Tactics used by abusive people

[liveweyerd]

VERBAL ABUSE- A batterer may say things that are cruel, deameaning and hurtful. He may also curse or degrade the victim's accomplishments.

BREAK OR HIT OBJECTS- A batterer may break household items, punch holes in walls or break down doors to scare the victim.

FORCE - A batterer may use force during the argument. He may hold her down physcially to keep her from leaving, push or shove her, or threaten to hurt her is she tries to leave.

ROLES - A batterer expects his victim to be submissive. A batterer may see women as inferior to men, stupid and unable to achieve full personhood without a man. A batterer may expect his victim to do menial tasks (putting his socks on for him, getting him a beer before the one he has is empty, cleaning the toilet after he has fouled all over it.)

COMMITMENT- In some cases, a batterer may pressure his victim to commit to their relationship quickly, moving in together, getting engaged or getting married.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS- A batterer may expect his victim to meet all his needs, to take care of all his emotional and physical needs (male entitlement)

JEALOUSY- A batterer may question a victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting and/or having affairs, or become jealous of the time she spends with others including her children.

ISOLATION- A batterer may isolate the victim by severing her ties to any outside resource, support, friends and family. He may keep the victim from having access to a vehicle, to a job, or to a phone.

CONTROLLING-A batterer may assume all control of the finances, thereby preventing victim from coming and going as she wishes.

"DUAL" PERSONALITY- A batterer may appear to be Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, he may be abusive, violent and moody and then suddenly become congenial. A batterer may be a Mr. Hyde ("just the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet') to the outside world and a Dr. Jekyl to his victim and the children.

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS- A batterer may kick, throw, skin, burn or kill the family pet in front of the victim and her children.

BLAME OTHERS-A batterer may blame the victim for anything/everything that he perceives as "going wrong". A batterer may also blame the victim for his feelings: "You hurt me...you made me...you caused me...you never listen...you're stupid...you're crazy" etc

SEX- A batterer may restrain his victim against her will during sex. He may act our lurid fantasies when the victim is helpless. He may rape the victim by forcing sex while the victim is sleeping. He may demand sex when she is tired, ill or has just been battered.

HISTORY-A batterer has been abusive to other partners in the past.

CHILDREN-A batterer may expect children to perform beyond their capabilities and may punish them excessively. For example, a batterer may "whip" a 2-yr old for wetting his diaper.
Additional control tactics a batterer may use with children include:

TACTICS DURING THE RELATIONSHIP
1 Battering the victim in front of the children
2 Threatening to hurt or kill the victim in front of the children
3 Tell the children that the victim is responsible for her own abuse
4 "Justifying" his violence to the children
5 Telling the children that the victim is a horrid mother, stupid, trash, etc.
6 Employing other relatives (his) to speak badly of the victim to the children
7 Yelling at the victim when the children "misbehave" (bother him)
8 Coercing/manipulating the children into taking his side against the victim
9 Abusing or killing the children's pet(s) in front of them.
10 Using the children as his "confidants"
11 Threatening to commit suicide
12 Withholding money for the children's needs
13 Physically or sexually abusing the children
14 Threatening to take the children away from their mother.
15 Driving recklessly and/or when intoxicated with the children and/or the victim in the vechicle with him.
16 Abusing drugs and/or aclohol in front of the children; and
17 Coming home drunk, high, incapacitated

