Here I go

[BrownEyes]

Today is the day. I have been on this board for awhile reading. I am a recoverying junky. Been clean 8 years. Exchanged alcohol for my old doc. I was diagnosed with liver failure 2 years ago. I slowed down. Got a clean bill of health about 7 months ago. Back at it hard and heavy. I haven't lost material things, just relationship and my own piece of mind. For that reason I give up on recovery. I think I can make it for the rest of my life as a drunk. I know that I am cheating myself. All of the alcohol is out of my home. I am going to give this a try. My husband is also a drinker. I am not going to say anything to him about my attempt. I have before and I failed. He got on a kick that if "one of us wants to drink that person needs to pack up and go do it." I myself don't like that thought. So I figure what he does not know will not hurt him. He is an all or nothing kind of guy. He smokes pot and I don't feel that it is my place to tell him about that. But when I fail with my drinking I reach to all coners of the earth to remind him just how imperfect he is.


Here lately I have no desire to much of anything. I am self employeed and can work from home. I have not been in the office for over a month. I know this has to do with my drinking. Need to get back to it. I have lost all self discipline. I have lost all desire to do much of anything. I have to pull my hair and kick my own ass to get out of bed in the morning.


I also have a son. He used to get on to me about my drinking. I have gotten defensive with him. He no longer mentions it. I know that he does not like it. He will come home and look at the trash and look at me and not say a word. He knows his mom is not like most of his buddies moms.

My mom dealing with my meth addiction, just will not even get involved with my alcoholism anymore. She tells me I will quit when I am ready. She used to stop by unannounced to check on me. I would lie to her about my drinking. Tell her I had quit when I really didn't.

I have an AA in my town. I have been in and out of those doors many times over the last 12 years. I need to find another one. I am just not comfortable going to that one. Same old faces. I will feel like a joke if I was to step foot in there for the one hundreth..........time. When I got off the meth it was something I did on my own. Went to two rehabs and many relapses. It seems to be harder with alcohol. It is not such a dirty drug to me. I don't peek out my windows and hide. I walk out my front door with alcohol in a cup and feel like I get away with it. Alcohol is so dishonest. At least with meth I knew it was not sociably acceptable.

Anyway got my wagon out....all filled up ........tires checked and I am on it! I pray that it works this time. It gets harder and harder to check back in.

Anyway thanks for listening. Feels good to get it off of my chest. God bless to those who are recovering!

[Paulie]

Brown eyes -

Hi and welcome, I admire your honesty, I know it is not easy to admit we have a problem.

I would suggest that you stay in the moment, don't think about 'never', just stay in today.

I know lots of people get and stay sober alone, I could not do that. I had to get help and meetings are what helped me and continue to help me 9 years later. If you want to go to AA find a meeting, you earned a seat there, don't let you disease intimidate you and tell you any different.

You are right drinking is different, I get that completely, but that does not mean that you cannot stop.

There is a great group of ladies here at SR, some have been exactly where you are, they will support you and love you until you can love yourself.

God Bless and keep posting. We are all here doing the same thing, staying sober just one day at a time.

[BrownEyes]

Thanks for your reply. Yes I do have to stay in today. But I so look forward to some peace in my life. I know that this will take time. I have to learn to trust myself. Feel confident with myself and love myself. The word guilt gets thrown around alot on here. Addiction=Guilt. I have found another meeting that is close to home. A new meeting. I will give that a try. I have to remind myself that I didn't get like this overnight and I will not be healed tomorrow. Thanks again for all of your support.

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{browneyes}}}}}}}}}}}
i too admire your honesty...it sounds to me like your on your way!!
sending prayers your way!!!!!!!

[Anna]

Brown Eyes,

Congratulations on your decision. It's good to hear that you are ready to take back control of your life. I hope you keep posting here - you'll find lots of support and understanding. You can do this!

Love, Anna

[BrownEyes]

Thanks you all made it through day 1! Now I am working on day 2!

[Rowan]

Good for you Brown Eyes! Keep posting here and let us know how you are
doing! We Care!

Love R

[Paulie]

Day 2, that is great!!!

[bubblze30]

[quote]"I have an AA in my town. I have been in and out of those doors many times over the last 12 years. I need to find another one. I am just not comfortable going to that one. Same old faces. I will feel like a joke if I was to step foot in there for the one hundreth..........[quote]

Being able to go into the meeting time and time again shows strength a strength many don't have. You have gone back in before and I suggest you do it again. No one will judge you, no one will look at you in any way but admiring your strength to go back. If anyone does look at you in any other way they need help not you. Stand up, brush your self off, and move on...Go into that meeting with your head held high. Some never make it back and still some never make it anywhere but death. So be greatful you are given the chance to try one more time to get clean. relapse is not a requirement but it is a part of recovery. So please don't beat yourself up. Way to go on day 2. Hope to see you tomorrow with day three but just for today be proud of you, I am!!!

[namommy]

If you have been reading these posts for a while, you will already know that once again I am a day late. lol

I wanted to stop in and say hello, and welcome you to SR. Congrats on Day 2. It takes courage to get honest and to take that first step. Because of that courage you have earned the right to hold your head high and walk into any meeting you want. You have earned that seat with the same pain that the others did. Keep coming back, better yet, STAY it's easier.

[wastedtime4me]

congrats on day 2!!!!!!!!!!
hope to see you keep comin back!!!!

[BrownEyes]

Well trying again. Back to day 1. Got one hell of a hang over, so sick. Guess this should be a lesson. Thinking today about a plan. Found a new meeting in another city. Will be there tomorrow. It really wasn't worth it. Feel all alone in my sick little head. Looking forward to getting better. Thanks all for listening.

[CarrieSueBee]

Brown eyes -
I would be so HAPPY to see somebody come back into AA even if it is their 100th time. Absolutely 100%, it would not be a joke. I'd welcome you back!

I really worry about people when they disappear for a while from the meetings and my ONLY concern is that they are OK. If they appear back in AA, my spirit sings with joy.

I hope you find a meeting you are comfortable with. Love and support are here, as well as the on-line meeting on Thursday nights here at SR.

[namommy]

Browneyes,

Don't beat yourself up. It happens. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. Just remember, if nothing else, don't quit quitting.

[Anna]

Brown Eyes,

You're not alone.

Love, Anna

[BrownEyes]

Hello all! Woke up today with another dose of hope. I am nervous about this meeting today. But I am sure I will be fine. I have to start somewhere. This will be a good step. If anything it will get me out of the house. That can't hurt either. My husband and I talked yesterday. He mentioned that he thinks I am deppressed. What did I do ............start balling. Guess he may be on to something. The word makes me quiver. I'm thinking it may be due to alcohol. When he said that all I could do was listen to him. My mind was lost for words. It is something I don't want to admit. I talk to my Mom and she describes to me how I am when I am sober. Wow what a great person! She says I am funny and have a wit about me. Hard to remember me being that way. :Flush: She gives me hope that I can be a good person if I am sober and that gives me hope to sober up. When my son woke up this morning I told him good morning. He said good morning mamma, I love you. Another I love you before he left for school along with a kiss. He is so forgiving of me. Talk about unconditional love. I dream one day I can be the Mom that he deserves. Consistant. I thank all of the neat people on here that have given me an ear. Take care.

[bubblze30]

We use for different reasons. I used because of my childhood it wasn't exactly the best so I used in order not to feel. If you are depressed get some counsiling. What can it hurt. You may find something that changes your life all together. All we can do is keep trying our best not to use. I hope that you find you again and soon. Keep posting it helps.