Are You An Abused Woman?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
I say the thing about the therapy because the first letter you wrote was pretty scary............and you are talking about going back. You'll end up dead. Isn't it better to have another f-ed up relationship and get yourself into therapy to end the pattern in your life? You'd be able to start a new life that way.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: santa ana heights ,ca
Posts: 9
maybe i do need therapy i just read that first message i wrote ..and it was weird reading it and thinking back to the entire incident as if it were something that happened to someone else and about how scared i would of been for that girl how heart broken too ... and that kinda hit home for me ...
it brought tears to my eyes and i really feel like crying but i am at work ... that is a very sad situation that i got myself in...
i just dont have the money for therapy ..but maybe someday
thank you
it brought tears to my eyes and i really feel like crying but i am at work ... that is a very sad situation that i got myself in...
i just dont have the money for therapy ..but maybe someday
thank you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
I'm glad you reread what you wrote. Rereading our stuff helps us to see things in a different light.
I don't know ho wthe health care system is in the U.S but maybe if you wne to your family doctor you could get a referral to someone with a sliding scale of maybe check into an abuse shelter and find out if they offer anything.
Are you worried about when he gets out that he'll come looking for you?
Don't give up there are ways and resources to get your life back on track.....but you have to really want to do it.
Ngaire
I don't know ho wthe health care system is in the U.S but maybe if you wne to your family doctor you could get a referral to someone with a sliding scale of maybe check into an abuse shelter and find out if they offer anything.
Are you worried about when he gets out that he'll come looking for you?
Don't give up there are ways and resources to get your life back on track.....but you have to really want to do it.
Ngaire
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: santa ana heights ,ca
Posts: 9
hi ...i wanna thank you for talking to me and taking interest in my problem...it really helps me ...just talking to you about it..dont know why but it does.....
i am newly sober.... i had been drinking and slamming speed for quite awhile ...unemployable for a long while..i came into this program with nothing not even a family doctor...... i currently liveat a sober living home........so i am not too concerned about him coming looking for me...i know that he'll probably try calling... and yesterday i told my sponsor whom i hadnt even been willing to share that i had been writting him again.... that i wrote him a ltter ending it ...and she asked if i meant it...if was what i wanted and was i gonna be ready for when he called to hang up the phone and give in to it all once again...that really got me thinking ...i had fooled myself into thinking that i'd be able to avoid his calls ....have the girls all handle it for me..... but then i realized that yes ...thats exactly what id do ...i'd have to ..if t sover its over...i just wanna better life....i feel like any relation with him would stunt the growth i have begun...and i fear that ...
i reallly want this ...maybe down the road i'll check into something like you mentioned
i am newly sober.... i had been drinking and slamming speed for quite awhile ...unemployable for a long while..i came into this program with nothing not even a family doctor...... i currently liveat a sober living home........so i am not too concerned about him coming looking for me...i know that he'll probably try calling... and yesterday i told my sponsor whom i hadnt even been willing to share that i had been writting him again.... that i wrote him a ltter ending it ...and she asked if i meant it...if was what i wanted and was i gonna be ready for when he called to hang up the phone and give in to it all once again...that really got me thinking ...i had fooled myself into thinking that i'd be able to avoid his calls ....have the girls all handle it for me..... but then i realized that yes ...thats exactly what id do ...i'd have to ..if t sover its over...i just wanna better life....i feel like any relation with him would stunt the growth i have begun...and i fear that ...
i reallly want this ...maybe down the road i'll check into something like you mentioned
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Tactics used by abusive people
VERBAL ABUSE- A batterer may say things that are cruel, deameaning and hurtful. He may also curse or degrade the victim's accomplishments.
BREAK OR HIT OBJECTS- A batterer may break household items, punch holes in walls or break down doors to scare the victim.
FORCE - A batterer may use force during the argument. He may hold her down physcially to keep her from leaving, push or shove her, or threaten to hurt her is she tries to leave.
ROLES - A batterer expects his victim to be submissive. A batterer may see women as inferior to men, stupid and unable to achieve full personhood without a man. A batterer may expect his victim to do menial tasks (putting his socks on for him, getting him a beer before the one he has is empty, cleaning the toilet after he has fouled all over it.)
