Introducing Myself

[Brenshay]

Hello Everybody,

I just joined this forum yesterday and wanted to introduce myself here in this section. I have already posted in NA as I have just started going to meetings last week. This message board has really been great for information and support.

I am a 36-year-old mother of two boys (ages 6 and 2) who has been abusing painkillers for several months to treat my depression. With my doctor's help, I am currently on a tapering schedule to get off the pills, but it has been hard. It seems that with every dose reduction I get episodes of depression as well as physical symptoms. But NA meetings have really made me determined to stop taking these pills and live my life without them.

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and it has been very scary. I am lucky to have a supportive family, but I have a lot of guilt over what I have put them through. My two boys have been the best inspiration for me to try and get "clean." I just came here to these boards to learn and seek support as I go through this rough period and beyond. Thanks for listening.

[Peaches04]

Welcome Brenshay!!! Lots of good people here to share their stories! You are doing a great thing for you and your boys....I just wanted to say Hello! and welcome to the family!

[ButterflyChaser]

welcome!!!! yes, you are doing a great thing for you & yor boys! I have a 7 yr old little girl, and she is the reason for my getting sober! She's the love of my life!
Glad to meet you, you r going to love it here...everyone is so nice!

[Paulie]

Hi and welcome from me to.

Congrats on getting clean, I know it is not easy..but the pain you go through to stop using will pay off, that is a promise.

I am so glad you hear you are going to meetings. I am a 12 stepper, I have been sober for a little over 9 years now, still go to meetings, still have a sponsor and still work the steps it is what works for me.

I look foward to getting to know you better.

[51anna]

Hi Brenshay,

Congratulations on your decision to take back control of your life. And guilt seems to go with the territory, we always seem to feel terrible about what we put our families through. But, the main thing you can do for your family is to take care of yourself. And, it sounds like you're on the right track.

Keep posting.

Love, Anna

[namommy]

Brenshay,

I already said HI in the NA forum, but I also wanted to welcome you to WIR. This is an incredible group of women who love and support one another.

I am glad to hear that you are going to meetings, I also work a 12 step program (NA) and I have been clean for 8+ years now. You can do it.

[Chy]

Welcome!
You can do this, it will be worth it!

[wastedtime4me]

hi there brenshaw...welcome to WIR...I LOVE IT HERE!! I actually dont wander from here too often..lol
Congrats to you for trying to clean up your life~I have battled pills myself before and know where your coming from~sending prayers your way ..hope to see you back here again soon~you can do this!~~~~~

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by Brenshay

I am lucky to have a supportive family, but I have a lot of guilt over what I have put them through. My two boys have been the best inspiration for me to try and get "clean."

Once I began my recovery in ernest, I have found one of the most difficult things to do is to move through the guilt and shame I carry, particularly in the context of my children. It's taken some time, but I am gradually learning to forgive myself and have compassion for myself.

For me it has come through understanding the connection between the emotional needs I was left with as a result of childhood neglect and the many ways I have sought to numb the pain. I began to see how it made sense that I got to where I was. I began to feel understanding and compassion for the child I was -- and the adult coping skills I developed -- rather than judgment and scorn -- which are replays of the old scripts I learned early on.

Of course depression is another way of coping with hurts that seem overwhelming, too big to manage. Hopefully the doctor you're seeing is helping you sort out the underlying depression in addition to helping you break your dependency on the painkillers.

best,
GF

[cj.]

Brenshay:

I also said 'Hello' in the NA forum but I also wanted you to know that the women here are super warm, awesome and fantastic.

Hope to see you soon.

[bubblze30]

Welcome to Sober Recovery. We are all here to help one another through what ever the person may be going through. I think you picked one of the best forums for that. The ladies here are very supportive, honest and just all around good hearted. You post where ever you feel comfortable and if you ever miss a meeting they have some online here as well. It's a positive place so stick around. Getting of any kind of narcotic is hard so hang in there the detoc does not last forever but the mental part does. You can beat this and find a new way of life at the same time. I have a nine year old daughter as well. Hope to see you in here again. I post readings daily that help me through the day. Some apply some don't maybe you can get to read a few. Have a great sober day.

[Brenshay]

>>>Hopefully the doctor you're seeing is helping you sort out the underlying depression in addition to helping you break your dependency on the painkillers.