TACTICS AFTER SEPARATION
1 Asking the children intrusive questions about their mother
2 Asking the children whe the mother is "seeeing"
3 Blaming the victim for the breakup of the family
4 Telling the children that there cannot be a "family" because of the victim
5 Talking about all the horrible things the victim did to cause the breakup
6 Calling the victim's residence contstantly to " speak with his children
7 Showing up unexpectedly to see his children
8 Criticizing/demeaning/insulting victim's new partner
9 Intimidating and/or harassing the victim's new partner
10 Withholding child support and blaming the victim
11 Telling the children that he does pay their support, but the victim wastes it
12 Showering the children with gifts, allowing them to stay up all hours, and eat nothing but junk food while visiting him
13 Undermining the victim's rules for the children
14 Picking up the children at school without her knowledge
15 Keeping children longer than agreed upon
16 Abducting the children
17 Not showing up for agreed upon visitations and the blaming the victim for the "mix-up"
18 Blaming the victim for any emotional/health problems of the children
19 Telling the children that their mother, is a drunk, druggie, *****
20 Making frequent court dates to challenge the custody arrangements
21 Telling the children that their mother doesn't want them, she only wants them to make him suffer
22 Physically and/or sexually abusing the children while visiting him and then threatening them if the tell their mother
23 Abusing his new partner in front of the children; and
24 Changing visitation plans suddenly and/or frequently blaming the victim


I only pushed her, I didn't hit her.
She provoked me.
She has thin skin
She bruises easily
She was hysterical
I hardly touched her
She was high or drunk
I only slapped her, I didn't hit her
I had to restrain her
She was out of control
I was defending myself
It was an accident, her face hit my fist!
I was trying to keep her from leaving
She has mental problems/she is not taking her medication

[WorriedWife]

~hug~

[nodope]

Wow. Every single one of those, Live pertain to my mom's friends husband as well as his father. Every one.

The father is the one who molested me as a child. It is so weird that coming from an environment of a strong woman, and never, ever having seen any of those from my dad that I was also effected.

Better put my entire life was effected as well as that of my family, and my own daughter. I want to rip that person to shreds. All of them.

I could never figure out why this dear family friend stayed with this man. Now that I'm getting therapy I understand she was also a victim.

After all the years of friendship this man finally died. Not too long before his death I told her the truth after counseling advice. She believed me, she cried with me, and suddenly sort of recalled that time. Then this dude dies, and she has the gaul to tell me how sad his funeral was, and how heart wrenched she was as well as her daughter, my friend. Mind you I was sworn to never tell my friend her Pop did this although her mother recalled frightening events concerning her also. Well guess what.....my own mother who has been this woman's friend for over forty years.....kicked her right out the door of our home as well as her grandsons. This woman said "Shhhh. Little ears can hear", and my mom said "WHAT ABOUT KIMBERLY'S LITTLE EARS? MY LITTLE GIRL WAS RAPED". I have to say I was thankful, and proud of my mom. It helped me immensely. The Batterer affects everyone's life. Sorry for the rant.

[hawkgazer]

Needed to read this today, I called my husband yesterday after 5+ months of separation with a restraining order b/c I found out he's seeing someone else and it threw me -- I begged him to come back, for counseling, all that - it was awful. And he was so many things on that list. My heart and my head have been so far away rfom each other. thank you.

It was liberating to read this. My husband is not a horrible monster but he does employ a few of the tactics mentioned. I may have given him reason for some of the things he does but I know I deserve better. I wish he could be more like the kind and sensitive man he was when I met him and that he is to others...including total strangers. My main problem with him are his mood swings...severe. My 13 year old son exhibits these traits too and that kills me. Sometimes I think if he would just walk thru the door and slap me around, then that would be better than hours or even days of walking around with this chip on his shoulder -- like I've done him so wrong and he hates me. Then ~ SNAP ~ all of a sudden he comes out of it and is the most affectionate person in the world. I tremble inside when he is pulling in the driveway after work, wondering and hoping and praying that he is in a good mood. The doc tried to put him on Prozac and he wouldn't take it. I don't know if I should talk to the doc about him or not. He is an alcoholic and drug addict (pot only) and I am a drug addict. My poor kids...the stuff they have to see and hear. I should've left years ago I guess.
Anyways, I'm rambling. Just good to unload...don't like to let my family know what's going on. They love him and I want them to continue to love him. I don't think it's right to run to your family in a fight. Because after you make up, the family still has this bad image of him. I've been trying to work thru a serious question I believe I heard from dr. phil...How much is it costing you to be in this relationship? If it's costing you your self-esteem, your self-worth, your hopes and dreams, then the price is too high!

