Abuse - Physical & Emotional

[BUTTERFLY-7]

Abuse what a complecated topic it is 4'r me I guess I just wen't on supressing every-vent of my abusive stage's of life I never like to talk about it cause since the age of 14,yrs. old I new to do one thing and got good at it run from my own demon's that one to hunt u went u list expected and I ran and hide it 4'r 22,yr's of my life on drug's& alcohol& partyin'g just so I won't feel or think stupid it was to think I could run from such scruchiating event I finally realice I wasn't runnin'g from my pass oh demon's I was running away from me right now where I'am at now in recovery I thank GOD 4r aloudwing me to come to that place of surrender&understanding cause when I'cant understand a certain task or event that had occur weather in the pass or present I could b my own worst enemmy I will rebel I see that's was so go about recovery it lets u see ur triger's&monsters before they come I was abuse by my boilogical mom verbally,physically,mentally,emotionally&to tpo it of not only her but her 20,000000million boy-friend's she had every week a different man&so u could Imagine what they did to me the think that shock me is they never hit me but I will ratter them hit me than to do what they did they malestsd me, then my aunt's uncle and the my mom gave me up I havent seen that beast of amom over 29,yr's of my existing life at time's I fight alot of anger surfece's up but thank GOD 4R SR I could just take it one-day at atime I don't have to run no more

[lostnspain]

I was abused growing up with the normal things, sexual, emotional abandment, I had to go to juvinal hall in LA because my step dad sexually abused me etc. These sites are good reading Thanks..
I need someone to talk to about this man i call my x but he he is still calling lieing and I want to believe he really wouldnt lie but I know he is..Why am I addicted to him..No one traats me as bad as he does and he says he loves me..its emotional abuse..I need help getting out of it..I read the history of others...I guess now Im rambling..can someone that has been through this talk to me and is the forum I should use?

[51anna]

Hi Lost,

I think there are lots of people here who have been through abusive situations.

This thread is actually as Sticky, so it's not really an active thread. You might be better off posting about it in the Women's forum which is a safe and secure place to talk. Or, you could also post in the Friends and Families forums, since you feel like you are addicted to your ex.

[tangerine13]

Hi everyone,

I can relate to all of you, I dont remember much of my childhood, the things I do remember makes me angry, embarrased, worthless, shameful, and a lot of other feelings! My sister and I were both sexually abused by a woman at a young age, and I believe I was abused by my grandfather. (I have little flashbacks of him touching me but thats it)

I started drinking to escape the pain. Here I am almost 30 years later, lost in a marriage with two kids, and havent stopped doing drugs. Some days I get up and feel good, and want recovery, and can do this on my own. Days like today, I feel like I need to go into inpatient treatment again. I am on many meds, weaning off all the addictive ones, but still using marijuana. I use it for pain, thats what I tell myself, I want to quit. I flushed what I had left the other day, but got more.

I have so many things I have never told anyone before, and I need to get all these secrets out. What am I so afraid of? I think its the shame, I have so much already and dont think I can take anymore. *tears* I need serious help. I thought I could do this on my own, I dont think I can.

I struggle to find some kind of self worth everyday, but its so hard to find. anway, My insurance only covers 30% of inpatient treatment, and around here, the rehabs are getting smaller by the day around here. Im going to make some calls today, and see what I can find. Im really happy I found Sr.

Tangerine13

[daffodil75]

So, glad I discovered the "women in recovery" part of this forum. I can definitely relate to most of the topics here.

I was seriously physically, emotionally, and sexually abused between the ages of 15 and 21 by my "high school sweetheart". Before then, I was always an A student, never touched drugs, alcohol, or cigs like many peers. I got away from him at age 21 after he tried to kill me. However, I didn't get away without some very bad habits in tow such as cocaine, meth, alcohol, and cigarettes. I dropped out of college and began making my living as an adult entertainer. Don't even want to mention the horrible things that led to. I've been using something or other since then and now 32 years old; well that was up until 2 days ago. I know that underlying causes of my addiction have to be dealt with, but just don't know if I can face it all. It's like I've been living on my own planet since then with my current husband as enabler; although a very sweet man.

[Butterflywoman]

I was abused by my husband. I go to LAA.

