Can you see me?

[Rowan]

Hello everyone

It amazes me that I can give advice to others with regards to recovery, relationships, etc.

Clancy's post on relapse motivated me to take off my mask for a little while and share the truth. It doesn't matter who reads this. I need to get this out. Last weekend, I swallowed a whole bunch of pills in response to an argument I had with my bf. Sleeping pills, muscle relaxants etc. Then I left in my car. He called the police (did I mention I work for the police?) very embarrassing. Before taking the pills I was struggling to remain calm and in control, despite what was being said to me. I literally felt possessed. I could only shriek and immediately suicide came to mind.

No I didn't take enough to kill myself and I knew that. I am ashamed of myself for such theatrics. It has been a while since anything like this has happened. A couple of years, at least. And it scared me. It scared me that something like suicidal ideation could just come screaming into my head as fast and furious as it did.

While under the influence of the pills, I liked it. I liked the thick tongue, the slow speech, the blurred vision, the out of body experience. But no, I don't want to do it again, I don't want to drink, but I don't want to feel this way. I have a new sponsor and she has been really great. But I can't expect anyone to carry me through this, the real legwork is up to me. I have some faith in God and that he loves me, but it's not yet enough to sustain me.

I feel like I create these problems for myself. I feel responsible whenever there is a problem in a relationship. I feel I feel I feel. Why must I let my emotions rule my behaviour? Why can't I have more self control? And yet, I feel like this tiger is just pawing to get out of me - and I don't know how to let it out in a healthy appropriate manner, validating myself and my feelings, without shaming myself for feeling the way that I do.

A part of me believes that retrospectively I will look back at this period of my life and thank God that I got through it, and that I NEEDED to go through it, to learn the lesson if for nothing else.

Even amongst my loving friends I feel so desperately alone right now, and I can't apologize anymore for who I am and how I feel. I'm lonely and I'm scared and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. Like my signature says, 'this is the way God made me' so I better stop fighting, tie a knot in my rope, and hang on.

Thanks for listening.

Love Rowan

[2dayzmuse]

(((Rowan)))

You're never alone. It may feel that way at times, but you aren't. You will get through this and learn from it. Stay in touch with your sponsor and don't lose sight of where you want and need to be. Within time, you will get there.

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by Rowan

I am ashamed of myself for such theatrics.

Hi Rowan,

I know so well the kind of shame you are talking about, but there is no shame, and there are no theatrics, in what you did. You acted out of your pain, fear and desperation and those are real feelings, and those feelings have no shame. I have been at the place you describe more times than I lilke to remember. And in those times, the feelings are so painful when I'm experiencing them, I feel I have no more resources to cope with them, all I can think about is stopping the pain.

It took me a long time to realize that my tendency toward suicidal ideation, even though I knew that I would never follow through on the act once I became a mother, was in and of itself legitimate pain. It's not 'faking it', it's not theatrics, it's not manipulation. It simpy hurts. I simply hurt that much. And I simply feel that desperate.

Once I began to acknowledge the pain of the ideation, rather than beating myself up for it, I began to be able to start really addressing why I felt that. Where the feelings came from. As long as I was ashamed of the feelings, I had to hide them, and I couldn't look at them honestly and compassionately. I couldn't give myself the very compassion that is most needed when I feel that way.

These feelings recently came back when it became clear my recent relationship was ending. But this time I handled it differently. After a terrible night, I reached out, to my sister and my friends. I was able to say, "I am having terrible thoughts about suicide. But don't panic. I will not act on it. But it still hurts so much and I need your help." And so I have started to take care of myself so much better. And at the same time I am working hard in therapy and in other ways to do the work that I believe will eventually mean I won't reach that same place of desperation again.

Originally Posted by Rowan

I feel like I create these problems for myself. I feel responsible whenever there is a problem in a relationship. I feel I feel I feel. Why must I let my emotions rule my behaviour? Why can't I have more self control?

You could be talking for me in the discovery that my partner was ending the relationship. My feelings felt out of control, I felt I had 'done it again', brought this upon myself, I felt I had behaved in embarrassingly desperate ways to turn back the clock and I couldn't stop myself, and I felt responsible for the turn of events, which just isn't so.

