Using

[liveweyerd]

I have been using:

money
books
sleep

When I have money to take care of myself and avoid any dependence I feel good.
When I don't feel good, I hide and escape with books and sleep.

I keep wanting to just get well. Like antibiotics and infection, treat it and it is over. But in my case, it is never over. I hate that.

I have totally accepted the depression and treatment program. Why is it so hard with the anxiety? That's a rhetorical question!

I am hating my consequences right now! I overspent and am broke for a week. I had a check come in and sis said she would deposit it yesterday (not knowing I was busted) but she didn't (dependence).

So what do I do? Decide to tough it out with favored escapes (books and sleep).

I really refuse to do soul-digging right now. NOPE. Not until I get my anxiety med (money).

God! I am angry at myself! And ashamed.

[liveweyerd]

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

HALT

[Paulie]

Live -

Shame gets me no where and is a direct symptom of my disease. It tries to creep in my life now and then about things from my past.

I know that our situations are different, but I have a 'condition' that I have to live with and deal with on a daily basis also, my addiction. No it is not depression or anxiety (although anxiety is some areas is very alive in my life right now, but that is for another time), but nonetheless it is something that is alive and awake in my life everyday.

there are days that I don't work a program, that I feed my disease with self pity for things I lost or did not do during the years I was using. There are days that I let shame for things I did do when I was using keep me in a dark hole. But what keeps me from being in those dark holes everyday is my spirit. My spirit is alive and well and always fighting to stay in the light. Your spirit is doing the same thing my friend.

There is no shame in slipping. Don't let the shame win right now. Do what you need to do today to get through until you get your meds. If that means sleep, then do it. then get your meds when you get the money in your account.

Feed your spirit right now, don't feed your disease (shame).

[ButterflyChaser]

Live-
I hope you feel better I really do!! I'm opposite though, whenever I get depressed I just wanna sleep! That's it's just sleep my life away!! Thanks goodness I haven't gotten that way in a long time, I have a child who depends on me, ya know? I think sometimes, how grateful i am for her (my child) she's the reasons I HAVE to get up! Ya know??
I like reading when I feel good, what r u reading now?
Don't feel ashamed! PLEASE!! I admire you! You have been an inspiration to me!!!! I know I've told you this before but I am telling you again, cuz I want you to know that!
((((((((((((((((((Live))))))))))))))))))
Feel better soon

O ya, i alsmost forgot to say that the meds I'm on also help my anxiety, stress & depression (wellbutrin)

[ButterflyChaser]

Live ~~
I just posted a poem called "Hey You!" it's right here in women's recovery, PLEASE go read it, it's from Me 2 You!!!!!
((((((((((((((((((Live)))))))))))))))))))

[namommy]

((((((((Live))))))))

I would much rather sleep or read a book, than pick up a bag of dope. One way or the other, we ARE going to feed our addiction. It's just a matter of picking the lesser of two evils. Example: When we first get clean, we can obsess over a bag of dope, or obsess over which meeting we are going to that night. Thank God I chose the meetings. If I have to be addicted to something I would much rather it be a job, or a hobby, or even a book.

By the way, I am still practicing complete abstinence from Wal-mart (2 weeks).

[GettingFree]

LW,
The hardest lessons for me to learn are gentleness and compassion for myself. I have been so good at beating up on myself for so long. Worry, fear, shame, self-contempt...all very familiar companions. "Why did I...? "****...why can't I ...?"

Now when I see myself headed down that road, I try and stop. Sometimes I need a detour pointed out by my partner. I need it identified, to see I'm now judging myself and beating up on myself. And I try and stop and ask, "What would I say to a dear friend feeling the same thing right now? Or what would I say to one of my children."

And I try and put myself in that role. And be kind to myself. Be compassionate. Understanding. Accept me. And love myself. And try and do the most loving thing for myself I can in that moment. Even if it's taking 5 minutes to breathe and tell myself I am a good, kind, loving person, and I got here because of a whole lot of other things that happened early on.

Next time you start to beat up on youself maybe ask, is this right rage, wrong person?

[namommy]

Oh well,

I had to go to Wal-mart tonite to buy supplies for a school project. But, I did pretty good. The only extras I bought were bubble bath and body spray.

We all substitute with something.

[liveweyerd]

thank you, dear friends.

My deposit cleared and after coffee and I get myself psyched up a bit, I will go get the damned xanax.

