Are You An Abused Woman?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Belair, MD
Posts: 2
I’m sitting here tonight feeling alone. In my heart I know that I will be happier in the long run being away from my husband; however every time I see him the anger all comes back. Let me back up a little and give you some background…
I asked (told) my husband to move out in January after he threatened to leave me over the past year. This ended a 27 year relationship. The past eight years or so have gotten steadily worse with the verbal and emotional abuse. Add to that cheating and some incidences of physical abuse through the years – no I will not go back to that again – there is nothing in my heart for him but anger. That, and I am hurt too. Hurt that he wasn’t man enough to leave me years ago; instead choosing to make me feel like a piece of trash.
As I read through these posts and I can identify with most of the posters as it did take me a long time to finally get off the merry go round. Confused – because he kept me that way; to being angry at myself for not realizing what was really going on in my life. Now there are memories that come back to me coupled with facts that are being found out. Like finding out that he has cheated for at least 22 years. There were signs so I also ask why we block these memories. Did I get high and drink to forget or forget because I was getting high and drinking?
Coming from an abusive broken home and figuring out that I married my dad so to speak, is a little sobering. Lots of similarities for sure
Anyway - I still will have contact with him as we have two adult children (one is getting married) and most of his belongings are still here. I do fine on my own for days then he will show up and what use to be anxiety at the sound of his truck has now turn to hatred. Can you understand what I am saying? I want to get past this stage because we still need to divide everything and help the children along without the animosity.
They say there is a light at the end of the tunnel – I’m praying that there is…
I asked (told) my husband to move out in January after he threatened to leave me over the past year. This ended a 27 year relationship. The past eight years or so have gotten steadily worse with the verbal and emotional abuse. Add to that cheating and some incidences of physical abuse through the years – no I will not go back to that again – there is nothing in my heart for him but anger. That, and I am hurt too. Hurt that he wasn’t man enough to leave me years ago; instead choosing to make me feel like a piece of trash.
As I read through these posts and I can identify with most of the posters as it did take me a long time to finally get off the merry go round. Confused – because he kept me that way; to being angry at myself for not realizing what was really going on in my life. Now there are memories that come back to me coupled with facts that are being found out. Like finding out that he has cheated for at least 22 years. There were signs so I also ask why we block these memories. Did I get high and drink to forget or forget because I was getting high and drinking?
Coming from an abusive broken home and figuring out that I married my dad so to speak, is a little sobering. Lots of similarities for sure
Anyway - I still will have contact with him as we have two adult children (one is getting married) and most of his belongings are still here. I do fine on my own for days then he will show up and what use to be anxiety at the sound of his truck has now turn to hatred. Can you understand what I am saying? I want to get past this stage because we still need to divide everything and help the children along without the animosity.
They say there is a light at the end of the tunnel – I’m praying that there is…
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
Another website I found extremely helpful is www.drirene.com.
I identified with so many, although not all ....
Wanted to thankyou for the link here. Am finding this site very valuable and supportive too.
I identified with so many, although not all ....
Wanted to thankyou for the link here. Am finding this site very valuable and supportive too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 32
my ex husband was all of that...i left him 3 years ago...had a b/f who was all that also...stayed with him for almost a year...I stayed single for over a year, nervous about dating again...Im now with a great guy, but cant seem to get over the ex's who started out being great guys also...really puts a damper on things. any advice on how to let it all go, and put more trust into deserving guys? maybe im just not ready to really be dating again yet.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ontario
Posts: 718
What I hate most about abusers is the lingering affect they leave imprinted in your life even long after the abuser is gone for good. How that an abused child is really no longer a child, how as an adulescent the abuse goes unnoticed by outsiders and stays hidden from the world. How the blame we often misdirected towards ourselves thinking we may actually deserve it or that we are somehow permanently damaged by it and over time it becomes such a habit you beat yourself up over and over again for years with that feeling of worthlessness, that constant depression without even knowing why, and realize how hard it is to change that thinking once the real truth finally does hit the surface of our consciuosness.
I hate how the loneliness, and fear rule a person who is being abused, and neglected. How trust, faith, dignity and hope are smashed to bits to the trully beautiful people victimized by emotional and physical abusers. I pray our children trully never have to live it or feel it's effects
I thank god I finally have a man who loves me and gives me freedom of choice, who for the most part is patient and honest and good even though he himself also suffered extream physical abuse along with his mother and brother at the hands of a monster of a father.
