My daughters at it again!!

[bubblze30]

I just don't understand. I am a first time mom and every situation is a new one. I was feeling so positive, so happy then it started she got mouthy, didn't listen and throwing things again. Right after I wrote I was feeling great, things were great and I was getting up early and not depressed then bang. So I punished her yesterday and today she is to show me respect and I will let her out later this afternoon but I just feel she is not getting it. What do I do to get her to respect me and appreciate things in life with out my blood pressure rising and gray hairs multiplying. Gosh, I give her everything she needs and most of what she wants. Thats why I only had one child so I could give her everything I did not get while growing up. I feel its back firing or I am doing something wrong. What do I do keep her punished for life? I need parental help and am not afraid to ask. I am a first time mother first time with a seven yr old, then eight, now nine and I just want to do whats right. I am teaching her responcibility with washing her own dishes and cleaning her room. I talk to her and tell her that it hurts me when she yells and says she hates me. When I punish her after a few minutes I explain why I punished her and what I want her to do so it dosen't happen again. Even if I get to loud yelling(because I don't want to spank her) I appologize and tell her it was wrong for me to do and that we got to work together to have a good mother daughter relationship. I just feel I am doing something wrong or missing something. See everytime we have a blow out I end up in bed for the day and the next. I just forced myself out of bed a little while ago. No more waking up refreshed and early. I want it back thats why I got up.It puts me into a depresasion that I don't like and I don't know why. Mostly every bout of depression I had been getting lately have been from arguments between me and her. I had to share this because I recognize where the depression is coming from now and want to better it. Does anyone know of any other thing I can do to teach her this is not the way. Yelling, throwing stuf, telling me she hates me, or is it just somethign I have to accept and work as it comes. Is this truely child hood or am I doing it all wrong. When she is good, she is good but when heated upo it gets ugly. Yeah it don't last but what can I do to even minimize it more? Any advice, suggestion, or help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent. I am always second guessing if I am a good mother or not.

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bubblze}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
i am just wondering if after all you have tried if maybe she might need to be tested.I know she is young to be on meds but if its needed then you gotta do what you gotta do...does she go to therapy?just some things to think about...i really hope and pray things get better soon for the two of you...i am proud of you for getting outta bed and coming here to talk about whats goin on ..instead of hiding away!! another thought that comes to mind is she didnt just get this way overnight..ya know..so its gonna take some time!!she is used to getting a reaction from you everytime she does this...i completely agree with you on the no spanking...my belief is violence begats violence...oh bubblze i wish there was something more i could say to help you..i know just how much you love her...i will say alot of prayers for you girls today!!!
your friend
wt4m

[lulu70]

((((((((((((Bubblze))))))))))))) I can soooooooooo relate to everything you are saying. My daughter will be 9 next month and we are going through much of the same things. I know the guilt you feel when you have to punish her. My daughter can be a demanding little wench sometimes. One of the things I am really trying to do is to consciously reward and acknowledge when she does or says things "nicely" and is kind. When she yells and hollars at me, I try my best to ignore it, or I calmly tell her to try asking me a different way. Unfortunately, I think a lot of the problem is that this is just a phase our kids are in. They are at an age where they are very self-centered and are testing their boundaries. I also think that they take the worst stuff out on us Mom's because they KNOW we love them and will keep loving them no matter what--and that is a GOOD thing. I think the most important thing for us to do is remain consistent and make sure our kids know what is expected of us. Feel free to PM me, since we seem to be going through the same thing.

Love and hugs--

[bubblze30]

Thank you very much for your suport. wt4m I will not get my daughter tested just yet if when she is in her teens she exibits anything less then a teenager should then maybe, but I think this is just mearly her. Being spoiled when young and still a lil now and testing me I see no reason to believe she is not like the other kids around. Now if she continued to throw things at me that would be different she has only done that once and now I see her think before she does something. So I am to believe she does not suffer from any mental illness at this time. I just don't want her to have a label just because she is being a kid ya know/. Thanks for your ideas and I will keep them in mind. I think it is mainly me being a first time mom trying to do the best I can and her being a nine yr old trying to get away with as much as she can. I know I vent and I am so greatful I have a place to vent somehow after I do a calmness overcomes me and I look at the situation more clearer and talk to her about it and well then it feels right again. This parent thing is such a complex thing and its never ending. Persistence is one good thing I have gotten out of recovery. When in the past I would always let things go today I see, I ask, for help and I stick to it. Thankls again I will let ya all know how she acts over the next few days we'll see crossing my fingers.

