Is this the right forum for me?

[rachel7546]

i drink - a lot! i've been on these boards before awhile ago under a different user name and failed miserably at sobriety. i've lately been noticing how much i am actually drinking and how once i start, i can't stop until i get so tired i have to go to bed. i can easily polish off a case of beer in two days. pathetic, isn't it!

family life is good, my marriage is good, i am back to college after 20 years and school is good, but i feel like i'm a mess. i guess i'm a functional drunk. the sad truth is, i like to drink, but i hate myself for drinking. i am a social person - drinking seems to fit in nicely with that aspect of me. what defines an alcoholic? i know i need help. i know i need to stop. "normal" people don't do things like this. "normal" people can have a glass of wine with dinner - not a whole bottle. "normal" people don't make up excuses to drink.

i've had my runs at sobriety - once made it 29 whole days! then gave it all up for a can of beer! what an idiot i am. other people notice how much i drink. it's embarrasing! i'm too scared and too embarrased to try an AA meeting, so thought i'd come here. post-Super Bowl hangover and all. the bad part is the hangovers aren't too bad anymore. i won't drink today, but what about tomorrow? what about this weekend? what about next month?

it's horrible and scary and i'm sorry to run on. i just don't know where else to go or what else to do. anonymity is my only hope at this point.

[Chy]

Hi Rachel and welcome back!
I sure could have written that post!

I had to find people like me in person, who I could lean on for support. AA is what has helped me, even after I too said I could never, ever go. Find something that works for you as most of us couldn't do it alone.

[Roxann]

Hi Rachel. You are in a good place. Everyone here is so supportive.
You've made a good start by admitting that you have a problem, now you have to figure out what to do about it.

I was scared and embarrassed before I went to my first NA meeting, but as soon as I walked in, everyone welcomed me, and I felt "at home". Now I don't know what I would do without the people that I've met there. They are so wonderful, and they are so understanding, non-judgmental and caring.

I hope you find the right way for you Rachel. Keep posting here, it's a good start.

[Paulie]

Welcome from me too.

You can do this. don't think about tomorrow, or next week, don't think past today. Just get through today with a drink, then worry about tomorrow when you wake up tomorrow.

I agree AA sounds like a good place for you to start. SR is a great place for friendship and support and there are people here who stay sober without going to AA it is not the only answer.

You need to find what works for you. We are here all doing the same thing as you, staying sober just for today.

Welcome Back.

[housecatt1]

Hi. I'm still struggling with trying to be sober (and trying to want to be sober). There's always an angel-devil conversation going on in my head... "drinking feels great"... "drinking will hurt your liver"... "you don't know that it's hurting you"... "you know it's probably hurting you"... "won't it taste great?"... "you'll be tired tomorrow"... "you can't give up drinking"... "you CAN give up drinking" ... "it's worth it"... "it's not worth it"... and on and on.

When I've had too much, I swear I'm not going to have any the next day, and often I won't, and the day after that no-drinking night I wake up feeling great.... and then I drink again.

I've only ever stopped for 4 days in a row in the last however-many years. I can go one day pretty well, two is a little more difficult.... and that's why I'm here looking for help. I feel that if I can get going for more days in a row, I can keep going. I'm not sure if that's the right attitude or not, but it's where I'm at "right now".

Today, I went to see my doctor about my weight problem. I'm going to start Weight Watchers. I think I need more "activities" to keep from wanting to drink. (I mostly drink at home in the evening while watching TV, which I find boring without a drink. Like you, I'm a "functional drunk" - if there even is such a thing. I function anyway. I'm a happy drunk. I don't miss work, I'm close with my kids, yadda yadda yadda.)

So, anyway, starting today, I'm going to look into some activities. Maybe I will go swimming at the local pool. It would fit the Weight Watchers thing..... now I'm just rambling on about myself. Sorry!

I wish you luck. I hope you find some motivation here. I know you will!

If you'd like to e-mail me any time, I'm at indoorcat4@yahoo.com.

Bye for now!

[51anna]

Hi Rachel,

I'd like to add my welcome and encourage you to find peace in your life. Addiction is a horrible thing to live with and I know you can do this. Hang around and get to know us.

Love, Anna

[Evanna]

Hey Rachel,
You are in the right place.
Warmest wishes
Evanna.

[rachel7546]

Thank you all for your kind, kind words. I woke up this morning clear headed after not drinking last night. woo hoo - one day! (sarcasm here). again, that demon in my head is saying something along the lines of - "well, there you are, you have given yourself one day and now it's time to celebrate". i hate that damn voice!

i get angry sometimes that people aren't like me. that there are those who can control their drinking. they don't have to get pi** a** drunk, they can have a few and be responsible. i have such easy triggers - sitting at the computer, cooking fajitas, wearing my fun denim overalls - sounds odd, but all of those things make me feel like they won't be as fun if i don't have a beer in my hand. i read another post on here about wanting life to not be boring. i, too, worry about that. how can i be the life of the party if i'm not partying?!

I am wondering, though, how do you get the courage to walk into a room full of strangers and admit your most personal secret at an AA meeting? i can't fathom sharing my problem with people i don't know. i can't even imagine being able to sit in that room without wanting to hide my head in shame.

sorry, just trying to get it all out. i pray regularly and read my bible. looking for answers and strength. i don't know what tomorrow will hold. i will keep your mantra in mind - i'm not going to drink today. i hope it helps! one day at a time, right!?

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by rachel7546

I am wondering, though, how do you get the courage to walk into a room full of strangers and admit your most personal secret at an AA meeting? i can't fathom sharing my problem with people i don't know. i can't even imagine being able to sit in that room without wanting to hide my head in shame.

You tell yourself that EVERYONE in that room has been right where you are at that very moment, walking into that room for the first time scared to death. You tell yourself that everyone in that room wants the same thing that you want, to not drink just for that day.

About life not being fun, Ihave way more fun in my life now sober. I don't even mean actitivities, I just mean not waking up hung over or for me wondering where I am gonna get my next bag of dope. Everything is better sober, even dealing with problems is better because you can see a beginning and end. Everything is not overwhelming. Not that I never get overwhelmed LOL, I do. but with a recovery program...things get put into prospective alot sooner.

Give yourself this gift.

And be proud of yourself for the 24 hours you have. Tell that voice in your head to go take walk.

[karenb]

I joined this group last sat. thats 12 days ago & I haven't had a drink since. I am also struggling with going to a group AA meeting. I haven't checked into meetings in my area yet. Does anyone not go to AA meetings & stay sober simply by using the online group. My work schedule is long & varies day to day. I'm a social worker & have to deal with disasters in my patients lives many of whom have severe alcohol problems. I am quite good at telling them what they have to do to get their life together & can be very insistant on what they need however often feel like a hipocrite as I haven't practiced what I preach. Are their any other social workers out there that can relate?
karenb