COMMITMENT- In some cases, a batterer may pressure his victim to commit to their relationship quickly, moving in together, getting engaged or getting married.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS- A batterer may expect his victim to meet all his needs, to take care of all his emotional and physical needs (male entitlement)
JEALOUSY- A batterer may question a victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting and/or having affairs, or become jealous of the time she spends with others including her children.
ISOLATION- A batterer may isolate the victim by severing her ties to any outside resource, support, friends and family. He may keep the victim from having access to a vehicle, to a job, or to a phone.
CONTROLLING-A batterer may assume all control of the finances, thereby preventing victim from coming and going as she wishes.
"DUAL" PERSONALITY- A batterer may appear to be Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, he may be abusive, violent and moody and then suddenly become congenial. A batterer may be a Mr. Hyde ("just the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet') to the outside world and a Dr. Jekyl to his victim and the children.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS- A batterer may kick, throw, skin, burn or kill the family pet in front of the victim and her children.
BLAME OTHERS-A batterer may blame the victim for anything/everything that he perceives as "going wrong". A batterer may also blame the victim for his feelings: "You hurt me...you made me...you caused me...you never listen...you're stupid...you're crazy" etc
SEX- A batterer may restrain his victim against her will during sex. He may act our lurid fantasies when the victim is helpless. He may rape the victim by forcing sex while the victim is sleeping. He may demand sex when she is tired, ill or has just been battered.
HISTORY-A batterer has been abusive to other partners in the past.
CHILDREN-A batterer may expect children to perform beyond their capabilities and may punish them excessively. For example, a batterer may "whip" a 2-yr old for wetting his diaper.
Additional control tactics a batterer may use with children include:
TACTICS DURING THE RELATIONSHIP
1 Battering the victim in front of the children
2 Threatening to hurt or kill the victim in front of the children
3 Tell the children that the victim is responsible for her own abuse
4 "Justifying" his violence to the children
5 Telling the children that the victim is a horrid mother, stupid, trash, etc.
6 Employing other relatives (his) to speak badly of the victim to the children
7 Yelling at the victim when the children "misbehave" (bother him)
8 Coercing/manipulating the children into taking his side against the victim
9 Abusing or killing the children's pet(s) in front of them.
10 Using the children as his "confidants"
11 Threatening to commit suicide
12 Withholding money for the children's needs
13 Physically or sexually abusing the children
14 Threatening to take the children away from their mother.
15 Driving recklessly and/or when intoxicated with the children and/or the victim in the vechicle with him.
16 Abusing drugs and/or aclohol in front of the children; and
17 Coming home drunk, high, incapacitated
TACTICS AFTER SEPARATION
1 Asking the children intrusive questions about their mother
2 Asking the children whe the mother is "seeeing"
3 Blaming the victim for the breakup of the family
4 Telling the children that there cannot be a "family" because of the victim
5 Talking about all the horrible things the victim did to cause the breakup
6 Calling the victim's residence contstantly to " speak with his children
7 Showing up unexpectedly to see his children
8 Criticizing/demeaning/insulting victim's new partner
9 Intimidating and/or harassing the victim's new partner
10 Withholding child support and blaming the victim
11 Telling the children that he does pay their support, but the victim wastes it
12 Showering the children with gifts, allowing them to stay up all hours, and eat nothing but junk food while visiting him
13 Undermining the victim's rules for the children
14 Picking up the children at school without her knowledge
15 Keeping children longer than agreed upon
16 Abducting the children
17 Not showing up for agreed upon visitations and the blaming the victim for the "mix-up"
18 Blaming the victim for any emotional/health problems of the children
19 Telling the children that their mother, is a drunk, druggie, *****
20 Making frequent court dates to challenge the custody arrangements
21 Telling the children that their mother doesn't want them, she only wants them to make him suffer
22 Physically and/or sexually abusing the children while visiting him and then threatening them if the tell their mother
23 Abusing his new partner in front of the children; and
24 Changing visitation plans suddenly and/or frequently blaming the victim
I only pushed her, I didn't hit her.
She provoked me.
She has thin skin
She bruises easily
She was hysterical
I hardly touched her
She was high or drunk
I only slapped her, I didn't hit her
I had to restrain her
She was out of control
I was defending myself
It was an accident, her face hit my fist!
