Ok. I admit it.

[bashi]

I finally took a good look at myself this morning and faced the fact that I am out of control. Me, the control freak, out of control.

It was only a matter of time. I began exploring this dreaded fact last week when I decided to contact a professional regarding the psycho section of my problem. I was really freaking out.. My period just started today and I know that was part of the problem. (I became a dragon queen with PMS after my last pregnancy 4 years ago) I quit smoking 3 months ago and caved in friday night and smoked... I SMOKED! 3 months smober. This morning I faced the fact that drinking at night "to take the edge off" has become mind numbing. I drank more to drown the smoke craves. I drank to calm my anger and frustration. Stress managment. I drank because it became my evening ritual.

I started blacking out. I never knew what that was until a few weeks ago and it scared me. I've been trying to be moderate but I always get to a point where I forget and continue until I am ripped. This not a good thing for a mom to do. Especially since I have a budding teen daughter. Oh my god! I would be horrified if she followed my example. I gotta stop this now. But I'm afraid that when 6pm rolls around and I'm cooking... I'll be thinking of that glass of wine. That's when it always falls apart. In fact, my cigarette quit failed just the same as always- in about the same amount of time. I don't plan to continue to smoke. But I feel really weak and used up. I need some alternative that makes me feel like I have something of my own. Only women seem to be able to understand that statement- in my limited experience, that is.

I made an appointment with this psychologist this morning and I feel a bit better. She seems to be warm and very "in touch"- like she "gets it". I have been through this so many times but that "connection" never develops and I feel lost and eventually just stop showing up. I hope this is different.

Well that's my introduction. I am admitting I have a problem and very very carefully avoiding naming that problem specificly, as you and I know I must do... I just can't say it yet.

i am terrified.

[Anna]

Hi Bashi,

Welcome! I, too was a control freak who got out of control. Trying to control everything caused me so much grief, I'm glad to finally get out of it. I'm Anna, recovering alcoholic. I began drinking to deal with depression and physical pain and in no time at all, I couldn't stop and didn't want to stop. I had given everything to my husband and kids and not taken care of myself at all. I was completely lost. I couldn't imagine getting through a day with alcohol.

But, finally I stopped and realized that life without alcohol is wonderful. You can stop drinking today and begin to feel better physically and emotionally. It's hard to do, but so worth it and we're here to help support you.

Keep posting.

Love, Anna

[wastedtime4me]

welcome to S.R. {{{{{{{{{bashi}}}}}}}}}}
dont think in terms of forever when your tryin to quit...just for today tell yourself im not gonna drink..can you change the time you cook by maybe an hour??then after dinner go for a walk...get on here ..just dont pick up!!! it would probably be a good idea to get rid of any wine you might have left also!!good for you realizing you may need to see someone..alot of times people deny there having problems and try to go it alione!!i really hope this therapist works out for you!! i have 2 kids 13 and 17 andfeel like you do,,i dont want to set that kind of example for them!!! i am a smoker also..i know just how hard it is to try and quit but i would take it one problem at a time here!!! dont try to quit it all in one day ..ok. i started to black out as well thats why i cant drink....not to mention its all i thought about .i drank mainly on the weekends and its all i ever looked frwd to...not a way to live life i dont think!! well i really hope to see you back here again..you have found a wonderful place to come for inspiration strength and hope!!! remeber dont think too far ahead.."just for today" you dont have to drink!!!
wt4m

[Paulie]

Hi bashi and welcome to SR -

You have made the first step, you called and made an appointment for help. That is GREAT.

As was already suggested sometimes we have to make adjustments in out life, get all the booze out of your house, that is the first step.

Stick around here there is a great deal of friendship and support.

[Chy]

Hi Bashi and welcome!
You'll get a lot of support here as well. Good job making the call and taking that first step!