[bikewench]

Bubblze...

I gonna go way the f*ck out on a limb here... but this is what my gut says....



For one thing... I sense you putting a lot of the blame for your reactions on your daughter.
I found while raising my daughter that she responded directly to the atmosphere in the house and directly to what vibes she was getting off me.
It's a symbiotic relationship for sure... but.... children have certain needs to feel safe and that they can depend on their parents.
If she feels you emotionally leaving her... then yeah... she's gonna try to get you to connect with her however she can.

And you taking to your bed over depression is emotionally leaving her.

Plus... she's probable senseing that she is being held responsible in some way for part of it. I know that would **** me off.

And I'm probably pissing you off...

But... we can't fix something if we don't know what's broken...

The disease of Codependancy is generational. It spreads like the disease it is. And it manifests in many ways.

If we don't get out of our comfort zone and figure out exactly how it's working in our lives... we are doomed to pass it on... and they will pass it on....

Blessings on you and your daughter... may the Creator send you clarity around your situation and point you in the right direction to find your answers...

[bubblze30]

yes, you make some very good points. In the past (before my meds) I through things, I hit the walls and I yelled ALOT! However, today I count to ten I don't hit the walls or throw things yes I do still get loud but I am but a work in progress. I joined my womens group and recovery skills groups to work more on it. Since on the medication I talk more and discipline differently and stick to it. ALOT and I mean Alot of her behavior was learned from me and how I used to be. With working with my councilor I have learned to change alot of my old behaviors. I still work on them all the time. Yes I get depressed and I goto my room usually the next day after a blow out and as you see I got myself out of bed so not to repeat the three day depression I usually fall into. Instead I got up and talked to her. I do not put the blame on her my chit is my chit and yes her behaviors are learned from me however over the last two years she has seen me changing and has been in a more stable enviroment with alot more structure. She is simply being a nine yr old girl and I am being a first time mom trying to do the best I can. If you notice in my posts after I vent I go back and see things more clearly then having more discussions with my daughter to help better us both so that we have a better relationship. I used to spend weeks in bed. I have come along way. I used to yell all the time, now its once in a while, I also did not discipline properly which over time I have learned how to. As with my addiction over time I am learning better ways to live. I am learning every day how to be a better mom. It is just I need to vent sometimes and I would rather vent then hit my daughter which I vowed long ago never to do. I can not become super mom over night. My mother was a drunken pill popper who stayed out all night from the age seven on. I remeber my step father beating me with big leather belts not to mention the sexual abuse. So I was not exactly brought up by parents I raised myself. So it may take me longer to learn how to deal with situation but I learn, and I may not be a betty crocker mom but I do the best I can, and I may not know all the right ways to react to certain situations but I am willing to learn and I know deep inside that I am doing the best I can for now and will continue to work to get better. I was never raised just merely there and have no family around me and haven't since I was fifteen so I never really seen how to raise an child the right but I try and I will not give up. I do the best I can with all the things I am learning through time and thats all I can do. It's a hell of alot better then I got growing up!!!! Also I am doing it clean!! So forgive me if I need a little advice every now and then but I am just being honest!!!!!!

[bikewench]

And I'm probably pissing you off...

Hey...
I speak my truth as I know it ... and you speak your truth as you know yours....

But.. sometimes ... that ain't the REAL truth... ya know?

But yeah... we're all trying the best we can...

Sorry if I upset you...

[bubblze30]

"quote"I speak my truth as I know it ... and you speak your truth as you know yours....

But.. sometimes ... that ain't the REAL truth... ya know?"quote"

whats not the truth?

[bubblze30]

oh also, if I alwasy take the blame, how will she ever learn to take responcibility for her own actions she will grow up thinking she does no wrong?

[bikewench]

The real truth?

