SEX!!!!!!!...okay ladies..help me out here!!!

[charisma_48423]

I posted earlier today on the alcoholism forum, thinking that sex is on everyone's mind....NOT just women......then I deleted it quickly!!!!!!...(Extremely impulsive gal here!)..lol.........That dang thing got 50 hits in less than one hour????????? I guess that I just wanted to know how other people feel about that aspect of their lives....Food, water, sex....duh?? ..(but we don't talk about it...).I know that I deleted my message because I wanted to say what I had to say ANONYMOUSLY!!!!!!! I know that I am not anonymous here but, Are we safe in here to talk, just for the girls??????? who knows???...but part of my post went like this:
don't you miss good sex? are you having sex???? is it good?? WHY do you do it????WHEN do you do it???? ....I know that alcohol affects it for me...is it only in the beginning of a relationship that its REALLY good, like do it till "naked food" and DVD's.....and then more?????? I know that love evolves....but sex??? I know that I have issues...so, I'm thinking that others do as well.........
with much love,
charisma

[KelKel]

:allgetalo

Yep, it can be an issue for me...
I take zoloft and it really makes it difficult for me to get in the mood.
And to be completely honest ...............................
(thankfully my hubby does not come in here... :nervous )
I sometimes just give up and fake it.
But the alternative, me bouncing off the walls is not worth it.

Yesterday my honey baked a chocolate cake in the nude and that was really nice to observe, needless to say, I had cake for breakfast this am.

[charisma_48423]

Thanks for sharing !!!!!!!!
(although we did not get the benefits of the chocolate!!!!!!)

[splendra]

Yes i have lots of issues about sex.....I have choosen to be celebate for the past couple of years...my Ah is indiffernt to it. (I know he has issues too) I have prayed about it alot. I am getting in touch with my true sexuality as a result I believe I have become far more feminine (sp?) I am more gentel with myself at this time than I have ever been in my life. I realize that having sex does not define me or make me more of a woman. In some ways I feel it has made me more aware of everything. I feel like my H controled me a lot with sex. I use to think if the sex was good that everything was fine. I feel much freer and I believe if I ever do start having sex again that I will be more real than I was before. It is a boundry for me that I not have sex as long as my H is not in recovery...... We are very clear about it. I felt like he was using me for a drug and it stopped being fun for me.....

[indigo]

MMMMM those dam antidepressants!
indigo

[charisma_48423]

splendra
thank you for sharing......I started this thread as a "how do you feel about sex" thing, and it's funny......no one want's to be serious.......I do believe that as women sex, intercourse...etc.....we need to address this issue.....love ya..charisma

[charisma_48423]

can I add that I think this scares the *shi* out of most of us??????? We determine our self-worth from what we think that society expects from us.....are we skinny enough????......are our titties big enough???...how is my nose????......we are ALL beautiful women.......EACH ONE OF US.....every type that we come in.....big, small, skinny, tall, short......everyone thinks that they would like to change our physical bodies...

[splendra]

Oh I fell for the body image thing hook line and sinker. I have worked out since I was very young I still do...I come from a family of overeaters and I have worked so hard to not be overweight. Thanksgiving dinner is a very difficult meal for me to eat my family OH my God they make big piles on their plates. I have to be careful I have choked several times on thanksgiving day because I get so upset at how much they all eat.....it makes me feel so ashamed.....

[Ann]

charisma

I read what you said about wanting to be anonymous, and felt I should tell you that you may not be. Go to the front page of this forum, and at the top Jon has an announcement called "Your Words for All to See". Also, this thread from another forum will show you what he means.

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=42360

Anyone can read this forum, only women can post here.

Just thought it was fair to let you know.

Hugs
Ann

[spirit]

sex without alcohol was an interesting experience hahahhhahaha
but i am getting used to it, bit like when you do it with the light on, 'hey that is different' haha
kath

[Mich]

I havent had sex in 7 1/2 months !!! (since I split with my A)Oppertunity has been there with him and others, but, I am in a place in my life where I am too vulnerable(sp). It is such a personal thing for me and I am afraid that I would end up crying and I am not prepared for that. I sometimes wish I could be more liberated and be ok with a casual thing but, I am not. I have always been a very sexual partner, I love having a healthy intimate relationship with one person and to be honest....I miss it soooooooo much. I know when the time is right...with that special someone .."he" wont know what hit him! LMAO.....lets hope thats sometime soon. PLEASE!!!
Hugs
M

[lonlion]

I have no problem with being honest about sex and my sexuality.
First off, not that I am trying to break sex into a science, but the word SEX means Synergistic Energy eXchange. When we make love with our partner, we are actually exchanging energy. It can be so empowering, not to mention the endorphines released at the time as well.

I will admit that in my past I have had negative feelings about sex, and was somewhat inhibited. I will also admit that it was not exactly my favorite past time. I used sex or lack of it as a tool when I was angry with my husband. Thankfully I have totally different views about it now.

