Abuse - Physical & Emotional

[Paulie]

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...make-stop.html

Tactics used by Abusive People -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=47269

Are you emotionally abused? -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=47355

Understanding family violence including its relationship to alcohol -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=47775

Practical Tips -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=49096

Tips on Leaving an abusive relationship -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=50620

[Live]

In Yahoo News mental health section:

16% of women in abusive relationships develop anxiety.
A high percentage contemplate suicide, higher than norm.

These are the effects to you of staying in this situation.
What does it do to your children?

[now2001]

i have been in two abusive relationships,ihave scars both on my skin but also mental. only after i joined A.A. did i want to become a woman who could do for my self. although im not a rich person as far as money goes,im rich in sobriety and fellowship. im buying my own home i am learning computer, some day maybe ill learn to drive. IM 54 years old and sober for 3 years, i had a relaps for 5 days 3 years ago or id have 6 years sober.the group i was in prayed for me and i know thats what helped me to come back. for any one that needs help finding your self the answer is out there if you look. thank you now2001

[ruby]

Hi I wanted to tell you I have been there I really don't want to bug you but I written a book about this it's called Memories of An addict's child you can find it at www.barnsandnoble.com or you can go to www.authorhouse.com click on book store and type author Marlisha Skaggs or memeories of an addict's child , I am a survivor of abuse in all ways and I wrote the book so others can heal threw my words and strenth, I thank you for your time please feel free to tell friends to order the book .again thank you

[TheGirlInside]

Thanks SO MUCH PAULIE!!! I could hug you lots (and I likes my hugs!)...in a purely platonic, heterosexual way.

I figure that for a while, if someone asks me out after I leave, my line will be "I'm a non-practicing lesbian." Do you think that'll work?

I copied pasted these onto word, and printed them off...I keep my "abuse" and "leaving" stuff in a folder mixed in with my work stuff under my desk.

[upanddownjj]

Thank you so much for posting this...I grew up in a home where I was emotionally abused and "held Hostage" by my alcoholic mother. I have been sober for 7 yrs and diagnosed as Bi-Polar...the emotional scars and pain are so deep that even with a strong Spiritual Program I know that these wounds are still deeply buried..My Sponsor pointed out to me when I was severely depressed that I would become suicidal a few hours after a telephone call (good or bad) fm her.. She suggested that I cut off all communication for 6 months...IT WORKED..I started to feel better..Just one example
Anyway - I'm trying to remember the name of the book that told me that it is easier to recover from physical or sexual abuse than emotional abuse..(Not that it is "easy" - but - you can see the physiucal actions that are wrong...when it is words only it is very easy to minimize..even as I type this at 50 yrs of age - I still feel guilty acknowledging it....Anyone else identify ???

[Live]

Yep, sure do! Welcome to SR.....I'd like to invite you to begin a new post to introduce yourself.
live

[GettingFree]

Hi Up&down,

Just two sessions ago, my therapist told me that what I suffered growing up is what sometimes is referred to as "dripping tap trauma" -- in other words, emotional trauma that is inflicted repeatedly over and over during an extended period as opposed to a single distinct traumatic event. And yes, just as you're comparing emotional trauma to physical, so this protracted form of trauma is harder to recover from than the other.

So, yes-- I indentify hugely. And it, too, took me a long time to see just how much damage was done and how it shaped my life, my choices, my path.

