Morning girls..

[wastedtime4me]

I made itanother day~~~
I almost had myself convinced for a few brief hours yesterday to just say forget it all!!!! I decided to write a friend and get it outta my system and pray insted and thjat really helped get me through!!My son is really givin me a hard way to go lately!! I have 90 days today actually that i havent smoked pot however that doesnt count because i drank..anyway the big problem was the pot in his eyes!!! I almost had 90 days before and slipped up..He asked me to take a drug test and i told him i would fail because i had smoked..Well now he said he doesnt care about any drug tests he doesnt trust me and probably never will that after i take one i could just go smoke again so why bother!!
He hasnt been talkin to me or askin how i am because he feels he will be safe if he keeps his distance he wont get hurt!That is an observation i have pieced together not his exact words~We talked briefly the other night and he said he isnt talkin to me alot because he doesnt trust me~~Yet when something is goin on with him and his g/f like the recent engagement i am suppose to be all into whats goin on with him!! I decided at some point yesterday not to make an excuse to use because i dont want to go backward!! I still have one child that looks up to me ~~I dont want to feel that dissapointment in myself again and the searching for another bag and the taking money outta the bank and lying to hubby about where it went..etcI DONT WANT THAT ANYMORE!! So i decided to try yet again one more talk with my son!! He actually came to me..He wanted to go somewhere so he comes down gives me a kiss and says can i go to g/f's house.I said go ask your dad since you cant talk to me unless you want something.I said this has got to stop.I am doing what i am suppose to do and its time you let go of the past and do what your suppose to do~I have made mistakes I am not perfect and i have issues i have been working on~Yet what i have done doesnt make me a bad person/mom and I dont deserve to be treated with this disrespect anymore ,I dont go anywhere anymore ..I take them to school..Pick them up most days.I cook dinner am home every night!!What more can i do??? His dad is not as understanding as i am~So until i see some respect from here on out for a while go ask your dad for whatever you need~~I mean he doesnt even say g'night to me anymore~I am the one who takes him out to practice driving ~his dad never takes him..So lets see if this doesnt work..I am not gonna let this take me back to using even though yesterday i was so close i could taste it~~I am still hurting over all this and not sure if this will work but dont know where else to turn~~I do know that just for today backwards aint the way to go~~thanks for listenin to my daily babble..grateful to still be clean and sober just for today~~

[liveweyerd]

Big hugs!!!

I admire the way you have detached and stepped back from son.
This is NO excuse for discounting all that you do....and justifying disrespect.

Good for YOU!!!

[tobstah]

hey! awsome! yeah i also have my moments where i wanna just give up. f uck it all and run! (was my old motto) lol... but then i have these moments where my head clears up and i see that its not worth it. i guess i need those moments and they are part of growth? anyway, KEEEEP IT UPPPPP!

[ButterflyChaser]

hey Girl, I'm with Live, she put it short & sweet! You are such a great person, everything will be ok!

[namommy]

WT4M,

I am really glad you didn't pick up. Remember, there is nothing worth using over and everything is temporary. This too shall pass.

The only way I know to give hope is through shared experience, so here I go.

When I first got clean and started living with my kids again, they didn't trust me. I never gave them any reason to trust me in the past. Anyway, my daughter used to say that she knew that I wouldn't be home for long, "You'll just meet another guy and go off using with him, just like always..." That hurt, and I thought she was always going to feel that way. Now, I have such a great relationship with all of my kids, they trust me and they love me. Most important, they know that I love them.

We all have Nextel phones, and everyday I hear her voice coming through (at least once a day) yelling "Momma-dukes" real loud. When I hear it I have to smile at how far we've come.

You can't tell them that things are different, you have to show them. Keep doing what you are doing for your recovery, continue to grow in spirit, and you will lead by example. They will come around, you'll see.

[ohconnie]

You did great not giving in to that urge; pat yourself on the back for that. Just keep doing what you're doing, your actions will get you farther then any words with your son. His defenses are up, but over time he will see how truly wonderful and strong his mom is.

[wastedtime4me]

Thanks girls for all of the support{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}We havent even spoke to one another today.I was hoping after our latest talk he would come home today and maybe ask how my day went~~but nope same ole same ole!!!I told him im not kissin his butt~~We have danced this dance before i say i am the mom i will be mature and take the first step~~Then after i ask him about his day and all he walks away~~So i waited and waited today and nothin!!!I have told him i have feelings too and they matter just as much as his do!!
His dad took him to work and he will be walkin home~Its not very far at all{5 min walk}~However I usually pick him up`not tonite though.I am gonna stand my ground this time~~Tough love is tough but im standin my ground~clean and sober~I know i will just have to gie time time!!Thanks again .I love S.R. and being able to come here anytime night or day means the world to me~~Thanks again for all of your replies :smlove2:

[cj.]

Originally Posted by wastedtime4me

~I do know that just for today backwards aint the way to go~

If you never know anything else, that should be sufficient!!

I really like to hear that you are living in the solution. Finding ways to connect with our children can be very frustrating. It's like we have to try to live up to Dr. Phil or something!!

No one ever guided me in methods of parenting. Even my Mom warned me, "You just wait. You'll find out some day."!!

cj