feeling resentful and selfish

[clancy!]

Oh boy do i have the dog. My partners daughter split up with her boyfriend 3 weeks ago...so you she has moved back in with us again.Into my yoga room! I am so pissed off.But I have to be nice and welcomming of course, it would be unthinkable to be any other way.

The trouble is that room was SO important to me. It was a big part of my personal program. I would go there every morning and evening to meditate and do my practise. And in any emergencies too. It was my place. Now she has moved back in and my room is off limits to me..instead its full of her and her crisises. Its a horrible jumble,she always lives in a tip, and its full of her and her mates,screeching wailing and playing loud music, drinking and worst smoking cigarettes. I really hate cigarette smoke,but she has to do it somewhere i suppose,i dont allow it any where else.

The poor girl has gone thru a trauma and I just have to be magnanimous,but im so resentful inside its awful. My practise is fundamental to my life,health and sobriety....its my NA,my HP. I NEED to do it. I have no where else in the house at all, its jammed with all her bloody stuff.

Listen to me huh? spoiled western fanny! I know i was spoiled. But her comming back is hard for me....we have little enough money,room etc. She is a nice woman really, (she is 25) but jealous clancy is all eaten up and resentful. I just dont know what to do with myself without my practise...it just kept me sane and sober. my weekly class isnt enough and it below freezing outside! Sorry about my pity party,I know im a selfish cow.had to vent!!

[splendra]

(((clancy))))


I am sorry that you are in this situation. Is it possible to sit her down and ask how long is she going to need to stay? Or, what is she going to do about her own future? Could she at least go outside to smoke? I mean everybody knows it is bad for your health. It sounds like some boundry violations are going on in your house and you have a right to know how long someone intends to take up your space.

In the mean time go ahead and vent that is what this place is for.....

[Rowan]

Hi Clancy
Boy, do I feel for you. What does your partner say, or do you keep your feelings to yourself? And yes of course you want to be welcoming, but as Splendra said, you need some boundaries. If you can't have your yoga/meditation room right now, then it would be nice if you didn't have to put up with the noise and cigarette smoke. I guess the best way would be to tell her; if you don't, how is she to know? If she is the nice lady that you say she is, I'm sure she will be understanding of your needs and be willing to meet you halfway. What's the worst she can do? Say no? I don't know about you, but I find it very hard to ask for things for myself. I feel selfish for asking the other person to not smoke/keep it down etc for fear they get angry at me.
Are there any yoga or meditation classes that are nearby as a temporary solution? I know money is tight, so maybe that isn't an option. Do you have any friends in recovery who live nearby and might be interested in doing yoga together? Not the same, I know, but just a safe and quiet place you can go when you absolutely need to. And yes! Find out how long she plans on staying! Maybe if you know it's only short-term, it will be easier to put up with. God Bless.
Love, Rowan

[2stop]

((((((((((((ClaNCY))))))))))))

Dearest Clancy....I can relate to what you write!! I have taken in sooo many people, and meant good and well from my heart, truly wanted to help them....but many times they would use me or overstep boundaries...be rude...or as you say, just get into MY space(how dare they! I am helping THEM!) I would feel resentful and angry and hurt and upset..and then turn right around and feel tremendous guilt for even thinking such horrid things. You're not bad for feeling this way...you are trying to live in peace and contenment and youir personal space that provides some relief is being occupied. Maybe ask HER to join you in doing yoga in there? I don't know the size, but maybe you two could do it together?? Maybe that wouldn't work, I don't know.. Positive thoughts coming your way. hang in there girl..it will all work out.

((((((((((((((Big Hugs)))))))))))))

[clancy!]

Hi guys and thanks for the support. Its very hard to speak with her...she is a highly strung lass at the best of times but right now she is strung tighter than a violin.It very difficult to speak with my partner over this as his kids are EVERYTHING to him,they can do no wrong...he habours a bunch of guilt for walking out on his wife and kids sixteen years ago, and wont even raise his voice to them...anything they want,he just runs.I guess i can understand, its just hard sometimes. She will be with us for the foreseeable future....she couldnt afford to rent,its only cause her BF had a good wage that she was able to rent a flat before.

Its just that id gotten nto a way of managing my cravings for my doc that worked for me...yoga just helped me control my mind a nd burn up excess energy, i had a routine around it. There is no room in there to practise now...there is hardly room to live for her really,she just had so much stuff. Oh dear.

Sad to say i dont really have many mates now...i cut off all my druggy mates and its hard to replace them,i just dont go out any more...dont have the money really.Im struggling to get my photography business going but its very hard in the early days, as with all businesses.
Im just starting to really struggle with the cravings again...i get that awful,bored 'gap' feeling in the evenings...this has knocked me off my feet a bit again.Im not a NA girl, just not my thing really. Ill be okay i guess,come the spring when i can practise in the park. These things are sent to try us i guess. thanks for all your love and support.xx

[splendra]

((((Clancy))))

You know you always have us!!

[Paulie]

Maybe you could treat her as a friend, there you could have one more friend.

I have a friend and her 1 year old staying with me right now. It is hard, but opening my home and my heart to someone in need is huge for me. I am the selfish all about me kinda addict. I work alone from my home all day, this is my space. Talke about being invaded, how about a 13 month old in your home all the sudden.

Clancy, use this as an opportunity to reach out and help someone in need. I would say something about smoking in the house, if that is not something that you do than she should respect that. But sometimes giving up our space to help someone else, really helps us more than them.