And as live suggested -- why not start a post below and let us get to know you?

best,
gf

[upanddownjj]

Thank you for your supportive replies...Oh - where do I start...I really haven't been able to start on any therapy for the deep stuff..I had to get my emotions under control..Finally found a great phsychiatrist who minimized meds, but still can't get my rapid cycling under control, but I have grown up a lot !! I have a very strong AA Program which suffers (spiritually) whenever I get depressed..Thank God I don't go Really manic - just workaholism or hyperness...I found a wonderful therapist who said I had such severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that she didn't want to dig yet - just teach me coping mechanisms...but I can't afford to go right now...
I have myself in a pickle..My ex-fiance had a severe stroke 3 yrs ago and I lived with him for the 1st 2 yrs until I almost cracked up..he got self sufficient enough to live alone and I moved out - when caring for him I can't work (selling real-estate)..I detached really well and then his health took a turn for the worse again and I got hooked again..He lost his speach in the stroke and I am the only one who can understand him and do all his medical advocacy..He has a sister that doesn't help at all..She nursed her husband to death with ALS - so I guess I understand...Anyway - this is not a sob story - my pickle is that because I can't work - he has been supporting me and the debt is accumulating and my health is deteriorating and I know I have to walk away...I know God will take care of him - But I don't want to abandon him...
oh - so much typing..I'll stop here for now

[upanddownjj]

Do you attend any 12th Step groups ?? I did go to Codependants Anon - definately qualify, but found that people there were not very serious, maybe just not the right group

[RBC1074]

I just found this board and it is very intersting that on 7/24/06 as you were posting these posts I loaded my kids dogs and a few belongings in my mini van and left and havent looked back since.After being verbally and emotionally abused by my EX which he still cant get over how all of this happended and that I threw 11 years out the window. I have never felt sooo free or sooo much alive as I do now.

[o2bserene]

Hello to all:

I'm new to this site ... Sober for 22 months now, no drugs no alcohol. Single mom with 4 kids. Left an emotionally and physically abusive relationship of 14 years 5 years ago, but landed in a psych ward for trying to kill myself while detoxing from Xanax, Vicodin and Alcohol. Have been sober since, it is amazing what that bottom did for me ... My higher power must have had other plans for me!

I'm not sure what ya'll want to know, but I did want to introduce myself. I found some interesting topics here and hope to get more involved.

Thanks for being there,
o2bserene

[carolyn77]

I have been in verbally abusive, not phsyical. I let myself get to the point of exhaustion. I wasn't a good mother. It wasn't until I told him that I wanted a divorce that I felt happy. I was getting to the point where I got mad at him where I threw a phone. He was a very controlling man. After I had my daughter, I got pregnant again, he wanted me to get an abortion, he even had his friend call me and tell me that it was okay to have an abortion. He walked out on a Friday night, told me that he didn't like me. He was going to stay gone. After he left, I bursted out and cried. I remember saying God, maybe it's best that I don't have this baby. I ended up having a miscarriage. I can see now that it was the best thing that happened.
Just thought I would share this. To get it out.

[newlifenow]

Like many of you who posted in this thread, I, too, was a lifetime victim of emotional abuse by my dad. As sad as it is, I was only recently freed of his control over my life when he passed away in January. While his death saddened me (and still does), I think what disappoints me the most is that I feel like I am and will forever be a diminished person. I began to abuse alcohol about four years ago to cope with the stress imposed by both his constant criticism and a stressful career in sales, and I'm incredibly disappointed that I treated myself in this way. Today is my first day sober following a three day binge, and I'm going through all of the physical and emotional side symptoms. Does everyone remember how awful those feelings are?

[Anna]

Welcome and yes, I do.

I was verbally/mentally abused by my mother and the pain never leaves. I allowed alcohol to take over my life because I didn't care about myself, because I believed what I was told. You can begin to let go of the pain and to learn to love yourself.

Keep reading and posting.

[BigSis]

Welcome newlifenow... I like your screen name - shows determination and commitment.

My abuse was physical and emotional and I unfortunately sought the same from my relationships with men. My husband and I have healed much of this together, though we both tend to cycle back on occassion to that controlling sort of behavior.

There is a better way, and I am glad to see you are seeking it out.

(((hugs)))

[Jewellls]

I am a bit confused - what if some of the characteristics of the abuser apply, but he/she is also a fantastic person? Sorry, correction: I am VERY confused :p having always been the troublemaker and black sheep of the family, I dont have that much "credit"..people never forget I guess, even though I have been in recovery for over 7 years.

