Anger

[dragonlady]

Will I ever NOT be angry? ****! I'm so sick of being angry! It pisses me off! I know all you ladies hear from me are my vents, but I have no one else. The people I call are never home or are busy (nothing against them, they have their lives) Yesterrday I was fine until I got tired of my husband bitching and gripeing hour after hour! I finally went off. So there was elling and screaming for a few hours. I almost decked my PC! lol Luckily I just hit the table alot. I didn't hit hubby this time, though I was damn tempted when he threatened to kill me(he's spouts **** all the time) I thanked him and told him to go ahead ! I'm just SO ******* sick of this ****. I mean, whats the ******* use anymore? **** it!

[51anna]

Dragonlady,

I have learned a bit about anger in my journey because I felt anger a lot too, and sometimes it would take so little for me to lose my temper. I just didn't like it at all! What I learned is that deep anger comes from fear. I was told to look into myself and to see what I was afraid of. I resisted a lot at first, but I did it. I found that I was afraid of being abandoned, I was afraid of not being loved, I was afraid people would see that I was not the smart, capable person I appeared to be. These were really frightening things for me, things I felt I couldn't control and it made me feel anger and even rage. These were really hard things to look at and face. But, I found that by facing these fears, accepting them and dealing with them, my anger began to disolve.

Just think about it Dragonlady. Look for the parts of yourself that are deeply afraid and try to heal them.

Love, Anna

[CarrieSueBee]

Dragon,
I often get really mad at my DH. He is such a nag. I ahve learned to know when he is pI have already designated certain topics as red flags for his fight starting....like 1) my parents going to daycare, 2) potty training, 3) thrift store shoppig (I love it, he hates it)....etc. The when one of these subjects comes up, it is like...Note to self* watch out. Most times I have to chill and tell him "WHy are you trying to pick a fight? I don't want to fight today." Then I try everything to get out of the discussion.
Many times it is simply his tone when he comes after me.
I'm not such a jerk that I can't discuss potty training...it is more like you should hear his tone and the snide things he says...then I know he isn't serious...just in a fighting mood.
I hope you find peace today.

[mike cooper]

Dear Dragon Lady,
I wanted to share with you what happen to me as a result of
beating up on people, I had been 3 years sober and I thought that
my anger and volience came from drinking , but I realized today that I
allways would hit men and women when I got anger because they made
me mad. or they know that I could not control my temper and they started
any way. I got so sick in recovery with fighting that I had to do something
my new marriage was getting worse and now I had no excuse that it was
my drugging and drinking that why I acted crazy in rage. I could not live
with my feeling of shame for hitting my husband in the head with a phone.
I realized today that I was in fear. When I got so bad I hate the way i
felt I tryed praying, writing , crying to god change, begging god. I never
Look at hitting people I was an abuser of people I denied it. I had to go
for help to my sponsor , I worker the 12 steps and I offer to go to Anger
management on my own. I hate the way I felt after a fight I know it was not
gods will. The women in Anger management told me who give me the right
to put my hand for any reason on onther human being one of
God's children. I had no right for Justified anger any way being an Aolcholic.
I had to realize no matter what I have to do the problem is my fear, and
disrepect for life. The God of my understanding made see that this was a
real problem, I felt like if I show weakness people would abuse me, and I became the abuser of my children cause when angry I said anything in front
of him ugly words to hurt the man . but I hurt myself respect and my son.
I now go outside running, or scrame in the car with the window up. But I know I can no longer act like I can't control my self, I am responbile for my
behavior no matter what I do today. Accepatance, that I have a problem
is inportant, and amend to all the people I have hurt. saying that's the way
I am I can't help it you know I was like that when you started dating me.
the bull ****. It time to grow- up and act like a child of God and a member of A.A. I hope you see all the harm done to your self esteem because, Of that
behavoir and the abuse to others. Bye Gloria

[mike cooper]

[quote=mike cooper]Dear Dragon Lady,
I wanted to share with you what happen to me as a result of
beating up on people, I had been 3 years sober and I thought that
my anger and volience came from drinking , but I realized today that I
allways would hit men and women when I got anger because they made
me mad. or they know that I could not control my temper and they started
any way. I got so sick in recovery with fighting that I had to do something
my new marriage was getting worse and now I had no excuse that it was
my drugging and drinking that why I acted crazy in rage. I could not live
with my feeling of shame for hitting my husband in the head with a phone.
I realized today that I was in fear. When I got so bad I hate the way i
felt I tryed praying, writing , crying to god change, begging god. I never
Look at hitting people I was an abuser of people I denied it. I had to go
for help to my sponsor , I worker the 12 steps and I offer to go to Anger
management on my own. I hate the way I felt after a fight I know it was not
gods will. The women in Anger management told me who give me the right
to put my hand for any reason on onther human being one of
God's children. I had no right for Justified anger any way being an Aolcholic.
I had to realize no matter what I have to do the problem is my fear, and
disrepect for life. The God of my understanding made see that this was a
real problem, I felt like if I show weakness people would abuse me, and I became the abuser of my children cause when angry I said anything in front
of him ugly words to hurt the man . but I hurt myself respect and my son.
I now go outside running, or scrame in the car with the window up. But I know I can no longer act like I can't control my self, I am responbile for my
behavior no matter what I do today. Accepatance, that I have a problem
is inportant, and amend to all the people I have hurt. saying that's the way
I am I can't help it you know I was like that when you started dating me.
the bull ****. It time to grow- up and act like a child of God and a member of A.A. I hope you see all the harm done to your self esteem because, Of that
behavoir and the abuse to others. Bye Gloria Constant pray and self examnation help but don't act no matter what.]