Love Addicts Anonymous - Home

[Butterflywoman]

My abuse was over 25 years ago. I have been in healthy relationships since I got sober in 1983.

[lizw]

What a topic!!

Not only have I been abused by people my whole life (family, boyfriends, strangers etc..) I have also dished it out as well, to boyfriends, family members, to my daughter etc....

Me and abuse go together like an old comfy blanket which I struggle to give up. If I am not being abused or abusing someone else, I am usually abusing myself.

Just over 6 months ago I ended up in SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) after the end of the most addictive relationship of my entire life. I won't go into details but it was pretty full on and since then I have learnt in my adult life, I have let a lot of people abuse me because I confuse love with abuse. I also confuse love with obession. And to top it all off I confuse love with control. I don;t actually know what love is, as I never expereinced it as a child, however I am learning how to love myself, my peers and my family. This is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with since I got sober.

Two books I'd recommend are 'Woman who love too much' and the other is 'Confusing love with obession.' Both have their merits. The later made me cringe a lot though, in that good/bad honest kinda way.

I'd love to say 'I am well now' cured from this 'thing' and that I'll never get involved with someone again who I will allow to abuse me, but that would be untrue. I hope I never get involved with someone like that again but what is the truth is I feel more of a worth while person than I have ever felt in my life.

There is always hope.

[nancyhtoday]

Hello Paulie ~

My name is Nancy and I am new to this forum. I was so glad and grateful to come across your posts and websites about physical and emotional abuse.

I write to thank you and offer my help in any way. A little over five years ago I left my ex-husband abruptly for safety reasons. My journey back to my wonderful life as it is today has been quite an awakening.

I now have a business of my own in personal development. And I fully intend to fund a home for women and childrens in transition.

I am grateful and it is my time to give back. Thanks so much.

Nancy

[MsTree]

My virgin post. 35 years in an abusive marriage. He moves out this weekend. First time in my whole life I will be alone. I lost all my really close friends over the last few years. I have no one to celebrate or mourn with me. I have "joined up" in the hopes of making some quick friends.

[Celebration1994]

Welcome MsTree....14 years ago I split with my husband of 25 years. He was verbally, mentally and physically abusive. When I left I went to an DV shelter 2 hours away. From there I went to a halfway house to learn how to stay clean and sober. I was very lonely and scared in the beginning, but as I slowly learned that I deserved to be treated with love, kindness and respect, I learned to make new friends, and interact with out that worthless fear I carried all those years. I finally have learned to have healthy boundaries, and people that do not respect them...I dismiss politely.

I will celebrate or mourn with you and we can be friends, if you would like
Blessings
Terry

[MsTree]

Yes, thank you. I haven't woken up in the middle of the night for a long time. But I did last night and was glad to see a friend had been thinking of me. I tried to reply then but was thwarted. I'd had a strange dream wake me up, and didn't want to be alone.

Oddly, I had dreamed that my morning glories had just burst into the fullest bloom but somebody had cut them all off at the root and they'd begun to die. I was angry and frustrated because I somehow knew it had been done in cruelty. This dream was odd for two reasons.

One was that many years ago, when I started Prosac for the first time I didn't have any hope it would help. But on the 30th day exactly I'd woken up and looked out the window, and upon seeing my morning glories in full bloom I'd rejoiced. It was the first happiness I'd felt in two years. I knew it was the Prosac because the morning glories had been in bloom for weeks already, but I'd not been able to "see" them until that morning. But the strangest part of the dream happened this morning.

My morning glories this year have actually been kind of pitiful and sad. But when I looked out the front window I saw that indeed they had burst into their fullest bloom over night. I didn't remember my dream at that moment. It wasn't until I went out on the deck and saw that the morning glory arbor in the side yard had been knocked down (I don't think it could have fallen by itself) with all the morning glories now in their fullest bloom all over the ground, that I remembered the dream. I am unable to set them up again by myself and have no one to help me. My husband is still in the house until tomorrow (as far as I know, he is unpredictable and likes to leave me guessing) but I will not ask him to help, because of the price I pay whenever I put myself in that position. And for all I know, he knocked them down in the first place.

Now THAT was a very strange thing to have happen!

[Celebration1994]

The beauty of the flowers bursting forth is the image to hold. All flowers will die, some to bloom again, others to be but a beautiful memory.

