Are you emotionally abused?

[liveweyerd]

QUESTIONS FOR WOMEN TO ASK THEMSELVES

Many women find that emotional abuse is difficult to name or even talk about. They often wonder if it is serious because you can not see it, like broken bones or bruises. Emotionally abused women state that one of the biggest problems they face is that others seldom take it seriously. These questions will help you identify if you are being emotionally abused, and provide some ideas on what you can do about it.

WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE?
Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don't know how to describe it?

Do you feel that your partner controls your life?

Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?

Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?

Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?

Do you feel that you can not do anything right in your partner's eyes?

Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?

Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?

Do you have to account for every minute of your time?

When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?

Are you prevented from going to work or school?

Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?

If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don't deserve anything?

After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?

Does he use the children against you in an argument? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?

Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?

HOW ARE YOU AFFECTED?

Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?

Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?

Do you make excuses for your partner's behavior?

Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?

Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?

Have you lost interest or energy to do things you used to do?

Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?

Have you lost contact with friends, family or neighbors?

Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

Recognize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.

Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.

Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.

Know that emotional abuse can lead to sexual and physical violence or death.

Know that you are not responsible for your partner's abusive behavior.

Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counseling.

Do not give up if traditional therapists are not helpful. Keep looking for someone who will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.

Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.

Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.

[bubblze30]

Good thread live. I was emotionally abused for many many years. Not to mention the emotional abuse I brought on my self. Today however I have changed my life so much that I know longer live with emotional abuse. I am free from all sorts of abuse and emotional was one of the biggies. I pray others can free themselves from emotional abuse as i have and am deeply grateful for the chance to do so.

[indigo]

I too was emotionally abused for more years than I care to remember, I let it go and with it my abusers it's a miracle to be free.
Love and hugs indie x

[ButterflyChaser]

Wow!!!! what a real wake-up call! Thanks Live!

[ssindi]

Thank you for this thread. I feel I have been emotionally abused for years 20. I'm not sure what to do. Except I know I need to see a therapist to really figure out what to do. My husband has always controled me. And now that I lost my job it is worse. I was disabled 18 years ago with seizures, luckily I got off disability and found a job I was at for 7-8 years. It was easy. I got laid off. I tried and tried to look for jobs then I thought something more was wrong I had a neuropsych test done. There is signficiant damage done to my brain (cognitive) that is irreversible. Thursday I am going to Dept. of Vocational Rehabilitation and I am also going to apply for disability. I need a job that is slow. My husband has been verbally putting me down and threatening me by taking things away from me. What I don't know is if I would be better without him. It is starting to weigh on me and I am very depressed. He makes me feel like nothing but should I really be happy out there on my own or with my daughter and her son? I am so confused.

[tenK]

Hi ssindi,

I found a lot of help at this site:

http://www.verbalabuse.com/

(It's got resources for any type of abuse -- verbal, emotional, etc.) There's lots of great people on the boards, and you will be sure to realize very quickly that your are not crazy for feeling the way you do.

Strange coincidence that you bumped this thread today. I did not know it was here, and have just PM'd a newcomer on this topic earlier today.

[liveweyerd]

thanks for the new resource tenK!

Verbal/psychological abuse has predictable effects. Most places have free women's clinics for counseling, I found this most helpful and worthwhile.

There are also additional posts at the top of this forum with information about abuse.

Good luck! You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. All the time.

hugs,
live

[Scorpio007]

Hi everyone I'm new I posted in the newbie section of this forum. I find this post to be an eye opener for me. Yes I've been emotionally abused. It scares you to the core of mybeing. I'm caught up in a situation were I was seeing someone who had someone
else in the picture this devastated me. This person blames me for the reason this other person was in the pictureafter doing some investigation I found out this person was in the picture from day one. He still insist I was the cause and this person they were only friends. I know he has some feelingsfor me but not enogh to my liking.

I'm sitting here going through the motions trying to figure out what I need to do knowing I have these feelings.I know I don't want to settle for less.

[liveweyerd]

Information, education are the first steps because the very nature of these situations is confusion and chaos

I have just added an additional Post "Practical tips" that I hope will be helpful, and I hope in it we can share additional tips and support.

Emotional/verbal/psychological abuse is in several ways more damaging than a black eye or a broken arm.

I post about this because I do not want anyone to go through the torment and damage and trauma I did. It does not recover overnight.

So, I hope with information and validation, some of the cloud of confusion may be lifted and we may re-claim our sanity and our lives.