Yes, I am actually seeing a regular doctor, a psychiatrist and a therapist, so I definitely have no shortage of doctors I have been treated with medication for depression for the last 7 years. Only in going through this process with the Vicodin did I realize that I might also have a problem with one of the drugs prescribed to me by the psychiatrist--Ativan. I think I have been using it as a crutch rather than using it short term as needed. So I'm thinking about how I can stop that one as well.

Thank you ladies so much for your warmth and compassion in welcoming me here to WIR. I have felt like a wobbly baby deer trying to find my footing through all of this, but your messages and encouragement have helped me to stand up straighter. I know that I have a lot of work to do, but it helps a lot that you have encouraged me to post when I need to and ask for help. You really are special women.

One of the reasons I came to WIR is because I was hoping to find people going through similar things with the "Mom" issue. As a mother, I have had so much guilt and shame over my depression and now my addiction. I feel like a terrible mother. But I keep coming across one of your quotes that says (I'm paraphrasing here because I can't remember it exactly) "If your child feels safe, loved and wanted, you are doing a good job as a parent." Whenever I see that it makes me feel SO much better. Because I know I can do that. Maybe I can't take my boys to the park or swimming or shopping every day because of my depression, and maybe they spend too much time in day care for the same reason, but I do love them and care for them with all my heart.

Thanks again for your posts. This is a wonderful place.

[GettingFree]

Hi Brenshay,

I'm certainly no doctor, but the kinds of drugs you're taking make me ask some questions. Vicodin is a narcotic painkiller with all the accompanying effects (drowsiness, lack of alertness, slowed-down breathing etc) -- combining that with a drug like Antivan -- which is an anti-anxiety that works on the CNS (central nervous system) and as such has a depressant effect, would make me want to understand why I'm taking either of these if I suffer from depression -- and why they're prescribed together.

On the mother side of things: you're absolutely right - if a child feels loved and cherished and safe, that's a huge part of providing a good solid base as a parent. And as you now break the depedency on the medication, and start to grow stronger, you'll be able to become more available and engaged with them. Remember, they're still very young and so are you -- you have lots of time and lots of time as they grow, and as you do. In the meantime, it sounds like you have a big heart to love them with and big arms for lots of hugs.

best,
GF

[Brenshay]

About the medication issue, I started taking Ativan 2 years ago when my second son was born and I had a depressive crisis. My psychiatrist has been trying to taper it, and now I am down to 1 pill a day most days.

I was originally prescribed Percocet after dental surgery. Instead of having the narcotic effects such as drowsiness, etc., I experienced a euphoria like never before. My depression and anxiety totally lifted. I felt like superwoman! I was able to get a million things done and thought I was happy while doing them. I thought I was a better mother, a better wife, a better person. So I started taking Percocet and Vicodin on my own to treat my depression without telling anybody but my husband, although he eventually didn't know how much I was taking either.

Sadly, as most of you already know, this all turned out to be a big lie. The euphoria didn't last, and I would get sick whenever I didn't have the painkillers. And I wasn't really a better person on them--I was just experiencing that euphoria and didn't care. I have gone through a real mourning period over this. I thought I had stumbled onto the actual cure for depression with these pills. All I ended up with was drug addiction and my own leftover insecurities and depression.

Thank you for your kind words about motherhood. Every day around 2:00, I cry in the car on the way to pick up my son from first grade. I feel like I'm just not good enough to him and don't do all the things the other mothers do. I feel like he's being cheated, and so is my other son who has to sit in day care until 5:00 because of my depression. I cry my heart out all the way to school and then wipe the tears away so my son won't see them. I hope that someday I will learn not to hate myself so much when it comes to this.

[namommy]

Brenshay,

To put a different perspective on things, you should be grateful you still have your kids. When I was using, I had to give up custody of my kids to my parents with the condition that I had no contact with them. (per DHS). At least your kids get to see you and spend time with you. Eventually, it will become quality time, as long as you stay clean. I had about 1 year clean when I got my kids back. I now have 8+ years clean, and a GREAT relationship with my kids. I know I am not SUPER MOM, and that's OK. I do the best I can on any given day, and they know I love them and they love me. Give yourself a break, as it says in NA, We didn't become addicted in one day. Well, we don't recover over night either. It takes TIME.

