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Old 10-25-2004, 08:39 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Encouraging words of hope

I wanted to maybe reach out for some suggestions and help on how to cope with a situation. I have a 6 yr. old son and a 3yr. old daughter, they have different fathers. Well during my addiction I had asked both of their fathers separately to take care of the children on a full-time basis until I had suitable living situations for them in the meantime I would take them every weekend. This was one of my moments of clarity which was a little clouded because I didn't think I was an addict, I was just in the wrong relationship and did not want to submit my children to such abuse. I figured once I got away from him or got thru to him all would be well. This decision came after a very very serious problem that occured with my children as witnesses. They both agreed and said "what are you doing?", "why are you doing this to yourself?", "I never expected this from you!" So it happened and I hated every minute of my life from that point on and regretted in a way but knew it was the right thing. (selfish thinking). So I remained a serious, self-willed, full blown addict for the next 2.5 yrs.

Went to a re-hab on Dec. 1st last yr. and stayed clean for 52 days thru the holidays, accomplished my goal, and not seeing my children on Christmas set me back into the thinking this **** is never gonna change no matter what I do. I am just better off staying out of everyone's life if I can't stay in it. They are all okay without me and just really wanted to shrivel up and die.

My birthday is the same as my Mom's and my daughters the day before. When I called to see my daughter for her birthday I was told yes and he never showed, then on my birthday I was told I could see her again and he never showed. I then called my mother who I hadn't spoken too since the last time in Rehab and apologized and told her I loved her and I could not do this anymore (did not remember doing this, she and my grandmother both told me I called and said this) and from that point on nobody heard from me and about 2wks. later I wound up somewhere in Trenton, beaten, raped, and on the verge of death. I was in the Emergency room and they asked me who to call to pick me up I said "I don't know, I don't have anyone that cares anymore." and that was the most horrible truthful words I ever spoke. Needless to say my mother and father showed up, detoxed me and I have been clean ever since. 55 days.

(I get the kids every weekend now) All has been well until yesterday. My daughters father, is threatning to keep my daughter from me now. because I have kindly refused an offer to get back together with him at this moment in time, I just can't worry about him right now I know that and he is so offended and says "I'll see you in court"

Knowing my track record I fear the worst and I am so afraid of loosing her again, how will she know the difference that it is not me disappearing out of her life? How will she know I am not abandoning her again? He has been so nice thinking we were getting back together, but when I was honest and truthful he backlashed the way I expected, but I could not deal with the pressure from him any longer.

But I guess I just need some advice on how to handle this situation if it goes to court and should I be this completely honest with the judge? I know this situation is turning down a bad road, he is very spiteful, and revengeful.

Please help.
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Old 10-25-2004, 08:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I am sorry that you are going through this.

This first thing that I learned in recovery is that honesty is the only way to go. It is not right for your ex to hold your daughter from you like that but not being honest about the situation in court will not help either.

Congrats on your 55 days clean, keep up the GREAT work. But just like when you were in the hospital and said no one cared and then your parents showed up to help, you don't know what the furture holds. Keep doing what you are doing, staying in recovery and time will be on your side.
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Old 10-25-2004, 08:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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(((((Gwnm)))))

It sounds like you have been through quite an ordeal. I am glad you made it here. Sounds like you need lots of prayers for you and your kids. Maybe for your ex too. I say pray for your ex and it will help your heart to change towards him and he will be able to see the change and hear it in your voice.

We can't change others. We can only change ourselves and sometimes that is just what is needed to make a bad situation better. Keep posting and praying I will be with you and I am sure others will be too.....
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Old 10-25-2004, 09:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
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GWNM,

It's already been said, Be Honest. If it goes to court, and you are honest about the situation and that you are now in recovery, the judge will be more understanding than you think. Once he finds out why he is with holding your visits with your daughter, it is not going to look very good on him.

Unfortunately, it takes TIME for everything to start to fall into place. It will happen, but in Gods time and not yours.

You've got your parents on your side, and I know you have a lot of good people to support you through this. Utilize that love.

And like splendra said, pray for him. As hard as it may seem to do that right now, it just might work. God will put it in his heart, and maybe he will hear it.
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Old 10-25-2004, 09:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome!

I'm sorry for your situation too. It sounds very difficult and of course, you are worried about what your what your daughter will think. One of the hardest things I had to learn when I became sober was that I couldn't control what other people thought - not my husband, not my children. All I could do was to stay sober and do the best I could and let them see that I was doing well. Just hang in there and take care of yourself and stay sober. Things will work out.

Love, Anna
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Old 10-25-2004, 10:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Keep the faith. Be HONEST and whatever you do, know that dinking/using will only make it worse. You can do this with the love and support of others who know what it is like to be addicted and with your higher power. Can you get to some meetings? Hang in there... one day at a time, K?

