i want to use real bad

[wastedtime4me]

but i am coming here in hopes that i dont go and mess it all up..
I have been writing to a very dear friend of mine alot latelty.I am very greatful to have her yet i dont want to burden her with my everything .So i am coming her tonight to just dump it!!
I feel like i am 80 yrs old with all the physical pain i am in anymore.I feel like most days maybe i am just better off dead!~I know thats rediculous..but its trueThe only time i dont hurt is when i am asleep.Even then i wake up hurting quite often..I am just fed up with the way my doctors are treating me.I am tired of having pills pushed at me.With no real answers as to what else is wrong!I am afraid when i go see this M.S.specialist he is gonna make me wait some more also...I am tired of my son not caring about his schooling !I just want to run away from it all right now!Real real fast!!!!!!!!!!! My hubby means well he has a real good heart but he hasnt got a clue!!! I dont have any real friends around me!I have one real honest and true friend but she isnt close enough i can only send her email!!! I am just feeling really sad and dont know what to do to make it better,I just dont know !!!!! I cant go for walks anymore.My body wont let me.I cant even sit here for long!So How am i gonna keep busy??I just feel useless and am having very crazy thoughts.I wont hurt myself i wouldnt ever leave my kids.but i feel like something has to change or else i feel as if i am gonna have a nervous breakdown or something,.i dont know i cant really describe it.i have never felt like this before..i am always complaining and i just really dont even like myslef much anymore...i feel stupid even writing this right now..but i feel like i have to get this outta my head!! im not gonna delete it or fix it ..im just gonna send it and i want to read what you girls think i need to do to make myself get back on track because i really dont know anymore!! I know gettin high wont solve anything but i am thinking about it alot tonight and praying i dont get in my car and do it ..so thats why i came here i am trying to stoop myself..ok im hitting send..no matter how crazy i may sound ..here goes...because i need some help...i cant do this alone anymore!!! i went to the chat room and nobody was there....

[2dayzmuse]

(((wastedtime4me)))

Stay strong. You have a full plate right now. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope you can find someone to talk with and help sort through your problems. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Chicken soup is on the way...

[Paulie]

You didn't use. Keep coming here and talking about it, journal, talk with your friends....friends are not burdons.

Just get through tonight and deal with tomorrow later. Think of your daughter. Think of how far you have come.

Using will make it worse. Keep praying and keep talking.

We care!!!

[51anna]

Hi Wasted,

I'm so glad you came here and let your feelings out.

I totally relate to chronic pain and what an exhausting burden it is. I spent years dealing with chronic pain before I finally got to the right dr. I also relate to what you said about your husband. My husband is a good guy too, but since he couldn't see anything wrong with me, he just couldn't accept that I was always in pain.

I think you should keep going to see drs until you find what you need. See the MS specialist and see what he has to say. Have you considered seeing a dr who specializes in pain management? I know it's hard, but you have to try to keep searching for something that will help you have a good quality of life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love, Anna

[cj.]

I relate very well with living in chronic pain. I have the severe form of a muscle disease called fibromyalgia. When it flares up, it causes the muscle tissue to tear at the slightest pull, poke or push that I may get. There are days I cannot use my hands to get dressed or manipulate buttons or hold a spoon or fork. There are days when I cannot walk without some assistance. There are days when I cannot hold my head up on my own strength.

There are days, too, that I just want to give up and I cannot see how I can go on any longer living in sheer agony. I have considered using pain medication or any other drug to find some temporary relief. But that is all it would be for me. Temporary.

I know without a doubt, that I would hurt more and I would hate more than I ever did before I got clean. I don't want to live that way no matter what!

So.... like you, I let loose once in awhile with a good blast of anger and frustration and resentment at the unfairness of it all. I yell at God. I yell at the Devil. I yell at my Mom. I yell at the doctors for not being able to help me. I yell at my neighbors. I yell at all the people in the world who are healthy. I yell at the walls for goodness sake!! (I do this when I am alone, by the way!)

The point is, there comes a time when the pressure gets to be too much and no one else wants or needs to hear me, that I allow myself a brief moment in time to just SCREAM. ( I do this about three time a year! )

Then I get on with my day!

I hope you won't feel too alone through this, because I know that that is the hardest thing of all. Prayers for peace and relief go out to you, my friend.
You are not alone.

cj

[bikewench]

Wasted..
Loving hugs to you...