[dragonlady]

CSB-that sounds so much like my husband! I am trying, its just so ******* hard! Anna- thankx to you . I know deep down I'm overflowing with fear and I'm trying to get in touch with a councelor. Mike-I do feel like ****! I hate what I'm doing to all of us! As foar as my self esteem, I haven't had any since I was five. Thanx to all of you! I am better today.

[bubblze30]

Oh Dl Life and sharing it with a mate. Sometimes it just really sucks and all you can do is vent. Is there somewhere maybe you can go have a cup of coffee or just anywhere? Sometimes removing ourselves from the situation is all we can do. Everything you are going through right now is the reason I am single and will stay single. I never seemed to have a really good relationship. Yeah drugs involved but I think it was me I am very controling lol and will continue to be. (work in progress he-he this will take a life time) Thank God you can have somewhere to vent or you wouldn't have a puter or hubbyLOL. Hang in there and vent away. We are here to listen the get rid of al the vent for you. Hope your day gets better.

Mike, Reading your thread was as if I wrote it three yrs ago I was the exact same person. Through counciling and therapy I am learning a better way to deal with things. I do catch myself almost going to far but count to ten and stop. I have not lifted my hand to anyone in over three years. I always thought it was the men, today I know it was learned behavior from me growing up seeing it happen all the time. Thank you for sharing.

[dragonlady]

You know, Bubblze, I just wish I had the guts to get out of this situation.

[twoboys]

Dragonlady - I saw a couple of red lights in your post. First, I worry about your safety. No one should have to live with threats. Even if you feel you can't leave your current situation, do you have a plan in place in the event of an emergency? Even something as simple as keeping an extra $50 bill (or a twenty or a ten, if that's all you can wrangle up) and a change of underpants in your pocketbook can be an emergency plan. You can find the numbers, but maybe not the addresses of shelters in your area (call and they'll give it to you, sometimes they just don't publish them), on the web or at town hall. Basically, all you need for an emergency plan is a place to go and a means to get there.

The second thing I'm concerned about, frankly, is the anger that you wrote about. Even if you left an unsafe situation, you'd still be taking that anger with you. Can you learn some strategies for dissipating this anger before it escalates? Do you know its roots? Lots of previous posts have addressed that much of our anger is based in our basic fears (that fight or flight response goes way back, you know) and I don't want to repeat what others have so eloquently said. But no matter the roots of your pain (anger is painful to carry around, after all) you can't escape it if you don't first address it. And just like those monsters under our bed when we were kids, ignorance fuels it; it diminishes in the bright light of day.

Good luck to you, friend. - Linda

[namommy]

Dragon Lady,

I wanted to post here to let you know that I find when I am not spiritually centered, I act out in anger. As others have said, that anger stems from deep fear. One little trick I use is this. When I am angry, I make a fist to lash out with. I look at my fist and assign these things to my fingers.

1-Have I prayed today?
2-Have I gone to a meeting today?
3-Have I talked to my sponsor today?
4-Have I talked with at least 1 other recovering addict today?
5-Have I read/written today from recovery literature?

As I ask each question I unwrap 1 finger for each yes. Once I have done all of those things, I find that my anger disappates. Even if I have only done 4 of the 5, I find I can't harm anyone or anything with 1 curled finger.

Prayers are with you

[Cap3]

Hi,anger,use to me my name.Until i added a book,to my recovery.Its by DR.Wayne W.Dryer...called Your erroneous zones...I learned through his teachings that im responsible for all my thoughts and actions.That no one makes me mad,or angry.I get mad and or angry because, i have the mad , angry thoughts,in my mind...They are mine.I own them.I put them there.It also teaches me how to let go of anger..No matter what another does,or says,,i have choices on if i respond,and how i respond.Before learning his approach,i thought that i had a right to be pissed of and to tell the person,off in good style..lol...I still today get angry,but its different.It doesnt last,.It doesnt control me.Im no longer embedded by it.Its like a brezze that comes,and goes.If i decide to respond,im calmer...Im no longer pulled by another,,no matter what they say and do... have choices today.Where as before i really believed that "others"made, me mad.I didnt want to..lol...It was them..hehehee..NOT...I am responsible..This along with recovery programs is whats working in my life today...
Thanks for letting me share,,,
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!!!