[Roxann]

TY for sharing this teach. Powerful words, I hope they can help soneone break free.

[Kahlia]

I can HONESTLY say that I checked off everyone of those.....my ex was a Dr and very abusive, verbally, mentally and sexually. He went throught the "honeymoon" phase a lot. Hit me and then love me.....I have been gone 5 years and I do NOT miss him. I have forgiven him as it only kept me angry to not. He is sick and needs help. I am sick and got help.....thank my HP for that....I wish anyone in an abusive relationship could read this post.....I went into a women's shelter after leaving and on the wall was a poster. The poster was of a women lying in a casket. It read "THE ONLY TIME HE EVER SENT HER FLOWERS....." It chilled me to the bone and I will never forget that was my turning point. They asked me all the questions that you wrote and I, embarressed, answered every one with a check mark. It amazed me how much power I gave him to abuse me. I found out that after I took some resonsibility for staying and LETTING him abuse me, the anger started to die...thank you so much of once again reminding me of just how very lucky and healthy I am......Kahlia

[cgnotme]

Thanks.I really needed to read this today.My ex,an addict of course, has been employing some of these tactics to try and get me back.I knew I was feeling crazy but I didn't know why. I'm so tired of this and literally hanging on by a string to my sobriety.I'm so frustrated.I want to do whats best for my child, but I know he will never change and he is still a sick person .An extremely emotionally abusive person.Thanks again.Now I don't feel crazy.

[Alongtimegone]

Live - so many of your posts have been relevant to my own experience, and this one was no exception. I thank you!

Just this week, my ex was thrown in jail because of his meth use. What a scary drug! He had called me and members of my family shortly before his arrest. He was looking for my daughter and granddaughter so he could "get right" with God.

I did not realize, until I knew he was in jail and couldn't get out, how much his progressing craziness still had an impact on me. Though I am mainly a gentle soul, I found myself prepared to get a gun and use it should he have tried to harm my girls. It was a tough concept to deal with, but not so tough when I thought about the very real threat to their safety.

When I found out he was behind bars and could not get out, I cried tears of relief. I actually went out tonight and met friends, without looking over my shoulder the whole time, for the first time in 3 years.

I am not entirely sure what I want to say here, other than, nearly 2 years after our divorce, this man still manages to meance and control me. Even though he is whacked out, he chose the target he knew would hit me the hardest - my family. I have ceased to ask myself why, and now ask how I can make each day a good and happy place to be. It is much easier to do so when I know he is locked up, and cannot make phone calls and surprise appearances.

Hope all of you on the board are well, and thanks so much for being here!!!!

[splendra]

What I wish were changed about your post is the abuser can be a woman and women are not excluded from using these tactics especially with their children....I have lived with it and seen this in women and I don't think it should be over looked...

[Kahlia]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

VERBAL ABUSE- A batterer may say things that are cruel, deameaning and hurtful. He may also curse or degrade the victim's accomplishments.

BREAK OR HIT OBJECTS- A batterer may break household items, punch holes in walls or break down doors to scare the victim.

FORCE - A batterer may use force during the argument. He may hold her down physcially to keep her from leaving, push or shove her, or threaten to hurt her is she tries to leave.

ROLES - A batterer expects his victim to be submissive. A batterer may see women as inferior to men, stupid and unable to achieve full personhood without a man. A batterer may expect his victim to do menial tasks (putting his socks on for him, getting him a beer before the one he has is empty, cleaning the toilet after he has fouled all over it.)

COMMITMENT- In some cases, a batterer may pressure his victim to commit to their relationship quickly, moving in together, getting engaged or getting married.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS- A batterer may expect his victim to meet all his needs, to take care of all his emotional and physical needs (male entitlement)

JEALOUSY- A batterer may question a victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting and/or having affairs, or become jealous of the time she spends with others including her children.

