ARGH, husband vent

[Roxann]

I am sitting here wondering why I ever married this man. He is so friggin judgemental and holier than thou sometimes. Why can't he just be supportive of me? In any aspect of my life, I can't count on him. He "pretends to listen" when I have a problem and need to talk, and then he blows off whatever I've said and tells me all of his problems. He has this overwhelming urge to make everything about him. I am soooo sick of this!! He wonders why I never want to have sex anymore. Why would I want to have sex with someone who belittles me, ignores me and treats me like I don't matter, and in the next breath he's humping my leg.

Okay, needed to vent.

[Paulie]

When I call my sponsor with a vent she says 'so what are you going to do for you today?'.

I am sorry for the way you are treated. I truly believe that I am responsbile for treating myself with respect, yes I deserve respect from everyone in my life, but it has to come from me first.

Do something good for yourself today.

And by all means, vent away when you need to cause keeping it inside is not good for our spirits.

[Roxann]

Thank you Paulie. actually I did just do something just for me. I went to the bookstore and bought a new recovery book for myself. I bought "Keep it Simple Daily Meditations for 12 step beginnnings and renewel" by Hazelden meditations. I really love to read.

Oh, and I saw a funny bumper sticker that had me ROTFLMAO. It said, "People like you are the reason people like me need medication." All I could think of was, my husband needs that on a friggen shirt!!!!

[Roxann]

Why do I continuously let him hurt me? I just finished an hour of crying because he screamed at me, and threw money at me when I asked if he minded if I went to get a haircut!! He screams, go do whatever the hell you want I'm finished with it?

Why?!?!? I have no clue, now he won't even talk to me. Can't wait until later when he's horny and he pretends like nothing happened. *rolling my eyes*

Yes I did go, and yes I did get my haircut and ya know what? He can kiss my butt and hope that I speak to him again sometime soon. I am not wavering this time, I deserve an apology and I refuse to ask for one. He is a huge baby, and I'm not giving in, or pretending that everything is okay anymore.

I am sick, I didn't ask to be an addict, or bipolar, yet he seems to blame me and my disease(s) for everything that goes wrong in "his" life. It is not nor has it ever been "our" life, it's his and mine. He is singlehandedly the most selfish person I have ever met.

Sorry, blowing off steam so my head won't pop off. ((HUGS))

[Anna]

Hi Roxann,

Your first sentence is 'Why do I continuously let him hurt me'? This leaped out at me because I used to be the same. The key word is 'let' - you allow yourself to be hurt by your husband. I used to do the same thing. My self-esteem was so low I felt I deserved to be treated badly. I now choose to NOT let myself be hurt by things people say to me. It is a choice and it's a significant one for me, because it used to send me back to drinking so often. I'm not saying it's foolproof, but at least now I know that I have control over how I feel.

The other thing I understand is that your husband doesn't understand your diseases. I'm alcoholic and have depression and my family doesn't understand much about those things either. It's hard for people to understand addiction and mental illness. You just need to try to keep moving forward and take care of yourself.

Love, Anna

[Roxann]

Thank you Anna. Rereading it, that sentence just leap out.

[namommy]

One thing I have learned, He's a MAN, you can't expect much.

I had to learn that women and men just don't think alike, or react to situations alike. My sponsor calls them 'Cement Heads'. They are thick. A line from a song comes to mind. "And the wise men don't know what it's like to be thick...as a brick...."

Like anna said, take care of yourself. I tell my sponsees who are looking to get into relationships or those who are already in one. They have to learn how to live on their own even if there is someone there with them. It is hard to put it to proper words when typing it. You need to become independent in the relationship, not depend upon the other person.

Somedays they are going to get under your skin really bad, and we are going to react. that's OK. Other days we are able to just brush them off like water off a ducks a$$. that's OK too.

[Roxann]

I swear, he is a complete and total idiot. now we aren't talking at all, which actually at this moment suits me just fine. I am tired of his "I'm always right" attitude, esp since 98% of the time he isn't.

Okay, I am asking my HP to help me in this situation.

[namommy]

Treat them like aliens, you can't understand them, so just 'Smile and Nod, Smile and Nod'

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by PASteelerfan

Okay, I am asking my HP to help me in this situation.

there you go! I too usually wait until I am broken down to ask my HP for help. Ask, everyday, 10 times a day for guidance in this situation.

And remember we teach people how to treat us. When we start getting healthy and realizing that the way they have been treating us is wrong we suddenly expect them to stop. It doesn't work that way. Keep the focus on you and your recovery.

And one last thing. When you are talking to your HP, pray for your husband. Pray that he finds peace within himself.

[ButterflyChaser]

(((((((((((((((((Roxann)))))))))))))) I'm beginging to think that ALOT of men are like that...that's just MEN!
But I feel your pain, i really do! Hope things get better for you!

I Loooove your dancing banna! (the one by your name, very cute!!!!)

[Roxann]

Originally Posted by namommy

Treat them like aliens, you can't understand them, so just 'Smile and Nod, Smile and Nod'

OMG this had me rollin!!!