I am in the midst of a separation (signing papers tomorrow...oh my GOD) and I cant tell if all the "bad things" are in my head because there is an overwhelming amount of "good stuff"...but really i cant stomach the fact that i could be solely responsible for the downfall of my marriage??? And then he says he wants to separate so we can go back to having no "obligations to each other" like when we first met and THEN we will have a healthy relatioship... WTF????? how on earth can i have my dreams crushed and then "date" this man like we had never been married???

Then I get further confused because I am accustomed to this crappy, pervasive guilt...and also because the same damn thing happens in my family and only now I see it - for years and years I was the problem and mom/dad/brother the shining examples of perfection...after years in recovery I see a spark of truth behind the illusion : that my mother is alcoholic/workaholic; my father distant and emotionless and my brother fled home asap as did I....

So where is the truth? what am i supposed to feel about my portion of blame? I have been in TRULY abusive relationships before - physical abuse death threats and allllllllll that; i really thought this was different and maybe I AM to blame for not knowing how to identify/hold on to something good?

pfffff this post is all over the place...sry and thanks for providing a place for me to through my doubts out there...undoubtedly Ill be posting more elsewhere on the forum cause I really have a hard time actually verbalizing all this..

Thanks again and serenity to all of you ladies

[BigSis]

Hi Jewellls...

What I know is that I had to get divorced to get clarity. It wasn't me who initiated the divorce... I think my fear of failure would have kept me in that abusive situation until death. Thank God my husband was healthier (in that way) than me.

We divorced and stayed apart for several months. Then he got into an intensive anger management program and invited me to join him. I did and we attended weekly for three years. He made incredible changes and we remarried.

But he didn't have the desire to attend or apply the counseling we had already sought out while we were still together. It took losing his family, and realizing he could never recreate that with another person to motivate HIM to get help.

Today, I know that our divorce was necessary to save our relationship.

We can't know the future, only the now. I hope you can at least find a way to get clear for a bit... to find some peace so you can think. A break from a relationship does not have to mean forever.

((hugs))

[came2believe]

Hi, I usually post on the Alcoholism board, but wanted to say hello here. I have been sober close to 18 months. I am coming to the painful realization that I am enmeshed in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I was living in denial but I can't look away any more. I am scared. This relationship is what is keeping me from being truly happy joyous and free. Scared to stay, scared to go. I'm getting info about how to make a plan to get out. I have wanted out since I can remember. Scared, scared, scared. There are kids involved and he has threatened I will never get custody since I am bipolar (successfully medicated for 4 years) and alcoholic (in recovery). Threatens I will never make it alone, he will hire the meanest lawyer and get everything. Says I am "crazy" and no judge would let kids live w/me. I signed a prenup as a very young, very dumb , very addicted young woman who was afraid she would be abandoned and it says I can not ever get alimony. He can be nice but also can be evil, evil, evil.

13 years of marriage....

My poor kids. I am seeing now the painful truth that they are traumatized by him too. And, he has an ex wife who is supposedly "crazy" - - hmmmm - - - but he got the kids from her.......

Anyway I had to get that out. Every time I speak it aloud I am a little less alone,
Love,
C2B

[Anna]

Hi came2believe,

I'm glad you posted here. It's surprising how different things in your life can look once you've been sober for awhile.

I can sure understand being afraid to leave and being afraid to stay. It sounds like you've made a good decision and are getting a plan in order and that's great.

Please try to get a good lawyer for yourself. A prenup signed 13 years ago, in the grips of addiction, may not be valid. And regardless or alminony, your husband will almost surely be expected to pay child support and to look after his children. Also, the fact that your bipolar disorder is under control and you are sober for 18 months is truly in your favor. If you can't afford a lawyer, try to find a place in your city that will offer free or inexpensive legal advice.