ISOLATION- A batterer may isolate the victim by severing her ties to any outside resource, support, friends and family. He may keep the victim from having access to a vehicle, to a job, or to a phone.

CONTROLLING-A batterer may assume all control of the finances, thereby preventing victim from coming and going as she wishes.

"DUAL" PERSONALITY- A batterer may appear to be Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, he may be abusive, violent and moody and then suddenly become congenial. A batterer may be a Mr. Hyde ("just the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet') to the outside world and a Dr. Jekyl to his victim and the children.

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS- A batterer may kick, throw, skin, burn or kill the family pet in front of the victim and her children.

BLAME OTHERS-A batterer may blame the victim for anything/everything that he perceives as "going wrong". A batterer may also blame the victim for his feelings: "You hurt me...you made me...you caused me...you never listen...you're stupid...you're crazy" etc

SEX- A batterer may restrain his victim against her will during sex. He may act our lurid fantasies when the victim is helpless. He may rape the victim by forcing sex while the victim is sleeping. He may demand sex when she is tired, ill or has just been battered.

HISTORY-A batterer has been abusive to other partners in the past.

CHILDREN-A batterer may expect children to perform beyond their capabilities and may punish them excessively. For example, a batterer may "whip" a 2-yr old for wetting his diaper.
Additional control tactics a batterer may use with children include:

TACTICS DURING THE RELATIONSHIP
1 Battering the victim in front of the children
2 Threatening to hurt or kill the victim in front of the children
3 Tell the children that the victim is responsible for her own abuse
4 "Justifying" his violence to the children
5 Telling the children that the victim is a horrid mother, stupid, trash, etc.
6 Employing other relatives (his) to speak badly of the victim to the children
7 Yelling at the victim when the children "misbehave" (bother him)
8 Coercing/manipulating the children into taking his side against the victim
9 Abusing or killing the children's pet(s) in front of them.
10 Using the children as his "confidants"
11 Threatening to commit suicide
12 Withholding money for the children's needs
13 Physically or sexually abusing the children
14 Threatening to take the children away from their mother.
15 Driving recklessly and/or when intoxicated with the children and/or the victim in the vechicle with him.
16 Abusing drugs and/or aclohol in front of the children; and
17 Coming home drunk, high, incapacitated

TACTICS AFTER SEPARATION
1 Asking the children intrusive questions about their mother
2 Asking the children whe the mother is "seeeing"
3 Blaming the victim for the breakup of the family
4 Telling the children that there cannot be a "family" because of the victim
5 Talking about all the horrible things the victim did to cause the breakup
6 Calling the victim's residence contstantly to " speak with his children
7 Showing up unexpectedly to see his children
8 Criticizing/demeaning/insulting victim's new partner
9 Intimidating and/or harassing the victim's new partner
10 Withholding child support and blaming the victim
11 Telling the children that he does pay their support, but the victim wastes it
12 Showering the children with gifts, allowing them to stay up all hours, and eat nothing but junk food while visiting him
13 Undermining the victim's rules for the children
14 Picking up the children at school without her knowledge
15 Keeping children longer than agreed upon
16 Abducting the children
17 Not showing up for agreed upon visitations and the blaming the victim for the "mix-up"
18 Blaming the victim for any emotional/health problems of the children
19 Telling the children that their mother, is a drunk, druggie, *****
20 Making frequent court dates to challenge the custody arrangements
21 Telling the children that their mother doesn't want them, she only wants them to make him suffer
22 Physically and/or sexually abusing the children while visiting him and then threatening them if the tell their mother
23 Abusing his new partner in front of the children; and
24 Changing visitation plans suddenly and/or frequently blaming the victim


I only pushed her, I didn't hit her.
She provoked me.
She has thin skin
She bruises easily
She was hysterical
I hardly touched her
She was high or drunk
I only slapped her, I didn't hit her
I had to restrain her
She was out of control
I was defending myself
It was an accident, her face hit my fist!
I was trying to keep her from leaving
She has mental problems/she is not taking her medication