[wastedtime4me]

cap..i read that book also..he is a wonderful writer!!! i have read so many books its hard to remember the titles...lol
how are you doing today {{{{{{{dragon}}}}}}}?

[bubblze30]

DL In a way I am greatful you started this post I have learned a few things from these responces, Things I can really use in my life. Thank you for sharing your ideas and stratigies so to say.
2boys, My last relationship was similar with the abuse and control and threats. I called every hot line I could and there was nothing, no help for me and I tried everything. I had little money and had no where to go and everyone continued to tell me they were filled up or they had nothing to help me with. I couldn't even goto a shelter for crying out loud. I was in really bad space. Thank god my friend let me stay with her a few days until he got put in jail then allowing me to go back home. Sometimes it is hard to get the help. However it is out there but it is also scary to just up and leave with no where or no one to go with. I was always afraid to leave. I am glad now everything worked out but in the begining it was scary. I truely understand DL. How are you today DL?

[dragonlady]

Hello ladies! I'm much better today, thank you! Thanx to all of you for caring! ok-Twoboys, yes I have a place to go-HIS parents. They'll throw him in jail! LOL As for myself I've been surfing the forums and learned about more about PTSD-I'm definetly going to see a doctor, it explaines SO much thats going on with me-that and depression.thanx-Namommy, thats kewl! I'll try to remember that, thanx-Cap3, that sounds like the cognitive therapy I had in my last rehab. I'd forgoten it thanx-Wasted and Bubblze, I am doing very well right now and your welcome! I really appreciate all of you.

[GettingFree]

In my recovery, I've been looking deep at all the old behaviours. As some have already referred to, fight or flight is one that is so ingrained for many of us from so long ago. And as others have said, at the root of that is fear, and like others, I learned to manage this awful deep fear by either escaping or lashing out. I also have a very entrenched mode of reacting to things in a defensive way -- again, rooted in a fear of being wrong, of not being understood and more, of not being listened to, and more. But I am learning that the more I defend, the more unhappy and frustrated I am in my relations with others, and the worse I feel about myself.

Something I am trying to incorporate more and more is the notion of 'defenseless' written about by Deepak Chopra. I have cut and paste his description of it below, and reading it (along with his other writing on the 'law of least effort') helps me to step back from a situation, recognize what I am and am not responsible for, and let go of trying to control things.

Maybe it will help a teeny bit.
Take Care
GF

Defenselessness

The third component of the Law of Least Effort is defenselessness, which means that your awareness is established in defenselessness, and you have relinquished the need to convince or persuade others of your point of view. If you observe people around you, you'll see that they spend ninety-nine percent of their time defending their points of view. If you just relinquish the need to defend your point of view, you will in that relinquishment, gain access to enormous amounts of energy that have been previously wasted.

When you become defensive, blame others, and do not accept and surrender to the moment, your life meets resistance. Any time you encounter resistance, recognize that if you force the situation, the resistance will only increase. You don't want to stand rigid like a tall oak that cracks and collapses in the storm. Instead, you want to be flexible, like a reed that bends with the storm and survives.

Completely desist from defending your point of view. When you have no point to defend, you do not allow the birth of an argument. If you do this consistently -- if you stop fighting and resisting -- you will fully experience the present, which is a gift. Someone once told me, "The past is history, the future is a mystery, and this moment is a gift. That is why this moment is called 'the present'."

If you embrace the present and become one with it, and merge with it, you will experience a fire, a glow, a sparkle of ecstasy throbbing in every living sentient being. As you begin to experience this exultation of spirit in everything that is alive, as you become intimate with it, joy will be born within you, and you will drop the terrible burdens and encumbrances of defensiveness, resentment, and hurtfulness. Only then will you become lighthearted, carefree, joyous, and free.

In this joyful, simple freedom, you will know without any doubt in your heart that what you want is available to you whenever you want it, because your want will be from the level of happiness, not from the level of anxiety or fear. You do not need to justify; simply declare your intent to yourself, and you will experience fulfillment, delight, joy, freedom, and autonomy in every moment of your life.

Make a commitment to follow the path of no resistance. This is the path through which nature's intelligence unfolds spontaneously, without friction or effort. When you have the exquisite combination of acceptance, responsibility, and defenselessness, you will experience life flowing with effortless ease.

When you remain open to all points of view -- not rigidly attached to only one -- your dreams and desires will flow with nature's desires. Then you can release your intentions, without attachment, and just wait for the appropriate season for your desires to blossom into reality. You can be sure that when the season is right, your desires will manifest. This is the Law of Least Effort.

[bubblze30]

Thank you so much GF What great insight. I love it. I am going to look into that book wow I really enjoyed reading it. It makes so much sense and really makes it sounds so much easier then fighting and arguing my point.LOL.