Relationships

[GettingFree]

Last night I visited with my neighbour and drank tea and talked. In the last few years, she's been through a lot -- her husband died of cancer almost 3 years ago at age 36, and now she has developed breast cancer. She's had a mastectomy, she's been through chemo (lost all her hair, etc) and now she's begun radiation. And she has two children, 8 and 10.

And as we talked openly about what both of us are going through now, I asked her if she ever sees herself in another relationship. And she spoke about how right now, in many ways, she feels that she's better off not in a relationship going through this. It sounds odd at first, because most of us would think it would be far worse to go through this alone. But she spoke about not needing to be concerned about another person's responses and issues to her illness, about having the privacy and independence to take care of herself in the ways that make sense, about not having the worries about being attractive and desirable as her body is transformed through all the treatment she's undergone. And also, in thinking about her children, she doesn't think she'd consider another relationship until her children are much older -- that they've been through so much and just need stability.

She went on to say that her husband was her best friend, but now that he's gone, she has several 'best' friends. Different friends that serve different purposes. If she needs help with one thing, she'll call this friend, if she wants to go and just have a lunch out, she'll call another. And she said she's had to learn to be very direct about her needs.

What struck me in all of this is how I have lived my life in a succession of relationships. I have never been alone for terribly long. The longest was after the end of my first marriage: 10 months before I began seeing my second husband.

Now, I am alone again. And the loss of this relationship feels so huge because I thought I had learned enough through my earlier relationships that I finally had chosen to be with a man who I loved in all the right ways and truly could spend the rest of my life with. But the story didn't turn out that way.

And now I am facing the reality of being alone, and looking at my friend's contentment with her alone state, and I marvel. I feel envious. I have always needed to be attached it seems. And that need has compromised my judgment terribly and brought me heaps of chaos and pain.

I want to learn how me, alone, is enough. How a life filled with my work (which is about 5 or 6 out of 10 on the interest scale for me at this particular time), my children, my friends, my dog, and whatever interests I have, is enough. That I don't need the enmeshment with a partner to feel my life is good and whole. (Forget the fact that with my trust so wounded now, the idea of ever opening up to another person and trusting again as I did this time, terrifies me.)

I don't want to live my life through a lens of half-full. I want me to be enough, just as enough as an us. I want to feel grounded and content, just on my own. In me.

One day a a time.

gf

[Paulie]

I don't want to live my life through a lens of half-full. I want me to be enough, just as enough as an us. I want to feel grounded and content, just on my own. In me.

That is a wonderful insight.

I was told by a wise wise man once to just let my HP put the right person in my life when He was ready. Keep taking care of you, the trust will come back when the right person is there.

And WOW my hat is off to your friend. I wish comfort for her during this time in her life.

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by Paulie

That is a wonderful insight.

Thanks for your support Paulie. Now the challenge is matching my heart to the insights in my mind, to the goals my minds sets.

Right now, I am in angry mode, but at least I'm not directing the anger at me as I did in the beginning. Of course, there is lots of pain as well -- it seems I alternate between anger and gut-wrenching pain and sadness. But I am not keeping it inside. Getting the rage -- and grief -- out is exactly what I need to do.

On my drive home from work today, I had cranked LOUD in the car Train in Vain by the Clash. It was a great release. Oh yeah. I'm gonna rage and wail all I want!

thanks again
gf

[Rowan]

Isn't it amazing?

We feel these emotions, we think we are all alone with them, and that no one will understand. Then we go to an AA meeting. Or log in here. And see a post like yours,
GF, and feel that I could have written it myself.

Thank you for sharing. You helped me.

Love Rowan