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|07-16-2002, 07:57 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Sober Mom, scared for my children
I'm Diane, an alcoholic. I have 5 children, 3 grown adults in their early 20's and 2 under 10. I have 4 years clean, thanks to the grace of a loving God. My concern is not for my young children as they have the opportunity to be raised by me now healthy, but it is for my older children who are making bad choices.
It is what they learned, I imagine. One, chooses bad relationships, another, chooses drugs & is now pregnant, and one has two children and is 20 and stuggling through life without support as she wants it that way.
I want to know how I could undo the damage, I spent 16 years trying to get out of my head, and I don't want to pass that on to my children. Is it too late, I have already made amends to them and they love the new me, what can I do?
|07-16-2002, 09:46 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Welcome to the forums.
I think you are doing what you can do. You love your children and they know you love them. You are supportive and they know you're there.
It won't help them if you feel responsible and guilty about their choices. You did the best you could raising them and now they have to make their own choices and suffer their own consequences.
I am the mother of an addict/alcoholic. The one thing that has helped him the most is when I stopped taking responsibility for his problems. I put it all back on him and he had to take responsibility for his own choices.
We have alanon and naranon boards with a lot of good reading material that helps us learn to establish boundaries.
It is not your job to fix their lives. We've all tried it and it just doesn't work.
Take it a day at a time and be supportive and continue to love them. Set your boundaries and take care of yourself. You deserve the good stuff. You've raised 5 children. Stop and give yourself credit for the good things you did for your children.
|07-16-2002, 04:39 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
You are already doing the best thing you could possibly do - you are setting an example. You do not have to do any more than that for your adult children - if they blame the past for their mistakes, then they are in denial and we know all about that one.
But you say you have made amends and they love the new you, so be proud of that and remain the living proof that there is help and a place of hope called recovery.
My son is an addict, and my good intentions enabled him for years. His serious attempts at recovery came after I let go and found my own program for codependency. He has been in and out of the "revolving door" and is out there right now, and all I can do is pray and encourage him if he calls me. He know where help is and he knows all the phone numbers...so it is now between him and God and totally out of my hands.
Good Luck and God Bless
A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. ~Maya Angelou
|07-18-2002, 04:56 AM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Dayton, OH,USA
Ultimely we are all responsible for our own life. I don't blame my parents for all my screw-ups. In fact I sat back when I was a kid and watched my drunk father and I remember saying to my brother, I am never going to be like him, and my brother replied, me neither, and guess what! We both turned out to be alcoholics. And that was our choice to pick up and drink and smoke dope. I have grown children in their late teens, early 20's, and life is one big party. I know anything I say will go in one ear and out the other, I can bitch till I'm blue, and they'll still do what they want. All I can do now is never let them see me use, but I still slip up from time to time. Adult children have to make their own choices and learn from their mistakes in their own way, not your way. Just be there for them, and that's about all you can do. What kills me is once you turn 18, the world considers you an adult, but you're not, you're still a kid.
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