Insight needed.

[namommy]

Years ago, during one of my many trips to rehab, a doctor said I might have dis-associative disorder. He thought maybe something traumatic happened to make me seperate myself from my feelings. I thought he was full of sh*t. But now, I am wondering. I really don't know how to explain it, but I need to try.

I have this feeling like something is trying to come up from way down deep inside, and everytime it tries to come up it feels really, really BAD. I keep trying to push whatever it is back down, but it doesn't want to stay there. I don't know what it is, and I really don't WANT to know what it is. Things have been going so well in my life, and I have been doing just fine without the knowledge this long, that it can just stay there.

I could really use some insight from anyone. I tried to talk to my husband last night, but you know, he's a man (useless, almost).

HELP!

[bubblze30]

Do you have a councelor. I think if you do it would be a good idea to start preparing youself by sharing it. Just incase it just comes up out of the blue you will have some solid ground under ya, ya know. I had a similar experience and still have some flash backs from my pass things I chose not to remember. It's difficult when they come up however, you don't have to fall hard if they do. I think working with this councelor so close has helped me alot. My past is not something I ever like remembering from seven on. Having someone I can trust to work through it makes all the difference in the world. Your in the program, you have survived many storms so don't let this one try to take you down. You have learned alot in recovery and have alot of tools to use. So my advice is share it with someone you can trust(sponcer,sister, friend, councelor) I mean when it starts to come up. Also what worked to get it up and out for me was like I said counceling she just had me go over my life over and over I hated it but as the time went on I started getting like snap shots and pics of my past here and there. With each year my daughter gets older I relive my past at whatever age she is. Shes now nine so I am sure things will pop up this year for me. I am ready thanks to my H/P and my councelor. She helped me through it and I feel better. You can't stuff it forever and your H/P knows exactly when you need this to surface. Don't fight it by stuffing it. Look at the issue and deal with it but don't do it alone. It can not prove to be a good idea (going it alone).

Thats all I can think of for advice. Prepare yourself, get someone you can trust, and let your H/P do his work. You are a strong women I know you will be ok just don't do it alone. My prayers are with you.

[Rowan]

Hi Laurie
I haven't experienced what you describe, although I can identify with wanting to
leave certain memories in the past. I've often felt, due to memory gaps etc in
childhood, that something happened to me as a child, but I don't remember, I don't
try, and I figure that it (if it exists) will make itself known when it is time.
It sounds as though something is coming to life inside of you, and I'm afraid that like it or not, it's going to show itself fully regardless of how much you don't want it to. I agree with Bubblze .. speak to someone about this. I would think a counsellor or someone trained in post traumatic disorders, etc. This could be a really big opportunity for you to grow and to change. Stand up and face it my friend. I understand that you're scared and it doesn't feel good, but don't let that fear take hold of you. Just like you suggested to me about speaking, get down on your knees and pray to God to reveal to you what it is that needs to be revealed, and trust that He loves you and will help you through this. You're a wonderful person and we love you.
Love Rowan

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{namommy}}}}}}}}}}

i feel there is something in my childhood thats not coming out as well...i know there is..just too many questions in my head..
i was told open it up and deal with it ..or accept it leave it alone and move on..when you sit on the fence over something it pokes you in the butt and starts to hurt after awhile..i chose to let it go and move on though.
.otherwise it would make me nutttzzz wondering!! bubblze had some very good advice for you...if you choose to explore this dont do it alone...

[CarrieSueBee]

Hi all, Good morning and GOOD FRIDAY!

Interesting topic. I had two thoughts. One was that (without soundling like a new-age freak) maybe hypnosis would help bring out this event in your past. (???) I agree with the others, you would want a counselor there to sort it all out if anything came out during the hypnosis. My mom says she discovered she was molested by a woman babysitter when she was hypnotized. Wow, that is huge.

The other thought is that once I was talking to a psychiatrist (on a plane trip - not as a patient) and she was telling me about a kid who was mute ...you know...didn't speak. But he would talk to his immediate family, just no other person. And, lots of doctos were trying to thelp him and they kept asking his family about a traumatic event. The family could not think of anything major - no molestation, no deaths, no lost pets, no bad school grades...nothing. The Dr. I was talking to had done some reasearch and found that it may be something causing it that would seem small to us, but it was significant for the child, (like...it rained on his soccer game day, or he wanted the last piece of pie and someone else ate it first) really, something that small somehow triggered this kid's distrust of just about the whole uinverse!