The real truth for me is that I am stuck in certain beliefs and behaviors that are running my life and making it a hell... but that it hurts so much to look at it and try to heal that I just stay stuck.

One of my best defenses around this is anger.

If someone says something to me that pisses me off... I know now that it's a direct sign that I DON'T want to look at the issue that's related to it.

This is a part of my disease of Codependancy... and it's generational.

And what is codependancy about? Shame.

It was someone pointing a finger at me and saying I'm bad... when all I was doing was trying to make some sense and trying to survive an unbearable childhood... but I carried that shame and misplaced responsibility right to this day.

But hey.... it could simply be 9 year old behavior. I'm not there....

I raised my daughter for 2 and a half years alone. I know how lonely and scary it can be. I just know today that there's more going on in family systems that most of us aren't aware of.

Again... I'm sorry if I upset you...

[bikewench]

Bubblze...

It's not about taking blame.

It's about taking responsibility.

My daughter was an unwritten page.

I was the greatest contributor to her book. And I was doing this not understanding a great many things ...

I finally had to tell her that I was struggling to rewrite my page myself... but that I loved her more than anything... and I tried to make sure I kept her out of MY ****...
At the very least... when I was crashing... I tried to make sure she understood it wasn't becasue of her.

Anyone can deal with anything... as long as the facts and feelings jive exactly with what's actually going on.
Children included.

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bubblze }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
i understand where you are coming from on the whole medication issue..i agree with you actually..i was just throwin what i could think of out there for you!! i dont like to ask people questions then have them get upset just in case i was guessing..since you have put all your cards on the table and been completely honest..i will tell you thats whati figured is that she learned this behavior from someone close to her..ya know what though..its done its in the past ..now you just have to pick up the pieces and move on...its not gonna be easy and there are no quick fixes..its gonna take some time and consistency on your part..i know it isnt easy...you know i am always talking about going to the library...lol
how bout if you head to the ibrary when she goes back to school and just take your time and look around see what you can find on this issue.i know you feel helpless right now but dont let it get you down..it can be fixed!!!
i am VERY proud of you today ,for coming here and being completely honest whether you are typing or talking that took alot of guts!!! you have alot of love for that lil girl..and ,i believe you have a very strong desire to make things better..so with that in mind and some time...i truely believe its all gonna work out for you girls!!!from what i have read and applied in my life...consistency is the most important thing in making things right again...keeping you in my thoughts in my heart and in my prayers today woman!!!!

[wastedtime4me]

[i really like the way you worded this bikewench...


My daughter was an unwritten page.

I was the greatest contributor to her book. And I was doing this not understanding a great many things ...

I finally had to tell her that I was struggling to rewrite my page myself... but that I loved her more than anything... and I tried to make sure I kept her out of MY ****...
At the very least... when I was crashing... I tried to make sure she understood it wasn't becasue of her.

Anyone can deal with anything... as long as the facts and feelings jive exactly with what's actually going on.
Children included.[/quote]

[lulu70]

Hey Bubblze--have you thought about getting your daughter some therapy? My daughter goes once a week to a wonderful child psychologist at my treatment center. She really loves it. Just something to think about. I sounds like BOTH of you have been through a lot.

Hugs--

[bubblze30]

Well I am going to take it a day at a time. I will do the best I can and deal with it the best I can. Using my councilers advice as well. See she also seen my daughter not all the time but maybe once every two months. I thank you all for your advice. I am feeling better me and my dauhgter have discussed it yesterday and even more today so I will watch to see if we are getting any where with communication. I have come from a really messed up family but I have come more then a long way and will continue to push forward. I am very honest with my counciler because I want the best help I can get. She is also certified in child behavior. Once worked with children and is very intelligent alot of the things or advice she gives me works and I feel that I am working hard trying to do the right things for my child. I got defensive earlier thinking this girl is telling me I am ruining my dauhgters life, again thats my crap. I am not mad I seen myself getting upset about the situation then thought why bother it will get me no where. So thank you all for your advice I will continue to work on myself and do the best I can. I don't think and neither does my counciler think she needs counciling. She has seen her a few times and says that from what she can see my daughter is exactly the way most nine year olds are at. Trying to push us until they get what they want and if not getting it gets upset. She believes she is a normal healthy and very happy child. As does her dr. and other professionals that have seen her. See I was also involved with D.S.S> in the past because of my drug abuse and there therepysts said the same. So I don't see her needing councling at this time but who knows what the future holds. I will keep it in the now.