THAT took a lot of work...thank you...I had an abusive ex BF while I was using...ALL of those apply to him.....he is sick and I pray for him now that I ano longer available for him to use me as a punching bag.....he is still abusive and I have done a lot of research also on abuse....usually they never get better unless they get EXTENSIVE therapy....narcissitic personalities....YIKES.....Kahlia

[Kahlia]

Originally Posted by Alongtimegone

Live - so many of your posts have been relevant to my own experience, and this one was no exception. I thank you!

Just this week, my ex was thrown in jail because of his meth use. What a scary drug! He had called me and members of my family shortly before his arrest. He was looking for my daughter and granddaughter so he could "get right" with God.

I did not realize, until I knew he was in jail and couldn't get out, how much his progressing craziness still had an impact on me. Though I am mainly a gentle soul, I found myself prepared to get a gun and use it should he have tried to harm my girls. It was a tough concept to deal with, but not so tough when I thought about the very real threat to their safety.

When I found out he was behind bars and could not get out, I cried tears of relief. I actually went out tonight and met friends, without looking over my shoulder the whole time, for the first time in 3 years.

I am not entirely sure what I want to say here, other than, nearly 2 years after our divorce, this man still manages to meance and control me. Even though he is whacked out, he chose the target he knew would hit me the hardest - my family. I have ceased to ask myself why, and now ask how I can make each day a good and happy place to be. It is much easier to do so when I know he is locked up, and cannot make phone calls and surprise appearances.

Hope all of you on the board are well, and thanks so much for being here!!!!

I am wondering if you have a restraining order against him so he cannot harrass you and why haven't you changed your phone number? I did all those things and my ex leaves me alone OR he goes to jail....it is HIS choice...just concerned about him still calling and you thinking about loading a gun. I actually did load a 38 revolver and dared him to come upstairs...at the time I was sooo sick, I would have definately shot him. He is lucky he stayed put.....do not do it, it will only hurt you children if you get locked up....Kahlia

[Alongtimegone]

I have thought about it, but he is so far removed from reality I wasn't sure if it would do any good or not. He is delusional most of the time, and I am not certain he would remember even being served with one.

He is certain he is radioactive, has people living in his attic, etc., so anything rational does not sink in for him.

I hear from him about every three months. Just about the time I think he is going to leave me alone, he calls or drops me a note. I don't take his calls, as I didn't with the last one. What really upset me about it was his fixation on my daughter and grandaughter. If he did try to hurt them, I would do everything I could to try to stop him.

Fortunately, he is in jail now, and soon to be transfered to an inpatient treatment facility, for which I am very thankful.

[kellisch]

Originally Posted by Alongtimegone

He is certain he is radioactive, has people living in his attic, etc., so anything rational does not sink in for him.

Fortunately, he is in jail now, and soon to be transfered to an inpatient treatment facility, for which I am very thankful.

Even though this person sounds schizophrenic, you absolutely did what you had to keep yourself safe.

My ex was a Vietnam vet, and suffered from PTSD, and I went through a lot of the same things you did. It was a horrible time, and took me a long time to be able to not be afraid all the time. When I got together with my present boyfreind everytime he moved towards me I flinched. He always used to ask why. I had told him what happened to me, but I guess he just couldn't understand at that time (he does now) how the way I lived affected me. Using drugs was a way to cope with the madness. The only problem was that even after the madness ended I had a habit. Thank God, that now I have 7 years clean today. And in a few days I'll have a birthday, thanks to sobriety.
I wish everyone who has been in this situation the very best. Stay strong.
Kelli

[liveweyerd]

I think it is so important for us to be able to identify and name what is happening, to have it explained and validated because we are so confused and often reacting or trying to prevent the chaos, to fix things. With understanding we can begin to know ourselves, our own minds and hearts again, and to act far more effectively.

