just feel like talking...

[SamanthaK]

i know they recommend not to get into a relationship the first yr of sobriety, but what if it just happens? i was in rehab in kansas city and then i moved here (colorado) to a sober living home. there was a man in the program here who is also from kansas city. one of the "rules" is no fraternizing, well, i ran into this guy one night and felt an intense connection with him. he's been sober 7 months and i've been sober 4 months. i feel that it's a higher power thing that is drawing us together. i pray and pray about it and when i ask god if this is his will and if it is to please show me, something happens that makes me believe that it's a higher power thing and that it is in his will, even if it's only temporary. for example...one night, i was sick, and we had to smoke outside...which i shouldn't have been doing with a 102 degree temp, but somehow i got locked out of the house...so here i am, sick, in my robe and pajamas, locked out...well, dave said he was in a meeting and got this weird, intense feeling that he needed to check on me, and he came over...well, we was able to pop the lock and get me in. had he not felt like he had to come over to check on me, i would have had to wait 6 hours until my roommates got home...it's weird stuff like that...anyway, this guy is 13 yrs older then me and he respects me and understands me and is so serious about his sobriety, i was kind of wondering if anyone had any advice for me....

[In memory of miracle]

Samantha-It is suggested we dont get into relationships for the first year.Number one it is a big distraction and stirs up a lot of feelings while we have little or no coping skills,it could be a very real threat to your sobriety and your life.In the past it has never worked out for me.It might be a good idea if you talked to your sponser or counseler about it.I wish you the best,Bless,Trish

[rogersgirl6937]

Samantha,
I feel for you girl. Relationships can be one of our biggest obstacles. And thinking our HP has brought us together with someone is one way our addiction gets the better of us. I'm speaking from experience. Here's the strength and hope: if it is your HPs will, time will not change that...so don't rush it. We addicts have a tendency to be terribly impulsive--we want what we want when we want it. And we hurt ourselves in the process. Take Trish's suggestion and talk with your sponsor or counselor. Talk to other recovering addicts, like you're doing here, and get their experience, strength and hope. Take the time to get to know this guy and put off the physical aspects of a relationship for a while. Unfortunately, we addicts have broken pickers and usually end up with someone sicker than we are. Put me in Arrowhead Stadium on game day and I can pick out the sickest guy there to get into a relationship with. Just be cautious, put your recovery first, keep praying for HPs will for your life, and keep talking and sharing with your support net. Things will happen as they're supposed to...they always do. God bless you and congrats on your 4 months. You are a miracle!

Love and Fellowship,
rogersgirl6937

[boop64132]

Although Im not sure what advice to offer,I wish you the best of luck.
Sometimes the answer is right in front of us,and we refuse to see it.

Some of us in recovery try and see something,or hold onto something that is not really good for us.Only you know how you truly feel.
I say follow your heart.And keep praying.

[Evanna]

Hugs Samantha. What worries me mostly about this situation is that you mention that you are in a safe house that doesnt allow relationships. Not sure if i have understood you correctly but does this mean that if you get into a relationship with this guy you could be asked to leave? It frightens me that you might jeapordise a safe living situation here. I am with Trish on this one....talk to a counsellor or sponser about this.

Best wishes Evanna.

[splendra]

((((Sam))))

One of the reasons that it is advised that we not start a new relationship for the first year is that it takes a year for us to get our brains out of hock.

Looking for signs from God can lead us to make many mistakes. Did you ever think that God let the door be locked behind you? Maybe you could've learned a real good lesson about smoking if your friend had not shown up....you did put another addiction before your own health. I can see where the devil might want to keep you from looking at that....

I belive that God wants you to be clean and wants you to not give into any temptation that would take your focus off of your sobriety. He wants you to allow your body to be His temple. Sometimes temptation feels like Gods will because we do not really want what is good for us and if we did there would be no addiction......

[bubblze30]

Oh samantha I had two daves early in recovery. If this is meant to be he will have no problem waiting a year while you work on yourself. If you get involved you forget about you and you is the most important thing at this moment you need top stay clean you need to work on you (no we) you need to learn to love you before you can have a healthy relationship. Ask him to wait the eight months more and if you are destend to be together you will but take this time for you.

P.S. Me and my Dave met in a Program it lasted about three years two of them were using years and we seperated when I went into a proram and he relapsed and was using. He ended his life in an overdose while we were seperated and I was in a program...I still have love inside for him but it would have never worked no matter what we tried it was a mistake from day one. I am sure he is in heaven saying the same thing. He was about fourteen years older then me. What a coinsidence. Or did God put me at the right place in the right time to see this and for me to give you advise and caution to wait the eight months and then give it a shot.