I hate how the loneliness, and fear rule a person who is being abused, and neglected. How trust, faith, dignity and hope are smashed to bits to the trully beautiful people victimized by emotional and physical abusers. I pray our children trully never have to live it or feel it's effects
I thank god I finally have a man who loves me and gives me freedom of choice, who for the most part is patient and honest and good even though he himself also suffered extream physical abuse along with his mother and brother at the hands of a monster of a father.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
GailJ,
Your posting is beautiful and gives me everlasting hope I will find a man who is honest, not controlling, gentle, thoughtful and loving.
This week I go to court to the Pretrial for my exabf who abused me last year and has been stalking me this year, violating the order for protection I got. I don't know if he will plead not guilty and take it to trial or if his high paid attorney will attempt a plea bargin but I know I get to make a statement to object to a plea bargain and again before sentencing.
I will consider reading your posting because that is what I'm most angry at. I have to spend so much of my time fighting to not be revictimized and I hate him and all the other abusers for doing it, repeating it and being stupid enough to ignore the pain they are causing.
Your posting is beautiful and gives me everlasting hope I will find a man who is honest, not controlling, gentle, thoughtful and loving.
This week I go to court to the Pretrial for my exabf who abused me last year and has been stalking me this year, violating the order for protection I got. I don't know if he will plead not guilty and take it to trial or if his high paid attorney will attempt a plea bargin but I know I get to make a statement to object to a plea bargain and again before sentencing.
I will consider reading your posting because that is what I'm most angry at. I have to spend so much of my time fighting to not be revictimized and I hate him and all the other abusers for doing it, repeating it and being stupid enough to ignore the pain they are causing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I, too, have PTSD from the trauma. I also have married a man who is reliably loving, kind, honest, caring, giving, non-controlling whatsoever, and gentle. Neither is he a "wuss" He is a man. A good man.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Holy heck..I really needed this post tonight. Thank you Live...my ex is verbally abusive. The night he hit me, was the end of our marriage. Yet, he still controls me through the money thing etc. I feel relieved that I don't have to walk around my house on eggshells anymore, wondering which ONE persona of his would be there that day..
I still have a very difficult time dealing with him..questioning my decisions, not letting him float on his own, stuff like that..I often don't have any idea how to act. But, put me with another person, and I'd NEVER in my life deal with the crap he dishes at me, from them!!
Hey, I know I was a drunk, but I still didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated/treats me.
Thanks so much for this post, I feel less alone.
Karen
I still have a very difficult time dealing with him..questioning my decisions, not letting him float on his own, stuff like that..I often don't have any idea how to act. But, put me with another person, and I'd NEVER in my life deal with the crap he dishes at me, from them!!
Hey, I know I was a drunk, but I still didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated/treats me.
Thanks so much for this post, I feel less alone.
Karen
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: mid missouri
Posts: 2
I have been emotionally abused and am now divorced. it took me a long time to get here but I am so much happier than I was . The big down fall to it all is that I never want to be in a relationship with a man again, it will take me years to get over the trama that I have been through.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: COATESVILLE, PENNSYLVANIA
Posts: 7
I Am Probably Abusive
I Read Your Thread And I Saw Three Abuse Tactics That I Use,
Jealousy - Accusing My Partner, Questioning About Who He Talks To
Unrealistic Expectations - I Expect My Partner To Fulfill My Physical And Emotional Needs.
Committment - After A Year Even With All The Above, I Am Expecting Marriage Or Engagement
And Guess What Jazzyjeff (me) Is A Woman
THANKS FOR YOUR POST. IT OPENED MY EYES. I KNOW I AM THE ONE WHO NEED HELP. THANK YOU.
Jealousy - Accusing My Partner, Questioning About Who He Talks To
Unrealistic Expectations - I Expect My Partner To Fulfill My Physical And Emotional Needs.
Committment - After A Year Even With All The Above, I Am Expecting Marriage Or Engagement
And Guess What Jazzyjeff (me) Is A Woman
THANKS FOR YOUR POST. IT OPENED MY EYES. I KNOW I AM THE ONE WHO NEED HELP. THANK YOU.
