Furious!!

[clancy!]

God im SO ANGRY!!!

I have this supposed half sister, kim. She kame to the home I lived in when I was five or so,they said that she was my half sister. I have never really gotten on with her, and tended to avoid kontakt with her as an adult.However Im still very klose to my house mother, she is like a real mom to me in many ways.kim also keeps in regular kontakt with her, and its Ev (my house mom's) burning desire that we be friends.So I phoned ev tonight, and she(kim) was there, Ev wanted me to talk to her, I said no as I really dislike her and every time I speak to her it turns me over like NOTHING else. She is a skrewed up little b***h. Anyhow Ev put her on. I was talking to her ok for a while, she has a new job, anyway she twisted something I said and then started to akuse me of doing terrible things to her when we were kids.She often does this.She has so many tales of horrifik things I did to her, and she has been to loads of therapists and stuff,running up huge bills, she kant maintain a relationship for two minutes....and its all bekause of what I did to her when we were kids.Only I have no memory of these things.I know I didnt do anything bad to her, I may have teased her, but i wasnt evil,not as she makes out.However sometimes I really doubt myself, she gets to me SO deeply, at this very bottom of my soul.

And SHE always tries to tell me I am mad, krazy, just like her. Unfortunately,she knows about my addiktion problems and she LOVES that, apparently addiktion is not among her neuroses. I said that I was klean now, and she was like 'dont make me laugh,i kan hear you are high,totally twatted, you are a dozy junkie, always have been always will be' Then she went on like that til I slammed the phone down.

I know I shouldnt let her get to me.I KNOW that. But every time I speak with her she puts a worm in my heart.I try to think bak, to our hildhood,to rememeber if there is any truth in what she says...I think she really believes it all in some way...people remember things differently...but Oh, I just kannot tell you how she destroys me inside.It takes me days to kalm down after speaking to her...she is so hateful,so resentful.. The thing is she has done this to Ev too, akkusing her off allsorts of things,putting her through hell.
Ev is a great target being a kids home worker in the seventies,pure fodder for kim. But Ev forgives her time and time again, even though she has put her through hell.

Ev was nearby all the time, and kim was shouting all these akusations at me,telling me I was a hopeless junkie, and then saying Id been in prison (I dont even have a rekord, nothing,ever,EVER.Ive not even shoplifted in my entire life.I am an honest person) so she kould hear,well and truly. I dont want EV to know of my problems, Ive kept it from her so far...oh she probably knows,i dont know.

The thing is I feel so miserable now.I just keep thinking if there is anything in what she says,why she says it. Im so upset.I just annot stop feeling angry and upset.

[namommy]

((((((((clancy))))))))

Try not to let her get to you. I know this may not be what you want to hear right now, but I was taught to pray for the people who get under your skin the most. Maybe they won't change, but it could change the way YOU deal with them.

She sounds like a very miserable person, and we all know misery loves company. Let her be alone. Don't let her have free rent in your head.

I'll shoot up a prayer for you both.

[Roxann]

I'll say a prayer for you and yours also. I'm sorry that she's hurting you. Unfortunately, Laurie is right. Miserable people do tend to thrive on making others miserable. I hope you don't let her get ya down. ((HUGS))

[indigo]

hi Clancy,
yep all the above, stay clear of Kim and take care of you.

indie

[boop64132]

Prayers to you clancy.
I so know that feeling that comes with the "guilt" that others try to lay on us for no reason at all.
I would tell her that you may have not been the nicest to her as kids....but that she needs to grow up and get over it and act like an adult.

You are a wonderful person and you deserve respect as such!!!

[clancy!]

Thanks guys. I dont know why she gets to me so bad, nobody has the same effekt as her, when ive spoken to her i feel as if ive been bitten by a rattlesnake, the poison takes ages to disipate.I feel better now though. I havent spoken to Ev yet, I hope she hasnt done to muh damage. jeez,she makes me weary.

[Live]

I like what I heard JT say one time...you can call me names but it will be from the other side of the door. Allow no abuse. Hang up.

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

Allow no abuse. Hang up.

Hey Clancy,
What Live is saying is right on, yet is so hard for us codies. Check the list of boundaries from the other thread. They all apply here.

Learning to say no to Ev -- she may have an unrealistic wish for you to be friends and speak with Kim, but it doesn't mean you have to go along with it if you know doing so will be harmful to you. You did say no, and then your boundaries were completely ignored. That's when it gets even tougher, and you have to hold your ground.