I can only make love with a man I love. I don't judge others who can make love with complete strangers, but for me that is who I am. I don't choose sex instead of love, but rather as a celebration of love.

I enjoy all aspects of love making. I enjoy the smell of a man, the feel of a man, and I now put my heart, head and body into love making. I no longer associate shame and guilt with love making. I have not been in a relationship for a few months now, but when I fall in love again, you can be sure I will be making love again, and again, and again. My wish is for all you women in relationships to enjoy making love with your partners. Just remember, lust is not passion, abandon is not freedom, and aggressiveness is not eagerness. For control, power, and domination has nothing to do with love.

[GettingFree]

Charisma, you asked a lot of different questions in your first post. But the most important one to me is one you haven’t asked: “what is good sex�.

I used to think I had good sex. I was always considered a great sexual partner, a great lover. I was spontaneous, uninhibited, enthusiastic, experimental. From the outside I’d be called free and liberated. And it was all a crock. It was an illusion.

Because through all of it, through the marathon sessions and pushing boundaries, through what most cultural ‘sex’ barometers would observe as‘good sex’, I realize now I was looking to fill up an empty place. I was looking to be valued. I was looking for connection. I was looking for meaning and to heal a wound that no amount of sex, however ‘good’, would ever heal.

Since beginning the hard work of recovery – of, as Charlotte Kasl puts it, healing a whole human being rather simple sobriety – I’ve been learning what ‘good sex’ is. It isn’t about great performance and technique. It isn’t about being wild or reckless or crazy passion. It isn’t about constantly trying to push boundaries and go new places and look for all kind of ways to heighten things. It’s about the joy of our bodies finding a soulful connection with someone we feel a loving spiritual connection with. Sometimes it will be passionate, sometimes playful, sometimes slow and dreamy, sometimes quick and intense. And it’s not to say we stop liking certain ways of making love or being stimulated, but to look at that isolated from the rest, to look at sex separate from a loving connection, is a mechanical paint-by-numbers activity, that like the paint-by numbers set, never reaches art.

To me sex now without intimacy is hollow. It’s part of our addictive culture. We look at so many ways to fill up, from drugs, to food, to work to sex. And we seek so many ways to soothe a wounded sense of self, and sex has become a path that so many go down looking to find something they can’t till they heal from the inside out.

When I first became sexual with my current partner I was terrified. We took our time, deliberately avoiding immediate sex even though there was strong attraction. Neither of us wanted to confuse sex with love, which happens so easily for a lot of us co-dependents. My sexual past shrouded me like a ghost. I have many shameful memories. But slowly, gradually, I have been able to, for the first time, discover what I have been looking for. And it isn’t sex, even though it makes my body feel wonderful and sing. It's a celebration.

[KelKel]

lonlion & getting free

thanks for sharing... it was beautifully expressed.

[namommy]

I don't know if what I'm going to say is beautifully expressed, but to me it's honestly expressed.

Sex has taken on many faces for me over the years, at first just because it felt good, then I decided to become good at it. After that I decided, H*ll, I can make money and feel good doing something I am good at. Then sex became just another financial transaction. In early recovery, I was sleeping with everyone I could just to fill that void. Then I decided to just practice abstinence until I found myself.

I met my husband early in recovery, and I wanted to sleep with him and he told me NO, I am not starting this relationship out in bed (I honestly thought there was something wrong with him). Over the years, I have learned that sex can be many things. It can be making love so beautifully that I lay there and cry, or it can be just a quick fix. We make love, we have sex, we have quickies, and then sometimes we just f***. Sex is an important part of life for human beings, and it is just a matter of having healthy relationships, and learning how to have sex without all the stigma that we as addicts place on the whole 'substitution' aspect of recovery.

I love sex, and that is obvious if you find a thread I started a while back called "Frustrated".

[GettingFree]

Hi Namommy,

I wanted to ask you something given your background. Do you have much shame from your past sexual life, and if so, how have you dealt with that? During my using days, I was with a SA as well as a coke-addict. I have carried so much shame forward from that time -- whenever we used, the focus was almost entirely on sex for very extended periods and we went down some pretty dark paths together. I am still haunted by those times, and even though it's gotten easier and I feel lighter, I still feel at times that I carry a cloak of ugliness around me. I feel like I'm tainted. Dirty. By all the things that I did. All the ugly acts I particpated in. So many were degrading and nasty. And I can cry even as I type these words. I want to be cleansed.

It's gotten easier, but I am not free from it. I can't just f** like you said, I feel it's too much like the past. Last week, after turning off the lights and saying goodnight, my love and I were spooned up together, feeling close and loving, and after some time, we began to be sexual. It was a very dark night, no moonlight, so I couldn't see him at all, and it felt almost like it had a more 'anonymous' quality to it all, and afterwards I began to cry, and I said "I don't think I want to make love in the dark anymore." It was as if the focus was too much just on our bodies, the sex, and I felt scared and lost.

any thoughts anyone?