[bubblze30]

Bashi. You acknoledging you have a problem is a huge step. This must have been very difficult for you to finally admit. Although you may not be able to say it yet the fact that it's in your head on your mind is a step in the right direction. It's all a process, it takes time and patience. We did not get these problems we face over night and they will not be gone over night either. The blackouts are a big red flag proving the alcohol and you don't mix and it is a problem. Stick around for a while. Read some posts maybe some of the stories people posted and you may feel more comfortable over time. Maybe just come in and read don't post. Eventually you will be able to say the words and that is when the recovery process will then tak another crucial step. There is alot of support for us out here and it's up to us to use it. My prayers are with you and I hope that you get out of this site what I have.

I was a broke down heroin and cocaine(crack)addict. I used alcohol as well. I would get blackouts, overdoses and more. I was in a coma for because I overdosed for four months and still didn't admit I had a problem. Today this site, support groups and couseling help me admit my problem and focus on why I became addicted and teach me ways of staying away from it. I didn't get it though until I finally admitted I was an addict. I hope now that you are aware there is a problem you will learn some of the things I had learned and you will move in a positive direction.

This site is here morning noon and night. It's here at three in the morning when we can't sleep but and have the urge to use. Instead we can come in here and post and wait for the urges to fade. This site has helped me in that way and others. I have learned that I can be a friend with another women and they don't have alteria motives. I learned my honesty won't hurt me but will help me. I hope to see ya again in here. You are not alone all we try to do is help each other if we been through a similar experience and share what we learned from it and/or gained from it. So plaease stick around a bit.

[bashi]

Thanks for the welcome, support, and personal stories.

I just want to be normal! AGh! Why do I torture myself so?

Thanks for reading through my ramble. I felt like I needed to do it just to make it real. Get it out there. Like a commitment to getting better- to changing my life. I have so much to live for. I have so much good fortune in my life now. Why would I do these dangerous things to my body? I feel very fortunate that I have found the courage to open my eyes now while it is still early. I can see this getting really out of hand.
I"m glad I'm a mom. Kids have a way of making me honest. Even when it sucks.

I'll hang around.
thanks again
bashi

[junem]

Welcome Bashi. Just try not drinking for today and worry about tomorrow when it comes. You can not drink this one day, can't you? If you have to break it up into hours. Just don't drink this hour and when the next hour comes try not to drink that hour. That is how it is done at first. Getting support from others who have the same problem helps too and that is why alot of us recomend AA. I also would suggest you be honest about your drinking with your new therapist as she can be of help as well.

[indigo]

Indigo drink drugs once pathetic ....now well it just gets better and better. Keep trying, keep posting and welcome.

indigo

[CarrieSueBee]

bashi,
Maybe don't think about "normal" versus "abnormal" I say I can't drink because I'm not "average" and hardly anyone wants to be "average."

I too am a mom, and I am horrified at the risk I exposed my son to when I was drinking!

It is that fiirst sip, that first drink...that causes a unique chemical reaction in our (alcoholics) brains. One sip converts directly to a sedative to the brain and there is no stopping after tht first drink until we get "ripped" as you said!

It is not a matter of self control or will power after that first drink. All our good judgment, sound thinking, reality, will power, and self control are surendered the moment we take that first drink.

I went 22 days sober on my own with a book "How to Stop Drinking Without AA" and I didn't relapse, but the book suggested going to AA. So I did. Best thing I ever did.

I didn't want to be a bad mom either. But after that first drink, I didn't have a choice.

Try to change your living (cooking) and grocery list so you have no wine. That is a good start.

Many times I promised myself I would stop. I wanted to stop. I didn't know how. You need a program, a framework, a plan - of how to stay stopped once you stop. At the very least, I suggest looking on the internet at the 12 steps of AA. Heck, if AA doesn't work, you can always chuck it for a different plan. All I know is that my old plan - the one of me stopping on my own - never worked before and it won't work in the future either.

Now, I LOVE my life. It is better than it has ever been - and that is saying a lot! I wake up and feel GOOD! Today I had a horrid day by most measures - no hot water (hot water heater broke) gum surgery and a sick baby, but it was BETTER than my best day drinking.

Good luck to you!!!
I wish you all the good things you are willing to work for,
-CSB