Having Co-Dependency Problems

[ohsotired]

[font=Comic Sans MS]i shared that i picked up again- i have 2 days back now. through my entire recovery period, (almost a year) i have taken every suggestion, but one- the one that obviously kept me out there and not in here... it was suggested not to be in a relationship for the first year of my recovery. I was in one when i came into the rooms, we tried getting sober together, but picked up after seven months clean... then i broke up with him, which was hard because i had been with him for almost three years. i began dating someone in the rooms. we got along great, he treated me better than anyone else has ever treated me. I felt such guilt for breaking the heart of my first man, so i broke it off with the new one, and went back to my first man. then--- after 2 weeks realized again why i broke up with him in the first place- went right back to the new guy for about a month, then WENT BACK AGAIN!!!

this is insanity!!! the new guy told me this latest time, that i hurt him more than anyone else has ever hurt him and he could never set himself up to be hurt like that again. so about four days ago, i called him to see if we could hang out. he said yes. he picked me up and we went straight to the liquor store, and started drinking, which was wierd, cause we never used together before. in the 2 days that i was out drinking and drugging with him i desperately tried to get back together with him, crying in my beer and on my pipe, you know, he refused, saying he was only hanging out with me for the company and because he was horny (ouch) i was still happy just to be with him though (sick)

now, he is still out there, he's not returning any of my calls or even answering his cell phone. i know he's hanging around his ex who uses as well. my first boyfriend through all of this is calling me to check on me and letting me know he just wants me to get well so WE can be together again.

after telling this entire story to my spiritual advisor, it was explained to me (in his opinion) that since i have never spent anytime with myself, since i have been in a relationship with someone or another since i was 13, this is all happening to force me how to deal with being alone and getting to know and love myself... i can't stop crying and i can't stop thinking about his guy (the new one) he touched me in a way i have never been by anyone.. or why else would i feel this way?

any advice would be appreciated.

thanks, an addict named nicole

[sdp]

I don't have a lot of advice for you, as I am an anon and not a user..
However, I enjoy time by myself. The peace and quiet!!!!

And it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"..

Being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. Maybe try to develop solitary interests... I love to read..

Being without a man for a while is something to think about...

[liveweyerd]

I know for me, for talking about recovery or life or just about anything I only felt comfortable with women. My last relationship had torn me up. I came here and counted the days of no contact, like sobriety days. It worked really well for me and I got tremendous support and encouragement...and also some plain truths about the relationship I had been in.
I waited almost a year to date. And then cautiously.
But still, other than my boyfriend, I stick with the ladies.
I suggest you make female friends in the rooms. or go to ladies only meetings.
Taking care of yourself comes first.

[namommy]

I learned that as addict women we often look for validation in a man. Old school thinking (very old school) used to be that you had to have a man by a certain age or you were looked down upon as a spinster. That no longer exists. We may not have the spinster mentality, by we still tend to think that we need to have a man to feel like someone.

When I first got clean, I hung out with all men, and slept with most of them. I thought that was the only way that I was going to have friends. At about 90 days, I felt like using really bad because of it. At that point I made a decision to focus on ME. (I was going to a lot of sex parties with my sponsor) I dropped my sponsor, got a new one, told her what I was doing and I wanted it to stop. So she put me under direction to sit with women at the meetings, talk only to women before and after the meeting and at the break, and get phone lists from women and call at least one woman who I don't usually talk to everyday. Then each day call that woman back and add a new one. After that simple task then we started to work the steps and other things to work on me.

Today, I hang out with all women, other than when we go out in couples. I only call women and for the most part only women call me. It is a great feeling to have female friends. They can REALLY understand where a man has no clue.

[soberS.Thomas]

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Originally Posted by ohsotired

[font=Comic Sans MS]i shared that i picked up again- i have 2 days back now. through my entire recovery period, (almost a year) i have taken every suggestion, but one- the one that obviously kept me out there and not in here... it was suggested not to be in a relationship for the first year of my recovery. I was in one when i came into the rooms, we tried getting sober together, but picked up after seven months clean... then i broke up with him, which was hard because i had been with him for almost three years. i began dating someone in the rooms. we got along great, he treated me better than anyone else has ever treated me. I felt such guilt for breaking the heart of my first man, so i broke it off with the new one, and went back to my first man. then--- after 2 weeks realized again why i broke up with him in the first place- went right back to the new guy for about a month, then WENT BACK AGAIN!!!

this is insanity!!! the new guy told me this latest time, that i hurt him more than anyone else has ever hurt him and he could never set himself up to be hurt like that again. so about four days ago, i called him to see if we could hang out. he said yes. he picked me up and we went straight to the liquor store, and started drinking, which was wierd, cause we never used together before. in the 2 days that i was out drinking and drugging with him i desperately tried to get back together with him, crying in my beer and on my pipe, you know, he refused, saying he was only hanging out with me for the company and because he was horny (ouch) i was still happy just to be with him though (sick)

now, he is still out there, he's not returning any of my calls or even answering his cell phone. i know he's hanging around his ex who uses as well. my first boyfriend through all of this is calling me to check on me and letting me know he just wants me to get well so WE can be together again.

