

[51anna]

Thanks Laurie! Wow, a July wedding! We really might have to take Paulie up on her wish to be a Wedding Planner. We could have our own SR Wedding Planner!.

Love, Anna

[Chy]

Congratulations to you Anna! How wonderful. Now don't let the resentments of the older generation ruin it.... let go. I go through the same thing anytime we have a family event. My husbands mother and step dad and his dad and step mom have huge bitterness towards each other. I extend the invitation to both parties everytime and one or both usually don't show because "the other" is there. I can't change that, I have no control over childish behavior from some very "holy" "christian" senior citizens. After their refusal to attend our 25th anniversary I have decided I will no longer experience the anguish of them refusing by simply not inviting them anymore to anything. I hope before they pass they'll realize the loss in their lives of not being part of this family. It's very sad, I'm sorry your son is hurt, but this is about him and his new wife to be and he as well as you celebrate in full force with or without them. They will miss a beautiful day of family celebrations but that is their loss. Again, congratulations!

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Thanks Laurie! Wow, a July wedding! We really might have to take Paulie up on her wish to be a Wedding Planner. We could have our own SR Wedding Planner!.

Love, Anna

Sounds great to me!!!

[51anna]

Thanks Chy!

I think you made a wise, but sad, choice by deciding to not invite your husband's parents and step-parents to anything anymore. Clearly if you continue to invite them and be turned down, you have to do something and I think you did the right thing.

It is so amazing to me that the older generation can be so self-involved and stubborn that they will miss out on joyous events. If I am lucky enough to be alive when my grandchildren get married or when my kids celebrate their 25th anniversary, I can't think of anything that could keep me away. I would be there with bells on!

Love, Anna

[Dawn10]

Anna,
It will be small sadness that grandpa can't come, but one thing I have learned in working with those in their senior years. They are very set in their ways and their comfort level changes over the years. What they would have jumped at to do 15 even 10 years ago, causes them much stress and anxiety.
Not sure that is the reason your step mom-in law is putting the kabosh on the trip, but it could be a reason of many.
At any rate, you are right to not let it steal your joy of the wedding. It will be so much fun. My best friend is getting married in 4 weeks and it has been a blast helping her plan it. It is a small second wedding and relatively low stress.
Enjoy ! :e03c

[Free to love]

Originally Posted by 51anna

It is so amazing to me that the older generation can be so self-involved and stubborn that they will miss out on joyous events.

Yes, self-involved, self-righteousness & pride rob people of the joys of life.
In the end your son may hold some resentment, but he will deal with that in time. Letting go of yours will be a good example to him. I understand resentment & bitterness, it ran my life for many years. I was a nasty person (not ot mention, I became an addict). when I "let go & let God". I had much joy, and still do.

Enjoy the weddings. Don't let toxic people suck the joy form you. When you visit them, smile & nod alot. That's what I do. Then I go home & bitch to my hubby about what jerks they are. It doesn't solve anything , but I fell better.
Good luck !!!!