As far as your depression. I take a mild anti- depressant once a day. At one time the doctors had me on multiple meds, including Ativan, and I just got worse. In some cases, less IS more. Just be honest with your doctors about your addiction, and make sure you insist on NO NARCOTICS. We are ultimately responsible for our own recovery.

[Phinneas]

Ah, happy pills. I know what you mean about the euphoria. But it's a lie, isn't it? That's the insanity of this disease, believing the lie that leads us down a devastating road. The only way out is to not use and to work an honest program of recovery, in my experience. Remember... baby steps. I am proud of you for doing this for yourself and your family. Hang in there, dear.

jojo

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by Brenshay

So I started taking Percocet and Vicodin on my own to treat my depression

Treating depression is a tricky thing. As you've found out, taking drugs doesn't treat depression.It masks it. And you've taken the first huge hard step in recognizing this. In naming it. And that's a pretty amazing awareness to come to. Congratulations are in order. And as you said, once the euphoric state you first experienced began to diminish with the dependence on the drugs, you still had the depression -- but now an addiction as well.

So then where does that leave treating depression. It's pretty hard to treat any emotional/psychological condition when an addiction is present. I see an incredible therapist who is a specialist in addiction. But interestingly enough, she generally doesn't 'treat' patients until they've been in recovery and free of using for about a year (whatever the addictive substance). That's because you simply can't get at the core issues and the real recovery until someone has truly given up the dependence and can face the hard work of recovery without re-abusing.

I have a healthy suspician of our medical & psychiatric professions's dependence on medication. I believe it is a dependence. Please don't misunderstand -- I am not judginig and nor am I hard-line. I do believe there are times anti-depressants and other medications can be used effectively and I used celexa for a period of time when I was near burn-out and experiencing intense suicidal ideation. It was helpful, but I was also in therapy, and I knew I didn't want to be on it for life. My therapist explained it was like putting a bucket of water on a fire, giving me a chance to catch my breath and recoup.

Now I see so many people, especially women, who are prescribed drugs, often without ongoing therapy or close monitoring. My mother was on valium -- that was how physicians of her generation treated depression. Now we have a cocktail of other drugs available for doctors to dispense. And I just get the sense it's often not done responsibly, wisely or compassionately. Sometimes I feel it's because the doctors don't know how to treat effectively treat depression otherwise, so doing something like prescribing medication makes them feel effective. And then we're surprised when we have a whole lot of people becoming hooked on prescription drugs.

I supppose I'm a little cycnical. I'll confess to a bias formed from the work I've done in recovery. I've seen therapists and psychiatrists in the past who had very little knowledge about recovery. And who knew little or next to nothing about co-dependence. I've learned that the real work of recovery is ahead of us once we give up all the stuff we've used to medicate the pain. And that that pain is something we've carried around with us for a very long time. Working through that pain is the hardest work of recovery I've had to do. I still have a lot of it ahead of me.

My heart went out to you when you spoke about the tears you shed on your way to pick up your son. About the guilt, the self-judgement, the self-contempt. It is so familiar -- and I still get stuck in that trap, but it's getting so much easier. I couldn't even begin to look at that before, not witih any understanding, not without the filters of intense self-hate and retreat and despair, without the help of someone who understood that process. I'm slowly starting to understand. And to get free. To truly start to accept myself. Self-acceptance is key to reaching a place of health...ask a traditional shrink how one gets to a state of self-acceptance and most would be hard-pressed to come up with a succinct answer. Those versed in recovery and co-dependence can better speak to it.

best,
gf

[bubblze30]

I was on every medication out there almost. I had been taking medication since I was twelve for depression. Now thirty-one they finally found one that works. Adivan made me forget days at times. Someone would say remember this and I couldn't. Now I am on Geodon and I feel great. I still take my doxipin(no relation to clonopin) and I feel great and sleep. This new medication geodon has taking away my anxiety my social aphobias, I can talk to people, I can disipline my child without screaming. It has really changed my life for the better. Oh yes, no more mood swings either. I like to share what helps for me because it may help someone else as well. Gl On your looking for medications that work. There are some side affects but the go away after a day or two then you are left with good moods and happiness. No more sleeping all day either.