Learning to disengage is a toughie too. It takes tons of practice. And it can be hardest with family. The hooks are into us from way back, and we keep repeating the same behaviour -- explaining, defending, correcting -- over and over, hoping this time we'll get through, this time they'll understand, this time they'll get it.

But that almost never happens. Instead we end up feeling beat up and like we were hit by a truck.

My family used to call me tenacious -- like a dog with a bone. I would never disengage. Could never end the argument, the dialogue, the discussion. I kept getting hooked, and rehooked. Hoping for a different outcome.

Thankfullly, I've started to get a bit wiser and make different decisions. I sometimes still falter, but now I can start to see my behaviour much more quickly, and then I can bail and say, "Nope, I'm not doing this to myself" and then disengage.

Sometimes we even have to make loving decisions for ourselves and cease communication completely with those who continue to be only toxic whenever there's contact. That's especially hard, and I'v'e known some who've had to do that in order to faciliate their recovery.

best,
gf

[dotcom]

hugs for you cleancy. that sucks. words can hurt a lot. i hope you dont let her get you too down!

[spirit]

hey clancy, i think you should talk to ev and let her know that this is the reason why you cannot be friends with kim, because of how she treats you, the things she says about you and the lies she tells.

given that ev has heard the things kim said, she must understand that you are not going to be prepared to accept such abuse.

ev should understand that such attacks are not appropriate whether you like the other person or not.

take care, look after yourself first, if eve cant accept that, then maybe you need to let her know that your relationship with her might need to change too. ev sounds like she is the enabler for kim, not you mate

regards
kath

[Patsyd1]

So I phoned ev tonight, and she(kim) was there, Ev wanted me to talk to her, I said no as I really dislike her and every time I speak to her it turns me over like NOTHING else. .........Anyhow Ev put her on.

Hi Clancy,

Clancy, I would suggest that the next time that Ev "ignores" what you say, when you have told her that you do not want to talk with Kim, then simply say "good bye" and hang up the phone.

I would suggest to say what you mean, mean what you say, and do not say it mean. I would also suggest to not use "looped communication" by talking with Ev, about why you do not want to talk with Kim. Ev doesn't have to understand why you do not want to talk with Kim..... YOU DO.

We teach others how to treat us, by how we treat ourselves.



Clancy, the only one responsible for putting your choices into action....is you hon. Its ok to follow through on your choices, with action. Thats called "taking care of YOU"

I will say a prayer for all of you hon.

[karenb]

The best thing to do is kindly & gently throw it back to her where it belongs because SHE is the one with the problem not you! Never raise your voice, speak softly & respond to her with phrases like "I sorry to hear YOU feel that way"- "I'm sorry if thats how YOU remember things it's so long ago that I don't remember all that!"- "I know I've had an addiction problem in the past but I have done something about it & I feel good about myself now & I just can't live in the past I'm sorry YOU feel you have to. I have found moving on is just so much easier for me & it might work for YOU if YOU give it a chance." - "YOU sound very upset & angry maybe when can talk another time when YOU are feeling better about YOURSELF!' then just hang up. Speaking softly deflates the entire purpose of the call in the first place. You say 'I'm sorry" but you never say your sorry about anything you may have done in or not done in the past, your simply offering validation of how SHE feels which is another reason for the call as she's desperatly trying to find someone to blame for HER problems & she's learned from past experience that she can always count on you to get upset which provides HER with relief & you with doubt & anger. She also knows moms there & can only hear your side of the conversation so she's now doubting who's the real problem & you are right she knows. I'm a social service director in a facility in seattle & most days I'm nothing but the ref who trys to keep the fight down to a small roar & then try to figure who the bitches and/bastered are & who's the scapegoat. Trust me you are the scapegoat!! The past 2 weeks has been a living nightmare, I had families wait outside my office for their turn to fight. I've done 14 ugly fights the past 2 weeks & I've been at this facility 14 years & needless to say thats what started my drinking. I't takes all I've got not to leap over my desk & take out the trouble makers. I often think I'm the one who's crazy for coming back day after day & I've often wished I had a gun in my desk drawer which would end the fight quickly. Hope this helps, please feel free to ask me for whatever I can help you with."May the force be with you!!"
karen