Help I Ain't Needing This

[nodope]

Alright here's a cry for help. I really, really hate when this stuff happens.

Approaching my eighth month of being clean. It's been going very well recently. Of course life throws us some curves, but I SWEAR at times there's an honest to goodness devil out there. I actually look up in the sky, and say "God, why in the world would you test me like this?"

Just the other night when I was flustered I took a walk. Right ahead of me was a neighbors "mate" obviously dropping his stash off. Hmmmm. I just kept on a walking. No biggie. THEN I'm at a local gas station when this chick runs up to me screaming, and crying "HELP ME. My husband just stole my pocketbook, and jumped out of the car. He's a junkie". Touche'. I felt releved to help her, and sent up a little prayer that Thank you Lord it wasn't me stealing the purse". I really felt so sorry for the young girl. I'm sure in the past the thought would've crossed my mind "Ummmm. I wonder where he went". This young girl thanked me profusely for staying with her until her dad, and the cops turned up. Poor kid.

NOW THIS. My friend, and neighbor approaches me the other night. I know she uses opiates, and I stay away from her. Never used with her or anything. She asks me if I know anything about dope at all. NO I don't I respond. "Oh, she whines. I'm on Oxy's, and I'm running out of money. Someone told me to buy it as it's the same, but cheaper. Plus I have someone who will go, and get it, and it'll be easier." Then she goes into a self-obsessed rant about how she will put it in her coffee because she is no low-life who will snort anything. I really wanted to say "Miss, you better stay away from that, and the people you are hanging with". NO!!!!! I didn't even want to stay long enough to say that. I was like"Nah. Can't help ya there. I'd say skip it".

Here I am now looking out my window to see if her car has left. She dropped gifts off to another neighbor while I was there, and I'm thinking "I wonder if she copped. The scratching, and itching was quite noticable". Why should I care. Truth be told it's crossed my mind to ask her if she got it, and then what????? Can someone help me out here? Why this obsession? I've purposely avoided any situation which would lead to this. Thanks everyone.

[catnap]

Hi Nodope, Thanks for your post! It really brought me back to earlier days so I can identify with your frustration. When I was in early recovery my sponsor told me not to try and help other people. At first I thought she was really being unkind and thoughtless but now, many years later, I see her wisdom. When we are new in recovery we are still very, very sick people, mentally, spiritually and physically. It is hard enough to do for ourselves one day at a time never mind try and help another brother or sister in need. Besides, someone who is still out there and hasn't hit bottom is not ready for recovery in my opinion. Take care of yourself today and pray for the obsession to be lifted. Your time will come to reach out and help. I am praying for you!

[nodope]

Thanks so much for your reply, Cat. Most appreciative.

Actually I think in my heart I was more wondering about her so I'd have a connection. Another words "Well if she got it I'd only get a little just once". I think I was lying to myself somehow.

I mean I truly am the bleeding heart of the world. I do know that right now I'm just about helping myself so I have to be careful. In a way it's a good thing though. I'm getting past it. I really don't want anything bad ever to happen to this woman, BUT I also refuse to get caught up in it either. I could have easily said "That's the worse mistake you will ever make, and kiss your kid, and house, and Lexus goodbye", buy NO and now I'm realizing my addiction grabbed a hold of me, and that little devil voice said "If she gets it you may get it".

Thank you again cause you shed much light on this. I am very appreciative.

[namommy]

Nodope,

Don't be too hard on yourself for having these thoughts and feelings. It is natural. One thing I always say?: Basketball players think about playing basketball, and addicts think aobut using drugs.

When you find yourself thinking and feeling this way, follow a general rule of thumb. 5 things that when put to work, never fail

1-Pray
2-call your sponsor
3-call another recovering addict
4-go to a meeting
5-read/write from recovery literature.

It's a simple program, not an easy one.

[cj.]

Originally Posted by nodope

Why this obsession? I've purposely avoided any situation which would lead to this.

Hey nodope:

Obsession is the nature of our disease!
Glad to hear that you are avoiding situations that could lead to trouble!!

However, the reality of life is that we are not always going to be sheltered from our addiction because we don't want it to intrude on our recovery. It will show up in many forms. The 'test', so to speak, is in our ability to practice using the tools we have learned. (see list that namommy provided)

When you find you are able to get through this and stay clean, you will gain a little more strength to face the next hurdle that will surely come your way. Recovery is not about avoiding the things that you fear will hurt you the most, it is about coming to terms with and accepting the fact that they will continue to hurt you if you don't put them into perspective.

I say, YES, gaurd your recovery as if it was the most precious gift you have ever received (because, in my opinion, it is), but not at the expense of your spirit being hurt because you disown it.

cj