after telling this entire story to my spiritual advisor, it was explained to me (in his opinion) that since i have never spent anytime with myself, since i have been in a relationship with someone or another since i was 13, this is all happening to force me how to deal with being alone and getting to know and love myself... i can't stop crying and i can't stop thinking about his guy (the new one) he touched me in a way i have never been by anyone.. or why else would i feel this way?

any advice would be appreciated.

thanks, an addict named nicole

Hey Nicole:

Ièe been there, but it was happening to me, I wasnt doing the leaving and coming back. I know how much it hurts. I think your spiritual advisor hit it right on the head. I know your in pain, but right now you need to concentrate on you. Pray for God to help you let go of both these guys. Become humble. Every time a thought comes into your head, mentally kick it out. Ti takes time and lots of practice, but it works.

Keep busy, reading or talking with others, and oh by the way, those tears you will shead along the way are all healing tears, so let them out.

You may feel lonely, but you are not alone. Take some time to see what you are all about. My sponsor said to take a year, and she was right. I just believe that all will work out. God has a plan for you and for me. He is only going to give us what we can handle and obviously neither of us is ready right now. Keep looking at you, working the steps into your life, practicing the princilpes in all your affairs.

Right now you are choosing to hold on to this. Put out the garbage and don t go back and smell it every day. Let it all Go. everything will be fine. Just keep praying for your needs to be met, He will take care of you.

co dependant partner,
Jenn

[bubblze30]

You just told my story. About the men anywway. Since I was fifteen I have lived with a man and could not put anytime together. It wasn't until I was alone when I realized I can do it alone and I finally did it. I have been on my own almost three years and it's been the best three years of my life. I will never need a man to live again much more I will finally find a man and go out with him for the right reasons this time for love not sercurity. I still remain alone now because I believe I am not wuite ready yet. I am enjoying my time alone and so will you if you give it a chance. Although scary in the begining it does fade away hang in there and give it a shot.

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by ohsotired

he touched me in a way i have never been by anyone.. or why else would i feel this way?

My guess is you feel this way because co-dependence is a dependency on others to feel worthwhile and valuable. And when our value is dependent on others, when we're faced with the possibility of having to survive without those others, or when those others leave us or reject us, we feel worthless.

What you're describing sounds not only like co-dependence but also like love and sex addiction -- a desperate need to be in relationship in order to feel whole, valuable, worthy. A sense that outside of a relationship we feel abandoned, fearful, alone, of little value. As you can see from the responses here, a lot of us have been there. And it's hard to break the dependency -- often harder than breaking a dependency on a substance.

When we're in the thick of love or sex addiction we are fooled alot by what we think is love. Our need is so great, we love the source of whatever crumbs we get. And we came by our needs honestly, by not having them met so long ago as young children. As we get stronger, we can learn through recovery work to have internal strength, to see ourselves as worthy, to feel true self-esteem from the inside that breaks this kind of dependency.

My hunch is that this man hasn't 'touched you' in any magical way. In fact, it sounds like he's used you in a very self-serving and disrespectful way that devalues you. Does it make sense that you would be 'touched' in a very special way by someone who uses you for convenient company and because "he's horny"? If you looked at it as a friend from the outside looking at it, does it make sense that this man, someone who treats others like this, is someone special? Or is it more likely you're bound to this man for some really unhealthy reasons: a need (understandable) to feed on the crumbs, no matter how poorly you're treated.

You are worthwhile. All on your own. Give yourself a chance to break the scripts from the past and discover just how worthwhile you are.

gf

[ohsotired]

thanks to everyone, i so enjoy getting feedback from this forum. thank you for your advice. i'm crying so much but i know this is what i have to go through so i never have to cry for this specific reason again!

thanks again,
an addict named nicole

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by ohsotired

i'm crying so much but i know this is what i have to go through so i never have to cry for this specific reason again!

Nicole,

Your words are so very true. Let the tears fall. I remember when I began to wake up to my love addiction I cried huge amounts for several weeks. There was so much grief. Grief for the girl and woman who had gone about getting her needs met in ways that were so unhealthy. Grief for what I had accepted in the name of love. Grief for the little girl who was so afraid to be alone. Grief for devaluing myself so much that I accepted terribly poor treatment from those I defended and stayed with. Grief for simply feeling such a big pit of need. For feeling such a huge need to be loved that I had learned to survive by responding to male attention and feeding on it because I felt so bad inside. Grief for my inability to be alone because it felt like such a scary place. Grief for feeling so unloved growing up.

The tears fell. And fell. And over time, i began to see the truth. That it made sense I felt all this given what I had lived through as a child. And I began to accept and deal with the shame. I'm still working on it.

And I could begin to separate the lies from the truth. The truth is I am loveable and valuable and I could start taking care of myself in a way that honoured that. I could start making choices that were loving for myself. And I could start making decisions about who I would relate with and who I wouldn't. And I could stop relating with those that didn't see me as deserving of respect and love and behave accordingly. I could start to say, 'no more'.

best,
GF