I am very glad this post helped you, that is important and touching to me at a deep level.

hugs,
live

[Belle]

I also have been and am emotionally abused, along with physically abused on many occassions. It is so bad. Almost all of those ideas applied to me. It helps so much to have information to bring our spirits up and to help us believe we are so much better than what we are told!

[AllThatGlitters]

I was with a guy who was emotionally abusive; however, it didn't work on me very well as I do not make a good victim. We only lasted two months-- I left him, and he moved onto another girl who was a better victim than I was. I called her once to warn her that he was abusive and possibly dangerous, but she was already under his spell. I hope she's ok.

[ODAT]

I grew up with emotional abuse and now I guess I have internalized so much of it that sometimes all it takes is a look or a gesture from my husband today, that I interpret those looks or gestures and hear those words from the past.

It is tricky learning not to react to what I think he is thinking and to remember that often times he may be thinking something totally different from what I am thinking he's thinking.

Don't know if this makes sense at all.

Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
Do you feel that you can not do anything right in your partner's eyes?
Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
Do you have to account for every minute of your time?
Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?

These ones I answered with hesitation because it isn't exactly 'him' that does these things--I do them myself to myself. Its almost as if I am trying to head him off at the path so to speak. I remember my mother having to explain every minute of her day, every cent she spent and I hated it and hated my father and her for it--yet, here I am over 20 years later STILL explaining everything to him just as if I were my mother. Yet, he seldom even asks where I was or what money I spent--I guess I still have a long way to go.

[bebubbles]

That is a great post. I am also in an emotional abuse relation. I am so tired I have want to leave five times just this year and can't seem to. I love him to death but am sooooo tired of the arguing and the"he's always right" syndrome.

[VWGirl]

The marriage I was a part of for almost twenty years was riddled with emotional/verbal and some physical abuse, actually by both of us. However, I always felt that I received worse treatment...however, we were both active in our disease during that entire marriage and go figure needless to say the marriage was a disaster and brought damage to our two daughters. Upon summoning up the courage to leave, well that's when some healing started and the denial stopped. Six months after I left him he got sober and 18 months after I left I got sober and work a program, he no longer works a program. My life is so much better today, I finally feel free! I finally feel safe. Our daughters are healing too, I talk openly and honestly about what went on when they were young. I'm dating a man on the Program who is mature, respectful and loving...something that I wasn't quite use to but now realize I am worth being treated well and so are all women!

[sarahlynnl]

Originally Posted by bebubbles

That is a great post. I am also in an emotional abuse relation. I am so tired I have want to leave five times just this year and can't seem to. I love him to death but am sooooo tired of the arguing and the"he's always right" syndrome.

Sometimes I feel as though more of my marriage was filled with this abuse than I will allow my brain to remember for I blocked a lot of it out and when you get to where you have had enough you will leave him.

I feel sorry for the woman the ex is going to marry for he will do the same thing to her and the only reason I don't tell her is that I had to file assault charges against him and we are divorced and we go to court when he is married so I'm wondering if she even knows and if so I'm sure that he has lied to her but I'm not going to worry about her for I'm still working on me.

He had me down so low that I didn't even want to get out of the house for I felt as though I didn't deserve to go anywhere are do anything and just know starting to do things and working on getting more money out of him for he didn't claim all of his income when we were getting our divorce.

Hugs!

Thanks for this thread! Why do we block so much of what happened to us with them?

[goffredo]

hi Live

I want to thank you so much for this threat, it has broken, finally my denial as to verbal and emotional abuse that i receive from my gf (we are the another evidence that abuse can be carried out by a woman too!).

Another website I found extremely helpful is www.drirene.com.

I identified with so many, although not all (but the fact that it's some and not all doesn't matter and doesn't make it less damaging) of the definitions of verbal and emotional abuse. The following applies to me and it's defined as emotional and verbal abuse:

walking ahead of me when in the street and an argument starts
not making eye contact when I talk
silent treatment
ignoring me when I talk so that I have to repeat the same thing more than once to get her attention
walking away from me when talking without saying anything
turning her back to me when I'm talking
saying I am too sensitive

Love Jo

[TheGirlInside]

THis is great.

I had felt for a long time, that there just was something that "wasn't right" with my current marriage. He didn't seem to make any sense to me at all, but it was very easy for me to berate and degrade myself, because after all, he was "such a nice guy." I was totally charmed and fooled.

A few years ago, when I stopped, turned around and looked back at my past, I realized that I have been in many abusive relationships, both in romantic relationships with men and platonic friendships with other women (yes, women can be just as bad). Then, I finally realized that I had been right to believe all these years that my parents are sick and abusive. Up until about age 33, I still bought into the b.s. they told me, that I "had it good." and that "it could be a lot worse."