Last edited by jazzyjeff2008; 02-25-2008 at 02:59 PM. Reason: ADDITIONAL COMMENTS
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by teke 
thank you so much, this is so painful for me right now, 20yrs of this and i had no idea, i guess i thought that this was normal. no wonder i could not figure out why other coujples seemed so happy and in love, i have lived this so long, all of it, every bit of it, i could not believe what i was reading, if my ah had not gone to jail for 2 yrs, by now, i would be in a straight jacket i am sure. i came to believe whatever he told me to believe. 52 yrs old now, i should have know better you would think,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 222
wow i'm glad i read this. i've been spending most of my time in the alcoholics forum worrying about my boyfriend and the fact that he has a restraining order to stay away from me because of physical abuse.
yes, he broke the light switch.......
yes, he slammed the door shut and complained about how i shut it wrong and he had to clean it twice a day.......
yes, he pulled out my hair and gave me a bloody nose.........shoved me, pushed me down...........thank god i had him arrested....even though now i am arrested too because he accused me of hitting me in the head with a plate. luckily, i had already taken out one incident report on him but did not have him arrested. and the domestive violence police have visited me twice and will be visiting again and they ask a lot of questions.
yes, he would bother me late at night when he was drunk and wanted attention and i had to get up early for work...for instance, pinching my ass for no reason at midnight while he had just popped open another beer and i was trying to sleep......
another time, we were sleeping with our backs facing each other, and he just slammed his butt into mine, just to bug me.......then he did it again.....that started a fight.........his screaming was so loud it was echoing off the walls.
yes, he accused me of flirting.......but in actuallity he was the flirt some of the time.
another time, while i was trying to sleep, he just started rubbing my ass all over, all over, all over.........i was fully dressed and just ignored him....he was too drunk for sex anyway, he just wanted to bug me! i learned to sleep fully dressed all the time.....
yes, he screamed, you're a piece of shi*t, over and over, to me on the phone, so loud that the neighbors called the police........he was at a friend's house talking to me this way! his friends tell me that he had been calling me nutjob..."nj" for short.......for a long time........and that the only reason he wanted to be on the lease with me was so that i couldn't kick him out.....he doesn't work........on disability........
yes, he told everybody i had stopped taking my meds........so what? not everybody needs to stay on antidepressants forever.
also yelled another time.......STFU, over and over........in front of friends,
i overflowed the water in the bathtub in our new apartment and got the rug wet and he told me i was pathetic........but when he spilled a beer on the rug, i cleaned it all up, like a sweetheart.
meanwhile, he drinks all day while i'm at work, engages in illegal activities....i could have this man put away in jail for a very long time but he has mafia ties from his wall street days and could have me killed. or maybe i'm over reacting. but he def. had/has these ties.
i'm glad i found this forum. i need it badly. more than than the alcoholism forum. even though i'm battling alcoholism, i think this is a bigger battle.
his friends are giving me all conflicting stories. one of them even threatened to put a restraining order on me because she thought i called her at work for the second time. i think she was drunk. i really barely know this woman.
i can't wait for all of this to be over.
yes, he broke the light switch.......
yes, he slammed the door shut and complained about how i shut it wrong and he had to clean it twice a day.......
yes, he pulled out my hair and gave me a bloody nose.........shoved me, pushed me down...........thank god i had him arrested....even though now i am arrested too because he accused me of hitting me in the head with a plate. luckily, i had already taken out one incident report on him but did not have him arrested. and the domestive violence police have visited me twice and will be visiting again and they ask a lot of questions.
yes, he would bother me late at night when he was drunk and wanted attention and i had to get up early for work...for instance, pinching my ass for no reason at midnight while he had just popped open another beer and i was trying to sleep......
another time, we were sleeping with our backs facing each other, and he just slammed his butt into mine, just to bug me.......then he did it again.....that started a fight.........his screaming was so loud it was echoing off the walls.
yes, he accused me of flirting.......but in actuallity he was the flirt some of the time.
another time, while i was trying to sleep, he just started rubbing my ass all over, all over, all over.........i was fully dressed and just ignored him....he was too drunk for sex anyway, he just wanted to bug me! i learned to sleep fully dressed all the time.....
yes, he screamed, you're a piece of shi*t, over and over, to me on the phone, so loud that the neighbors called the police........he was at a friend's house talking to me this way! his friends tell me that he had been calling me nutjob..."nj" for short.......for a long time........and that the only reason he wanted to be on the lease with me was so that i couldn't kick him out.....he doesn't work........on disability........
yes, he told everybody i had stopped taking my meds........so what? not everybody needs to stay on antidepressants forever.
also yelled another time.......STFU, over and over........in front of friends,
i overflowed the water in the bathtub in our new apartment and got the rug wet and he told me i was pathetic........but when he spilled a beer on the rug, i cleaned it all up, like a sweetheart.
meanwhile, he drinks all day while i'm at work, engages in illegal activities....i could have this man put away in jail for a very long time but he has mafia ties from his wall street days and could have me killed. or maybe i'm over reacting. but he def. had/has these ties.
i'm glad i found this forum. i need it badly. more than than the alcoholism forum. even though i'm battling alcoholism, i think this is a bigger battle.
his friends are giving me all conflicting stories. one of them even threatened to put a restraining order on me because she thought i called her at work for the second time. i think she was drunk. i really barely know this woman.
i can't wait for all of this to be over.