I was trying to keep her from leaving
She has mental problems/she is not taking her medication
BREAK OR HIT OBJECTS- A batterer may break household items, punch holes in walls or break down doors to scare the victim.
FORCE - A batterer may use force during the argument. He may hold her down physcially to keep her from leaving, push or shove her, or threaten to hurt her is she tries to leave.
ROLES - A batterer expects his victim to be submissive. A batterer may see women as inferior to men, stupid and unable to achieve full personhood without a man. A batterer may expect his victim to do menial tasks (putting his socks on for him, getting him a beer before the one he has is empty, cleaning the toilet after he has fouled all over it.)
COMMITMENT- In some cases, a batterer may pressure his victim to commit to their relationship quickly, moving in together, getting engaged or getting married.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS- A batterer may expect his victim to meet all his needs, to take care of all his emotional and physical needs (male entitlement)
JEALOUSY- A batterer may question a victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting and/or having affairs, or become jealous of the time she spends with others including her children.
ISOLATION- A batterer may isolate the victim by severing her ties to any outside resource, support, friends and family. He may keep the victim from having access to a vehicle, to a job, or to a phone.
CONTROLLING-A batterer may assume all control of the finances, thereby preventing victim from coming and going as she wishes.
"DUAL" PERSONALITY- A batterer may appear to be Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, he may be abusive, violent and moody and then suddenly become congenial. A batterer may be a Mr. Hyde ("just the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet') to the outside world and a Dr. Jekyl to his victim and the children.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS- A batterer may kick, throw, skin, burn or kill the family pet in front of the victim and her children.
BLAME OTHERS-A batterer may blame the victim for anything/everything that he perceives as "going wrong". A batterer may also blame the victim for his feelings: "You hurt me...you made me...you caused me...you never listen...you're stupid...you're crazy" etc
SEX- A batterer may restrain his victim against her will during sex. He may act our lurid fantasies when the victim is helpless. He may rape the victim by forcing sex while the victim is sleeping. He may demand sex when she is tired, ill or has just been battered.
HISTORY-A batterer has been abusive to other partners in the past.
CHILDREN-A batterer may expect children to perform beyond their capabilities and may punish them excessively. For example, a batterer may "whip" a 2-yr old for wetting his diaper.
Additional control tactics a batterer may use with children include:
TACTICS DURING THE RELATIONSHIP
1 Battering the victim in front of the children
2 Threatening to hurt or kill the victim in front of the children
3 Tell the children that the victim is responsible for her own abuse
4 "Justifying" his violence to the children
5 Telling the children that the victim is a horrid mother, stupid, trash, etc.
6 Employing other relatives (his) to speak badly of the victim to the children
7 Yelling at the victim when the children "misbehave" (bother him)
8 Coercing/manipulating the children into taking his side against the victim
9 Abusing or killing the children's pet(s) in front of them.
10 Using the children as his "confidants"
11 Threatening to commit suicide
12 Withholding money for the children's needs
13 Physically or sexually abusing the children
14 Threatening to take the children away from their mother.
15 Driving recklessly and/or when intoxicated with the children and/or the victim in the vechicle with him.
16 Abusing drugs and/or aclohol in front of the children; and
17 Coming home drunk, high, incapacitated
TACTICS AFTER SEPARATION
1 Asking the children intrusive questions about their mother
2 Asking the children whe the mother is "seeeing"
3 Blaming the victim for the breakup of the family
4 Telling the children that there cannot be a "family" because of the victim
5 Talking about all the horrible things the victim did to cause the breakup
6 Calling the victim's residence contstantly to " speak with his children
7 Showing up unexpectedly to see his children
8 Criticizing/demeaning/insulting victim's new partner
9 Intimidating and/or harassing the victim's new partner
10 Withholding child support and blaming the victim
11 Telling the children that he does pay their support, but the victim wastes it
12 Showering the children with gifts, allowing them to stay up all hours, and eat nothing but junk food while visiting him
13 Undermining the victim's rules for the children
14 Picking up the children at school without her knowledge
15 Keeping children longer than agreed upon
16 Abducting the children
17 Not showing up for agreed upon visitations and the blaming the victim for the "mix-up"
18 Blaming the victim for any emotional/health problems of the children
19 Telling the children that their mother, is a drunk, druggie, *****
20 Making frequent court dates to challenge the custody arrangements
21 Telling the children that their mother doesn't want them, she only wants them to make him suffer
22 Physically and/or sexually abusing the children while visiting him and then threatening them if the tell their mother
23 Abusing his new partner in front of the children; and
24 Changing visitation plans suddenly and/or frequently blaming the victim
I only pushed her, I didn't hit her.
