Npd

[talia]

hi there,

A new friend here,charisma,suggested I post here. I ended a relationship the end of July. After much research, I discovered "Narcisstic Personlity Disorder",which was the last piece of the puzzle...the explainable of the unexplanable. This was a long distance relationship,on/off,for 6 years.

I initially posted at SR when the relationship ended,thinking perhaps his strange behavior was due to his alcohol/drug issues. And I know I have issues being an ACoA myself. I then discovered information about NPD and stopped posting here because I didn't think anyone could understand.

Those first few weeks were hell...suffering from PTSD...then sank into a deep depression. I am feeling better now that I have been on an anti-depressant now for a few weeks. And I am over the "shock" of it all,just very sad.

I became obssesed with learning all that I could and I will continue to do so,however, I think I need to begin focusing more on just me. This research on NPD has become like an addiction and unhealthy. I have been isolating and only leave my house to go to work.

I guess, my question is how to turn the focus back on me..I don't think I have come to total acceptance of this, as I can't seem to be able to put it in the past.

Would very much like to hear form anyone who has dealt with this and is healing from being involved with an NPD sufferer.

thank-you,
talia

[lonlion]

Hi Talia; I was also involved with a man with NPD. I researched to extemes too.
the only thing I can tell you is that you should not contact him or respond if he contacts you, but then if you have researched you know this.
Time, honey, time is really the only thing that will help you to move past this and heal. Prayer also is good. In time you will take care of you. Maybe make a point of doing something for yourself every day starting with today, no matter how small it is...take a bath, do your nails. Just something for you.
All the best to you
Diana

[ink2]

Can I ask what it is? NPD...I've never heard of it ---

I always feel good when I do something just for myself, Talia...I hope you will too.

Take care,

Kathryn

[Phinneas]

I worry when a person 'diagnoses' another person. You indicate that you have reseached NPD, however I am inclined not to trust this label unless a doctor or the person themselves have determined that it is so. I personally don't call a someone an alcoholic, for example, even when the obvious signs are there unless the person labels him or herself as one. Just my two cents.

So, my best advice is to let this person go in your heart and work on your own issues. Counceling, Al Anon, spiritual practice are all great tools.

Good luck,

jojo

[talia]

Thanks lonlion for your response. I needed the reminder to pray. Hopefully,by this time next year I will feel differentely.

ink..so sweet of you to respond without even knowing what NPD is...

jojo...I would like nothing more than "not" to label this person with NPD..but I am confident in what I know. Thanks for your advice.

my best to all of you
with love
talia

[bubblze30]

Over time this becomes possible. I myself learned how to help myself love myself and be with myself without fear. My focus was always on everyone else and not myself. As long as you stay away from the unhealthy behaviors you wil learn little by slow all you need to learn. Welcome to Wmens forum were we all help one another as much as we can. I hope to see you in here more as this forum is my main forum. I check the others once in a while but I find I get what I need in this room the most. I hope you find something that helps you./

[GettingFree]

Hi Talia,

I took a little while before responding to your post because I wasn’t’ sure exactly what to say at first.

I have believed for many years that my first husband had NPD. Many of the behaviours and symptoms were there: grandiosity, huge need for praise, the sense of entitlement, the inflated sense of self and abilities, dismissing everyone else, the lack of empathy. Although talented in a certain area, he grossly exaggerated his abilities and tried to take advantage and manipulate professional situations, sabotaged work situations, burned bridges constantly so others would eventually turn their back on him. I didn’t even know the extent of this until after we were divorced. In terms of our relationship, it was hell, as everything was seen through the lens of how the world was failing him, including me: not supporting him enough, not recognizing him enough, not putting him first, daring to think differently than him and meanwhile him being entirely dismissive of my feelings and needs. I was under constant criticism and by the end of the marriage felt I hardly knew what my own thoughts and feelings were.

So where did that leave me? The marriage ended and it took 2 subsequent relationships (these other men did not have ndp but other significant problems including addiction) before I could start asking the most important questions: why did I find myself in relationships with men like these? Why was I attracted to relationships in which I was not valued and respected? Why was I attracted to relationships in which I would not get my needs met?

Like bubblze and jojo have said, I had to start putting the focus on myself. Co-dependents are notorious for focusing on the problems of those around us. Becoming experts on what is wrong with those we're in relationship with. A hallmark of co-codpendency is believing that if the other person could change things about themselves, then we would be happy. Blaming the other's problems for our unhappiness. Alternatively, if we're out of relationship, we may feel if we found a person with just all the right wonderful qualities, then we'd be happy. In either case, we're putting the responsibility of our happiness on to others. Believing that if only someone else could act, behave, be a certain way, then we'd be happy. (beliefs related to love addiction as well) But in reality, we won't be happy till we start to repair the damage inside done so long ago.

I am not judging here, by any stretch. A lot of us have been through the exact same ething. If you do some reading on co-dependence, you'll understand that we came to develop these behaviours as badly-needed coping strategies to the hurts and damage we endured. As we learn to understand these, we can begin to make healthier choices.

My guess is a long-distance relationship of 6 years isn't the most satisfying kind of relationship to have. Not one that could ever truly fill your needs even if this person didn't have NDP. As you start the journey of healing yourself, you'll perhaps start to get a better sense of your needs, and getting them met in loving ways.

best,
gf