I have let myself get terribly weak, physically. Laying in bed not eating enough, losing myself in one book after another.
Hey, at least I could afford the room service coffee today! I have to drink bottled water, Montezuma's revenge. I am able to drink a little of the potable water to build up a resistance but I know better than to overdue it or the bathroom will be my best friend.
It was hard to step foot outside of my room this morning to go a quarter of a block to the bank! I feel very exposed and transparent. I look like a scarecrow! And yes, I have had too many people wondering what is wrong with me....and I want out of the scrutiny.
When I am well, I love the spotlight..I am a ham-it-up person. When I am not well I do not want anyone to look.
I did not stop taking the depression meds, I know I can't pull myself out of that. I am scared to death of the full-blown depression and those meds take weeks to stabilize. But I guess I have proven to myself the dual diagnosis and that the anxiety is equally debilitating. See, I was hoping it was addiction to the drug! The nice thing, and I am queasy fantasizing about it, is that the xanax is instant. 10 minutes. For me, as needed means twice a day.
Today I am going to try to give myself a break. For one day, I need to stop thinking (obsessing) and just put myself in the moment. Get my meds, get outside, walk, take photos....anything as long as I get out of my room and do not spend all my money. I really can't do that without the meds.
I fall into self-hate, thinking it is so WEAK.
Thank you very very very much for your understanding and kindnesses.
I hope I have learned from this what I had all ready learned about the depression: I can't afford this! I will lose everything if I do not take care of myself and, like it or no,
that means I take all the meds.
I am not going to talk about it anymore right now. I will get myself into the get up and move gear.

[Paulie]

I hope you are enjoying your day Tena.

[ButterflyChaser]

I, too, hope you are enjoying your day to!!

Can I ask you? What type of books to you like to read? I'm asking because I like to read myself, & I was just curious what u like to read & what authors, maybe I might enjoy them as well! lol I need a book that will GRASP me & I can't put down!

Can I also tell you a really and I mean REALLY good book that I think you should read right now, that would help you OH so much right now.....
It's called "In the Meantime" By~ Illanya VanZant
Please just give it a shot, if youlike to read then PLEASE go out & get that book, it'll be well worth it, & you'll thank me in the long run!

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{{live}}}}}}}}}}}
I hope you have take care of yourself today like you would a good friend~~

[liveweyerd]

Butterfly, I smile...I am in Argentina and the selection of books in English is quite thin!!
I like reading social sciences alot.....but I limit those. I get too damned serious.
I read bestseller mysteries. Who dunnit?? All those sick forensic sciences things and when I go on a binge I read one a day. Gee, this week, I have learned how to poison someone and it not show up in an autopsy. And, in between, I read human stories. But again, I tend to pick at old wounds. The one I am reading now is about a tragic loss of a child. (My son was a suicide). I guess I look at those to understand and put in perspective.

Well, I am writing an article on Argentina for the college newspaper back home in Indiana. It is a smaller community college, I was the editor of the newspaper when I attended and now my daughter is a student and contributes to the paper. So I am thinking this is totally cool. She and I both particulary love the professor that oversees the paper,...like I did she takes classes because he is the prof. What a loved man and a hero! But this evening she wrote that I have 5 days to complete it and finish it. At this point all I have is the intro. Better fake some inspiration, eh?

My boyfriend told me this evening that I have diarhea of the fingers! Ha! It works, I can type 100x faster than he can and he talks enough for both of us!

Okay, I just want to thank everyone again for the tremendous understanding and support.

I refilled the xanax, took it and within 20 minutes was totally okay....myself again! What a miracle!
And no matter how much pressure others put on me because of its bad reputation I must keep in mind my truth.
I was a little annoyed with bf tonight because he was supposed to have mailed them over a week ago and was setting on them. I told him that is not his place anymore than it is for me to take my sisters' beer away. And that, unlike beer, this is something I need.
A person can abuse anything. As others' wisely pointed out to me. I can overdue my love of reading instead of taking care of my life. And much better a book, than something truly destructive.
LOVE YOU ALL!
I have got to write an article, love it, love it, love it.

[namommy]

So glad to hear that you are feeling better. Good luck with that article.

[Paulie]

(((Tena)))

[ButterflyChaser]

(((((((((((((((((tena))))))))))))))) You were cracking me up about the poisoning, & what you've learned so far in reading your books! Sounds like you are doing better, at least your personallity is shining thru.

Hey, had to ask you are u american in argentina? Just curiuos cuz you said something about the books being in english were very low...Heck, I'll do something for you, I'll mail you this book!!! The book I was taking about "In the Meantime" the one I have is still like new, & would mail it to you if you really were interested in it, I'm a nice person like that!: But I really really am! and I don't mind one bit! just as long as you wouldn't mind a "used " book! Lol
If you decided you'd like for me to do that, just PM me your mailing address, and I'll be sure to send You a wonderful book!

[liveweyerd]

Thanks for your generosity but I plead with people not to send me anything other than letters. I have to go through customs to pick a package up and it is so much hassle. Further they charge me 50% of the value. And it takes 10-12 weeks to get here. I mailed letters to my bf 3 weeks ago and he still hasn't gotten them!

Yes, it is amazing....one pill and the shame is gone. the anxiety is gone. the obsessive fear is gone.

Love you all...and I am going to try to make some progress on that article and make it good. My goal is to evoke an emotional response. There will be two articles. One a descriptive piece such that the readers feel they can see it and they feel enticed to visit. The other a factual background as accompaniment.

Here I go.....some days I am inspired and it writes itself in my head in one piece, others it is more of a struggle. This evening it isn't there just waiting for me to type fast enough. But it will come. Maybe I will sit on the floor and do some OOOHHHHMMMMMs

hahahaha