She provoked me.
She has thin skin
She bruises easily
She was hysterical
I hardly touched her
She was high or drunk
I only slapped her, I didn't hit her
I had to restrain her
She was out of control
I was defending myself
It was an accident, her face hit my fist!
I was trying to keep her from leaving
She has mental problems/she is not taking her medication
.gif)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Big City East Coast
Posts: 119
Wow. Every single one of those, Live pertain to my mom's friends husband as well as his father. Every one.
The father is the one who molested me as a child. It is so weird that coming from an environment of a strong woman, and never, ever having seen any of those from my dad that I was also effected.
Better put my entire life was effected as well as that of my family, and my own daughter. I want to rip that person to shreds. All of them.
I could never figure out why this dear family friend stayed with this man. Now that I'm getting therapy I understand she was also a victim.
After all the years of friendship this man finally died. Not too long before his death I told her the truth after counseling advice. She believed me, she cried with me, and suddenly sort of recalled that time. Then this dude dies, and she has the gaul to tell me how sad his funeral was, and how heart wrenched she was as well as her daughter, my friend. Mind you I was sworn to never tell my friend her Pop did this although her mother recalled frightening events concerning her also. Well guess what.....my own mother who has been this woman's friend for over forty years.....kicked her right out the door of our home as well as her grandsons. This woman said "Shhhh. Little ears can hear", and my mom said "WHAT ABOUT KIMBERLY'S LITTLE EARS? MY LITTLE GIRL WAS RAPED". I have to say I was thankful, and proud of my mom. It helped me immensely. The Batterer affects everyone's life. Sorry for the rant.
The father is the one who molested me as a child. It is so weird that coming from an environment of a strong woman, and never, ever having seen any of those from my dad that I was also effected.
Better put my entire life was effected as well as that of my family, and my own daughter. I want to rip that person to shreds. All of them.
I could never figure out why this dear family friend stayed with this man. Now that I'm getting therapy I understand she was also a victim.
After all the years of friendship this man finally died. Not too long before his death I told her the truth after counseling advice. She believed me, she cried with me, and suddenly sort of recalled that time. Then this dude dies, and she has the gaul to tell me how sad his funeral was, and how heart wrenched she was as well as her daughter, my friend. Mind you I was sworn to never tell my friend her Pop did this although her mother recalled frightening events concerning her also. Well guess what.....my own mother who has been this woman's friend for over forty years.....kicked her right out the door of our home as well as her grandsons. This woman said "Shhhh. Little ears can hear", and my mom said "WHAT ABOUT KIMBERLY'S LITTLE EARS? MY LITTLE GIRL WAS RAPED". I have to say I was thankful, and proud of my mom. It helped me immensely. The Batterer affects everyone's life. Sorry for the rant.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Are you emotionally abused?
QUESTIONS FOR WOMEN TO ASK THEMSELVES
Many women find that emotional abuse is difficult to name or even talk about. They often wonder if it is serious because you can not see it, like broken bones or bruises. Emotionally abused women state that one of the biggest problems they face is that others seldom take it seriously. These questions will help you identify if you are being emotionally abused, and provide some ideas on what you can do about it.
WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE?
Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don't know how to describe it?
Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
Do you feel that you can not do anything right in your partner's eyes?
Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?
Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
Do you have to account for every minute of your time?
When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
Are you prevented from going to work or school?
Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?
If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don't deserve anything?
After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
Does he use the children against you in an argument? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?
HOW ARE YOU AFFECTED?
Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
Do you make excuses for your partner's behavior?
Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
Have you lost interest or energy to do things you used to do?
Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
Have you lost contact with friends, family or neighbors?
Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?
WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?
Recognize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.
Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.
Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.
Know that emotional abuse can lead to sexual and physical violence or death.