Paulie, is this post in a stickie? I regard this as important info and relevant in many women's lives.

hugs,
live

[4health]

I think it should be in a sticky and I am not sure this belongs only in the womens room. My stepdad was extremely abusive. He is a horrible man and I thank God he hasn't seen me since graduated highschool! I lived with other family members my last 2 years of highschool and haven't seen him since the day I graduated highschool.

He always blamed his abuse on my mom but she's down right loony in her own right. I have nothing to do with either of them and they have nothing to do with each other now.

I now have a wonderful relationship with my biological dad and my wondeful loving stepmom. She is the mom I always thought I should have. A mother that would love you unconditionally and for who you are.

[DebInTexas]

Thank you, Splendra! I was afraid I'd be the only one (as is often the case) to point out that women are batterers, too! I have met very few people that do not personally know a man who has been battered by a female partner. And I'm guessing the few that think they don't know a man like that simply are not aware because it's harder for men to tell such things.

Addicts are big targets for abuse. Many of us became addicts partially due to abuse. And I guarantee that most of US have exhibited some of these traits, in more than one relationship.

VERY IMPORTANT THREAD! Thank you!

Love to all of you!
Deborah

[sober1_94]

Deb and Splendra
My mother was a violent, abusive witch!!!! Yes, women are also abuser's!!!
What she put my Dad through is unreal and unbelievable.

[ODAT]

I think its important to remember that there is a difference between behavior and the person who uses a form of behavior.

The thing that is wrong is the behavior--not the person, and the separation of the behavior from the person enables us to love the person and to still seek an end to the behavior. It also helps us to realize that often times, when we focus our attention on what 'he' or 'she' is doing or has done, we tend to forget what it is that we ourselves are doing or have done.

I was made aware of the honeymoon, stress, outburst/episode triangle of abuse, yet I was unaware of another triangle which also describes the abusive dance. That one being of the rescuer, perpetrator, victimn triangle. In this triangle, BOTH people in the relationship do and say different things from all sides of the triangle--exchanging the roles frequently and freely between each other. One will play the victimn to the others rescuing for example and then feeling like the victimn will 'behave' in a mana which is that of the perpetrator.

I think it also important to point out that not all abusive behavior is loud, or 'offensive' in nature--ie they don't all swear and yell etc. Putting the partner down can take the form of much subtlety--a word or a gesture or an inflection in the voice can change the dynamic of what is being said to something else. One thing I used to hate about my ex was when he would say things like "a rational person would not object to such and such"...no direct name-calling being done, yet the implication was still very much of a "you are not being rational--you are irrational" even though according to every one of the women in the group I was attending, it was perfectly rational for me to expect that he not have affairs etc etc. I later learned that my fear of being thought of as 'irrational' by him was something that he had used to control so much of the behaviors that he was doing which were abusive or at least thoughtless in nature--things like constantly changing access times and days at the last minute etc etc.

The longer I have been in recovery, the more I tend to look at my own emotional states and my own behavior and the more I find that there are areas that I need to work on. There are times when I am impatient, judgemental and harsh towards even myself and I am beginning to realize that this is still abuse--granted I am no longer with an 'abusive' partner--yet, I still can be abusive towards myself. I expect way too much at times of myself and then can get very down and harsh towards me. I also expect a lot more of my husband than at times he can give--and I have to be careful in how I am behaving towards him when he doesn't live up to my expectations.

Understanding how I can expect too much or think that he is an idiot (for example) because he does't get something as quickly as I like--is abusive in nature--makes it far easier for me to forgive some of the stuff I went through in the past and with past partners. It helps me to understand that often times his behavior was done out of frustration and fear and an inability to use words to explain what he was needing. It doesn't mean that I condone what he did--but it does help me to forgive and let some of the anger and my own resentments go.

[liveweyerd]

Thank you Taira

[klouise]

I could check may of those off to describe my husband. However, my husband can be the sweetest man ever too. I could check off even more of