My guess is you're not responsible either whenever there is a problem in a relationship, as you say. But the feeling that you are responsible is real, and emotionally debilitating, and most likely stems from a long time ago, from your very early experiences as a child. That feeling of responsibility is a hallmark characteristic of adult children and co-dependency and I'm finding the only way to get free from it is to go back and do that work of 'original pain'.

Originally Posted by Rowan

But I can't expect anyone to carry me through this, the real legwork is up to me.

In this, you are very right. The real legwork can only be done by ourselves, when we are ready. It's like when we reach bottom in an addiction and say no more, so we reach bottom in feeling our feelings and emotions are out of control, are unmanageable, and so we say we are ready to do the hard work of going back.

Originally Posted by Rowan

I feel like this tiger is just pawing to get out of me - and I don't know how to let it out in a healthy appropriate manner, validating myself and my feelings, without shaming myself for feeling the way that I do.

The ony way I am able to get it out now in a healthy way is by 1) giving myself permission to feel these feelings without shame, to see the connection between how I feel now and my early abandonment, emotional abuse and neglect, and acknowledge that it makes complete sense that the feelings are there 2) go to ACA meetings, my therapy, write it out, talk the feelings out with friends and my sister, and wail and grieve and rage in a safe place.

Originally Posted by Rowan

I can't apologize anymore for who I am and how I feel. I'm lonely and I'm scared and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

It seems like this is a great place to start from and sounds like you have the beginning of legitimzing your pain. Maybe you can build on that to take the next steps.

hang in there,
gf

[In memory of miracle]

Hi Rowan,
Its good to hear fro you! Consider yourself hugged.It was scarey to learn how to talk without booze or drugs in me.Sounds like you have learned valuable lessons about honesty and are on the way to becoming yourself.I have that "tiger" inside me also, its my disease not wanting me to get well.Sometimes I fall back into old behaviors before I can make room for new ones. Hold on to that "bit" of faith. All will be well.
Bless, Trish

[Rowan]

How validating to read your responses. Thank you muse, gf and Trish. I am so grateful that I found this site when I did. It's so wonderful to talk to people who have been there and who understand.
GF, when you were talking about relationships and how you felt you had 'done it again', I immediately said 'that's me!'. And what you had to say about ACA and codependency fits too. I haven't been willing to go back into my childhood to examine what happened and why I am the way that I am. I know that when I was in treatment, the facilitators put on a movie about alcoholism, and it centred around a family in the 70's. Little girl, and little boy, parents. I have little or no memory of my childhood, but in this girl I saw me, and the pain that caused me is and was difficult to comprehend. Also, my parents are in my life today, but we are not 'close' if you know what I mean. When they heard I was in counselling (the first time) and then in AA, my Dad would snarl and say 'oh are you going to tell somebody what a terrible childhood you had and how mean your Mom and Dad were?' and I was so ashamed so I said no and I stopped doing work in that area. I am quick to defend my parents and say that they did the best that they could, because that's what I need to believe. What I would like to do, is to do some family of origin work. Not in order to blame my parents, but to get some answers. This is really holding me back and I can feel it.
In my meditation book this morning it emphasized the importance of giving, and not getting, love. It talked about sacrifice, and putting others first. And I think, can I do that without disappearing? If I do that in my current relationship, I will lose me. And I don't want to lose me just as I am discovering who I am.
Wow. I don't know where all that came from.
Even in here, on a bloody message board, as anonymous as you can get, I was careful about what I posted because I didn't want to be judged, and I wanted everyone to like me. For heavens sake that is ridiculous.
Thanks again for listening.

[Anna]

Hi Rowan,

I certainly admire your honesty and desire to look within. I am in the process of doing that because I have never delved deeply enough.