Know that you are not responsible for your partner's abusive behavior.
Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counseling.
Do not give up if traditional therapists are not helpful. Keep looking for someone who will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.
Many women find that emotional abuse is difficult to name or even talk about. They often wonder if it is serious because you can not see it, like broken bones or bruises. Emotionally abused women state that one of the biggest problems they face is that others seldom take it seriously. These questions will help you identify if you are being emotionally abused, and provide some ideas on what you can do about it.
WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE?
Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don't know how to describe it?
Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
Do you feel that you can not do anything right in your partner's eyes?
Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?
Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
Do you have to account for every minute of your time?
When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
Are you prevented from going to work or school?
Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?
If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don't deserve anything?
After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
Does he use the children against you in an argument? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?
HOW ARE YOU AFFECTED?
Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
Do you make excuses for your partner's behavior?
Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
Have you lost interest or energy to do things you used to do?
Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
Have you lost contact with friends, family or neighbors?
Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?
WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?
Recognize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.
Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.
Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.
Know that emotional abuse can lead to sexual and physical violence or death.
Know that you are not responsible for your partner's abusive behavior.
Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counseling.
Do not give up if traditional therapists are not helpful. Keep looking for someone who will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 1,356
Good thread live. I was emotionally abused for many many years. Not to mention the emotional abuse I brought on my self. Today however I have changed my life so much that I know longer live with emotional abuse. I am free from all sorts of abuse and emotional was one of the biggies. I pray others can free themselves from emotional abuse as i have and am deeply grateful for the chance to do so.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Clean and Sober
Posts: 156
Thank you for this thread. I feel I have been emotionally abused for years 20. I'm not sure what to do. Except I know I need to see a therapist to really figure out what to do. My husband has always controled me. And now that I lost my job it is worse. I was disabled 18 years ago with seizures, luckily I got off disability and found a job I was at for 7-8 years. It was easy. I got laid off. I tried and tried to look for jobs then I thought something more was wrong I had a neuropsych test done. There is signficiant damage done to my brain (cognitive) that is irreversible. Thursday I am going to Dept. of Vocational Rehabilitation and I am also going to apply for disability. I need a job that is slow. My husband has been verbally putting me down and threatening me by taking things away from me. What I don't know is if I would be better without him. It is starting to weigh on me and I am very depressed. He makes me feel like nothing but should I really be happy out there on my own or with my daughter and her son? I am so confused.
9:40 5K
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: yellow brick road
Posts: 85
emotional abuse
Hi ssindi,
I found a lot of help at this site:
http://www.verbalabuse.com/
(It's got resources for any type of abuse -- verbal, emotional, etc.) There's lots of great people on the boards, and you will be sure to realize very quickly that your are not crazy for feeling the way you do.
Strange coincidence that you bumped this thread today. I did not know it was here, and have just PM'd a newcomer on this topic earlier today.
I found a lot of help at this site:
http://www.verbalabuse.com/
(It's got resources for any type of abuse -- verbal, emotional, etc.) There's lots of great people on the boards, and you will be sure to realize very quickly that your are not crazy for feeling the way you do.
Strange coincidence that you bumped this thread today. I did not know it was here, and have just PM'd a newcomer on this topic earlier today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
thanks for the new resource tenK!
Verbal/psychological abuse has predictable effects. Most places have free women's clinics for counseling, I found this most helpful and worthwhile.
There are also additional posts at the top of this forum with information about abuse.
Good luck! You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. All the time.
hugs,
live
Verbal/psychological abuse has predictable effects. Most places have free women's clinics for counseling, I found this most helpful and worthwhile.
There are also additional posts at the top of this forum with information about abuse.
Good luck! You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. All the time.
hugs,
live
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Some practical tips
When you understand and acknowledge the danger signs of abusiveness, you may spare yourself and your partner years of pain and grief. If someone with whom you are involved with is accurately portrayed as abusive, it would be helpful for you to analyze the extent of his violent potential. The following are risk factors for danger in intimate relationships:
Your partner's description of his parents' --especially his father's rejecting or shaming behavior.
Your partner's or other family members' recollections of physical assault directed at him or at his mother.
