Admitting to needing help

[barbiebyanyothe]

Hi,
I'm new to this page, but am able to admit my limitations. I have been involved with a coke adddict for the last year. I didn't know at first and when I did find out, I was swept up in the glamour of it. I just left him. He can't quit using. He is in total denial of it all. He goes on two-three day binges and blows 8-10 grand a month. I initially denined the amount and frequency- I liked it too. When he developed sores in his nose, I helped him cover it up. I know that I have enabled him, I love him and I want to protect him. But, when I confront him, he is hostile and mean, denying the use. He finally resorted to just disappearing and lying about his whereabouts. The final straw was I met, by chance, another in recovery. The similarities are profound and I realized that I cannot make him change. I'm saddened beyond belief. What to do . Please send feedback

[pena76]

Hey girl! Well, it must be hard but u have to help u! And if he does not want help its sad, however we have been there right? Maybe him losing u will make him think? Do or did u use too? This is a great place, I have been posting for a few now, however swept back to the bad life, and now struggling more than ever to come clean and not lose my family. But we have to do what we have to do. I pray that he will change for u. I can only imagine how my hubby feels about me.... take care and keep posting!!!!!!!!!

[barbiebyanyothe]

Yes,
I'm a user a well. Never thought I would be, but... I know that has a big part in this, it's hard to let him go, because...I didn't/don't want to quit as well.

[wastedtime4me]

welcome to s.r {{{{{{{{{{barbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}
keep comin back!!

[CarrieSueBee]

Hi barbie -
Keep checking in here, you could also try Al Anon and/or Narc Anon meetings in order to really understand the complex nature of this situation. We are all here to support you in this decision.

Perhaps he has to really loose you and hit "bottom" before he is willing to admit his problem(?). If so, leaving him and ending the enabling may be the best way to love him right now.

Anyway, leaving a boyfriend and changing a lifestyle are two very difficult things and I wish you all the strength in the world.

[Paulie]

Hi and welcome to SR -

You have made the first step, you have reached out for help. I would suggest concentrating on stopping and getting help for yourself first, when that happens your outlook on helping him will change. I speak from experience on this. What I mean is when you start getting recovery for yourself, you will understand that you cannot do anything for him until he wants it for himself.

Stick around here, there are a lot of great people that want to help. Try our NA forum to.

[Chy]

Hi Barbie and welcome!
Your right, your powerless over his addiction. Until he's ready nothing much changes. Obviously his hiding out is a huge red flad, he's not ready to quit. You can find support over in the Nar-Anon forum as well, where you'll learn to work on you. *hugs*

[bubblze30]

Sorry to say but there is really nothing you can do about him. He will stop when he has had enough. I remember my family trying to get me to stop and it actually brought me out worse. Everyone is different but what I have noticed is people don't stop using until the have had enough. Until they are ready to admit they have a problem.

Do you use? I have heard alot about him,him,him. What are you doing for you? Are you in recovery? Sometimes we get so caught up in someone elses lifestyle we totally forget about our own problems wheather they be addictions or co-dependancy. Welcome to oberrecovery. This site has proven to be a very good tool in recovery for me. I was addicted to cocaine and heoin. I have not used in over three years. I do it day by day. Not looking to far into the future and always remembering where the drug has taken me helping me not to go back to it again. Stick around you may hear your story or something that might help you in your situation...

[barbiebyanyothe]

I wasn't a user- until I started dating him. I was stupid enough to think that he only did it "on special occasions" like he said. That became every weekend that he was with me. And I liked it; more because he was more emotionally available when he used. I isolated myself from my friends and family- he didn't want to be around them and I built a wall of secrecy. I am clean and am even sick at the thought of using. He was also emotionally and at times, physically rough with me. Why did I stay so long? I have finally had enough of that. What devastates me is how he can choose that over me--I know that he loves me--but how? Why do I even care?

[GettingFree]

Barbie,
There are some striking similiarities between your situation and mine with my ex. I did not use either till I met him. He introduced me to cocaine and I became seduced by the close veil of false intimacy and intensity it created.I now see it for how false it was. But more on that later.

I too believed it was only occasional, i.e. weekend use. I'm not sure if this was true for you, but I believed that it was restricted to our use together. It was for me. Still, our use together increased, both frequency and amount, and it became toxic. Our activity together escalated, more risk-taking, some that put me in physcial danger, some that damaged my soul tremendously. I wanted to stop several times. I kept getting seduced back. It was awful. At the same timee, our relationship was deteriorating terribly, but in hindsight, it was never a healthy one to begin with. Eventually I had such an awful experience, and things were goiing so downhill in the relationship, I decided to stop all my use.

That was 16 months ago. Two months after I stopped completely, I learned that he had been supporting a secret coke habit quite independently from me.
Too many things that didn't add up. Too many unanswered questions. It had been going on for years. I eventually learned he had stolen more than $10,000 from me.

I ended the relationship. I began recovery in ernest. And I don't mean just staying off coke. I mean the hard work of looking inside, looking at the real issues that brought me to this place in my life, that had brought me to all the previous places, why I had been susceptible to this in the first place, why I was with a person who had treated me this way, etc. etc.

It's been a difficult, hard journey, and an amazing, liberating journey.

Like everyone else has said, you can't 'get him' to stop. Only he can. But you can stop the insanity for you.

GF

[barbiebyanyothe]

I'm shaking as I write this because everything that you said is also true of me. I craved the attention and the seclusion, the "just us against everyone else". But, he was using all of the time without me. Things also got sicker and sicker. He was addicted to porn and when he was alone, he got his fix through sex lines. He was eventually unable to have normal sex unless I said some pretty demented things to him. I am also scarred, he hit me and forced me to do things I didn't want to do. But, I still couldn't leave until I met a girl whose ex have molested her child. Her ex was into the same weird perversions. Wake up call for me!!

[GettingFree]

Barbie, I have been in a similar place given my partner was a SA as well as addicted to cocaine. I understand the shame, self-hatred, the rage, the confusion. I've been haunted by ghosts for a long time from so much ugliness, although it is getting better. Slowly. Sometimes I can't bear to see myself, what I did , who I was, in the past. There'a lot to let go of, and I am trying to get better at self-forgiveness. I looked for validation and value, and a way to escape pain, in very unhealthy ways. Now I am learning to value myself. It is possible.

GF

[barbiebyanyothe]

I see alot of me in your situation. I hope that we can both learn from each other. I have alot to learn, but also alot to give.

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{{{barbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}
how are you doing today?? i wish you well on your journey of self discovery!!
bubblze hit the nail on the head...what are you doing for "you" today?? you cant move frwd if your always looking back!!!i need to take this advice as well today...

[GettingFree]

Barbie.
P.S. I sent you a private message. Look at the top right of your web page to access.
cheers
GF