needing answers

[needybaby]

inside myself I am torn with conflicting emtions.I love Ed but aam very hurt aand angry with what he did to me.especially when I was so vulnerable.I want to just forget and forgive and live like it never happened.pretend it did not happen.but I cannot .I am still hurting and angry.part of me wants revenge .Which will it be.Maybe I deserved it for being ill,but Ed is ill also ,so how can he blame me.I have less stress now and am getting better ,stronger.Is Ed healthy for me or unhealthy for me.If I overlook this ,will he not just repeat it?I mean twice now he has said we were through,the first time I went to another man,and then he suddenly wanted me back.The second time he goes to a nineteen year old while I am in hospital.He puts me down for being ill and stressed out after my upbringing and raising five children on my own.working part time and nursing sick children by myself ,worrying by myself .Driving five children to hospital when one or two are sick cause nobody to be home with the others.Appointments arguments between the kids .Kids vying for my time and attention,demanding I take their side ,demanding I listen to their story first.helping with home work,counsel worry,teenage years,all this while I was ill and raised without being taught mysefworth or growing loved.No I was abussed but strived to raise them loved.I got in hurtful short term relationships.that is one bad thing I went through and not just me it affected my kids to see me abused and scared i would be hurT.Could Ed do all that and not get weak after,no he gets stressed out with only two of them.He does not even keep his apartment clean after himself let alone wash clothes for five kids three of them bed wetters.He does not cook for himself or very seldom ,let alone cook for five.He has hard time with his temper ,not hitting just feeling mad or talking mad.how would he handle the teenage years I went through on my own.How can he judge me.I know I was stupid and got in some abusive relationships,but i was never taught ,never went to school hardly ever ,never watched tv ,just worked worked worked and beat beat beat and tortured mind controlled and sexually aBUSED .HOW COULD I KNOW BETTER.i WAS SO VERY YOUNG ALSO ONLY 19 when I had my first three kids.But also I was starved for love so very very starved for loove and kept hoping and trying unsuccessfully to find it.But to forgive or not to.should I expect Ed to understand .He expects me to understand him and his past and his illnesses aand problems and I do AND i FEEL COMPASSION.i LOVE Ed,I want to forgive him ,but I also want to get even cause I hurt and I am angry,but what would it solve or accomplissh longterm.Maybe I should walk away for good ,this sseems to be a pattern of his.he did it to his last girlfriend .will he do it to me again?But I love him so so much.sos so deep.

needybaby,

Tell us a little about your illness. What is your diagnosis? Your profile states a mental illness and you also state that you were ritually abused.

You seem to be very capable and intelligent. Do you or Ed have a substance abuse issue? It is hard to offer advice without all of the details.

If you are strong enough to leave this relationship if it's abusive then I would suggest it. If your not strong enough emotionally then there are things you can do to strengthen yourself so that you can.

Your focus seems to be on Ed and not on your own recovery. Those of us who are in recovery try to keep our focus on our own recovery. The more we focus on ourselves the stronger we become and then life gets better.

Hugs,

MG

[Terryb39]

NEEDYBABY,
You said you crashed and ended up in the hospital. What did you crash from? I can tell you are really hurting, but you haven't mentioned recovery at all. You only talked about your failed relationship with your husband. And if my husband told me he had sex with a nineteen year old, our marraige would be history, no questions asked. It sounds like you need to stay away from this man, he is messing up your thinking. You don't think logical around him. And are you using while all this chaos is going on? You must think of your children first, and try to make a stable life for them. That is more important than any love you think you have for this man. Love cannot solve your problems. It sounds like he is having his cake, with icecream on the side, if you know what I mean. Get your life together and forget about this man.