It's tearing me apart

[ARIES]

I was alone for almost 12 years and before that I had a relationship for 2 years with a heroine and cocainefreak..Now since a year and 4 months I live together with my boyfriend..We had difficult times and still have..I like to learn to play the harmonica very badly..I practiced everyday and since a few weeks I follow lessons
Now comes the problem..The guy who teaches us..Well I really got a crush on him.. while I live together with a man who says he loves me dearly but who's got an impuls disorder I can't stop thinking bout that handsome funny teacher..Last week I did'nt went to the lesson becos I was to upset bout it all..Probably that teacher is married or something..But in a way I want to know if he feels the same bout me..At the other hand I want to stop the lessons but I like to learn bout the harmonica..And it is realy a nice group..I enjoyed myself very much the two times I was there..I talked bout it with my bf becos he felt there was something wrong in my behaviour against him..He told me that he's not jealous bout it but that he's afraid to loose me..And that it would be good that I go to the next lesson the 18th of november..In a way it appears to me that he don't care..But in another way it seems he loves me the right way..And that's what he told me too that love also has to do with leaving the other free..I'm realy upset bout it all..It's tearing me apart..Looks like the
living nightmare had never stoped..I feel full of guilt and I realy don't know if I want to loose this all..The security I have now..even though a lot of sad things had happened and are stil happening between us..You know he's very impulsive he hit me a few times and a few times a day he starts to shout at me and starts threatning me and callin' me bad names..You know in a way I think I deserve to live with a better feeling than this..I'ts very difficult to explain it all but I feel very good writing bout it..Man my life had been such a struggle and like things are goin' now I'm not that far away from the bottle but I'dd been there..So I recognize it very well..SO I WONT DRINK but I can't cry either so in a way I'm looking forward to the lessons and see how it all will turn out..I can't help my feelings..But I feel so bad bout them..There are still 5 lessons to go and most possibly we go to a concert of a famous harpplayer..With the group..I'm so afraid the next time I see him my feelings will show..Afraid to turn out red or that I will shake or that I will blow wrong notes..That last one happened already the last time when we where practiceing and he looked at me..You know I've got difuculties with hugging or kissing with my bf or even make love to him became pure technique becos I lost the feeling..It makes me feel real sad and full of guilt..I stop this writing becos I can write for hours bout it cos I'm so full of it.. Love from Stefanie

[51anna]

Hi Stefanie,

I'm sorry for your situation and your confusion.

For me it's totally simple - You said he hit you a few times and every day he calls you names, shouts at you and threatens you. You need to leave and take care of yourself. Your bf may have his own problems, but you don't need to subject yourself to abuse daily. Take care of yourself.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love, Anna

[namommy]

Stefanie,

I agree with Anna, you don't deserve to be abused wether physical, verbal, mental or emotional. You need to get out on your own and start taking care of yourself.

As far as the teacher, maybe the attraction you feel toward him is a repercution (sp) of the abuse. You see this man as funny, attractive, and if he is a teacher, he is probably attentive. You see in him what you don't see in your BF. But, just remember, you don't really KNOW this other man. You've only had contact with him a few times, in a classroom situation with your boyfriend there. BE CAREFUL.

[wastedtime4me]

I would suggest you take care of one problem before you create another~The man your with sounds abusive.You said it seems as if he doesnt care ~Well i wouldnt play with fire and find out~take care

[lonlion]

Hi Stefanie; I know that you have had a hard life. I know also that you have come a very long way with your recovery. I pray that you will see what is best for you. I know that you have a lot of guilt for things you have done in the past, but honey, no matter what we have done, none of us should ever, under any circumstances tolerate verbal or physical abuse. I also believe from your previous writings that you believed your boyfriend was your savior to a certain degree. Tolerating your behaviors and standing by you. How supportive is a man who treats his woman like this?
You need to respect yourself, and believe that you do not deserve this kind of treatment. You are much stronger than you used to be, and you will get much stronger yet.
Please take care of yourself honey, if we don't , then nobody will.
Love Diana

[ButterflyChaser]

((((((((((((((((((stephaine)))))))))))))))))) I hope u make the right desicion...I am here for you if you need me

[wastedtime4me]

My other post sounded mean..I didnt mean to sound that way~I hope you are able to get your head straight and make the right decision also~
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}]