I find myself looking at him right now smiling and nodding!!!!

butterflychaser, that is one of the smilies here and I love it!!! to post it post a : and then banandan and you get It sums up how I dance pretty well lol.

Paulie, you are so right. I will pray for him, he might be a butthead, but he's my butthead. I think we'll be having a long serious talk this weekend about this and how it's afftecting me.

Thanks ladies for listening!!

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by PASteelerfan

I think we'll be having a long serious talk this weekend about this and how it's afftecting me.

I just had a discussion with my sponsor about this kinda thing the other day. For me when I want to have a serious talk about how something is affecting me I have to remember to not have expectations about how the person is gonna receive what I say. I have to speak my piece for me to let go of it with no expectations that it is gonna be resolved. but if the other person 'gets it' that is a bonus.

[greenmeadow]

Hi Roxanne,
I went back and read your opening post here.... sounds like there are some serious issues with the husband... anyone who screams and tosses money at a wife then stops talking as punishment has some attitude problems to say nothing about showing complete lack of respect. Definitely you need to think about what is good for you and as for the relationship if this type of behavoiour from him is an ongoing thing it might be a good idea to see a therapist about why you put up with it. I don't mean to be harsh but he sounds like he has some serious issues.
Be kind to yourself today...
Greenmeadow

[Evanna]

Yeah, i am with Greenmeadow. This isnt acceptable behaviour. I dont know what to suggest though other than some kind of relationship counselling. Either for yourself or as a couple. Might help you set boundaries or work out were you want to go with this.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

[Roxann]

Mike definately has some attitude issues, he is the baby of the family, and a complete and total Mama's boy. Of course his mother and I don't get along, so that causes a lot of grief in our marriage. He generally acts like a child. If we disagree, 90% of the time, he calls mommy.

If anyone really wants to know why we got married, the answer is Ricky. I don't think I would have married him if I wasn't pregnant. But now, I'm stubborn and determined to make it work, ( I have no idea why) and also the longer we're married the more it bugs Big Mamma Satan (my little nickname for his mom)

[Anna]

Hmmm Roxann, does the word 'love' fit in there anywhere? One of the reasons you're staying together is to bug your mother-in-law? I know marriages go through ups and downs (I've been married 31 years) and it's not always easy, but I believe that a marriage needs a strong foundation of love and respect. I hope that you and your husband can find that.

Love, Anna

[Roxann]

Anna, I honestly don't know if I love him anymore. I did once upon a time, and now it seems all I feel is resentment and anger towards him. It's very sad.

[namommy]

I just went through this with a sponsee. She is also early in recovery. Don't make any rash decisions until you've done some work on yourself, and step-work WITH A SPONSOR. Sometimes, our love for others get buried so deep under the wreckage of our active addiction that it takes some time to dig through our own crap to uncover it again. If it truly is not there anymore, you will discover that as well. Work on yourself, see if you are projecting some of the anger you are feeling toward yourself and this disease onto your husband.

My sponsee wouldn't listen to this advice, and she made a rash decision, in a moment of anger, and now her entire world has been turned upside down. Her life has now become much more difficult than it needed to be. Take this time now to work on YOU first, then figure out where the relationship fits in.

Unless of course there is physical abuse going on, which I didn't detect that from your posts.

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by PASteelerfan

But now, I'm stubborn and determined to make it work, ( I have no idea why)

Hi Roxanne,
I can also be very stubborn and tenacious. Those qualities have gotten me far but on the other hand, many times they've been part of a destructive pattern. I found that often underneath my stubborness or fierce determination was a lot of fear.

Fear was the main driving component to being a perfectionist, to a need to be right, to not give up, to make things work -- often long past the point it was healthy for me. And that includes relationships. Staying in a toxic marriage was out of fear -- a fear of being alone, a fear of my dreams not working out, a fear of not being a good mother (by the disruption to their lives), a fear that I myself had f***ed up once again. I don't at all see it like that now, but I did then.

Of course, as namommy says, no one wants to make a reactive decision without looking at things carefully. But neither does one want to remain in a chronically unhealthy situation that undermines your self-worth and your right to be treated with respect, compassion and kindness.

It's those qualities now that are for me the bedrock of a healthy relationship -- love of course as Anna says is vital. But it's surprising how many times I used the word love (and hear it used by others) and those qualities of respect, compassion and kindness are in short supply.

gf

[Roxann]

Great advice. I'm sure that Mike isn't as bad as I think he is right now, and he does have some good qualities. I am just so tired and confused about everything.


I asked him last night if he would be willing to enter relationship counseling, and he said he would think about it. I expected an outright no, so I guess it's encouraging.

Maybe I should think about his good points. He is a great dad. He works really hard at 2 jobs to suppoort us. He gives really good back rubs. :heart:
He laughs at my corny jokes.

[namommy]

When we look for the good points, they usually outnumber the bad. Focus on those things for a while. I just read one of the short stories in 'Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul' about a woman who was trying to let go of her anger toward her husband, and it reminded me of you. She made a decision to go to counseling, and to focus on the good instead of the bad and it worked.