[ouch]

basically, i think and know (it's been scientifically proven) that women get attached to their partners during sex. there's this chemical in the brain, oxytocin, that gets released in women that is the same chemical released during childbirth so that the woman gets attached to and loves her child. it's the chemical responsible for emotional bonding. men don't have this during sex. therefore they can love em and leave em.

i don't think casual sex is healthy for women. i think it's bad for us, it confuses us and makes us feel like our emotional attachments are needy, a weakness, when in fact it's just the way we are and we shouldn't feel ashamed about it. i think when women lose touch with their true feelings they can be promiscuous, but i don't think this is the way we are naturally.

freud wrote endlessly about how women are far more sexual than men, how we abstain from sex ONLY to increase our social status and for no other reason. i think i agree with this ... except that i'd add the fact that most women want prolonged sexual relationsihps with men, not one-night stands.

i know i'd still be a virgin if it weren't for my alcohol abuse and drug use. but i have no regrets. if people think i'm "bad" or a "****" then that's their own dirty minds making something bad out of it. sex is a natural thing and i feel no shame about it and i do not think i am bad.

that's my one cent.

[namommy]

GettingFree,

There are some remnants of my past left hanging around. I don't know if it is guilt or just fear or something. I never really could put a finger on exactly what emotion it is. For the most part I have been able to leave it all in the past. I did, in the past, talk to a therapist about having possible dis-associative disorder, and after a few intense sessions he feels that I am just able to logically about the situations, and know that they are the past. That is part of what I was when I was using, and not who I am today. However, there is one sexual act that I just can't do, it brings back some feelings of my 'working' days. And, believe it or not there is a certain brand of food I refuse to eat because of what I used to do with the driver in the back of the delivery truck. That is about all of the hangups I have with my past.

As far as one night stands, I was always pretty OK with them. Most of the time, I persued them instead of them persueing (sp) me. I would make myself very loud and clear about the fact that it was just a one time deal. I won't give you my number, and I don't want yours. If I did sleep with someone more than once, and they started getting attached, I would remind them of what we said at first, then let them know that it was done, I'm outta there.

Today, I am married to a man who after being together for 8 years, we are still head over heels in love with each other. We love being together, and it just depends on the mood and the situation, what we do.

I dealt with alot of my issues in my 4th step. It is also good to know that other women have sexual issues as well.

[Little Missy]

I also have "trouble" with this issue. I take Paxil and that definately makes you not need it. I feel for ya Kel!! I've even talked to my Dr. about it. He says I can't stop it now, or I'll crash hard. So, life goes on without sex.

We use to have sex a lot when I was drinking. Then hubby cut me off and said no more sex if I had been drinking.

Now I work full time, have 2 young children (how'd we get them?? LOL), and work on my sobriety. It's sad that sex takes a back seat. I love how some of you have descibed it. And I truely want that for myself and my hubby. Yes, an expression and a celebration of love. Something we share only with each other.

That's a new thing for me. I always used sex to get what I wanted. To keep people close or push them away. It was always about me, even if the man was always satisfied. I used it to contol! Learning more about myself as my soberity continues. Making changes in myself and I think this should be put up near the top of the list.

I know when we do have "Quality Time" we always say, "Damn that was good. We should do that more often"!! Or, Damn we're out of shape!! LOL So, if we had sex for 20 minutes 3 times a week, we wouldn't have to worry about exercise!! :Lmao

Anyway, the time I spent typing this, I could have spent rolling in the hay! But, this to is progress not perfection!
Love ya ladies! Here's to a happy healthy sex life!!
Missy

[KelKel]

:hoo

I'll second that Missy, here 's to a happy, healthy sex life

Cheers with a sparkiling mineral water w/ a slice of lemon.

[Pepsifreek007]

I just could'nt help but answer this......lol I beat out 7 and a half months by a couple of yrs. My other half is having problems working it and I am just loosing it at times cause I want it to work but it does'nt. LOL.....ahhhh goin crazy. Yes, I think about it very often.

[Vela D.]

Thank you so much. You just confirmed what God has been telling me all week. I read what you said and I feel so good. I know that I am on the right track with this sex thing. Yes it is hard to abstain at first, but it is worth it to come out knowing you are not just a piece of meat, but a healthy human being with natural feelings and emotions that may be exercised when done with another healthy human being who has become spiritually fit and aware of their worth. The program teaches us to get to know ourselves, but most of us would like to forget ourselves. That is part of why we drink and use. I feel good to know that my past is not going to rob me of my future and that I do have a chance at a good health sex life. So thank you for being so honest. You have made my next 24 hrs. better. Love ya, Vela