Before I even did any exploring on it (after my husband raped me), I told a friend that I believed that I am in an abusive relationship, but that it is a different type than what I'd seen before (not really, just played out in a different form).

Well, anyhow, I'm rambling, but I did want to say THANK YOU!! I copied pasted the original post and a few others onto Word, to keep and give out at the women's group meeting at a local shelter. I still haven't gotten the 'nads to leave so far, but I am on the brink...just waiting for the word "go"...not sure what that is.

Here's something I have learned so far...it's a bad idea to judge a new person in my life based on what they Don't do like the last one (i.e....well, at least he doesn't hit me, or put me down like the last one). I'm trying to compile a list of trust vs not trust characteristics, and have started a thread on the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. If you have something to share or add, please do. I could use some guidance on figuring out, BEFORE making a commitment like marriage or sex, what behaviors and attitudes are ones that can be trusted vs. not.

Thanks a $MIL!!

[bebubbles]

I have been in this relationship for 12 yrs, we have 3 kids, his, mine and ours. you are all very correct "he is such a nice guy" I have also blocked out a lot all I know now is I am very unhappy and I didn't used to be that way. Today I started to pack some boxed and he came in to stop me and said he was going to be the one to move out. I wonder how long I will have to wait ??

Thanks for listening at his point I am hurt,and confused want my freedom and want to go back to the very happy person I use to be.

[NewAngie]

In my brief marriage I was emotionally and physically abused. I was too busy ignoring it so that I could do my job as a new teacher well, that I turned to wine to ignore it. The early signs of small physical violence turned worse. I had no money saved and no family in the state. I felt I had nowhere to go, BUT, I got out of there. It wasnt easy, and Ive been on route to getting settled, healing, rebuilding my life and all I lost for over 9 months.
Just tell yourself- NO MORE. I had to learn humility and asked for help from anyone and everyone I could to get me moved out, have places to stay, re-establish everything. Not easy, but WORTH it.
I used to be the person to tell other people "there are over 2 billion men, why have one that's mean?" Then, I slowly got sucked into it. Never again.
Ive learned that there are kind people who would never dream of hurting me. There are people who I enjoy being with and can't imagine ever arguing with. You can find people who aren't abusive! Don't fear rehabilitation or relocation as options for a new path.
NewAngie

[AvoidOC]

I’m sitting here tonight feeling alone. In my heart I know that I will be happier in the long run being away from my husband; however every time I see him the anger all comes back. Let me back up a little and give you some background…

I asked (told) my husband to move out in January after he threatened to leave me over the past year. This ended a 27 year relationship. The past eight years or so have gotten steadily worse with the verbal and emotional abuse. Add to that cheating and some incidences of physical abuse through the years – no I will not go back to that again – there is nothing in my heart for him but anger. That, and I am hurt too. Hurt that he wasn’t man enough to leave me years ago; instead choosing to make me feel like a piece of trash.

As I read through these posts and I can identify with most of the posters as it did take me a long time to finally get off the merry go round. Confused – because he kept me that way; to being angry at myself for not realizing what was really going on in my life. Now there are memories that come back to me coupled with facts that are being found out. Like finding out that he has cheated for at least 22 years. There were signs so I also ask why we block these memories. Did I get high and drink to forget or forget because I was getting high and drinking?

Coming from an abusive broken home and figuring out that I married my dad so to speak, is a little sobering. Lots of similarities for sure

Anyway - I still will have contact with him as we have two adult children (one is getting married) and most of his belongings are still here. I do fine on my own for days then he will show up and what use to be anxiety at the sound of his truck has now turn to hatred. Can you understand what I am saying? I want to get past this stage because we still need to divide everything and help the children along without the animosity.

They say there is a light at the end of the tunnel – I’m praying that there is…

[ODAT]

Another website I found extremely helpful is www.drirene.com.

I identified with so many, although not all ....



Wanted to thankyou for the link here. Am finding this site very valuable and supportive too.

[arkansaschicky]

Thanks for the info. I too was emotionally abused for 9 years but being married to a cop everyone just blew it off including the PD and Judge. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.

[april1007]

I have been emotionally abused and am now divorced. it took me a long time to get here but I am so much happier than I was . The big down fall to it all is that I never want to be in a relationship with a man again, it will take me years to get over the trama that I have been through.

[indigo]

Welcome April I'm sorry for all your distress, please keep posting and let us get to know each other.

By the way welcome to SR it's a great place to find.