As for my anger I will let go and let god...See recovery works in my life in as long as I follow the guidelines.

[bubblze30]

I also didn't expect it to become a finger pointing debate.... Sorry to cause a debate ladies. I will however ask for advice again as I know it helps me to see all view points

[bubblze30]

Hi ladies hope everyone is having an OK weekend. I am feeling much better today. I was up at seven and I think me talking with my daughter has done alot of good for the both of us. Yesterday she came to me and said "Mom I am sorry for my behavior and I know I geet angry sometimes and do things I shouldn't and I am sorry" I returned that comment with" baby I know you seen mommy throw things in the past and not act very responcible when I get angry but that was not the right way to act. That is why mommy is getting help for it because it is wrong. I want you to know I love you and I will not tolerate such behavior. You have enjoyed going outside and if you want to continue you must show me respect, you must pick up after yourself and listen. If you do these three simple things we will both enjoy our lives." She said" OK mom I will try" I said thats all I want to see is you try". Now all last night she did good and we will see today how she behaves. I think persistance really helps because she knows before I say it what I am going to say. She is a great kid. She is for the most part loving and caring and all around good kid. I think as long as I stick to a routine she and I will be just fine. Thank you all for being there when I need you and for your advice it will all go remembered. Thanks.

[bikewench]

Hey Bubblze...

Blessings on you and your daughter.

All is right in the world when there is harmony between mother and daughter... ;o)
***

Hey Wasted...
That fat book was gone... ;o).. but I'll be tracking one down.
Thank you for your post...

[bubblze30]

Good morning bike yes all is well. Just made her some yummy eggs sausage and english muffins. Shes a happy girl so I will enjoy til my next dilema.LOL. Hoping it won't be soon but ready for it thanks to all of the people here who listen and give me advice on how to handle situations. Hope you have a nice hiliday weekend.

[bikewench]

Just made her some yummy eggs sausage and english muffins.

mm mm mmmmmm

Sounds yummy... and I bet your house smells droolin good... ;o)


I'm doing my best to have a good long weekend... it's Labor Day weekend up here.
You live in Massachusetts eh? Do you get Monday as a holiday as well?

[bubblze30]

yes we do.

[splendra]

I appears that your child is getting something out of being able to control you. You are giving her way too much power over your moods.....I believe your reaction is kind of like a high for her. You need to be more matter of fact with her about her discipline... tell her in a very matter of fact voice "go to your room" if she is in her room close the door and walk away. She must not think she is in control.

She knows you love her and you want what is best for her. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a great mom. You will be showing her just how good a mom you are by not letting her control you and perhaps nipping her addict like behavior in the bud. I too have an only child. I know how it is to want to pour everything into that one child that I never had but, we have to draw our lines and not let them take advantage because they will grow up thinking that it is a good way to get what they want. We know that it is not the way to do things. I know you can get this straightened out. Let her know in no uncertain terms that she cannot control your moods or reactions. Forgive me if I have repeated something someone else has said. I did not read all of the other post I am being kind of lazy right now. But I know kids....

[bubblze30]

Oh I know very much about her trying to get her way and I also am taking to punishments and sticking to them in the past I would let her off. Now I don't. Yes, I allow her to control my emotions and this is what I am now working on. I try not to show and emotion at all and she seems quite confused with it lately, see I used to yell and slam doors now I walk away and go back to deal with her after she and I calm down a bit. She got up this morning ate breakfast did the dishes and cleaned her room up without me asking because she knows she will not go out. She did try to get out of a shower saying she will jsut get dirty and I simply said I said it do it and it will be done so she is. I think I am doing alright. Sometimes when I come in here to vent it is just that I need to vent I am not looking for the easy way out or a quick fix I am simply getting some crap out of my head so I don't carry it around and have it come out later or let it ruin my day. I learned long ago not to let things rent space in my head. so to speak today I have lots of room in my head and none for rent>LOL>