If there is a price to pay, by asking for help from him....don't ask. Abusers need to feel needed and then they feel we owe them for anything they "give" us. I would rather have the morning glories wither and die, than your spirit.

Praying for your safety and serenity...and may sweet and peaceful dreams be with you
Love and Blessings
Terry

[MsTree]

Thanks again, Terry. Just checking in before rushing off to a meeting. Yikes. Haven't tried/risked this in a couple months. Last one was a disaster. Supposed to be an abuse support group. When I finally got the nerve to open my mouth the therapist who was in charge (without knowing a single thing about me, including my name) cut me off and challenged me to say what I "really" meant! Saying what I really mean has never been a problem for me; I mean, I don't mind being honest. But it scared me to death. I could have stayed home and been treated like that, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I called a friend of a friend today to get advice about a lawyer and it just so happened that tonight is their once a month meeting. It's not for abuse, specifically. But still, it will be good for me not to be alone tonight. YOu know, the last night my husband is in the house and all that. Thanks for your encouraging words. It's good to hear somebody say I'm doing the right thing. For a change.

[MsTree]

Yipee. The meeting was really good. I wonder why? I've been to so many meetings. Nine out of ten times I walk in and feel out of place within five minutes. But I felt like I was in the right place the minute I opened the door. No reason in particular. In fact, nothing anyone said should have made me feel comfortable.

There were three couples, all divorced with his and her children and either married or engaged. It was all about blending families. I was the oldest one and the only one with no kids left at home. The only one not divorced yet. But I just felt so thankful to be with people. That's not been true for a long time either. Like I said, lately I just walk into every social situation and simply feel alien--- like I'm not quite fully human anymore or something. But in spite of all the things that should have made me feel alien, I didn't. Must have just been a case of being in the right place at the right time.

Told them I was about to be alone for the first time in my life and a little bit about my disgusting, nightmare of a life. They were very kind and supportive. Glad I went. THey only meet once a month. It sure was good to not be alone, that's all I know!

[Celebration1994]

I am so happy the meeting worked for you...So how was your first nite alone? Did you rest well? I prayed for you to have the comfort of sleep with out the fear. Sometimes for me, when things work out, it is because it's the only thing left to do...I know it is ups and down, but once I found balance, I started to feel more serene. AND I always try to remember, no matter how scared or lonely I am...I did this for me and it will take time....but so worth it.

I love being able to walk in my home without worrying about being careful to not upset him. I love being able to just be happy and not worry about him, trying to make me miserable......BUT the best is....walking in my house and not afraid,,,,just happy to be home
Blessings my friend
Terry

[MsTree]

I look forward to the day when I can just walk in the door and be happy to be home. Right now there are too many mixed feelings. I tried to come home last night and convince myself that that was how I felt. I did things like leave my bedroom door open and walked around dressed immodestly. I put things anywhere I wanted to put them, and talked as loudly as wanted to the dog, and didn't worry about whether or not she barked. I tried to tell myself that all that freedom was going to be wonderful.

But the minute I went to bed it hit me that my husband of 35 years is simply gone. And that the person I once believed (delusion or not) was my best friend for life is gone forever And that I have absolutely no idea where is even lives! It seems somehow impossible that I don't even know where he is. I've never in my life gone anywhere for any length of time without him knowing where I am. This all just seems impossible to me.

I know I'm supposed to just be thankful. But we still share four children, five grandsons, and all that history. And there's nobody else in the universe who knows the details of all those stories like he does; no one else with whom I can share those memories. And that's all gone too, not just the abuse.

I need a funeral. And I need people to mourn with me.

And I'm [u]not[u] safe yet, either. For all I know he has also cut me off financially, and the next time I go to pay for something there will be no money. And he still has house keys. And he still knows how to manipulate, threaten and scare me. And he still knows how to lie to my kids.