[Anna]

Hi Samantha,

I guess the responses are not what you wanted to hear and I'll add my two cents worth. I'm 4 years sober now and I have changed SO much, especially in the past year or so. Give yourself some time with yourself. I wish you well.

Love, Anna

[cj.]

Hey Samantha:

When I first got clean, I remember having this same conversation with my sponsor. She bluntly told me "Don't believe everything you think!! Look where you ended up because of it. What makes you assume that you have anything to offer someone, anyhow?!!"

Harsh words, yes, but she spoke the truth. I was still living from my diseased thinking and would have put some poor guy through my bullsh*t!! I decided that I had to get well first so that someday I might have something worthwhile to offer. It was one of the better decisions that I have made in my recovery because I have watched people get involved in relationships early in recovery, only to find that they had made a mistake and a lot of people got hurt because of it.

I think it is best to take some time for yourself to find out who you are before allowing some man to come into your life at a time when you are just beginning to define your true self. It's really easy to take the focus off yourself and try to be the person that you think someone else needs or wants you to be.

Just my opinion,
cj

[SamanthaK]

thank you everyone, the responses are the ones i expected, i guess that i just really needed to hear it from other people...my sponsor suggests that i don't but she feels that he's in my life for a reason and for me to learn from it all...i don't know...

[falcon]

Hi, I've just read your post and maybe this is a bit late to say something, but I don't entirely agree. Sometimes knowing someone who is going through what you are is often the key to a successful recovery. Even though a relationship may not be the best idea companionship is. A connection like yours in not one to ignore, if you feel so strongly and get to know this bloke. If its mean't to be then in the interim companionship will be enough and knowing that maybe six months a year down the line it could develop into something more. I.ve been clean since jan'02, I met my partner in july '02. We're still together. Despite my problems and an eight year age gap me being the elder. I suppose what I'm saying is if you're strong enough to face your problems then start to trust what you feel is right. Sometimes the regret if not doing something can be greater that having done it and it going wrong

[SamanthaK]

thank you falcon for that...i do feel strongly about this man, and we are not trying to fix each other like my ex program director thinks, my recovery comes first and he feels the same about his. it's just an intense connection with him that i can not ignore. when i've tried to ignore it, somehow something happens and he's there to listen to me and encourage me to do the right things. regardless he's only 8 months sober now, he knows a lot more then i do anyway, thank you very much

[spork]

hi Samantha - and everyone else - I'm new to the forum here.

I've been sober 15 years now. My first sponsor told me that the good news about recovery was that I'd get my feelings back - all of them. She told me it would be like going through puberty all over again. She was right. Only at 34, I didn't get pimples when I went through it again.

When I think back on my first year of sobriety, it's mostly gray. I don't remember a lot of it very clearly. I'd been drinking and drugging for 20 years. I also always had a man in my picture - because no matter how messed up I was, if there was a guy there, it meant I was okay.

It's taken a long time to get over that thinking. Anyhow - back to my first year. My sponsor told me the same things - don't get into relationships. She also told me she figured I'd do what I wanted, but I should be careful. I wish I'd listened to her.

First I got re-involved with an ex-lover. We drank together, then he got sober and ditched me. A year later I got sober, and we started seeing each other again. It was a long, long, painful rollercoaster ride - on again, off again, that ended only a few years ago.

That same year, (during one of the off again times with the first problem) I got involved with a guy from AA who had been sober 3 years. We dated for a while. It didn't work out. Some years later he started stalking me - and stalked me off and on for 10 years. He was a nutcase - he had at least 6 restraining orders taken out against him by women from AA. He had some real serious mental problems, and was sometimes violent. He continued to pretend to be sober, though he had started drinking again. He was a mess. He was also very sly about the stalking, never giving enough reason for the police to get involved. I got rid of him a couple of years ago when he died. It was a decade of feeling afraid much of the time.

I wouldn't have gone near him further into my sobriety. I would have seen through his whole charming routine.

I know it's terribly hard, because you feel so much better. As one of my gurus (31 years sober) is fond of saying, "This time next year you'll wonder how you stayed sober." Recovery is progressive. If this guy is all you say he is - he'll wait. This first year is a good time to focus on your recovery, and your issues. You're laying the foundation for your recovery and your sober life. What you do now will have an impact on what happens later.

Proceed with caution, is my advice. Oh, and listen to your sponsor!