And as I type this I have a 13 month old sleeping on my lap cause his mom had to go do her taxes before she leaves the country next week.

Giving helps our spirit Clancy.

[Rowan]

Thanks for the new perspective, Paulie. I think you've got something there.

Rowan

[jazpoppy]

Clanc~

Sorry to hear about the hell you are going through. I would feel the same way if my space was invaded. Also sorry I haven't written to you in a while. I am on my way through a long tiresome journey right now. I will PM you sometime soon and tell you about it. Hang in there!!!

JAZ

[clancy!]

Oh Paulie, you could sound less smug!

Im sure what you are doing is good for your generous spirit, and the right thing for you now with your years of recovery under your belt, but for me in early recovery I need my program more than I need spiritual brownie points. Imagine how you would have felt if you, at the same stage of recovery had to give up going to NA. Its the same thing for me, this is how I stay sober and I am struggling without the means to practise.I know it sounds selfish about my room but my sobriety is not a luxury...that space was the very thing that was keeping me sober and sane.I will be fine, and dont intend to use or anything, im sure things will work out....but I could do without you wagging your finger and saying 'Giving helps our spirit Clancy'! Not helpful!

[Paulie]

Well sorry Clancy, I didn't mean to sound smug and I wasn't wagging my finger at you. I will refrain from offering an opinion that is not what you want to hear.

I can tell you something, I wanted recovery, for me it was recovery or die. If NA had been taken away from me I would have found another way. I would have stood in the middle of the frigign freeway naked if that is how someone told me I would stay clean.

I am not looking for spiritual brownie points Clancy. What I am looking for is to fill a spiritual need in myself and I get some of that from helping others in their time of need. That is ME clancy not you.

I am sorry if I offened you with my opinion, which is what it is Clancy an opinion from now on if my opinion doesn't cosign what you are feeling I just won't respond. We've known each other awhile now Clancy, we don't always agree but we never insult each other.

One more thing, again my opinion. Being opened minded helped me stay clean in early recovery and it still does today.

[clancy!]

I value your opinion paulie, you have much wisdom to offer.
However what is right for you at this time is not necessarily right for me,we are at very different stages of our journeys.Im glad you are getting a lot out of opening your home right now,thats great but you are right,its about YOU.Thats not right for me now, but I will cope!
Im not really offended by what you said, it just wasnt all that helpful! I know its good to give!
I certainly didnt mean to insult you by saying I found your reply rather smug, thats not how I find you,just what you said.Perhaps if you read it through again, you might see what I mean. And yes Im sure if NA had been taken away you would have found another way, but it would have hurt you badly in the meantime no? I was trying to let you know how this feels to me, and I know your program was the most important thing to you then,as it perhaps still is.

Anyhow, I will always be interested in what you have to say whether we agree or not.

I just felt that I needed to say how I felt about what you said is all, I felt that you had kind of tidied me and my situation away briskly with the coment 'Giving helps our spirit clancy' as if that would be news to me, and I were not a giving person. I felt I owed to myself to respond to that.I think carefully about what I say, and really dont mean to offend, as im sure you dont.

I know we look at the world in pretty different ways but I do respect your ES and H, and you yourself.

love and respect Paulie xx

[GettingFree]

(stepping in carefully)

From the outside, it looks like Clancy may have felt her feelings were invalidated. Paulie, although it's clear you had honerable motives, wanting to help Clancy find a solution to quiet the seething inside, perhaps she heard "You shouldn't feel angry. You should feel...." And then, feeling stung, Clancy has her version of 'should' too.

When we hear invalidation of our feelings -- or 'should' statements -- we feel shame. We feel we're wrong for feeling what we are. But a feeling can't be wrong. It's just a feeling. And we can't help what we're feeling. We can only help what we 'do' about a feeling.

It's pretty interesting if you start listening to how we all talk (I mean we as in society). You'll hear invalidation constantly.

Here's a list from a site on invalidation:

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently

Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop taking everything so personally

Ordering you to "look" differently

Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.

Denying Your Perception, Defending

But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.

Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You

I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....

Trying to Isolate You

You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

Minimizing Your Feelings

You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.

Using Reason

There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....

Debating

I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)

Judging & Labeling You

You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.

Turning Things Around

You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Trying to get you to question yourself

What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?

Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act

You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.

Defending The Other Person

Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.

Negating, Denial & Confusion

Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

Sarcasm and Mocking

Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

Laying Guilt Trips

Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

Philosophizing Or Clichés

Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

Talking about you when you can hear it

She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.

Showing Intolerance

This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.

[Paulie]

GF -

Thank you for that, and for stepping carefully LOL, that was cute.

I understanding feelings being invalidated. I learned in rehab for the first time in my life that I had a right to feel what I feel, whatever it is.
Thank you.

[Paulie]

Thank you Clancy. Honestly, I was not wagging my finger at you . When we read we cannot hear the persons voice, we dont' always get what is really being said.

And my sponsor reminds me very often how if feeds my spirit to give. I am a selfish all about me addict as I said, for me, I need to be reminded. but I guess I should remember that everyone else doesn't.

Thanks again Clancy.
XX right back at ya!

[clancy!]

Yes, sometimes the written word dosent read as the writer intended...its always read throught the filter of our own beliefs and so many other faktors.Guess thats a hazard of forums. Thanks for your take GF, yes I think you were right. love to all!