Do u have a catch-22?
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Nomansland, New York
Posts: 69
Hi,your lives pain me. My-x never hit me of any sort their of .He did drive ridiculous a few times through a barren trail in the woods at a state park at night. Actually it was kinda fun. Not quite sure if that's a sign? yet he did "go for it" wile i was sleeping but i don't think that's rape? When you wake up it's kinda nice and romantic( mabe i'm nuts but that's how I look at it).
He was a bit controlling yet it was in a positive way he nagged at me to get a job and i did.
On the other hand he would take my cigarettes from my hand and put them out!! I'd get pissed.(again for the positive). He always asked for beers or to get stuff out of the truck or find his keys, wheres my bowel, glasses and other stuff (but that's the give and take of love in a relationship ) (The difference Is i did not do it because he asked i did because i wanted too) because i loved him.
He also did want to get married early within a year and move most of the way across the country were his family is.
Yet I really don't think he was in the making!!! Just wondering what your guys opinion is?
He was a bit controlling yet it was in a positive way he nagged at me to get a job and i did.
On the other hand he would take my cigarettes from my hand and put them out!! I'd get pissed.(again for the positive). He always asked for beers or to get stuff out of the truck or find his keys, wheres my bowel, glasses and other stuff (but that's the give and take of love in a relationship ) (The difference Is i did not do it because he asked i did because i wanted too) because i loved him.
He also did want to get married early within a year and move most of the way across the country were his family is.
Yet I really don't think he was in the making!!! Just wondering what your guys opinion is?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,486
candystripper....you did say "my-X"...so it really doesn't make sense to give an opinion.
I found that when I focused on my own personal recovery I learned my patterns of selecting men. Working a thorough program of recovery has enlightened me a great deal.
Stay true to yourself.
peace,
Missy
I found that when I focused on my own personal recovery I learned my patterns of selecting men. Working a thorough program of recovery has enlightened me a great deal.
Stay true to yourself.
peace,
Missy
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Candy,
It seems as if you may have had some warning signals.
Is that why you're asking? If so, I think it's quite wise to ask and to receive answers. Many people are not sure of the answers, due to differences in upbringing, as to what abuse really is.
For example, if I woke up and someone was "having a go at it", with me, you bet your arse there would be trouble. That *is* rape! Making love is a consentual act between to people. You cannot consent if you're unconscious. It's like raping someone who's stoned or drunk unconscious. They cannot give their consent. And neither can someone who is sound asleep.
We do things for each other in a relationship, that's true. But, it's a give and take relationship that's healthy. Driving rediculously is a deal breaker for me. That's not fun. Demanding, controlling behavior is too. And a classic sign of an abuser is to take the person away from all their friends and family; to isolate them; and to have them totally dependent on the abuser.
I cannot say if your ex was an abuser in the making or not. But, there are several red flags up. Sometimes, we can just consider ourselves lucky and learn from our past -- thankful that we don't always have to learn the hard way.
Shalom!
It seems as if you may have had some warning signals.
Is that why you're asking? If so, I think it's quite wise to ask and to receive answers. Many people are not sure of the answers, due to differences in upbringing, as to what abuse really is.
For example, if I woke up and someone was "having a go at it", with me, you bet your arse there would be trouble. That *is* rape! Making love is a consentual act between to people. You cannot consent if you're unconscious. It's like raping someone who's stoned or drunk unconscious. They cannot give their consent. And neither can someone who is sound asleep.
We do things for each other in a relationship, that's true. But, it's a give and take relationship that's healthy. Driving rediculously is a deal breaker for me. That's not fun. Demanding, controlling behavior is too. And a classic sign of an abuser is to take the person away from all their friends and family; to isolate them; and to have them totally dependent on the abuser.
I cannot say if your ex was an abuser in the making or not. But, there are several red flags up. Sometimes, we can just consider ourselves lucky and learn from our past -- thankful that we don't always have to learn the hard way.
Shalom!
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