I have found this website to be incredibly useful in that journey. It is a series of easily read articles by Robert Burney, a recovery alcoholic.

http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/Sitemap.htm

Love, Anna

[shestruggles]

Oh, Rowan:
I cried like a baby reading your experience and your reaction to what happened. I know that desperation and rage, fueled by pain so bad - so bad - it seems like the only sensible thing to to is to end it, make it go away.
And the aftermath: struggling with the shame, hating yourself imposing yet another 'episode' on those around you.
GF had some wonderful advice and thoughts. Giving ourselves permission to feel the way we do, and to talk it out, which you have started to do by posting here. You said you have struggled with depression and addiction and you need to remember that when you wonder WHY things got so bad. You have to work harder tahn everybody else just to get through the day. You obviously have brilliant coping skills and such strength to have faced those obstacles in your life, to do what you can to keep them under control. But you are not perfect.
I know that for me, each time I breakdown and then get up again, I get up stronger and know myself a little better. You seem to be back on your feet, and that's what counts. I am so sorry to know that you have been suffering, but I am glad you shared your story.
Much Love: SS

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by Rowan

It's so wonderful to talk to people who have been there and who understand.

I so agree. My friends and sister have been absolutely wonderful in offering their support to me, but there's something very different in the kind of insight and info I've gotten here and on the ACA forum, from people who speak 'recovery' and have been through some of the very same things.

Originally Posted by Rowan

I am quick to defend my parents and say that they did the best that they could, because that's what I need to believe.

There can be more than one truth. Yes, it can be true that your parents did the best they could. But it can also be true that doing the best they could caused a lot of damage and wounding to heal from.

Originally Posted by Rowan

What I would like to do, is to do some family of origin work. Not in order to blame my parents, but to get some answers. This is really holding me back and I can feel it.

I don't think it's about blaming. I think it's about going back and processing the feelings we experienced when so young, which are the template for all of our feelings and patterns of behavior as adults. Some may choose to eventually address things with their parents, confront them, others may choose never to.

[QUOTE=Rowan]

Originally Posted by Rowan

In my meditation book this morning it emphasized the importance of giving, and not getting, love. It talked about sacrifice, and putting others first. And I think, can I do that without disappearing? If I do that in my current relationship, I will lose me. And I don't want to lose me just as I am discovering who I am.

Wow Rowan. My kneejerk reaction is to throw that book away -- and that your confusion is entirely understandable. To me, sacrifice equals victimhood and self-harm. Perhaps a better word is compromise -- and if we choose to compromise at times out of a conscious choice for those we love, then that is a different thing. And even with compromise, we have to learn balance and understand where compromising becomes a loss or devaluing of ourselves. (ie healthy limits and boundaries). Here's what the online dictionary has to say about sacrifice:

1. a.The act of offering something to a deity in propitiation or homage, especially the ritual slaughter of an animal or a person.
b.A victim offered in this way.

2. a. Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim.
b. Something so forfeited.

3. a. Relinquishment of something at less than its presumed value.
b. Something so relinquished.

4. A loss so sustained.

Doesn't sound like a recipe for healthy relating to me.

The last thing adult children and co-dependents need is simple advice on how virtuous it is to put others first. We need positive affirmations and to learn how to love ourselves and take care of ourselves. Robert Burney (who Anna mentioned) has a page on his site on positive affirmations and I agree with Anna -- his site is a wealth of info on all this. As far as affirmations go, I have a couple of books and one I really like is from a series is by Sue Patton Thoele's written solely for women.

best
gf

[Rowan]

To Anna and GF
First - Robert Burney. I have spent some time perusing his site and plan to look at some more of his work - what I read made sense.
GF - sacrifice - my God - when you look at it that way, it doesn't look very healthy at all, does it? That's what's hard - reading something, feeling something uncomfortable, yet not trusting myself enough to go with the feeling. I automatically believe what is written over my own feelings.
I have 3 meditation books; one by Melody Beattie, another by Karen Casey (for women) and AA Daily Reflections. I believe it was the Karen Casey book that mentioned the sacrifice. Go figure!!
Anyway - I feel better today - well enough that I went to the gym for a light workout. But the TRUE source of my lifted emotions is because I got a new beagle puppy today! An 8 month old beagle named Isabella 'Bella' I am in love with this sweetheart - I have wanted to do this for years but fear held me back .. I love her so much already.
Thanks ladies for all you have done for me.. your love and support, combined with Bella, have served to provide much contentment and serenity.
Love Rowan

[GettingFree]

Rowan,

Congratulations on Bella! There is something about dog energy that is so healing. I have a chocolate lab, and adore her. And she's my ever-ready reason to get outside and be in nature, even if I'm feeling blah. And that almost always makes me feel better.

best!
gf