I certainly know that feeling of needing to just get it out. I use to use purging to give me the physical sensation of relief...
And then the feelings would return and I'd turn to food again , and then purge again and then use again......

Familiar refrain eh?

Now.. I write. Mostly here. Where people understand... and they love me anyway.

I can so relate to all the feelings you describe.
Like I can't stand to be in my own skin. In my own life.

This usually happens when I am focusing on another person that I am powerless over and won't admit it.. rather than reaching out to my HP for the love and comfort I need.

Like right now..

Please... Don't give up Wasted....
You reached out to me when my hour was very dark... and I got a lot of comfort from that.
I just want to tell you that no matter how dark it looks... we have the power in ourselves to change our lives to make ourselves happier...

It's an ongoing miracle if ya ask me... ;o)

[wastedtime4me]

Thanks girls..{{{2 dayz}}..i was gonna meet you in chat and my son called for me to pick him..I came back and this crazy puter froze up and i couldnt get it to even shut down~it seems to be ok now.its been acting up lately~
It is midnite~I made it!!Im not goin out to score anything this late!Thank you to everyone for your kind words~
I am safe for now!!!!!I am gonna go to bed till its time to battle another day~ :banghead:
I need to find things to be grateful for instead of looking at all thats going wrong lately.I know there are people worse off than i am out there~
I am worried about finding another doctor and him being friends with my other doctor and just never getting any answers here i guess~but i never know till i try~I am just discouraged because i called today and demanded tests and got turned down again~I need these tests done so i can some kind of disabilty verification.so i can start getting help.I have had no real income since april...only babysitting money..it just isnt cutting it for us ~so thanks for listening and i am still clean and sober..just wanted to let you girls know ..before i go to bed{{{{bighugs}}}}}
i will post tomorrow in the a.m.
night..

[luckyfosho]

We are here to listen to what ever it is on your mind. the way you feel is the way you feel and you have to be honest about it. Apart of recovery is sharing the way you REALLY feel!!! this is the true frist step. sounds like you have some overwhelming things going on in your life take a look at the things going on and if there is nothing you can do about it today sometimes doing nothing about it is all you can do. Do not let anything jeopardize your sobriety nothing gets better under the influence. You come here everyday and tell us how you feel I guarentee you someone is feeling the same way. you hang in there no matter what protect your sobriety pray about it!!!!

look forward to hearing from you soon, keep your head up your nose clean don't leave before the miracle

peace

[Paulie]

Good morning WT4M -

Hope you day is better today. Staying in the gratitude that is a great idea. Why don't you sit down today and make a gratitude list. Everything big and small that is good in your life. Stick it to the fridge or your bathroom mirror, some place where you will see it often throughout the day.

And keep talking lady cause we are here listening.

[wastedtime4me]

I am not gonna give myself the option today to use~PERIOD!!!
I have to do the H.A.L.T
I know this too shall pass!I have to just type all thats on my mind and im gonna use this as my sounding board..you girls dont have to offer advice.
But if you wanna thats ok too..I just need to clear my head so i dont mess up today.Because i really came close yesterday..I dont want all this clutter in my head today!I need to let go today~I have nobody to talk to except for my daughter and i cant burden her with all this ..so here goes!
I started a new med this morning and i am not burning for the first time in days!!
That in itself has helped me this morninG.. Iknow i have to hang on for my kids.Sometimes i wonder if my son cares about me at all.but i know he really would be hurt if i were to leave~He is just a 17 yr old boy~
I am gonna have to borrow money today to go grocery shopping and i hate doing that~SO thats one of the things weighing on my mind~I had $90 on friday that i was suppose to use for groceries and ended up putting gas in my car ,ciggs.. We had pizza one night and we shouldnt have.I didnt feel like going to the store like i should have so i just got enough to get us through and ...well its gone now~I am beating myself up about it~such is life~I was suppose to get food from my nephew for his kids that i watch..he didnt come through..so tonight i have to talk with him and just lay it on the line and tell him when i ask for food to be here on monday i mean monday not when he feels like it..Today i have all 3 of his girls and still he brought me no food~i really try to be nice to people i dont like confrontation but it is time to do so~~so thatss stressin me out as well..on top of everything else i mentioned last night.I just have alot to get done and quit procrastinating about it and do it ..I need to get a new doctor.I need to call social security and get info..that in itself will help me feel better..I am gonna get off of here and make alist of things i need to do to get this clutter out of my head..things i need to do to get my life in order.I think that will help~then maybe i wont feel the need to run away because i will have some stuff taken care of~instead of piled up in my head!I have to do something different today..I f iwant different results!!
MANY THANKS TO YOU GIRLS FOR HELPING ME WITH YOUR CARING AND KIND WORDS~~THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS

{{{{{BIGHUGS}}}}}
WT4M

[ButterflyChaser]

hey Wasted~
You dont' sound crazy, VENT away girl!!!! That's why we are all here!! To help one another!
I am soo sorry that you are in so much pain, gosh, I just wish I could twinkle my nose & you'd be pain-free!!!! You can email me ANYTIME!!!! I want you to know that you can copmplain to me, whine to me, cry to me...anything , just as long as it makes you feel better! I here for you! Talk to me ok?
((((((((((((((((((((wt4m)))))))))))))))))))))

[2dayzmuse]

(((WT4M)))

I'm glad you're feeling better today. Why is it whenever I try to get somewhere on the computer in a hurry, it always freezes up? Always. It sounds like you're on the right track, tackling one task at a time. When I look at all the things on my "to do" list, it's looks huge and overwhelming. If I look at it as one task at a time, it's less overwhelming. Break it down in small tasks and you'll get alot accomplished and the heavy weight that settles in will be lifted from your shoulders. Don't beat yourself up for what you should of done with the money. Some of us do that at times. I know I do. Sometimes an impromptu pizza is what we need to save our sanity at the time. I know we pay for it later, just know you're not alone there. Being disciplined at all times is not my best attribute. I hope your meds work well for you and a finding a new doctor is easily resolved. The best of luck to you. You know you can always come here if you need to vent. As far as your teenage son, you know he loves you. That's a tough age and some kids have a hard time expressing their feelings. I know, my son is much the same in that way. Stay strong, don't use. You've come so far and you have the tools to fight the battle and win the war. This to shall pass and you will overcome all obstacles.

LeAnne

[Vela D.]

I'm glad to here that you feel better. I'm not having such a good time in life right now either, but I'm sober and I am glad that you are too. Don't give up. Sorry that you are in pain. I will be praying for you to find the right doctor or to heal all together. Isn't it great that we have somewhere to go and share our ups and downs of sobriety.

Praying for you Vela.

[wastedtime4me]

I just want to pop in real quick and let you all know i am feeling better tonight and i am still clean and sober~I started a new med that worked real good this morning but not right now so i am gonna go lay down on the couch..maybe i have been sitting here too long??
Also i just wanted to say i really feel for those of you that also suffer with physical pain everyday!I am sorry to hear you are also going through such things.It is certainly no fun~
I got a few things done today on my list but a few will have to wait till the am..so i am off to go rest my ole tired body...
you girls were wonderful to me..I will gladly reach out inyour time of need to repay your kindness~just p.m. me anytime..
nighty night

[bubblze30]

I am so very, very proud of you. You worked through a tough situation and you did not pick up which builds strength for the next temptation you feel. Each time we get stronger helping with a new temptation. The more we don't use the stronger we get for the next.

WOOOHOOO WAY TO GO YOU DIDN"T USE!!!!!!

[Paulie]

Wt4M -

You did it, you got through another day. Now get through today the same way. Doing one thing at a time on your list and just putting one foot in front of the other.

Proud of you lady.

[51anna]

Hi Wasted,

I'm so glad to hear you made it through that really tough time. Hopefully today will be a bit easier for you and that's why we have to remember that when we are down, things will get better. You are a stronger lady for what you've accomplished.

Love, Anna

[namommy]

WT4M,

I am sorry I am getting here so late. I am very glad you didn't use. You and the other ladies here have become very important to me. The first night I saw your thread, I was so tired, I just didn't even read it right. But now I realize that there is no excuse for me not responding. Please accept my apologies.

[wastedtime4me]

Hey woman ..no apologies needed..I have been right where you are!!
once upon a time anyway{workwise}~~
Sometimes i dont feel up to sitting here and answering posts~its ok~Thank you for caring though!!!
{{{{{{{{bighugs}}}}]