Now, I'm not saying your events...these things you feel flowing to the surface are trivial...instead, I'm suggesting that if something major doesn't "rise to the top"..and you search and search...but find no major situation..... it could be a childhood trauma like that mute kid experienced.

At any rate, the type of event itself, big or small, can have a profound effect on a child's personality.

I wish you luck in your discovery adn may it bring you only understanding and eventually peace.
Thanks for letting me share.

[namommy]

Thanks all,

I have been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for a long time. I have also done 2 4th steps since I have been clean. I talk to my sponsor and my support network, I talked to my family and they can't seem to think of anything. Sometimes, I wonder if it could just be the power of suggestion. I mean I never wondered about anything before, but since he said that to me it has always been in the back of my mind. But, for some reason something doesn't feel good right now.

I can't believe that while I've been typing this my husband called me to see if I was feeling any better. He said we can talk about it tonite in the car. We are going camping (just me and him, NO kids) and the campout is a 3 1/2 hour drive from home. And, since it is an NA campout we are going to, I will have alot of support to work with while I am there. Knowing me, it is probably something really f*****g stupid.

Thanks again for the love and support.

Oh, BTW, I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tues. I will run this by him too.

[Paulie]

namommy -

I understand exactly what you are saying. This has happened to me a few times since I have been clean. The first time was memories of being molested as a child, I rememered this after having 5 years clean. I would suggest counseling if that is what you are comfortable with. Or step work, and I suggest this because I know you are in the program. The steps as I am sure you know, can be used to work through many issues in our lives. Call you sponsor to start with if you have not done that already. When it first happened to me and I called the director of the rehab I went to, the first person that I ever worked my steps with, I was told that HP was having me remember this because he knew that now I could handle it. HP will NOT give us more than we can handle, remember that.

[Paulie]

OOPs sorry, we were posting at the same time. LOL, looks like you took my suggestions before I even gave them to you.

Have a great time camping.

[namommy]

Mrs. M,

Thank you. I just came back on and saw your post.

[ButterflyChaser]

Wow namommy, I have no answers for this one, and I'm sorry!!! as for me, i always feel like there is something inside of me that needs to come up! I never can seem to spit it out!! lol I'm always at with myself!! Never ending battle
Hope you find pieace at this with yourself! I am curious to know what's going on with ya

[bubblze30]

Sounds like your H/P is working miracles. Something comes up you are not so sure about dealing with and your higher power puts you on a na campout. I know you will be ok with all this recovery around you you are bound to be ok. Enjoy the camp out. If its anything like the ones I hear about the are very spiritual and up lifting. As the saying goes "You Get What You Need"...

[Chy]

Exactly what Paulie said! Perhaps HP is telling you your ready to look deep, and resolve conflict you've been repressing.

[namommy]

Hello Ladies,

I'm back from the campout, and it was wonderful. I got to spend some quality time with my sponsor, my husband, our best friends, and make some new friends. I did get this issue under some sense of serenity. When I talked to my sponsor, she said that she knows alot of women who have been through the same thing, and knowing me, and going through the steps with me, she feels it is more the power of suggestion than anything else. We also got to talk about alot of other issues that may be contributing. Today is our areas annual NA Labor Day Picnic, so again I will spend the day surrounded by addicts and having a good time.

Bubblze,
Is that you and your daughter on your avatar? If so, good looking pair!

[wastedtime4me]

glad to hear you had a good weekend..well its not over yet though is it..hope you have a good cookout this afternoon as well...also glad you got your questions answered for now!! happy labor day!!!

[splendra]

(((((Laurie))))))-

One thing that comes to my mind is no matter what it is you have lived through it once already. Some how you did deal with it at least once. Even if you repressed it as a way of dealing with it. I remembered something once while having a chiropractic adjustment that happened in my infancy I asked my mom about it and she did confirm that it did actually happen. It explained the reason for pain that I had been carrying for a long time and I was able to actually release the pain that was trapped in my body. Do you have a pain in your body somewhere? Perhaps you did injure yourself in someway and that memory is struggling to surface. It doesn't have to be about abuse... look at your phyiscal pain, touch that part of your body breathe deep and relax see if you can remember..... of course this is only a suggestion. I have seen it work for others though.....