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Old 10-25-2004, 11:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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wow...this story just took my breath away, also grabbed my heart! i think Paulie gave u some really good advive, i just wish you all the luck in the world! and also....congrats on your 55 days! u should be sooooooooo proud of yourself!
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Old 10-25-2004, 03:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you all so much for your advice. I do know being honest is essential for recovery and I know he will air lots of dirty laundry, but he also has a basketful. I try to pray for him and sometimes I give up it just not seem to work, persistence, persistence. As for the day he did this I really wanted to use, and talk about Utilizing the love from fellow addicts. This happened at 10 am he came to get her left with her screamin' and cryin', and everything I have been keeping prioritized suddenly dropped. I didn't want this to happen and surely tried preventing it from happening. But things are bound to happen. I didn't just "think" about getting high, I "wanted" to. But as that thought entered my head I got a phone call from another recovering addict inviting me to watch the football game. Since I really was not in the mood, I declined only to have her call back and say she really wanted me to come over, so I did. Gods work huh? After words I did make a meeting and shared this situation there, which I never share problems because I am afraid, I won't be able to share the solution..After words more fellow addicts invited me to join them at a friends house and talked me through a lot. I recieved a suggestion that night to keep a journal of my activity with the kids, how often my daughters father calls during her visits which is overwhelming. So I am grateful for everything.
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Old 10-26-2004, 08:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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((((((((((((((((((Godawillnotmine))))))))))))))))) )))
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Old 10-27-2004, 09:40 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi Prayer changes things , your trying to figure it out , and the Lord has all ready worked it out. This is a turning point in your life, a time to reflect on your go throughs, and realize who has really, brought you through . you are never along , God did not bring you this far to leave you , This is time to practice some spiritual principles in your life . starting with faith , and trust, that God does knows, sees, hears ,loves you , and will keep HIS promise. You must also surrender your children, and their fathers to GOD. let go and you, do what you need to do for yourself to the best of your ability and allow God to do the rest. This is also a good time for the serenity prayer. And remember that GOD strength will always show-up in your time of weakness. There are no limitions on what the LORD CAN DO! So what you need is the LORD , and the LORD is all you need . stand fast on HIS WORDS and allow HIM to fight your battle, you ask HIM to perpare you so that you maybe able to endure, and persevere . you must not quiet, no matter what. Give God the praise ,and HE will give you strength, willingness, and courage to suceed, and to stay on thr jounrey . You just trust the process , there is a BLESSING IN THIS LESSON . you stay tooned-in for the next epicsod coming soon. (Beloved)
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Old 10-27-2004, 05:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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GWNM,

Hang in there girl. Things will work out the way they are supposed to. You are doing great in your recovery and you will continue to grow. Make sure you keep reaching out to people and talking about what is going on in your life. and CALL ME. If you lose the number, ask anyone around here, most people have it. Hopefully I will see you one night this week.
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Old 10-28-2004, 07:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Did you sign any paper work giving him temporary custody. If not you have every right to go pick your child up with out him doing a darn thing. If you did sign a paper this could work in your favor. Simply telling the judge you signed it with the stipulation of it being temporary. You needed help and you got it. It was agreed between the two of you that this is what was to happen. As long as you stay clean oh advise is also to get urines done even if you have to pay five or ten bucks as I did it's worth the paperwork. If you have counceling a letter from them if no councelor get one it looks good in court shows you are working with them and your recovery. Go to meetings and bring a paper to have it signed this too looks good in court. Another suggestion I have and these are only if you gave him temp custody get involved in a parenting class they are usually free if not insurance could cover it. at the end of the course you get a certificate. All this paper work the judge or mediator will see(a stable place to live also)you have done the footwork and they will give custody back to you. These things worked for me.