[Celebration1994]

Happy Labor Day...Learning to live life without my husband of so many years was such a mixture of emotions. Some days I was okay for a bit then would become overwhelmed with so many emotions. I know I had to watch that my emotions didn't take over my thinking....and I did this with encouragement of friends and support groups. As sick as I knew the relationship was I missed and grieved about it for a time....It does take time. I know for me I had to start looking for positives in my life without him, to remind me I made the right choice. I had to learn how to do things alone and reconnect with friends I had left due to "us". I had to make new friends. I had to cry and remember I was a loving, deserving and gracious woman, that deserved to be respected and loved unconditionally. I had to remember the past and learn from it and move forward....sometimes very slowly.

Enjoy today and look to your HP for comfort.
Love and Blessings
Terry

[MsTree]

I was encouraged to post to the women's group since this is not a frequently visited place. so that's kind of where I've been going.

I lost friends too but it wasn't because he restricted me in that way. We lost friends for other reasons. For one thing I couldn't stand to be around him with people because I knew he was such a fake. Also because if we weren't getting along he'd do pay back by making me look like a fool in public the first chance he got.

But I lost my personal friends because from the time I figured out about his secret life, and my own life started going to pieces over it, my friends just got fed up with being around me. This was and is very hard for me to deal with. Both of my closest friends had both gone through their own serious husband problems/divorces/abandonments. And I'd been there for them through it all: Superfriend and all that. So to have them both reject and abandon me when it was my turn to go through more or less the same thing added to my feelings or worthlessness.

And it's made it hard for me to even want to make new friends.

Anyway I still ended up being blessed by friends yesterday. One friend (casual, not intimate) dropped by with lunch. It was a young man (the age of my sons) who knows about my situation. He brought flowers. He treats me as a mother, but my husband doesn't know that. So I had a quiet little chuckle when my husband chose that hour to drop by to pick some things up. The look in his face when he walked in and saw us eating and the flowers on the table between us!

And then a family I just met invited me over for dinner and some singing and prayer. I met their four daughters and had a wonderful time. The five year old gave big hugs and told me she loved me when I left. I felt blessed

[ananda]

MsT....sometimes the things we need to support us come from different places than we expect! so glad you are getting support in these unexpected ways!

[Tisa2U]

For the majority of my life, I have been a serial "victim". I chose the same unhealthy, abusive relationships over & over again. If you treated me good, you must be a peice of crap. If you treated me bad, it was, of course, because I was a piece of crap & I "deserved" it. I have survived emotional, sexual, physical, spiritual, financial, & mental abuse. It took 2 years of domestic violence counseling before I broke up with my last abuser. For the first time since I was 13 yrs old, I was single for more than a month. I stayed in counselling and out of relationships for 2 more years. Today, I am 3 years clean, still in abuse counselling, and no longer tolerate abuse of any kind in my life. I am dating a very kind and gentle man, of whom I have never had to be afraid. Although I'm often scared and uncertain about how to have a healthy relationship, my Sponsor, my counsellor, my family, my boyfriend, and my Higher Power have all supported me and loved me through the hard times. I love and nurture myself to the best of my ability... just for today.

[Betty2534]

Originally Posted by upanddownjj

Thank you for your supportive replies...Oh - where do I start...I really haven't been able to start on any therapy for the deep stuff..I had to get my emotions under control..Finally found a great phsychiatrist who minimized meds, but still can't get my rapid cycling under control, but I have grown up a lot !! I have a very strong AA Program which suffers (spiritually) whenever I get depressed..Thank God I don't go Really manic - just workaholism or hyperness...I found a wonderful therapist who said I had such severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that she didn't want to dig yet - just teach me coping mechanisms...but I can't afford to go right now...
I have myself in a pickle..My ex-fiance had a severe stroke 3 yrs ago and I lived with him for the 1st 2 yrs until I almost cracked up..he got self sufficient enough to live alone and I moved out - when caring for him I can't work (selling real-estate)..I detached really well and then his health took a turn for the worse again and I got hooked again..He lost his speach in the stroke and I am the only one who can understand him and do all his medical advocacy..He has a sister that doesn't help at all..She nursed her husband to death with ALS - so I guess I understand...Anyway - this is not a sob story - my pickle is that because I can't work - he has been supporting me and the debt is accumulating and my health is deteriorating and I know I have to walk away...I know God will take care of him - But I don't want to abandon him...
oh - so much typing..I'll stop here for now

Just sending you a quote verse I would like to share with you..He who believes in me(The Truth)will also do the works that I do and in fact,will do greater works then these"