Your partner's trauma symptoms, such as constant sleep disturbances and nightmares, memory losses for specific events, panic attacks, crying and depression
Your partner's alcohol or drug use to numb himself to his internal pain
Your partner's blaming orientation. Does he hold you responsible for his actions or feelings? Does he insist that everything is always your fault?
Your partner's cyclical mood swings that seem to have nothing to do with you but incorporate a theme of you being all good or all bad --a Madonna or a *****.
IF YOU BELIEVE YOUR PARTNER HAS SOME OF THESE RISK FACTORS, ask yourself the following questions:
Does he seem like two people, showing one face to his friends and the public and another to you in private?
Does he go through a cycle of buildup, explosion, and contrition?
Has he been violent with you? Once? Twice? Have these been isolated events tied to a particular triggering situation, or does his abusiveness seem to occur for no apparent reason?
Is his physical attack accompanied by verbal assaults, such as calling you a bitch, ****, *****, or ****?
Have there been circumstances (such as separations or jealousies) that might have triggered the violence? How did he behave? Did he behave like the men in the post violence and alcohol?
Have you ever missed work from the effects of abuse?
Have you ever used makeup or dark glasses to hide bruises, or have you covered up by making excuses to a doctor or coworker for injuries sustained during an attack?
Your partner's description of his parents' --especially his father's rejecting or shaming behavior.
Your partner's or other family members' recollections of physical assault directed at him or at his mother.
Your partner's trauma symptoms, such as constant sleep disturbances and nightmares, memory losses for specific events, panic attacks, crying and depression
Your partner's alcohol or drug use to numb himself to his internal pain
Your partner's blaming orientation. Does he hold you responsible for his actions or feelings? Does he insist that everything is always your fault?
Your partner's cyclical mood swings that seem to have nothing to do with you but incorporate a theme of you being all good or all bad --a Madonna or a *****.
IF YOU BELIEVE YOUR PARTNER HAS SOME OF THESE RISK FACTORS, ask yourself the following questions:
Does he seem like two people, showing one face to his friends and the public and another to you in private?
Does he go through a cycle of buildup, explosion, and contrition?
Has he been violent with you? Once? Twice? Have these been isolated events tied to a particular triggering situation, or does his abusiveness seem to occur for no apparent reason?
Is his physical attack accompanied by verbal assaults, such as calling you a bitch, ****, *****, or ****?
Have there been circumstances (such as separations or jealousies) that might have triggered the violence? How did he behave? Did he behave like the men in the post violence and alcohol?
Have you ever missed work from the effects of abuse?
Have you ever used makeup or dark glasses to hide bruises, or have you covered up by making excuses to a doctor or coworker for injuries sustained during an attack?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
If your partner has been violent repeatedly or his violence seems to be related to his personality - that is, accompanied by jealousy, blaming, and cyclical flareups - he will need help to stop. Although national surveys show that about one third of abusive men resist further attacks spontaneously, many of these men have hit their wives only once. Their violence is not personality-driven, and does not occur repeatedly or stem from within.
But if the abusiveness has already occured repeatedly, and if it takes more than one form - emotional as well as physical - it probably will not cease without outside intervention.
THE FIRST STEP in seeking that intervention is to ensure your own safety:
1 Call the police if you feel physically threatened.
2 Find or create a safe place in your home where you can barricade yourself in and which has access to a phone.
3 Carry a cellular phone for emergencies
4 Create a support network of friends and family to whom you can turn regardless of the hour or day.
It's important to tell your partner when you feel afraid. But when you do, ascertain if he can hear you. Does he acknowledge his anger not only in contrition phase but when YOU want to talk about it? Under no circumstances should you accept the blame for his being angry or abusive. These are his feelings and actions. If he cannot accept ownership of them, he will never change them.
Also bear in mind the personality-based abusiveness serves many purposes for the abuser:
1 It makes him feel powerful
2 It forges his shaky identity
3 It enables him to control you and "win" arguments with you.
Your partner is not likely to relinquish this habit easily.
But if the abusiveness has already occured repeatedly, and if it takes more than one form - emotional as well as physical - it probably will not cease without outside intervention.