I was addicted I overdosed and went into a coma. My sister took her from my ex,went to court and told them I was going to die, she even brought a picture of me on life support.My daughter was a year and four months at the time. She told him my ex was touching her and using(was not true)So the judge gave her temp custody. Well, when I came out of the coma and found this out I wasnted to die. Once I could move my arms, I was shooting up instead of snorting heroin. I wanted to die. I ran with the drugs for two plus years. I finally came to know I would never see her(my sister said no visits even)again if I didn't get clean. So I went into a program put all the paperwork together and the day they seen all the paper work I was only going for visitation, the mediator told me to take her home. I almost fell on the floor. It was the second happiest day of my life and the scariest. So take this advice from not only mind but experience. Good luck and never give up the fight. My daughter had just turned four when I got her back and she is nine and three months almost. I'll never lose her again. You can do this if you want to.
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Old 10-31-2004, 12:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Hey great story it is almost my story , I to had to surrender to the fact that I HAD JUST HAD ENOUGH! and that GOD was the answer, that lead me to a 12step program. I had to do everything , and anything humanly possible to have my child returned home. And It's only by taking suggestions, from people that GOD, had placed in my life. praying and asking GOD , for the strength, and willingness that was needed to carry out what was asked by the state (DCFS). I cryed many tears , and my faith at times were even shaken , but never lost. I today thank GOD for devine intervention, through using the state to show me that "HE" is the ULTIMATE ATHUORITY , and that I am nothing with-out HIS grace, and mercy, guidance , direction , and most of all "HIS LOVE". so anyone with this same dilemma, time to get plugged-in and take some suggestions , keep an open-mind, trust the process and stay prayed-up. GOD does hear, and answer prayer But ,when in prayer ask THINE WILL BE DONE. keep everything docomented, and on file always get copies of everything. from the times that you make phone contacts with the care-giver , random-drops, regular-meetings, anger-management,and any other outside self-help , or support. ulitize all resources that are available , talk about everything, and use about nothing start a journal , and some short term goals for yourself , if you need treatment then go in house it is time to get out of the problem, into the solution . what ever you do , you (MUST NOT QUIT , NO MATTER WHAT!). STAY ON THE JOURNEY , know that your goals, are much greater than your struggles. we love you here , you are not, and shall never be along .so don't use, keep showing-up , GOD's strenght shows-up through your time of weakness . so expect it ,accept it , embrace it , because HE is the AUTHOR , and FINISHER of youe faint. there will be a Blessing in this lesson, and some gain with your pain. But the only way you would know is that you must continue to show. we are each others eyes and ears , yes we are our sista's keeper! ( Beloved. )
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Old 11-03-2004, 10:58 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Well, after reading all of these comments and suggestions it has given me such great hope. Needless to say he brought her over for the weekend on Halloween, I took her to the NA dance my son too, they had such a good time. He brought her back!!! A little argument.

Yesterday he called in the morning and me NOT being in a good mood, was kinda of ignorant he asked what my problem was I said I have really bad cramps and just brushed him off and hung-up. Well about 2hrs. later he knocks on the door about the 8th knock at the door of the day (elections) rather annoyed I opened the door and there he was with a box of Midol......(so sweet). I said is this sarcasm or concern? He laughed and said...a little bit of both. He gave me a hug and then left. He was working and took the time to go to CVS by Midol and bring it, he was never like that before I couldn't get him to pick up the kids for crying out loud. So now I am like feeling this way and that way, I am totally confused. God will take care of it for me, I just got to keep praying.

I am keeping a journal of my activity with the kids, and have thought about parenting classes, nobody neither of us have custody papers for my daughter, never have. My son I still have full custody according to Domestic Relations, this is all getting a little overwhelming and I need to just relax and let God handle the situation.

Everybody's stories are so touching and uplifting and I know there is hope, sometimes it is very hard to see and accept, but with all the people in the rooms, anything and everything is possible.

Thank you all
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Old 11-03-2004, 11:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Like Beloved says,
"And remember that GOD strength will always show-up in your time of weakness."

That's really powerful. Thank you, Beloved.

jojo
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Old 11-03-2004, 12:55 PM   #16 (permalink)
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GOD IS GOOD ! and will always show-up on time (smile). hey it's great that you had sometime with your kids, and that, that time was enjoyed by all. And it shouldn't have surprized you about your ex. Before he was your ex, there had to be hopefully something special between the two of you. I believe in the power of love, and true love will last even when the relationship does not. So just allow GOD to do what only HE can , touch, heal and restore the joys in life through relaying on Him know that HE will DELIVER (the postman has nothing on the LORD ). Huggs, and kisses keep comin back my sista! this is about understanding , and not always being understood. ( Beloved )
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Old 11-03-2004, 04:14 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Hi Honey,

It's good to see a post from you. I was wondering if you were coming back here. Things will work out just fine. Your kids are adorable.
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Old 11-04-2004, 02:48 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Thank you, I was absent for a little while, I am on so many sites sometimes it is hard to keep up, I just need to commit to one, instead of being everywhere, all the time. You looked awesome at the Dance, my daughter scared of the monsters but jumped right in Steve's arms, that was a shocker huh? Kids are great, talk to ya soon.
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Old 11-04-2004, 05:06 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Steve is on the same plane as kids, and they know it!
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Old 11-08-2004, 10:48 AM   #20 (permalink)
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True, huh....them damn Eagles made everyone in a slump, me and my Dad had an argument b/c he was in a bad mood, b/c they lost. Boo hoo. Laurie, I have work tonight until 9pm but I am going to try to call you, if not need to talk to you Tue. night. K? I have missed 3 meetings this week, first meetings I missed Sat. took kids to movies, Sun had to work, and tonight I have to work. Tue. night I will be there....I am going friggin' crazy, everything seems chaotic....humm wonder why that is???? These days I missed I could not get a hold of my sponsor, finally talked to her today. Her husband is doing good now though and is expected to come home soon. Hopefully things will improve, if not need to move on.....Well talk more to ya later. (it has nothing to do with that though) Hope to see ya soon.
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