What I accomplished

[51anna]

I accomplished one thing this year and I owe loads of gratitude to Paulie for her wise advice.

I was struggling so much with guilt, even after being sober for 3 years. I couldn't shake it and the feelings and memories would creep into my mind over and over again, often out of the blue. Paulie suggested keeping a journal and I had thought of that and rejected the idea because writing things down would have made them too real to me. So, I stalled. But, January 1 I began to write everything as it came into my mind. If I was out, I would write it down when I got home. Before long, I noticed that the specific things I had written in my journal no longer came into my mind. I won't say it was easy, sometimes I fought against seeing things in writing. Sometimes I thought I couldn't write fast enough and sometimes I thought the need to write would never end. But, I stuck with it and by September I realized things had changed. Now as the year ends I no longer carry all the guilt and shame of the past on my shoulders each day. Oh, there are still occasional lapses, but I have begun to truly forgive myself.

It's amazing to be able to look back over a year and say to myself that 'yes' I really did accomplish something positive this year. I am a better person at the end of the year than at the beginning. For so many, many years I seemed to be stuck in one place and never wanted to try anything challenging because I just thought I would fail.

I have so much gratitude for Paulie and all you wonderful women at SR for your sincere caring and generosity. We help each other every day!

Happy New Year,

Love, Anna

[Evanna]

Thanks for posting this Anna. I took a lot of hope from reading it. I also suffer with this guilt and get plagued by continual memories with very vivid feelings attached. While these served a purpose in helping me stay clean in the early days (i knew without doubt what i did not want to go back to) i now feel that they have outgrown their usefulness and are counterproductive. Mostly i just feel overwhelmed and generally low when they surface these days. Was really helpful just to hear that someone else understands this and i will try to pluck up courage for the journal thing.

The journal must be an incredibly tough and brave thing to do. Brilliant that you are acknowledging this accomplishment and that the coming New Year marks out this milestone for you. What a great start to this year!

Best Wishes,
Evanna.

[namommy]

Anna,

I am so happy for you and your accomplishment. It takes alot of courage to look at ourselves. I can be a difficult yet wonderful journey.