[GailJ]

Hi I'm Gail and I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It comes from Alcoholic father who sexually abused me a five years old, Emotionally negletfull mother who was manic depressive and didn't want a 6th child in the family, she forced me into intense religion for 7yrs to escape fathers alcoholism all the while I was repeated sexual abuse by neighbourhood boys age 9-11, 13. Never told anyone.
At 19 married into a severly emotionally abusive marriage and at the end physically abusive, A second long term relationship in which I was repeatedly abandoned for weeks at a time whilst he could cheet on me, My first round with sever post traumatic stress was at the end of that relationship.

Now I have a hubby with a good heart but only three years in my oldest son was accused in a pedophile case. (My father died around this time) (Two yrs later my mom died I took a PTSD relapse at that time as well) It took four years of court for them to get a three month conviction while knowing without doubt the father of the girl in the case was the real abuser, My son was the bait so to speak(I allowed my other two sons to relocate with their grandma and father in grandma's home 5hrs away for their protection)

At the same time as the one sons conviction, one of hubbies so called best friends molested me in my own home while hubby was on midnight shift. I told hubby and all our friends and it caused major problems between hubby and me and the way our friends viewed me., PTSD relapse #3 It took a while to kick the guy the hell off the property for good too(he would come onto the farm while hubby was working and he still drives by on a regular basis, and I got into heavy binging. I took the major relapse at that time and ended up losing my license drinking while on heavy meds, I had a panick attack and fled in the car, ended up blacking out behind the wheel and causing an accident(thank god no one was hurt).

We were then and still are in the middle of building our home ourselves without contractors still trying to cope and mend our troubled relationship. Then in the
last month I got a message my ex had abandoned my kids completely to go live on the other side of the country and left them with grandma with no support, I found out that my youngest son has just been diagnosed with crohn's disease at only sixteen and the meds are $200.00 a month. The straw that made me snap and binge the worst ever, I had to sign a paper excluding me from "ever" driving one of hubbies cars again or the insurance company was cancelling hubbies insurance home and auto permanently. Hubbies friends think I'm nuts and are alienating me, a lot of my family will not communicate with me despite efforts to reestablish communication.And now I am in relapse again Thats what brought me to having to reach out to making friends online. Also I know if I binge ever again I will never recover or have trust in my relationship with hubby again. This is a very short and condensed version but the best I can come up with to at least give you some insight as to what brought me to this point. Thanks for reading

[Live]

Hi Gail,
Sometimes I am behind on new posts. Okay most of the time.
Please begin a new thread introducing yourself and give yourself a chance to meet wonderful people with great compassion, wisdom, strength, experience and hope.
live

[Anna]

I think Gail introduced herself in Newcomers, Live and I know what you mean about keeping up with posts.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-drinking.html (Hi I'm ready to quit drinking)

[daisygirl1217]

Gosh this is a good thread......My abuse physical, emotional and sexual began when i was young and ended 6 yrs ago with my ex husband...I have been through the ringer with men, yet continuously i thrive for attention from the male species, even when i dont really like them....I hate what abuse has done to my mental state of being. For i knew just how smart strong and powerful i am, yet there are days, like today or this past month really (holidays) that it affects me so much....But every day it affects me....for i am now a creation of the abuse struggling to get out of all the negative thats been put in me due to the substantial abuse. I live alone, have 2 kids and have pretty much nil in the family dept. but i keep going keep trying to find ways to survive and be ok with being alone.....but right now I feel im a doormat and Im so tired of it.....Hoping tfinding this site today will lead me to where i know i belong.....In a place of peace and content with me and who I am....Till then I just really wish i felt more like i belonged in this world.....Im sooo sensitive to so many things that it makes me a hermit.....I hope to find some friends here that i can share my stories of pain and triumph with. For Im really really tired of being walked on....

[Anna]

Hi Daisy,

I think what you are talking about is getting validated from the outside, rather from within yourself. I, too was abused growing up and it is something that never goes away. When you least expect it, the feelings of helplessness pop up again. I will PM with a website that I found which really helps you to embrace yourself.