THE FIRST STEP in seeking that intervention is to ensure your own safety:
1 Call the police if you feel physically threatened.
2 Find or create a safe place in your home where you can barricade yourself in and which has access to a phone.
3 Carry a cellular phone for emergencies
4 Create a support network of friends and family to whom you can turn regardless of the hour or day.
It's important to tell your partner when you feel afraid. But when you do, ascertain if he can hear you. Does he acknowledge his anger not only in contrition phase but when YOU want to talk about it? Under no circumstances should you accept the blame for his being angry or abusive. These are his feelings and actions. If he cannot accept ownership of them, he will never change them.
Also bear in mind the personality-based abusiveness serves many purposes for the abuser:
1 It makes him feel powerful
2 It forges his shaky identity
3 It enables him to control you and "win" arguments with you.
Your partner is not likely to relinquish this habit easily.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Baltimore Md.
Posts: 31
Hi everyone I'm new I posted in the newbie section of this forum. I find this post to be an eye opener for me. Yes I've been emotionally abused. It scares you to the core of mybeing. I'm caught up in a situation were I was seeing someone who had someone
else in the picture this devastated me. This person blames me for the reason this other person was in the pictureafter doing some investigation I found out this person was in the picture from day one. He still insist I was the cause and this person they were only friends. I know he has some feelingsfor me but not enogh to my liking.
I'm sitting here going through the motions trying to figure out what I need to do knowing I have these feelings.I know I don't want to settle for less.
else in the picture this devastated me. This person blames me for the reason this other person was in the pictureafter doing some investigation I found out this person was in the picture from day one. He still insist I was the cause and this person they were only friends. I know he has some feelingsfor me but not enogh to my liking.
I'm sitting here going through the motions trying to figure out what I need to do knowing I have these feelings.I know I don't want to settle for less.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Talking about their abusiveness generates shame in many men. And that, in turn, raises the anger level. DO NOT TRY TO BE YOUR PARTNER'S THERAPIST. Address your own fears of him. Make "I" statements such as "I get afraid (or irritated) when you raise your voice" rather than "you" statements such as "You're always shouting at me." Insist that he seek and obtain theapeutic help. If he backslides, let him know it. If he persists in backsliding, you should seriously consider leaving.
If you leave, you will need to have a plan of action. An important step is having a group of supportive women to whom you can talk to about your concerns and who can add an element of security to your life. It's best to live with other women for at least four months - one year is even better. This is a maximum risk period for stalking and continued violence, and you will need support and safety. If you feel harassed or believe you are being stalked, a restraining order can help.
Remember, you know your partner better than anyone else. Abusive men have idiosyncratic patterns of action. Some respond to a woman's threat to leave by seeking help. Others become more unstable and beligerent. You will have to make these determinations in planning your strategy. If you are going to leave, make sure you are safe before you announce your intention to your partner. And make note of his reaction for future reference. Some men never relinquish their abusiveness, others change dramatically, and most relapse on the way to change.
Could you handle a relapse? Has your partner already promised to change repeatedly and relapsed just as often? If so, why are you staying
I offer these questions only as guides to analyzing your own situation. The decision to stay or leave is yours alone. It is a difficult one. If this book has helped you better understand the basis of your partner's abusiveness, you can make a more informed decision
From: The Batterer, a psychological profile by Donald G Dutton, PhD
If you leave, you will need to have a plan of action. An important step is having a group of supportive women to whom you can talk to about your concerns and who can add an element of security to your life. It's best to live with other women for at least four months - one year is even better. This is a maximum risk period for stalking and continued violence, and you will need support and safety. If you feel harassed or believe you are being stalked, a restraining order can help.
Remember, you know your partner better than anyone else. Abusive men have idiosyncratic patterns of action. Some respond to a woman's threat to leave by seeking help. Others become more unstable and beligerent. You will have to make these determinations in planning your strategy. If you are going to leave, make sure you are safe before you announce your intention to your partner. And make note of his reaction for future reference. Some men never relinquish their abusiveness, others change dramatically, and most relapse on the way to change.
Could you handle a relapse? Has your partner already promised to change repeatedly and relapsed just as often? If so, why are you staying
I offer these questions only as guides to analyzing your own situation. The decision to stay or leave is yours alone. It is a difficult one. If this book has helped you better understand the basis of your partner's abusiveness, you can make a more informed decision
From: The Batterer, a psychological profile by Donald G Dutton, PhD
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