I'm back

[nyyfan]

I'm back.

The first time I got out of control and dh caught me - I swore I didn't have a problem. I wasn't ready to admit that I couldn't control my drinking. I was doing the AA, therpist, message board, thing to satisfy my dh.

Well, I did great for a while. But then slowly I'd start one day a week. I was convinced I could "control" my drinking - that I didn't have a problem.

I hit bottom on Sat night. I knew dh wouldn't let me have a few drinks at the wedding and I wanted to have FUN. So, I pounded some vodka at my parent's house when we were getting dressed. Hadn't eaten all day. He knew what was going on the second we got in the car and I couldn't talk.

I didn't make it to the wedding.

I'm actually really glad this happened. I can't do this myself. I've realized it. I need help and I need people to talk to.

Weird thing is that I can go a whole week without drinking - just resisting temptation. But then I go and buy a bottle of wine. Then I'll feel like crap the next day and SWEAR I'll never do it again. Another few days or maybe even a week and then it's all I think about. I knew I can't do the 'controlled drinking' thing but just couldn't stop.

I think the first time dh realized I had a problem he was scared. So, he was yelling at me and trying the 'tough love' thing. Now I think he realizes that it's a problem - and yelling at me is not going to do anything but make me hide it. So, he's agreed to go to counseling with me if the therapist thinks that is what I need.

We're are planning on trying for another baby in August. I HAVE to be sober by then. I HAVE to work past this. I HATE it - I've never felt so powerless over something. It's SO not me.

I'm not looking for answers. I just needed to come back and admit that I have a problem. Thanks for listening.

[Paulie]

Hey nyyfan -

Good to see you back. Well I am sorry that you went through that, but I am glad it helped you see that you need help. Some dont' make it back.

So what now? what are you gonna do different this time? It isn't about your dh, it is about you.

For me it all starts with learning to let go of the stuff I have carried with me for years, let go of the guilt, shame, hatred...whatever it is that holds me back from connecting with my spirit. Connecting with the part of me that wants to be loved and accepted.

Give your self a break, give yourself a chance. We are all here together doing the same thing, trying to stay sober just one day at a time.

Glad you are back.

[ButterflyChaser]

good to see you! That is the 1st step ..admitting, which is hard to do! sometimes we really gotta hit a HARD bottom to see the light! I'm glad you seen the light!

[nyyfan]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I'm seeing my therapist this afternoon. I'm sure he'll say that he saw this coming. I was playing it off way too cooly. Just didn't want to talk about it.

When I look back now, I know I've had problems with alcohol in the past. But I wasn't as far down the road as I am now. I was able to quit on sheer will. I've realized that this time I can't - that I need help.

I guess I should be asking you guys this - what should I do? I'm a big believer in reading and the power of motivational books and things. I also need to figure out how I'm going to make it one day at a time. Like I said before, I know I can go a week and maybe two. But this little devil inside my head will pop up one morning and it's ALL I can think about.

I have literally never felt so powerless - and it scares the wits out of me.

[Paulie]

Fear can be a good motivator. How about AA, getting a sponsor, working the steps. Read the Big Book. SR is ahuge part of my recovery, but for me face to face support is also really needed.

Admitting powerlessness really isn't a bad thing, it is kinda freeing when you think about it.

I am glad you are back.

[51anna]

Hi nyyfan,

Welcome, I went through the routine of trying to stop drinking for my husband because it was what he wanted. Of course, it didn't work because my heart wasn't in it. It's hard to do and you need to do it for yourself. Use the fear to get you started!

Love, Anna

[Roxann]

Welcome back

[nyyfan]

This time it's for me. I don't even enjoy the drinking anymore. I get paranoid when I'm drinking. Then I feel like crap the next day. I feel completely out of control. I feel completely disconnected from my husband.

The problem with AA is that I don't really buy into the whole 'god' and 'spirituality' thing. I'm a non-practicing catholic. But you know, I might as well give it another chance. You guys are right, I was doing it for my husband last time - not me.

My therapist recommended outpatient treatment. I'm starting tomorrow. 3 meetings a week, one session with him and my dh each week and I'm going on medication.

I really enjoyed the Wednesday meetings last time. All women. I'm going back Wed night. I have to find 2 other meetings that I like.